Where are we going??

I write, cause that way when and if I die...I'll have a memorial...several memorials spread out...my book will already be written...scattered out in the electronic wind...cause once your dead...you can't write another word or thought...it just stops...nothing more comes out of you...from that point on if they want to know anything about you...they have to go backwards....


Believe it or not, I use to be real 'religious'...I was stiff as a pipe...cause I felt I had to be...I was in a world I didn't understand much about...and my serious stiff ficad I put on was a way I protected myself from the unknown...but then it became a 'crutch'...that stiff ficad I put on prevented me from growing.

I still believe in God...and still no right from wrong...and use the 10 commandments for that index.
But I'm still flawed emotionally....sometimes, in this world, not all the things are given to us to keep us on a healthy path...
Adam was given a wife from the get go...so he never had to experience loneliness for to long...

But not everyone in this world is so fortunate....not everyone is given a Adam or a Eve from day one...a partner to work things out with, to confide in, to hold and to help bare you through bad times...

And when you don't have an Eve...you sometimes turn inward for that strength (or to other less than scrupalious characters to provide you with a sense of artifiscal love, but for many, artifiscal love is better than no love at all)...for that softness, for that support.
Although some find Eve...and still runaway to Adam...now that I cannot explain..
We're all so different, yet the same...strip away all the egos, and culture, and heritage...and we're all the same...same basic needs...
Anyways I've rambled on long enough...

My Tomb

In a way, writing in here is like writing on my own tomb before I pass away...

I like to write, it's one of the few things I can do that's still free...well actually gotta pay for interentet service....

I've been so worried lately about things, that I couldn't even enjoy a beer tonight...just worry worry worry....
Pretty soon you worry yourself right into depression...I mean real depression...circumstancual depression...

I feel like I'm in a night mare...all I want is a stable job and to be able to stay home and enjoy what I have....
I don't want to sacrifice that anymore...all I want is to be able to come home and relax after work...to leave work behind...to play the guitar...to drink a glass of wine...to watch a game...to go to a game...to go on a date...to use my own bathroom...to just walk to the store....

I'm sick to death of having to surender weeks and weeks of my life at a time just to make a small check...
I'm sick to death of spending nice automn evenings out on the road, watching the season change, watching Halloween come and go...and feeling the pangs of loneliness as you see it all pass you by in the windshield of your truck...then concluding the evening at a T/A in Chicago...where everyone is rude...and tries to act ultra tough...where the cashiers treat you like second class specimen...

Where you always have some truck stop queen on the cb radio and all the truckers howl after her instead of talking about something meaningful on the radio...

I just find that whole scene so empty...so devoid of the things that I need to sustain moral...

But yet I like most need a check..to pay bills and get things...but what a price to pay for a check...2-3 weeks of desolation...at least for me...I've done all I can do out there...same ole talk radio shows...how many times can I listen to Rush, Sean, Glenn, Mark Levin, Laura Ingrim, Dr Laura, Savage....and on and on...and other than Savage...they all say the same thing...their so negitave...so verbally destructive...all they do is criticize...and spread distrust amongst their listeners...

I cannot sustain myself in that enviornment anymore...not alone...maybe if I teamed...maybe...that's the only way...

And I can't do this east coast south east thing anymore either...if I have to be gone for 2-3 weeks I'd rather spend it in the southwest or California...

After a while you run the same routes so much it starts to feel like a choir...like a long commute...then you arrive at the truck stops where no one wants to just be your friend....the only people who want you are 'good buddies'...and all they want is sex...they don't want to get to know your mind, your concerns, your fears or joys...they just want quick physical pleasure...

The whole scene just leaves you feeling empty after a while...empty, void and suspicious...soon you develope a self loathing...and then you start to loath other drivers for no reason...cause you figure they loath you...the whole thing starts playing with your head...until you go home and can reset your mind, heart and soul....

Again...I didn't always see it like that...from 1998-2004 I think I really loved it...but then something happend...it was gradual...but it happend....I started seeing life pass me by...I realized I had other things I wanted to do...I started feeling lonely when I would come home...here what everyone else was doing...and then have to depart for what felt like a whole season...

Also...when companies started running drivers just on the east..and Virginian and N Carlina and Pennslyvania..and Ohio...it just got old....

It no longer felt like an adventure...I know longer felt I was in control...
And not only that..but back when I started the trucking culture was different...the characters out there were more 'playful'...'interesting'...'chatty'....then they all retired or left and were replaced by quite, sometimes very racist and hostile, ones who drive around all day listening to Rush..and then take it out on you...

Or you get these drivers who come from small rural communities in Kentucky or Wisconson...who just arent use to seeing other Americans who don't resemble them...

And the same happens when inner city drivers take to the road...they bring their inner city insecurities with them to work...and so the effect is no one talks to no one...every one thinks the other guy 'hates' them....

And so more and more drivers keep their radios off rather then allow verbal vileness to mess up their day...Satelite radio fills the void, and cell phones...

that's the new trucking...very impersonal...lonely...people don't want to get to know each other anymore...everyones homophobic...so if you ask someone to dinner...they get all suspicious...

I can't exist in the above enviornment anymore...it was killing my spirit...
But yet I can't go broke either...neither choice is good to me...neither choice is good...

Over the road trucking can only be meaningful to me again if
1. I had a family
2. I teamed
3. I trained
4. I started off in a brand new truck
5. If I could see other interstates other than I-95 or I-81
6. If I could go to Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Idaho, Montana, Texas (Well...the Western part anyways)

The Dallas Houstan part of Texas is just like being in New York almost....Crowded flying Js, Have to pay for the TA...Pimp hustler infested pilot...

I really don't know what to do right now...neither choice I have is good...lonely life on the road...or go broke.

Maybe writing this will give me inspiration to get up and out tomorrow and try again somewhere...anywhere...
But not even walmart is hiring...oh how sad...walmart is always like everyones last choice...and their not even hiring...
And turning to crime is out of the question...
But i could see why in times like this, some would want to sell themselves...
Capitalism...it only works if your allowed to participate...

Why do I post these wierd photos? Cause it's my way of being rebellious...

Peoples sensibilities mean nothing to me when it has nothing to do with 'morality'....if it's just a matter of style and taste...what do I care...
But if it's about morality...then I care...

And if someone does care...they will kindly share with you their ideas about 'salvation' and 'faith'....love would draw them close to you out of concern...

But if they just say 'yuk'...and run away...then who were they to begin with?