Alone and vunerable....

Hi, I did not sleep well last night...well I did..but I had haunting dreams...
Some staff member posted something about God...subconsciously I did take note...believe it or not...I use to be very 'proper' and 'straight' and 'correct'...

Maybe this is a backlash from all those years...I don't know...my moods change so drastically...sometimes I feel so macho and tough...other times I feel like ice-cream...and just want a hug...and to cry...and for someone to take care of me...
Love I guess is what I want...

But often times as males...people can't see that...males put on such a macho front...that people don't realize we're just as vunerable as females...

I hate...despise...the whole thug culture movement...I hate it...I dread it...and I hate being cast in that shadow...
That's one reason why I try so hard to present a different side...
Whenever I hear certain brainless rap music blarring...I feel like throwing a brick through the window...and saying...'how could you be so stupid as to listen to that?...do you know how much that has harmed us? cast us in a negitave shadow...?
I hate it when people 'fear' me....
So maybe that's why I 'switched' personas...believe it or not I'd rather have people think I'm gay or queer than a thug...

I was riding my bike the other night and started chatting with some 'Revalutionaries'...power to the people stuff...it felt like I was back on the west coast...they started talking all this shallam isalam shallam islamic stuff...
Peace be unto you...I guess?
They were drunk...and so was I...a bit...

But if felt wrong...deep down inside I'm a christian...deep down inside...I love the lord and what he did for us on the cross...
deep down inside I honor the savior...
but something happened...I became lost and confused...frustrated...

I got tired of people not seeing who I really was....which was sensitive kind and gentle...
I'm struggling right now with my identity...
Who do I want people to think or know that I am?
What is proper...what is improper...I just don't know anymore...

When I'm at work and all...you would think I was the most normal person in the world...I speak proper, act proper...but when I'm off work and on my own time...I struggle with identity...

I think everyone struggles...I'm just more upfront and honest with mine...
I took this shot of a young street girl...alone and vunerable...this is really what I am on the inside...this is what a lot of us are...whether we admit it or not...alone and vunerable...