There's something I have to get off my chest.It's really bothering me and I need some other opinions other than my own.My husband & I team drove off and on for 10 years.A year ago,he was out running solo for a while,believe me,we needed the break.he was runnin through Mississippi,and had a wreck(that was not his fault-still in lidigation over it).Totalled his brand-new truck.After 8 months of being on workmans comp(a BIG JOKE!!I JUST WISH IT WAS A FUNNY ONE)he tried to go back to work.I knew it was a mistake bcuz the wreck really changed him mentally.He keep talking on one hand about how he wanted to "get back on the horse",but on the other,he didn't wanna drive anymore.So,I sign up for orientation,and go back to this same company.He's there,waiting to get cleared.I took a local run so I could be close to come pick him up,and we could both be out there trucking again.Anyway,I get a call from him,UPSET,saying he failled his drug test!!(mind you,he just got off workman's comp-THEY KNEW THIS,and had back injuries he was on medication for)Anyway,I ended up running solo for 6 months and it was ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE!!I get off the road,he takes a local job back home,they hired him because the failed drug test hadn't shown up on his DAC report.Anyway,months later,we move down here to Arkansas.To make a long story short,no one will hire him with this on his DAC,I refuse to drive solo.I have to have a team partner with me because it is just too dangerous out there by myself.(more on this later) He says he will leave me if I team with a male,and I'm sitting here thinking it;s a mistake staying with him because I feel like he failed that drug test on purpose.I resent him now,I've beeb supportive through all of this nightmare I've been through,but I also don't wanna end up homeless over all this bcuz we have no income comming in,the money is almost gone,and the only way I can support both of us IS drive a truck!!Help!!Am I just heartless,cruel and self-centerd,or am I just telling myself the TRUTH,and should get outta this while I can??I find myself pulling away from him,and I don't want him to even touch me,cuz i feel like he let me down!!

I am not here to suggest you divorce your husband. Certainly, I don't know you, your husband or your situation well enough to do anything like that. I will, on the other hand, share my experiences with some of the things we have in common. Namely injury wrecks and wrecking my marriage because of being a truck driver first and a husband second.

Could you come back after a wreck is a question that is often asked amongst BS'ing truck drivers. Nobody knows. Some years ago I rolled a truck down a ditch off a county road in South Dakota. The truck made a 3/4 turn and landed on the drivers side, nearly got her back on her wheels. The windshield visor was flattened on the hood. The top of the trailer never even touched the ground. I got out with 3 broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder and grass stains on my forehead. It was a good'un. The reason I was able to get back on the road was very likely ego. My ego wouldn't let me lose self confidence. More on this later.

If a driver loses his self confidence he has lost a lot more than his ability to drive a truck. If a driver can't drive it becomes darn tough to provide for his family. Being a provider is what men/husbands do. All of a sudden his ego is being attacked on two fronts. The accident may not have been his fault. Not being able to climb back in the truck is not his fault. The hardest part is admitting to himself that he just can't do it anymore. If, in fact, he torpedoed his drug test, he was basically saying "this is not my fault either". At this point being at fault or not at fault is moot, going forward and working is what is important. As long as your hubby is willing to work things will get better. If he is willing to sit around saying "I am a truck driver and no one will hire me", then he needs to go talk to someone. Not being able to control who his wife is "living" (working) with day in, day out would be a tough shot to the ego.

Now onto ego, self confidence and wrecking my marriage. In short, I was warned of me ex's history of depression. She was very honest and forth coming. I was ready. I was prepared. And I was WRONG. When things turned sideways my ego and self confidence didn't let me admit I was in so far over my head that I was digging harder towards China than towards home. I used driving to escape to where I had a sense of control. I definitely didn't feel like I had any sense of control at home. Being in the midst of a desperate depression and not getting support from her husband my wife fled back home and washed her hands of me. That is the simple version but you can get the idea.

Fault doesn't matter, that is looking towards the past. The loss of control and sense of pride lead us to do desperate things. Ego and self confidence can be an ally or an enemy, when your ego becomes an enemy you need to find some help. Please do what ever you can to keep things together. I never felt relief when I got divorced, only a deeper sense of guilt.

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Once I was young,
And went alone,
And wandering lost my way.

When a friend I found I felt me rich;
Man is cheered by man.

The Poetic Edda
circa 950 AD

If you take money out of the equation, do you love him? Have you told him you resent him? I wouldn't want to see you divorced over money. As an O/O, it gets tight. Money isn't pouring down around here like rain. We have our droughts. Has he tried a job in another field? I believe you need to decide if you love him. If you do, than there is no doubt in my mind it will work.

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Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Well it's froggy here in the bay tonight so I'm gonna jump and hope I can put into words what I mean to say.

I know how you feel completely. My ex-hb was injured not once but three times on the job and spent the majority of the 18+ years we were together on Workers Comp. Hail no, it was not a picnic and thank God I worked full time or I'd whacked him myself.

I've been there and done that with several major Workers Comp insurances, not to mention countless doctor visits, QME's, medications, physical therapy, Voc Rehab and who knows what else my fuzzy little mind is forgetting.

Resentment: You bet your life. As each event unfolded I was compassionate and supportive but it did take it's tole. Many many times I questioned what I was doing and why because he seemed to milk it for what it was worth and always played the 'I'm hurt' card just a wee bit more than he needed. Not to mention the kids told on him because he'd wouldn't be able to do this or that to help out around the house or work but as soon as I'd leave the house he was fine.

My resentment set in heavy after the second accident when I worked 40 hours a week, paid the bills, covered our hind ends 50 ways from Sunday, raised our girls because he was too doped up on 'pain' meds, then too busy because he and his 'girlfriends' were having a study session at Denny's after class.

Grrrrrrrrrr....Yes it still stings a bit.

But regardless of how I felt I keep a chuggin right along singin.........'Stand by your man'.......In my opinion that's what a wife is suppose to do.....stand by her man in sickness and in health. I gave until I was empty and had nothing left to give but then again the root of the divorce stemmed from issues present long before the accidents.

It seems to me as Dieselhound said, you need to honestly ask yourself if you love him. At this point the resentment will play a heavy card here but take the time to think back to before the accident, think back to why you married him. Hail make a list if you need to, drag out old photo albums, whatever it might take for you to make a fair decision and not one based out of anger and resentment.... don't 'gut react'. You could be making a permanent decision to a temporary problem.

I'm not one to preach 'stay married' to anyone. Each and every marriage is as different as the individuals who enter into it but I personally see marriage as a give and take, lessons taught and lessons learned, each brings something different to the table that the other can benefit from and communication is always at the forefront no matter what. I can say that now because I learned the hard way.

I'm just curious but if the shoes were on the other foot what do you think he'd be doing, saying or possibly feeling?

Awesome post.....thanks.

It's far and few between that men post about issues such as this and allow us women to view the position from a mans perspective.

Relationships at best are complicated and take work but throw in different situations and unless you communicate and stay on top of the issue it can go wild and run away with you.

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southernraven, I haven't experienced your exact situation, so I can not advise about that.
I WOULD like to pose these questions to you...

Do you truly love your husband?
(or was/is he simply a wage earner in your life?)
Does HE know how YOU resent him?
(or do you quietly simmer, giving him no clue as to WHY/HOW you are feeling?)

IMHO, what you are feeling is perfectly understandable, but you also need to let hin know what you are feeling. Trust me on this, harboring resentments without voicing them to your spouse, reasonably. can only lead to MORE bad feelings.
Trust that the love you have for each other will and can weather this storm.

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There is no greater generosity than generosity of spirit.

I agree Red she has got to tell him how she feels, that is if she safely can. I knew better so as you said I sat and simmered for years, cried myself to sleep and even blamed myself. I'm not a quitter by any means and know the key to any relationship is weathering the storm together as one and not as separate entities.

Raven keep your chin up and eyes focused.

Good Luck !

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Southernraven
I think maybe you need time to really think about this. Maybe your husband just was not ready to go back to work yet, and did thinking it would help both of you.
There are so many questions and I think you really need to talk to him about this.
I have been married 42 yrs, we have had our moments. Everything that comes our way makes us stronger, we just need to give those things a chance to work their way through the hard times.
You and your husband will be in my prayers. I so hope for both of you that everything works out for the best.
Sending you many blessings!