Stun gun.......
ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary




Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in
a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perche d delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The
directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"



What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!#$#$%!#*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm stilllooking for my testicles. I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Tommy

T. Wilson, that was hilarious! You posted a lot of jokes and life experiences; this one was the funniest.

Can you do it again, but get it on webcam this time? Hey, you just gave me a thought. $100.000 for funniest home videos. Where's our cats? My wife or teenager at?

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My childhood dream of becoming a truck driver turned into a nightmare!

Darth,

Thank you. This post was for the guys. The one on waxing is for all us gals. The first time I read this one, I sat here and laughed so hard I was crying. My husband finally had to come see what had me howling. He read it and got the same reaction. We both sort of know what shock is from the electric fence for the horses. Course the one for waxing had me howling too. And him.

Notarps,

I hadn't considered using one on the cats. However, the ex-husband would be prime target. Possibly the horses. You ever seen a horse goosed by an electric fence? It's axholes and elbows for them getting out of there. Kind of funny actually. Truly though, I don't think I'd goose one of the animals with one. But definitely the ex.

Which brought to mind an incident that happened back in the summer of 2006. My husband's brother was staying with us for a while, and we had went to the local Big R store to get horse feed. Of course the boys (hubby and bro-in-law) were running around the store playing with things. They were in the livestock aisle and bro found the battery operated cattle prods. Two triple A batteries are all that is needed to run one of these. Bro says to hubby, I wonder if these things work. And touched hubby on the back while hitting the button. There were batteries in it. It worked. REALLY WELL!!!!! Keep in mind that these cattle prods are designed to shock at 1000 pound animal with thicker skin than we have. I was half the store away and heard him yell SON OF A ****!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dropped him to his knees, made him shake, spots in front of his eyes, and he said he almost wet himself. There was a store employee there in the aisle as well. And the store employee went and told other store employees, after he could stand up from laughing so hard.

I won't tell you how hard I was laughing, or that I had to sit down in the middle of the floor because I couldn't stand up. That would just be disrespectful of the pain that it caused my husband. Ya right!! I was laughing my hinney off!!!!

[quote=t_wilson0321;341276]Darth,



Notarps,

I hadn't considered using one on the cats. quote]


Normally I would not either, but I found out that one of ours had been drinking my coffee out of my mug and one of them got mad at me and whizzed on my boots. One also jumped out of our bedroom window a long time ago and landed on my face and just about severed my eyelid. Cats are very revengefull. Here kitty kitty kitty, got a new stun gun toy for you!

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My childhood dream of becoming a truck driver turned into a nightmare!

I guess this one funny to me because I can relate to it. Men always have to tinker and mess with things. I wouldn't mess with a police tazer but I could see myself reasoning the same way, 2 AAA batteries cant do that much harm, can they? LOL thats me! The Indian one, dont ever repeat it! and the waxing one I guess were for women. The farting one is for Old people.
You got jokes for All ages! LOL

You never know it might be funny to Indians

Actually, it's funny to Indy fans.