These are actual questions asked by lawyers.


Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

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A city guy got very tired of crowds, pollution, and city life in general, and decided to retire to the country.

He bought a little place in the middle of nowhere for the peace and quiet, and where the nearest neighbor was 10 miles away.

After a few months, he heard a knock on the door. Outside the door stood a scruffy, heavily bearded rural fella, about six-foot-four inches tall, 250 lbs., in jeans, a flannel shirt, and boots covered in mud and cow manure.

"Ah'm yar neighbor" mumbled the taciturn visitor.

"Well... er... good to meet you" replied the city guy.

"Ah'm havin' a little party over to mah house tomorrah night.
Round seven.
Wanna come?"

The city guy was a little put off but after thinking about it and deciding there could be no REAL harm in it, said "sure, I'd like that."

The rustic turns to go but then thinks better of it and turns back.

"Should prob'ly warn ya -- there're times when wrasslin' and a'fightin' breaks out at mah parties."

City guy swallows hard, but wants to be a good neighbor and figures he'll leave if anything gets out of hand.

"And thar can be some purty wild sex at times..."

Well, THAT doesn't sound so bad to the city guy -- he's been out here alone for months, after all!

The country fella turns once again to go and starts down the path.

"Wait, I have one question," says the city guy. "Is this kinda of a formal thing, or more informal?* What should I wear?"

The country boy turns one last time. "Don't matter none -- wear whutever you want.

Ain't gonna be but the two of us."

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Oh, those were great! I especially love the stupid but true things people say.

It's astonishing what a law degree does to a mind! Those remind me of the joke my son told me once.

A bus loaded with lawyers went off a cliff. Do you know what a crying shame is? There was room for one more!

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I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

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