I am losing my mind...

Discussion in 'Experienced Truckers' Advice' started by rockinmindless, Dec 1, 2013.

  1. rockinmindless

    rockinmindless Bobtail Member

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    This realization first started to hit me about 4 months ago.

    I had burned through the time with my trainer and he had me solo out after just 8 days. He said, and I agreed, that the rest of the lessons I was going to learn were going to have to be by myself. I was a safe driver, cautious behind the wheel and respectful of the damage my 80,000 lb machine could inflict. I was ready, I was hungry, I wanted to get out and live the OTR life.

    I stayed out for 2 months after soloing out, the company basically forced me to citing burnout. I didnt want to, but I obliged. This was 4 months ago and I havent been home since and I dont think I ever want to again. I dont think I can.

    For one, I couldn't sleep. Id stay up until 4 AM just laying in bed then wake up in a panic at 6 AM thinking "Oh God! I have to get moving!" From there I would just be addicted to moving around. I had to go somewhere, anywhere. In my 5 days of hometime I put 2400 miles on my 4 wheeler. I just drove and drove. It was nice I thought not having to log. My 3rd day home I binged, driving 18 hours only interrupted to get gas from Chicago, to Memphis, to St Louis and back. Then when I got home, I still couldn't sleep. "Ive been here already, I have to get moving, I cant stay here." The walls would close in on me and I started feeling trapped. I wound up that night learning alcohol helped a little, and now I can get through long layovers,(long for me is 24+ hours, a 34 hour restart is something I almost will never do) and stays at the shop by drinking a little.

    I cant stay in the same place more than 10 hours ever without teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown. 10 is too long most of the time too, I wake up and just stare,at my Qualcomm waiting for it to give the reset, I pre-trip, then Im out of there. Ive resorted largely to 8/2 splits to help with this, but now Im starting (occasionally) to be driven insane by 8 stationary hours.

    I barely sleep, maybe 3 or 4 hours a night. My dreams are very bizarre. I often commit suicide in my dreams, a lot of them center around me running from the police. Sometimes they are just weird, one had me getting the tour of a container ship full of guinea pigs only to have it revealed that rats from outer space land on the ship and devour the guinea pigs. Weird stuff, I know.

    I dont talk to anyone. I cant stand human interaction.

    I just want to drive.

    Im a little scared, though I know Im still driving safely and not putting anyone at risk. I never feel tired behind the wheel and I 100% do not touch booze if I know Ill be on the road within 24 hours.

    I just dont know what to do, something is clearly going wrong with my head.
     
  2. CenutryClass

    CenutryClass Road Train Member

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  3. pattyj

    pattyj Road Train Member

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    What's wrong is you have insomnia.Better go see a doctor before you do end up in a serious accident.But I also see by your avatar you're a newby.So it could just be nerves which will pass with more exp.Then you're going not wanna drive and drive because the pay isn't worth busting your ###.
     
    Skydivedavec Thanks this.
  4. rockinmindless

    rockinmindless Bobtail Member

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    Nah, its not insomnia when Im in the truck. When my head hits the pillow I go out in about 5 minutes. Its pretty peaceful until the dreams start, and then it gets weird and I wake up. The money is inconsequential, Ive saved everything because I eat once every other day and never buy anything. At this point, I'd do it for free.
     
  5. crzyjarmans

    crzyjarmans Road Train Member

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    If this is not a joke!, stop driving a big rig!! seek professional help before you kill someone when you loose control of that 80,000 lbs vehicle your driving, by the way, what company do you drive for?
     
  6. "Hang - Man"

    "Hang - Man" Heavy Load Member

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    Yep your insane! :Ambulance car:
     
  7. pattyj

    pattyj Road Train Member

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    Well either start eating more or a different food.Certain foods can cause dreams.One day lack of sleep will catch up with you as well as too much driving.Both are hard on the body.
     
  8. 4noReason

    4noReason Road Train Member

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    dude. your a weirdo.
     
    snowblind Thanks this.
  9. rockinmindless

    rockinmindless Bobtail Member

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    Im not dangerous. If I was I'd stop, I might have a screw or two loose but I have a pretty good hold on reality and the moral obligation to not hurt people.
     
  10. rockinmindless

    rockinmindless Bobtail Member

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    And I sleep every night, pretty much without exception.