Trucking can be like a bad marriage...

Hi,...I still have truck...but it's sitting...company we're leased to is playing games...their 'mad'...so are probablly not going to give us anymore loads...just the final straw that broke the camels back for me...

That attitude...that just totally did it for me...so ye, I'm done...emotionally...but not officially till the end of the week...

I'm happy, but not ####y...cause I know things can turn bad quick, if I'm not careful...

Moving companies??

They pay good...but no, I haven't considered that yet...

Whatever I get into next...it will be dealing with people...that's my specialty...and what makes me happy...

So yes, you can be happy for me, and also cautious...cause for most of us 'Life is not a rose garden'...(something my fther use to always say, even though blah blah blah)

Believe it or not...sometimes I scare myself...

I tend to live real life, like I'm in a movie...and that doesn't always translate well...

Oh the stories I could tell...

Anyways...thanks for checking in....

 

Hi...remember...I may be diverting away from driving a semi trucks as a job...but it doesn't mean I'm diverting away from you all...

U4EA...is the catalist to my departure.. about a week ago when he said he got depressed reading his own stuff, it activated something in me too...

I'm a man of action...for real...as long as it's honorable...

I'm the type that if your shot in combat...I will go back and get you...



I don't leave no one behind...no one who's ever stuck up for me in the past...

I'm the type that if I ever won 20 million dollors...I would look up and track down all those in my past...including those on here...and share the wealth...

I could never win a million, and then forget about those who helped me through hard times...that's not my nature...but of course ya gotta help mom first...everyone has to help their mother first and foremost...that's a given....

U4EA is still my general...no matter what, that will not end until said time...and that said time is far from the radar...

Loyalty and friendship is not about agreeing on every issue or item...it's more like an oath...to guard and protect each other regardless...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRkovnss7sg

And with that I will leave you tonight with a little Vietnamn era funk and jive by the wonderful and talented Nancy Sinatra...

I am spirit, and therefore not bound by culture or flesh...i see what i see, and am free to walk between walls...

I am the ghostchild...goodnight...

 

Ok, I think I've pulled my last load in that truck on Saturday...I'm not getting dispatched again...as such I can start looking forward....

I'm currently studying for a test I must pass to obtain something I think I want...we'll see...

In the meantime...I'm checking out other part-time gigs...cause that's all I want for now...I don't ever want to work full time misery again...I'd rather work part time temp jobs and go back to school, if I have to, than work another job that made me feel like the last...

Question...

How come some people feel that just because they gave up beer, that somehow their closer to 'the lord'??

And if they see you buying a beer...they think your a satan worshipper??



Just because I drink beer, doesn't mean I worship Satan...ok...as the fella tonight tried to imply....

He's like 'I gave my life to christ, and gave up beer'...

And he said it while I had two beers in my hand at the store...I'm like 'good grief'..

If he was so into the lord...why didn't he initiate the conversation??

I initiated the conversation, not him....

Not only that but he had a support system...a woman, a girlfriend...

It's easy to resist this or that when you have someone who loves you...support...but try doing it when your single and alone...

There's a lot of bad things people put in their bodies besides beer...

They act like beer is the only bad element you can put in your body or consume....

I use to not drink beer...and I'll admit...drinking beer has led to me doing things I otherwise might not...plenty of things...sometimes It brings out another said...the devilish deviant side...I guess...devilish, deviant and silly...

I hope the next job I get has women on it...like a 50/50 ratio...

I called a woman tonight...and felt like John Travolta from Grease, talking to her...like I was in high school again or something...I was just bored...

She has a immature boyfriend though...so it's kinda like 'safe talk'...

It's so cold down here that no one is out tonight...people down here aren't use to cold...it will get down to 24-22 degrees tonight...

I still feel positive and optimistic...
I have many options...it's not like i have a $1200.00 dollar a month rent payment...or kids, or car payment...my life is streamlined...I only pay the basics...so I can get by on very little and still live as good as anyone else...

I planned it that way a few years ago...I wanted it that way on purpose so I could relax...so I could up and quite any job I felt like quiting...I got tired of being a slave to the system...

I own everything I have...even the place I live in...which isn't much...but it's home...no payments what so ever...(hurray)..


I'm watching a movie right now titled 'The Yes man' by Jim Carrie...
very interesting comedy...about how saying 'yes' to everything can greatly improove your life..funny I should buy such a film right now at this juncture...

I may actually try that for one day or half a day, just as a experiment...

(long long pause after observing possum in back yard eating cat food...yuk)...

Ok, let me wrap this post up, cause that possum has distracted me...thing looks like a clown, like it's wearing a mask...yuk...

 

Not sure...guy told me to call in tonight...it's temp labour type stuff...but pays $12 an hour...

Definatly not a job a Ivy league type would want...
It's dealing with port stuff...good thing I already have my badges...without the badges...forget it...

This is not perminant for me...just temp fill in stuff...my main goal is a bit more ambitious...but until then, I need something to do...and 12 an hour isn't so bad...

You tend to find more opportunity if your 'humble' and not stuck up....

Now how come I can find a job in 2 days, and some have been looking for 2 years??

Again...the jobs are out there...you just can't be stuck up or overly picky...

I mean I may show up and hate this job, or assignment...but again...it's temp stuff...so it don't really matter...then again...I may like it, connect well with the people there, and get perminatly assigned...

All I know is I feel much more relaxed sinced walking away from last job...

You, the reader, may or may not notice how much more relaxed I am....Not saying things will remain this way...everything is always in flux, like weather...hour to hour...you could be happy and relaxed one hour...and then recieve a phone call the next hour...and suddenly the clouds and rain are back...


So you can only live by how you feel at the moment, not how you might feel tomorrow or how ya felt a week ago...
Animals have that ability, that incredible ability to live for the moment...that's why they make us relax so much as pets...

I simply feel better now, cause I'm calling the shots...
Not out of wealth or anything like that...but simply cause i'm calling the shots again...and that feels good...



Sorry, I just couldn't say that phrase without mentioning James Brown...

Yes, I feel good or relaxed simply cause now when I wake up, I don't have to wonder where I'll be at the end of the day...or worry about some dispatcher assigning me a load, without asking my permision first, without asking me if I want it, or how do I feel about it, without giving me a few options...but simply assigning me a load, irregardless of how I feel, my body feels, my mind feels...

While they go home at 4 or 5 pm to a nice house, then go to the movie or play or hang out or bowling...and I'm half awake, dirty, malnurished, stuck in a winter storm, behind on logs, trying to get load delivered on time, wondering where can I park if I arrive early, but since there's no truck stops within 50 miles, having to improvise...hopeing that where I do park is safe, that no ones targeting me for a crime, or that a cop won't wake me up cause I'm parked illegally...
And then only getting 3 hours sleep before someones banging on your door to back into dock...

Where your red eyed, at your worse, and the female receptionist is thinking 'Gee, where did this guy come from, look at their eyes, are they drunk?'...

All I'm saying is the accumilative stress of that day in and day out...can and will wear you down...

(and no, not all routes are like that, some routes allow you plenty of time to rest...maybe to much)...

Point being...drivers should have more say so in loads their assigned...now no matter how 'anti me' you may be...we can at least agree on that...

One thing I could never udnerstand about this industry is why does a driver need someone else to tell them where to go?

Why does a driver need a 'driver manager'??
Maybe some want one...I certaintly don't...I can manage my own responsibilities on the road, without a ivy league prepi telling me where I'm going next...

There's 25 year olds running million dollar corporations...flying million dollar fighter jets...



But yet these companies don't think you the driver, are capable of but the most simplistic of tasks...how insulting...

23-25 years olds soaring in jets, and yet dispatchers treat 30-60 year old drivers like they can't even tie their own shoes...

It's hard, but not impossible, to soar in that type of enviornment...

Oh, it can be done, and many drivers do it, who are focused and have a passion for it...

If I still had the passion, I could do it...believe me you...I could...
But road life just wears away at me to quick, before I can accomplish said goals, within trucking...

I mean I went as far as I could...I tried so hard to last longer...I just couldn't...I would have died if I continued...some part of me would have...

So I just put on the brakes and stopped...



I had to stop, cause I didn't know where I was going anymore...


Anyways...didn't mean to go on so long...

Not sure how long to continue this thread...If I really do leave trucking...if I can stay away for one full month without relapse...then i may retire this thread and start a new one with a new name to reflect 'life after trucking' or 'divorced from trucking' or 'moving on'...or if anyone else has a name let me know...but i have to stay away for a full month first...

If I do drive again...it would have to be under these conditions..

1. Start at home, end up at home...wake up at home...go to work again..

2. In city deliver route driver...

3. Temporary seasonal short assignments...

4. Over seas opportunity

5. Van or Courier...

In other words, what ever type of cdl truck job I may get in the future...has to have a set route, no dispatcher, home daily, or home...out, cover specific route, and home again...hourly or salaried pay...

But no more of this loose, your just out there and go where we want you to go stuff, missing holidays and all, looking for places to shower and grab a decent meal and all...none of that...that's out...I hope...

Unless I had 5 kids to feed...and luckily I don't...

Ok I'm done...got things to do...I'm a writaholic as you can tell...even when not driving...infact, I write more when I'm not driving...

 

Wow...it's amazing how much stuff can fit into these sleepers...



I guess it's stuff you accumilate over time...clothes, and other misc items...then when you transfer it all back into your place...your like

'Ok, what am I going to do with this stuff?'

I didn't feel happy or sad unpacking...It just felt like a nessisary task...

I've done it many times before...

I don't know what tomorrow will bring...I have no idea...I know what I want, but that don't mean it will happen...

Like I said...my expenses are such that I don't need a lot to get by own...and that's by design...Your able to relax more that way and just have fun...

I'm not stupid enough to go out and by 2-3 new cars with payments and insurance...and rent or house payment and this payment and that payment...I'm not that dumb...

What I am is a rebel...

I may not be your type of rebel...but none the less I am one...



But not all rebels are evil and hell bound...you can be a rebel for 'good' and common sense too...

I'm much to sensitive to be evil...

I'm not from the hills of Tennessee...but I can relate to your values...believe me I can...

At least the good ones...if that value system is rooted in blanket racism...than no, I can't relate to that...and never will...

But if that value system is rooted in fair treatment of others...than ye, I can relate to that...

I got lost in them hills one time...

Anyhow...it's dinner time...oh what shall I have...

I feel like steamed fish from winn-dixie....and salad...yes...that's what it shall be...

 

I'm back...with fish and steamed seasoned corn on a cob and potatoes...oh so good...cost about 9 bucks...

When I was at convient store...waiting in line...some guy just cut, stood right infront of me...a 'hood' guy...tough guy...I guess he thought i wasn't going to say nothing...and maybe I wouldn't of if he hadn't been so blatant about it...to where if I didn't it would be one of those prison house situations..



You know...where if you give in once...your defined...

Well, I wasn't having that...so I politely said..

'Excuse me, are you with him? (meaning the guy infront of him)

And they responded in some mumbled sorry excuse type of way...
And in the end they allowed me my proper place in line...

Where I live, street people are always testing you...you gotta be careful...there's a time to hold, and a time to fold...tonight was a time to hold...

But a situation like that can erupt in violence in about 2 nanno seconds...so ya gotta know who your dealing with...cause what if they have home boys waiting outside??

That's why you gotta be stern, but polite when dealing with certain people...allow them a way out...their ego that is...

Don't ever trap someones ego...if you know what I mean...(people from the tough streets will know exactly what I mean)...

Any how...could only eat half the meal...so so good...

And I called that guy back..he wants me to report tomorrow at like 05:30 am...


That means I gotta wake up early...in the cold...oh my gosh...what have I gotten myself into...

Even at $12.00 an hour...what have I gotten myself into??

My lazy side says no...not only no but hll no!!

But my curious side says 'ye, why not'....

I hate, repeat hate waking up early in the cold...you feel petrified, stiff...

But it's money...and they're swamped with work...how bad could it be??

Sometimes when I think I have it bad, I just tell myself at least I'm not facing bullets in Afganistan...

I mean again...this is only temporary, I have much higher aims...

But it's not like I'm married, and have someone earning income for me...so if I don't earn it...no one will...

And I've learned from the past...never wait until your almost broke, to start earning money...cause then it's to late...and you have no choice in that matter...don't wait till it get's there...

I could actually go a few months without working...but why...?

I could actually earn more with this job than I did driving...per hour that is...or per time on the job...

If nothing else I'll loose weight and become very thin again...

(am I babbling on and on again...sorry...)

I could go drive a cab...and be in heated comfort...but with cab driving...you can sometimes put in 12 hours and only earn yourself $20 bucks after expenses...

5:30...that means I gotta go to bed early tonight...

I mean what's the big deal...how many times did I wake up that early in the truck...almost daily...so what's the big deal...??

(am I still babbling??, ok almost done...)

Writing on here just helps me to escape reality...it allows me to feel like the Narrator, rather than the Character...

How does a metrosexual guy like me, always end up working around these rough tough Brutas types...



How can I keep my hands soft, and face clean, if I'm always working in these rough type enviornments??

Just because I'm a guy, doesn't mean I want aligator skin...

After all, I have to sleep with myself nightly...and when I feel my own skin, i don't want it to feel like aligator hide...

How could I enjoy that??

(now the beer in me is talking)

I'm just saying...why do, or would, I want my own skin to be all rough??
How does that benefit me??

After all, if I had a lady friend...her legs would be smooth...but I don't...
So since I lay alone...why can't mine?

I can pretend I'm a man and a woman at the same time...but only when single...

But when paired with a woman...than she can be the woman...and I can be the man...but when alone...why can't I be both??

Nature always seeks a balance...

Good gracious..I can't believe I gotta get up at 4 am...why am I being tortured like this??

Well if I don't like it...I can just quit right there on the spot..and walk home...

What if I get injured??
Then what? who'll take care of me??

If I were a woman, I'd love to be a housewife and walk around the house all day barefoot...and let the man do all the work...while I watch tv and eat popcorn...

(phone call disruption, I'm back)...

Ok where was I?

Oh ye, If i were a woman, I'd love to have a rich NFL player or Naval pilot, come take care of me, and all I had to do was walk around the mantion barefoot...but not pregant...



One of my favorite movies ever here...I could play either role...I could be the hero who walks in and rescues, or I could be the one getting rescued...don't matter to me...

Hll...I'll cook your food, if I can walk on your marble floors barefoot...



Why do these celebraty wives complain??
If I were married to a rich hollywood man...he could stay away for months at a time and i wouldn't care...

I'd be off taking pilot lessons, skiing, gambling..ect ect...but maybe I'm thinking as a guy...

I think boy George is or was cute...



But now he looks like a hippoe...
I've seen some women in the hood who don't have his grace and elegance...at least back then when he was younger...now he looks like Jabba the hut...but back then he looked good...

When I was a kid...I thought he was a woman...I was fooled...like many others...

I use to post photos of myself on here all the time..until ..........told me not to...so I still respect that...

Anyways...I guess I should wrap this up...why does tomorrow have to come?
And why must I be so difficult?
Why must I be renegade and rebel?? why?
Why can't I just conform like everyone else??
My life would be so much easier??

Anyways...it has been fun...
I hope I make it through tomorrow...

I'm going to start going to the comedy zone again...while I'm alive...why not..



But I need new material...the stuff I had way back when is irrelavant now...

Lord...have mercy on my soul....good night folks...

 

I had a whole mergance of dreams....but the one or ones i can remember are...

It was dark, on Freeway driving...a semi truck, in a abstract way, with others...at some freeway interchange...I missed a turn or something, trying to help others, and get bearing of where i was through them...

Then dream changed...suddenly I found myself in bed, and it was still dark...in some type of large hall or dorm room setting...

The place felt 'old'...the halls were big and wide, and echoed if you talked loud...



It felt like some old WW2 type institution...
From the bed...I could here someone approaching...I could here them mumbling about something, and their shoes tapping against the floor as they approached...

The lights were off and they had a flashlight...my bed was positioned at the end of the hall, behind curtains or maybe a large double closet type door...but it was opened enough to where I could see them approaching...

Whatever they said, made me nervious...the dream type of nervious where you just get that feeling...so I manuvered from top of bed to the bottom of the bed, hoping to avoid being seen or spotted...

As this dude approached...they spotted me...and started prodding me with a long white CB antenna...they were like

'Get up, get up'...they were totally focused on me...I was annoyed by this...and got up...and didn't like the guy..
Lights suddenly came on...and I could see them...and they vaguely reminded me of a driver...like two merged into one, that I could recognize from the past...

I could tell they didn't like me, but was just doing their job...

When the lights came on I became enboldened and got rebellious...
With lights on I could see there was another bed in there with me...and a guy...and we were next to a cafeteria that was seperated by large glass windows...they were serving food...

And I remember the other guy telling me to just 'let it go'..and so we went over to eat...
And then this guy turned into a old classmate of mine...and once again we were driving...it was day time now...and we started reflecting on the past...our high school years...

And I remember saying how I thought 4 years was long...back then...and how if I ,we, you, had gone to a 4 year college or instition, how now looking back, the time would of past like a breeze...and how college would of been way behind us by now...

we were like driving and talking...but could see each other...like the vehicles we were in were invisible....
Then suddenly I looked up, and lost him at an intersection...

The light turned red before I could get there, and he kept on going...twice that happened...

Then something funny made me laugh..and I woke up...and now I'm typing...

But as I was laughing...I could feel my heart...or what I thought was my heart...I kept thinking about my heart, and hoping I wasn't stressing it...



Which leads to the butterfly effect...and where U4EA comes into the picture...

When I got on here to type about my dream...I saw where he left a message or post...infact these are his words or quote...

" Wow, working again alreadY?
At least there's no pressure behind it; If you don't like it move on..
Good luck either way"....end quote..

But what stuck out to me was 'Wow, working again already'...

That my friends, is a warning and a red flag type of statement...like your conscious talking to you...that in lue of a relative calling to just say 'How much I appreciate you'...

Now in the movies, or in peoples biographies, when someone calls and expresses sentiment like that out of the blue...it always seems something bad follows...either to them or yourself...and so that spontanious call ends up being a closer statement...

That and other inner instinct gut feelings is why I'm not going to go to this job today...(right now it's 4:00 am)....

Something tells me it's not right...and to many things have occured over the last 12 hours that are like warning me not to go...

You have to listen to these things folks...
But U4EA's last post or comment sealed it...

That was a warning to me...a subconscious warning to not go...

I symbolically appointed U4EA as my General......

I did that for a reason...a reason I might not be able to transfer into words right now...

But life is a battle field...and as such...nations have militaries...and officers run these militaries and give battle field advice...

Look, I don't feel like writing a memoir right now so I gotta shorten this...

Everything is done for a reason...
But you have to 'listen'...I mean really listen...

No, not with your ears...but with your heart, your soul...that other energy or body that lies beneath...

U4EA left that message for a reason, (unbenonced to him) and I woke up at 3:15 am to read it for a reason...

It was meant...
And I appointed him my General for a reason...reasons that maybe I can't even fully grasp yet...but I did...and with that comes a certain level of trust...not in a direct way...but in a intuitave way...

I appointed him General...and he played a key role tonight in confirming what my gut was already telling me...and that is not to go...

But he did it unkowngly...just by being himself...but that 'himself' is why I appointed him to be my General...(I'm sure I've lost everyone by now)...

And he unkowingly did his job tonight...right on que...as planned by elements above and beyond me...and I listened to that message...

Cause I hear...I listen...my senses are turned on....



There's more to this world than most of you will ever realize...

 

I did not go to that temp job...the reasons why are listed above...
Mainly cause I just didn't have to...

It was a dangerious industrial job that required steel shoes..which I don't have...and I don't need to mess around and injure myself on a job where there's no benefits or anything...

I would have been taking an unessicary risk just to make a quick buck...

I just left one stressful situation, and doesn't make sense to thrust myself into another so quick...

I prooved I could find work almost immediatly, if i looked hard enough...actually it wasn't that hard...

Another red flag issue to me, was that the guy seemed to evasive on exactly what I was going to be doing...and when I asked...they were like 'Do ya want the work or not?'...instead of just telling me what it was...

That's what a con man does, or someone who has something to hide...

I don't like being 'conned' into doing things...

That tells me, a lot of people probablly show up, work, than quit...

None the less...I was still willing to go and give it a try...until that final message from my general...I had to wake up exactly when I did, in order to read it...

So I read it, factored it into other things, and made a decision...

So instead, I took vehicle to shop today...something I've been putting off for months...and will do other busy work type stuff...

It just feels good being home, and in the community again...