Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Ol' Red sounds like my trainer at PST, John John the Sewer Man. I called him that because his last name was kinda spelled like sewer... and that's what he smelled like. He never took a shower or made any attempt to clean himself the whole month we were out. Likewise, he was no financial genius, and was always looking to borrow money to feed the video poker machines. He'd call his wife and tell her that PST wasn't paying him... or that he was robbed at gunpoint... or a band of Nicaraguan Rebels took his check, etc.

 

The mere mention of Fruckee scales can make a grown trucker cry. It was two am and the big road was quiet as a church on a Saturday night. I had done a complete pretrip inspection, doctored up my comic book, and said a couple of Hell Larry's. So, I inched my way and put her in sneak gear, as I approached the forbidden steel slab. I wiped beads of sweat off my forehead, with my white knuckled hand. Crap ! Red lights, whistles blew, fog horns sounded, and the speaker spoke. Yep, I was screwed. Now it was strange that I wasn't ordered into the inspection station. I mean for a fleeting second I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could dodge the bullet. Nope ! Now get this. The dang Bears at the chicken coop waved for me to exit the truck. I gathered up the paperwork and sashayed over. One the bears looked more like a chicken. He as tall, slender, had a large pointed beak, and was all business.

Chicken Bear took my paperwork, " It says here that your hauling beer ? Why are you displaying Hazmat ? "

I looked back at the trailer, " Geez ! I guess that floppy sign must of swung open ? It's just beer and I'm sorry. "

Chicken Bear was a hard case, " So that's what is leaking out of the back and it's not hazardous ? "

I was honest, " Something is leaking ? I didn't know that ! Geez ! I guess, maybe a case broke open ? Man, that's coming out pretty good ! "

Chicken Bear was a jerk, " You drivers amaze me ! What if that was hazmat and you claim you didn't know ? Yeah, I guess you'd poison the whole state and play dumb ! "

I'd heard enough, " Look ! There's noway that I could see that ! Go look in the mirrors ! You can't see the back doors from there ! Man, it's just a few bottles of beer, I mean it's no big deal ! "

Chicken Bear wanted to make a federal case, " Where's your federal alcohol permit ? "

I scratched my head, " I guess, maybe my trainer has it with him in the sleeper. I'm just a student and he's the one that signed for the load. "

Chicken Bear didn't buy it, " Well driver, your the one responsible, your the one driving ! "

I gave up, " Look ! Let me get him and he can help sort this out. "

Chicken Bear barked his orders, " Just open the back doors and let me see what's back there. If it's beer then I'll cite you for that ! If it's hazardous you'll be lucky not to go to jail ! "

I protested, " Jail ? Are you nuts ? Over some spilled beer ? Give me a break this is silly ! "

Well, oh Chicken Bear was all hell bent on playing super cop. Yep, I just couldn't reason with him. I tried to point out that the bill of lading said beer, it smelt like beer, and it was beer. Oh no ! He snips off the seal from the back doors and yanks them open. Yep, it was like a slow motion horror film, like the blob, or maybe the Titanic. Yep, a river of foamy white suds came gushing out, as the doors knocked Chicken Bear to the ground. Oh the humanity of it all ! My first thought was to rush to his aid, but I couldn't. I mean, I was in shock ! Wave, after wave, after wave, of golden liquid brew, followed by bottle, after bottle, of broken glass. Yep, it done washed ole Chicken Bear down towards the exit. He looked like a white water rafter, without his raft. Anyway, the rescue squad showed up and wrung ole Chicken Bear out. They placed his drunk butt on a stretcher and wheeled him away. Anyway, besides the entertainment, I got issued a citation for unsecure load, and charged for the cleanup. What a deal ! Yep, I had to call and get a $ 500 advance to pay for all of that. But hey ! Between us Snazzers, it was worth every penny of it, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

That sounds like when I put my beer in the freezer to cool it off quick and forget it.
Kinda gets foamy and makes its way out of the bottle.

BTW Snaz, I am still here reading all the good story stuff. I do get to go to Reno next week though. You know some of that runway de-icer is needed at the airport there. We formulate that stuff at our plant here in Smelly City, WA.

Keep up the good writing as we all enjoy the truthful tales.

 

lilillill your trainer John sounds alot like ole Red. Oh, I'm glad your still with us Joellyroll and you be careful sliding down them mountains. Hey ! How about backing down them and deicing as you go ? Just a thought, as Life Goes On.

So, I had logged my required 12,000 miles and was ready to begin my second phase of training. Nope ! You see another thing these crooked companies do, is to always figure a way to screw you over. Yep, even though I'd completed my necessary 12,000 miles with my trainer, in less than three weeks, they didn't dispatch us back to Dallas. Yep ! I was stuck with Red for another week and drove another 4,000, at a nickel per mile. Yep, Crook Trucking screwed me out of a couple of hundred bucks that way. What a deal ! Anyway, I was happy when we pulled into the Dallas terminal and Red and I parted ways. Now, I have to admit that Red was a bit of a jerk. But, he was a good trainer, I mean not as much as a driving mentor. You know, more like a good guy to learn the paperwork from and the company way of doing things. Anyway, I was pretty hot at the company. I mean it was bad enough that they had cheated me out of several hundred dollars in pay. But what really chapped my buns was the way they did it. You see every time that my check was short, I had to call Crooks payroll department. Yep, some idiot there would claim that I needed to call PST. Of course PST would pass the buck back to Crook. It was game ! To make matters worse they would put me hold and leave me there. So, I decided to meet face to face with the idiot. Yep, I collected my settlement statements and marched into the office.

Now, one thing that I had learned from being a cop was to come prepared. Yep, I'd kept a log of every mile that truck had turned. I had my logbook, copies of all the tolls, lumper fees, flat repairs, copies of bills of lading, fines paid, and everything else. I knew to the exact penny, what was owed to me. Anyway, I sat there for an hour being ignored. I mean them folks thought that I'd give up and leave. Well, one thing that I'd learned in the military was when your hunting for bear go for the head. Yep, I sashayed across the hall and confronted the General Manager. Now, every trucking company has one. They go by different titles, but they're the main man. Yep, the man with all the answers. He runs the show, his word is the final word, the dispatchers fear him, mechanics avoid him, drivers salute him, and I was itching to stick my foot up his rump. Yep, the big showdown, Barney vs the Evil One. What a deal ! Anyway, his name was Ed, but behind his back the drivers called him Mother Ed. He was one of those type A personalities. You know, a control freak, nothing is done to his satisfaction, and he knows it all. Yep, every cash advance, truck repair, dispatch error, driver mishap, pay raise, vacation time, truck wash, truck tow, oil change, toilet paper roll, dog butt licking, termination, job promotion, and anything else was approved, or denied by Mother Ed.

Now I had dealt with the V A and knew every trick in the book. Yep, when someone in authority wants to avoid being responsible. Well, it's the old act of they're too busy. Yep, Mother Ed swiveled in his desk chair and showed me the back of his head. He pretended that he was on the phone with the United Nations discussing world peace. When that didn't work, he tried the old disappearing act. Yep, he grabbed a handful of paperwork and ran out the door. So, I went in foot pursuit and stayed on his tail. We hot footed across the parking lot and into the shop. The mechanics all scattered like roaches running for their lives. Ed leaped over a Kenworth and landed on the shop foreman. I stood at the ready, as Ed made his move. It was the old shove the Snap On toolbox to block my way. Yep, he jumped over the grease pit and tried hiding under a trailer. I rode the toolbox and swung on the air hose, like in a Tarzan movie. Out of desperation Ed tossed several big tires at me, as he ran full speed back to his office. I looked like the Uniroyal tire commercial, as I shuffled after him. Yep, wearing tires and all, I cornered Ed and we locked horns, as Life Goes On.

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Sic em' Snazzy:smt075

 

Yep Big Ducker them smiley faces look just like the showdown, as Life Goes On.

Now Mother Ed wasn't a pushover, he stood a good 6'2", weighed around 210, was in his mid thirties, had jet black wavy hair, was muscle bound from the gym, and was a health nut. You know, he didn't smoke, watched his diet, and stayed in shape. The one thing that he didn't have was a tan. Yep, he was pale as a ghost. I guess because he stayed inside all the time. I mean he worked from sunrise to the witching hour every night. Yep, there wouldn't of been a Crook Trucking company without Mother Ed. Anyway, I wiggled out of the tires and took a seat. Ed sat behind his desk and tried to stare me down.

I handed over my paperwork, " I'm Barney Goose and ya'll owe $ 706.62 ! "

Ed folded his arms, " You need to talk to payroll ! "

I shook my head, " No, you need to talk with them ! I'm not use to this ! I've never worked for an outfit that refuses to pay it's drivers ! "

Ed tried to BS me, " No one is refusing to pay anybody. You don't get your deductions reimbursed until after the account payable is received by our billing department. Now, that has to go through PST first and then once they collect it, the tooth fairy puts its under you pillow. You see, it's like that everywhere you go. I can't just can't hand over cabbage to Burr Rabbit and hope that the hungry Wolf didn't eat Snow White's snatch. "

I rubbed my face, " Do what ? "

Mother Ed continued, " Ok ! See, the bill of lading is like this Kleenex here. Now, if I blow nose, does that make it a snot rag ? Well, what if I wipe myself? Is it now toilet paper ? You can't say ! It's like when a tree falls in the forest ? Is a Bear catholic, does the Pope poo in the woods ? See, all of the three pigs couldn't fit on that one slipper. So, there you have it ! "

I understood, " So, your not going to pay me are you ? "

Ed scribbled out a memo, " Here, take this to Col. Custard and tell him that there are no hostiles at Horn Little Big. Then ride over to Sue's and make a reservation. Don't tell her about anything ! "

I slowly backed out of Ed's office. Yep, money's not everything and what the heck ? I mean, Crook Trucking wasn't going anywhere. Yep, I'd just bide my time. You know, there's more than one way to skin a crook. If they want to play crazy. Well, that's right up my alley, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

The messed with the wrong man! Snazzy is gonna get 'em. If anyone knows revenge it is Snazzy! :smt066 :smt077 :smt027

 

Yep Sassy that smiley face in the microwave is worth 50 Snazzy points, as Life Goes On.

I drove back to my apartment and unpacked, the place was a mess. I mean it looked like a flop house. Anyway, I'd wasted half a day arguing over my pay. Yep, that whole Crook Trucking ripoff kept me pissed off. Anyway, I was schedule for 3 days off and needed it. The worse part of teaming to me was the constant motion of the truck. Yep, I could sleep like a newborn if the truck was parked and idling, but that steady forward motion was a bit much. You know, I never actually fell into a deep sleep. Anyway, I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed and taking it easy. You know, on the road your constantly under the gun to get her done. Rush, rush, rush, and then wait, wait, and wait. Now Mike the Beard had paid for a telephone that was installed in my apartment. You know, I really didn't need one and could have gotten by without it. Anyway, I had given the number to Crook Trucking. Yep, sure enough !

Ring, ring, ring, " Hello. "

The voice, " Barney ? This is Victor and are you ready to go ? "

I looked at the receiver, " Who ? "

Victor tried to sound friendly, " I'm Vic and we need to get rolling ! Ed has us a load and I can pick you up. Where do live ? "

I pulled up on the reins, " Hold your horses buddy ! I just got in and have three days off. Hell, I've been on the road for almost a month ! "

Vic blew smoke up my tail, " Ed says that this a hot load and that we need to get going ! ?

I chuckled, " Tell Ed, that as soon as I get my $ 706.62, that I'll think about it. Oh, also tell him to kiss my butt ! "

Ed took the phone, " Hey ! This is Ed and ya'll need to get going ! "

I belched, " BUUUURRRRP ! So, pay me ! I'll leave right now and we can head out ! Yep, seven hundred, six dollars, and sixty two cents, from now. We can beat feet and eat up the big road. Yes sir ! For, seven hundred, six dollars, and sixty two cents ! "

Ed roared, " Get in here ! I'll have your check waiting ! Do we understand each other ! "

I agreed, " Yes sir, Mr Ed ! As long as that seven hundred, six ..."

The phone was slammed down and went dead. Yep, I repacked and headed back in. What a deal ! Yep, I tried not gloat as Ed shoved the check in my hand. Of course I had to read it out loud, " Seven hundred, six dollars, and sixty two cents! "

Anyway, they still had screwed me out of my time off. But hey ! I figured that the sooner I got that training time over with, the better. You know, all I wanted was to run solo and make a decent wage. So, me and Vic headed out. Now, Vic was a real piece of work. That dope smoking, arrogant, two faced, non driving, back stabbing, sorry excuse of a human being, is one of the reasons, that all of the decent drivers are treated the way they are. Yep, I could write a book about jerks like Victor. Oh, wait a minute, I already am, as Life Goes On.

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Now the way it was suppose to work was simple. You see, Crook Trucking required that the students logged 12,000 with their trainer. Then the students were paired together and had to log 24,000 miles as a team. Of course that meant that it took about six to eight weeks, depending on how many miles the team ran. Now, we moved up the pay scale, from a nickel per mile, to ten cents per mile. So on average, let's say 3,000 each, meant 6,000 miles per week, and that comes to a $600 pay settlement each. Now, that doesn't sound bad, but hey ! Just do the math, a week in trucking, is working seven days a week. Yep, ten hours per day and one day off. What a deal ! That comes out to less than $10.00 per hour. Now these tales go back aways, but hey ! Even today some of these outfits crow about your being paid while you learn to drive. Bull feathers ! Your being ripped off and made a sucker ! Don't forget all those student loans, company deductions, taxes, and living expenses. Yep, that road isn't free ! You have to eat, buy clothes, do laundry, get a haircut, and pay for them lot lizards. So, just know before you go ! Yep, unless your with a really good outfit, your in for a hell of a time. #### soapbox !

Vic had pulled a good one. Yep, when I went to store my stuff in the sleeper there wasn't room for nothing. He'd stuffed both closets full and even filled up the storage box under the lower bunk. I mean give me a break ! We were suppose to be a team and he acted like I was a refugee just tagging along. Another thing that ticked me off was he'd claimed the bottom bunk. Yep, DOT rules forbid the top bunk from being in use while the truck is in motion. Yep, ole Victor wasn't a team player. Anyway, that was nothing compared with what came next. He takes the wheel and beehives it to the local Flying J and cashes his $50 advance. Then he tells me that he needs to make a quick stop. Now that load we were under was already a day late. Some driver had quit while under it and we were suppose to save the day. It was a 53' footer, filled with U.S. mail, and headed to Atlanta. Well, so much for saving the day. Yep, ole Vic steers us into the hood. The deepest, darkest part, of Southeast, Dallas. What a deal ! Now, Vic was a light skinned black. You know, kind of had a reddish tint that glowed. He wasn't a bad looking guy, but not near as pretty as he thought he was. He was in his late 20's, 5'10", 160 lbs, and dressed well. Well, if wearing jeans so tight that his leg hairs stuck through. Yep, that man could barely walk and I know he couldn't sit down. Yep, he had to keep the air seat raised full height and just lean against it. Of course he wore a gold chain, had pierced ear rings, and wore dark shades. All he needed was a green hat, with a feather in it, and a diamond studded walking cane. Remember that guy that played with Robert Flake on that cop show ? Yeah, the one that had the pink Cadillac. Him !

Anyway, Victor parks our rig at the rear of a rundown apartment complex. I felt uneasy and out of place. I mean this area was so run down that the folks couldn't even afford cars. Yep, everybody was on foot and half of them were barefoot. I kept waiting to see elephants and monkeys. I mean it was like the National Geographic doing a special on Africa. Anyway, I'm sure that our big shinny rig was the talk of the bongo drums. I decided to make my final stand in the sleeper. Yep, them curtains would protect me against any incoming spears. Ole Victor assured me that I was safe and in no danger. According to him, most of the folks there had never seen a white man. So, I locked the doors and watched ole Vic stiff leg it into the darkness. Yep, the sun had gone down and the natives were restless. Anyway, Vic wasn't gone long, just until the sun was about to come up. Yep ! That Idiot left me there all night ! Now, your wondering why I didn't just leave him there and drive off ? Well I couldn't, the jerk had the only key ! Yep, and I #### sure wasn't going to hot foot it around there looking for him. So, he swigs down the last of his 40 ounce brew and acted like there was nothing wrong.

I gave him the look, " Hey Vic ! What's your problem ! Man, I tell you what, just get us going ! "

Vic acted shocked, " Man ! What's with you ? I had some business back there ! I only had two days off and that's not enough time ! So, you need to stop somewhere ? "

I blew a gasket, " Hey look ! We're suppose to be in Atlanta by now ! We haven't even gotten out of Dallas ! Now, maybe you don't need this job, but I do, and I'm not screwing it up ! "

Vic lied, " I called PST and they rescheduled our delivery time. We're doing fine and your ..."

I'd had it, " Tell you what ! Just go ahead and drive me back to the yard. I've been out with a trainer for almost a month and he couldn't stay out of the casinos. Now, I'm not putting up with this crap ! I'm out here to make a buck ! So, just drop me off ! "

Vic grinned, " We can't go back there ! Ed will fire both of us ! You know that, so let's just make the best of it. "

I grabbed the ignition key, " You get in the sleeper ! I'm driving to Atlanta and you can tag along, or I'll drop you off. Just stay out of my way ! "

Vic slithered back into the sleeper and shut the curtains. I made a quick stop at the local Pilot and bought some go juice. I did quick pretrip and headed into the wind. Was I mad ? Your #### right I was ! Now, I'd been around folks that abused drugs and knew that Vic was one of them. I mean, there wasn't any point in getting too angry. I'm sure Vic never meant me any harm, or realized what a bad situation he'd put us in. You know, folks get all caught up in their vices and just don't use common sense. Vic was young and I'm sure he wasn't ready to handle responsibility. But hey ! Why get him fired ? I mean, I was willing to work with him. Yep, we'll see if I made the right decision, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

don't think you made the right decision. Man it just never quits for ole' Snazzy!