Where is everyone #5

I've been through a few boughts of depression. I've thought of suicide once or twice but I could never do it. I could never put my friends or family through that. I'd rather be depressed than to hurt the ones close to me like that.

 

Soooo....your gonna start howling at the moon in Spanish? ??

 

There has been a lot of talk on here recently after @blairandgretchen posted about that incident. As @TripleSix and others have said, we all have battled demons in the past or currently battle demons. I've recently been there myself as much as I hate to admit it. Was living the picture perfect life, beautiful home with the dream man-cave/shop, beautiful significant other, fantastic job, trips to exotic places, flying around regularly in a private helicopter. Basically a storybook life so you ask, how the "F" could you be battling depression demons and contemplating ending it all. No "real" health issues, certainly no financial issues, no job issues. Notice anything missing??

For almost 6 months there wasn't a day that didn't pass I wasn't considering the taking of my own life. Yes, hard to admit but hopefully by airing out my situation on here I may pass along some strength to someone else here, active poster or otherwise that thinks they are the only one fighting this battle.

I took a couple days off work without telling my significant other and left each morning "going to work" and just went for a ride up in the mountains to one of my favorite spots near the top of Mount Baker. On the second day I found myself sitting there with a gun in my lap feeling sorry for the person that would find me. Not feeling sorry for the children, mother, father, brother, sister, friends, or anyone else close to me that I would be leaving behind, just the person that would find me. I called my employer provided employee assistance number and spent 4 1/2 hours on the phone with them. They tried 100+ times to get me to tell them where I was at, which I refused but in the end they helped me to open my eyes to where my problem was. Remember what's missing above, my significant other. I still love her deeply and there isn't a waking minute that goes by I don't miss her. However "we" did not work well together. I was asked if I say "I'm sorry" often? I thought about it and yes, many MANY times a day.

I'm not going to go into deep details of the following counseling sessions which I still do once a week and my former employer is continuing to cover the cost of for another year. However I am going to say that no matter how perfect someone's life seems or how messed up it appears, there is more to the story than any of us see. I've since met homeless people with absolutely nothing that are in such a good place within themselves and also understand how somebody who appeared to have the world by the horns, Anthony Bourdain, could hang themselves in a motel room. Since I've made the huge changes in my life I've not had that thought in my mind once.

Do I feel sorry for the person who does do this, yes because I've been the person thinking about doing this. Yes, they leave a bunch of other people in pain when they make this decision but having been there making that decision, they have pain to such an extent they do not have the ability to rationalize what they're getting ready to do. It's a horrible place to be in, I've visited that place and I hope I never take that trip again.

 

Zoooom!

 

Yes, in OK and AR because it's almost all 2 lanes. Then 3 plus two troopers in MS. TN will be 1 front and 1 rear plus a spotter running a 1/2 hour ahead because TN likes to do unannounced/unplanned construction and block off 1/2 of the road. When you stop traffic on I-40 for an hour while they clear a snooper off a bridge you get a few thousand people really p&&&&&d off at you. Then in GA it's a night move from Chattanooga to Savannah with 2 pilots and 2 state police escorts.

 

No, they won't, been this way for years.

 

I dont like it anytime. Especially while pooping. But Im not asking "Baby its cold outside" to be taken of the air. Fricken snowflakes and no sense of humor.