I'm not really sure

I don't know if I'm in the wrong or should I be I feel like an a55hole but at the same time I can look at everyone in the face and just say oh well no big deal, deal with it I'm happy and yes if I'm selfish at least I'm happy.

So here's the deal I don't know if I should be posting this thread or what but basically I just got my 30,000 miles I'm switching from OTR to technically local Stockton to La, La to Stockton so on and so forth, I'm home right now in Stockton and I don't like it. "Saigon ####" my folks, my wife and my 2 month newborn. I feel as if I have no connection anyone and to me I don't mind that one bit I'm content I'm happy as can be on the road happier than I ever thought I'd ever be. They know how much I love to be on the road and I express it every time im home. Before you ask why did I get married and have a child that technically wasn't the plan to begin with. But to me after thinking I realized based on my way of thinking and seeing the world my wife and child are just a spouse and an offspring for me it was more of a securement of legacy of passing on genetics. One thing though is I do have my dog with me on the road and I love that dog with all my life is my best friend he is my companion and I talk for hours while on the road if he's not asleep in the bunk I have more of a connection with him than I do with everyone else. It does go to show you that no matter what a dog's loyalty never waivers.

 

So he's a very lazy dog because I've had him since he was born(I helped birth him) he was part of the second litter and he took on my personality he took on everything about me his demeanor calmness friendly to everyone and lazy which is what I love so don't come at me saying that it's selfish and everything look we have four at home and he's my favorite and the other dog's know it. Also my wife and baby are at home with my family my parents and my two brothers she is all the help she could ever want.

 

I stopped giving into my demons over a year and a half ago that's when I quit doing everything that I was doing a little bit before I'm at my wife I was doing an 8-ball a day partying Non-Stop quit all that cold turkey. Everything I've done from that point forward has been because I took control and wanted to make my life better. And I have. But I chose to run it my way and that being find something that I love to do be proud of it enjoy it. My wife wasn't supposed to get pregnant that's the thing one of those miracle baby situations. Like I'm okay and happy with the idea of just supporting contributing what I can I don't feel a part of anything anymore I feel more important doing what I do on the road.

 

That's the thing your eyes of everyone it's selfish but to me it's not I don't feel that connection to selfishness like I get what you're saying and everything. I come on here to ask not because deep down I know I'm wrong because to my core to everything to my being I am in the right and righteous. Ever since I can remember I had to practice my feelings I had to practice my emotional responses in the mirror I practice everything human connection, loss, everything most things that should come natural just don't click because it's just unnecessary. Look I'm not at home with my wife kid Brothers Mom Dad dogs do I want to be here not really no it's nice but I could be on the road right now. I see my son laying there cooing, and feel nothing smile but nothing. I see my wife she looks pretty, tired, but we can't really do anything though like go out, I say just dump the baby on my parents they're grateful to have their grandbaby around.

There's a great philosopher named a diagenes the cynic. His philosophy was live as you want how you want cause just be happy and it doesn't matter how that's achieved as long as you bring no harm unto others. One day Alexander the Great came to him asked him if I could give you anything being the emperor what would that be? And diagines responded I want you to get out of my sun. He then told diagenes that if he could have anything he would want to be diagenes. He was happy and content with how he lived in a barrel, his friends were 30 stray dogs, he roamed around naked and sh1t in the street. But he was happy and content. Now that's how I strive to be as happy as diogenes did not take crap off of anyone even the emperor and so should everyone else.