Am I a bad driver? or just bad decision maker?

This last year has been the absolute worst of my career and probably my life. I really need some advice on what I'm doing wrong, maybe some direction towards a company to work for, or if I should just give it up.



I started driving trucks in 2005 and things were great. In feb of 2009 I lost my job because I was "taking too much home time." My wife was pregnant and stressing about me being gone so long, so I was taking more home time than usual. Well, the money I had saved up and some help from the in-laws kept us going while I decided if I was going to go back to school. Our son was born on May 24th and the stress really set in (short naps between feedings/changings). Well I had everything setup to go to school, was going to go for an ASN (Nursing) and all seemed to be going well. Had a school picked out and we were falling into a routine and then something bad happened. We found out our son had SIDS and everything changed. We did everything we could do to monitor him and on the 3rd time he set the apnea monitor off, there was nothing we could do. This was July 14th. At this point the in-laws were so devastated that they blamed us for his death. My parents were a little more understanding, though very upset that it happened, as we were as well. The only thing I felt I could do was get back in a truck, deal with the loss and do the best to support my wife through all of this. It seems since we lost him, either I've become that bad of a driver, or that bad of a decision maker, or maybe I'm just getting a really tough run of bad luck.


I went to work for Marten (out of Mondovi) and things were horrible. From the very first load I got my truck broke down once per week. I was making more money from breakdown pay than I was from the miles I was running (In a month and a half I made 4,000 miles, avg paycheck was $150 a week). This just didn't cut it. I gave notice when they told me they wouldn't give me a different truck and when I turned my truck in, things went from bad to worse. With the length of unemployment I had noone was willing to look at me. Except C R England. They even said they could train my wife to get her CDL and we could run team. Boy was that a lie. In fact, there were a lot more to follow. I was there 2 months, and this time, the one time my truck actually screwed up (wouldn't idle at all longer than 3 mins) they actually messed the truck up, said they'd fix it, and when they didn't fix it, told me "oh well, you need to get to our SLC terminal to get it fixed." Well, that took 2 weeks to do (from Burns Harbor, IN) considering the truck broke down twice on the way there, and it took Freightliner 4-6 days each time to fix it (one time was in scottsbluff, NE will always be my fav FL dealership). After 12 days in SLC the truck was fixed, and I was in the hole so bad that they actually suggested I find another company to drive for.



So, next stop, Knight Refrigerated. Out of orientation I got a brand new truck (25 miles on it) and took off. I ran pretty good for 2 months, and then there was this emergency load they needed picked up out of AR that went to NY. Problem was, I had 3 hours left on my 70 (elog). I picked up a few hours each night for 4 nights, but it just wasn't enough to deliver the load. I explained that to my dispatcher, that I could pick it up and move it some each day, but I wasn't going to be able to get it there. On that last day, night before delivery. I stop at the pilot with 45 mins left on my 70 and shut down. Told him that I only picked up 2 hours at midnight and I was still 4-5 hours out. He said he'd see what he could do, and a couple hours later I get a message from safety on my qualcomm that told me I now had the hours to complete the run. I pulled my last 7 days and holy crap if they didn't turn all of my pre-trips for the last week, and some on-duty time during an inspection to offduty, just to free up time on my logs so I could make the delivery. This didn't fly well with me at all. In fact I called the FMCSA and told them about it. They were approved logs that I couldn't go and fix.




Well 2 weeks notice later I left them for what looked like a great company. Everyone I talked to said it was awesome. O&S Trucking. I spent 4 broke months with them, not making a dime. All because of the shop and (yet again) more breakdown trouble. Only they "insisted" that I let their shop fix my truck. 5 times I visited their shop, out of 8 things that needed fixing, 1 got fixed. Finally I put my foot down, said screw the "company issued" warranty and took it to freightliner where everything got fixed in apx 9 hours (instead of the 4-5 days per instance at their shop). The final straw was they decided I was driving too old of a truck and (within their contract) moved me out of that truck and told me to pick out a "newer" truck, that my truck was too old (650k miles) and looking to get some major breakdown problems. Well, I told them I finally got that truck where I wanted it, that I did NOT want out of it, and they forced me out anyway. So I picked out a "newer" truck and warned them that I was probably going to have truck problems and well....I did. Day 1 in that truck a break drum locked up, had to have it replaced. Then a major airleak (holding break lost about 90psi in 60 seconds), at this point I was done. Every time I could run, I would make up for my negative balance in 1 week. Only to have something else go wrong with the truck and put me back in the hole. I guess I gave up. I talked to my mom, she said come home, take your time and decide what you want to do. So I did just that. Got a rental car, packed the truck up and went home (turned truck in to the terminal).




I have a clear criminal history, clear driving record, but what's stomping me in the dirt right now, is the last 12 months. What do I do? Do I keep on trying to truck, whether it be company driver or IC? I just don't know what to do anymore. This work history is haunting me now. I'm having troubles finding a company interested in me driving for them, and one that I think is a decent company. I am going to be driving trucks until I can't drive anymore. Hopefully I've found a company by then that I can retire from and live out my old fart days decently. I want to own my own truck, I love the road. I just don't know if God is telling me not to drive anymore, or if I'm just being tested. Maybe it's actually my fault and I'm doing something wrong. I'd like to hear what people have to say, get an outside perspective on things and maybe figure out what I should do. I want a 'real' professional company. With good drivers so there's some comradre involved.




Anywho, thanks to all who view and comment. Hope you all have a blessed day.


Rooster


*EDIT* Sorry about that, hit submit and didn't realise just how big it was. Edited it down some

 

Edited. Sorry had a phone call right when I finished that up

My appologies for the huge wall of text