An apology from someone who misses the road....

I was kind of at a loss as to where to put this thread. The feedback of the old schoolers is probably the most important to me, and even though I've been out of the seat for a year now, I still consider myself old school trucker as well.

It's taken me the better part of a year to come out with this story on Truckers Report. I've read all the similar threads here with regard to it, and there has been occasional words of encouragement, but mostly, what I've seen is a good amount of bashing.

Without delving too deep into why - I pissed dirty last November. I'm not going to blame some disgruntled ex-girlfriend for lacing my brownies, or [insert excuse here]. I rolled the dice and I lost, and I blame myself. I smoked regularly when I was young, quit in my latter 20's while raising my kids for well over 20 years. I've mentioned it in previous posts here - if you look at the drug test thread in Questions from the General Public thread, you'll see where I stood on it. At this point, I really don't understand what made me stop caring enough to let my guard down. Face it, many of us are around people who smoke weed, even the show, "Mike and Molly" has a cop dating a girl who's sister is the biggest stoner around. And everybody shrugs and thinks it's funny.

I was and still am one of those people who really believe that the marijuana laws are absurd as they stand, even though I no longer smoke it. I feel that there isn't much difference between an occasional off duty (repeat, off duty, away from the truck, etc...) doobie, or a cold beer or two.

For the few of you who will instantly say, "But alcohol is legal....." - I'll agree, hands down. It is, as long as you're 21 and not behind the wheel of anything. But please remember that if you want to ride that horse, bear in mind that breaking HOS rules, the speed limit, bypassing emissions, cheating on your taxes, all fall under the same umbrella. Different penalties, same concept. This has been debated here over and over again. I have read every thread with regard to drug testing on TR, and I've refrained from a majority of the discussions for a reason. It's a matter of perception and personal conviction.

And I also realize that they could legalize it tomorrow, sell it in 7/11 and it wouldn't make a hoot of difference in the FMCSA rules. Why? Because there is no way they are going to re-tool a multi-billion industry to prove that someone is not, "Under the influence" while driving. Nope, you have THC in your system from 26 days ago from your hooker and hash bar vaca in Amsterdam, you might as well stuff 2 doobies in each nostril and light them while rolling down the window, because that is how you are going to be perceived.

"License please......."

"Ain't it back there on the bumper, Man?"

*****

I had 31+ years of pretty #### respectable driving - dry freight, reefers, flats, lowboys, dry bulk, oversize, twin 48's in NY, I know NYC like the back of my hand, etc.... I drove 'em like I owned 'em, because back in my younger days, I actually did pay for my own repairs. I never damaged freight, tore up equipment or anything like that. My handle here was well earned - my transmission drain plug magnets were pretty darn clean. Amazing at how it can all go (to quote Cheech and Chong) - "Up in Smoke....."

I lost my professional reputation, voluntary repo'd my 06' Mustang GT, fell behind on my child support and have looked at a near empty refrigerator for quite some time now. I had to declare bankruptcy, and apply for food stamps for the first time in my life. And I didn't like it, even though I tried to reason that I have paid into the system for many, many years.

I spent the majority of this year in car sales for a Ford dealership. If you think your job sucks, try that for a change of pace. My problem is that I'm a pretty straight up guy. I can't sit down with someone and take advantage of them for my own personal profit. Some guys make $60 -100K a year, and it is what lured me into the business to begin with. Little did I realize that they prey on old people, or spin so much BS that poor, unsuspecting folks who work hard for their money pay too much for a car, or too much in financing.

So, I never made a lot of money doing it, and therefore after 11 months of working pretty hard and honest, I got the ax a few days ago. I was well liked by all my co-workers, showed up on time, and took phenomenal care of my customers, but it's a numbers game. Don't sell enough, or pull enough gross profit?? Hit the road.....we'll find a more effective liar than you.

Did I learn some lesson about life doing it? Sure did. Talk to me before you go car shopping.

Now, I suppose that a few of you are wondering why I didn't go and complete a SAP assessment and just get on with it. Well, first of all, I was under the initial impression that I could wait it out 3 years and return to driving. There's some gray areas in the wording between the law and the background check. You can only ask a previous employer if they have failed a drug test in the last 3 years, but as far as the FMCSA, you cannot drive until you complete the return to duty process.

Ever.

There is so much mis-information on the internet that it will give you a migraine. And one of the things I intend to do is clear that up, by writing a few clear and concise articles about the system from someone who is about to go through it. SAP counselors tell you that you are highly hire-able - I have yet to see that in effect.

I have read more negative comments from the people who did it and then couldn't find work, in lieu of success stories. It doesn't seem to matter whether you actually tested positive, missed the clinic, couldn't pee or whatever. The way the system is set up with the "zero tolerance" insurance mentality, no one will touch you. This is why people lie on their application and job hop. Which I believe 100% in my heart ... is wrong.

The Federal database isn't in place yet. I've read about that in great detail too. Yes, there are a handful of states who suspend your CDL with a positive result, but I don't live in one of them. They even did a study about the system, where they circumvented the testing process and used adulterated samples, fake ID's and the like. Then they looked at people who failed a drug test and passed one 30 days later. I have a nagging suspicion if they were to pick back through the records, find every driver who has failed, not completed the return to duty process, and is now driving ... I would have to guess the the job hoppers would outnumber the people who take the correct course of action. And that's sad.

I could pass a piss test and a hair follicle test today as I type this. I ran my DAC report twice, once in January and once just a few weeks ago. It says nothing. I hold a clean Class A, no accidents, no criminal history, no DUI's/DWI's etc.

I could lie and probably have a job tomorrow, but I would carry the guilt of "selling my soul" around for a long time. I only had the job for 2 months, so, in essence, I could get away with omitting it, but I won't. Prior stint was 11 years. I even had a friend of a friend offer to use me as a reference for the last year or so of driving saying I drove his dump trucks, and I declined. .

Like I just mentioned in a previous thread about the guy selling fuel out from under his boss, there are plenty of people who are working, but lack credibility.

Why am I posting this here? Because I consider this my confessional. I log into Truckers Report everyday, read your stories and deep down inside I miss doing what I did very well. I want to get back into the industry and have a little bit of a comeback story. I know it's not Hollywood or Pro Sports where everybody gets patted on the back after tripping up.

For the record, I'm sorry that I contributed to being a statistic that shone a bad light on the industry.

I just want to do the right thing. I'm starting here. I'll add to this thread as my story progresses.

Thanks for reading...