Nolle Contendere

The great glaciers of the last ice age having retreated to the extremities of the North American continent, I was at that time in the salad years of my truck driving career. It was truly a wonderful time. In fact, science was in something of a second mini renaissance. Among the things that biologists had discovered was the fact that feeding exclusively on a diet of a certain type of infant seagull, those gregarious cetaceans of the genus Phocoena (For the benefit of those individuals who are quite properly concerned with making a living in this sometimes insane world of trucking and who don't really give a #### about the latin words for genus and species, I'm referring to dolphins or porpoises.) could live on virtually forever. Yes, it was true! Preliminary testing and investigation indicated that these dolphins had very long, if not interminable, life spans when fed these particular infant seagulls. There was, however, a problem. Isn't there always? It seemed as though that particular variety of seagull was found only near the coasts of Maine, Prince Edward Island, Nova Scotia and Labrador whereas the particular type of dolphin was found only in the Pacific off the coast of Southern California.

That's where I got involved. At the behest of the scientists workng out of Marineland of the Pacific, a company in Portland, Me. had managed to capture what would constitute a full truckload of these seagulls. They had even specially altered, modified and equipped a trailer complete with automatic feeders to transport the seagulls from Maine to Marineland of the Pacific. Thus I was off pulling this rolling aviary with instructions to deliver them ASAP.

All went well until I came to the City of Little Rock, Ar. There, I40 was closed to all traffic for reasons which I do not know to this very day. I was forced to detour right through downtown Little Rock. Just as I was passing the state capital, an unattended perambulater (baby carriage) came rolling out into the street right in front of me. My reaction was reflexive. Without actually thinking about it, I knew that there was a good chance I couldn't stop in time to avoid running over the baby carriage. I couldn't go into the oncoming lane because of traffic. The only remaining choice to avoid disaster that I had was to swerve to the right. So, up I went over the curb onto the beautiful stone paved area in front of the capital. I dodged pedestrians. I slipped between two benches upon which several older gentlemen were seated. On I went and crossed over the great seal of the State of Arkansas which was ten feet in diameter and carved in marble in the ground. On either side of the seal were carved two lions that looked to be supporting that seal. Needless to say, I was glad that all this artwork was flat on the ground rather than standing. Moving then to the left somewhat more slowly I made my way safely back onto the street and stopped.

It was a moment for emotional catharsis. It was a time for those damnable seagulls to be making all kinds of racket. Actually, if felt pretty good that nobody was hurt and the seagulls were safe. Then I noticed I was surrounded by state troopers with drawn weapons. I was ordered to get down out of the truck. Then I was arrested.

In less than an hour I was standing in front of a judge. When the charges were explained to me, I knew they had me cold. I pleaded Nolle Contendere, No contest, and was fined twenty dollars and an additional eighteen dollars for court costs.

Oh yes----I'll just bet you want to know what those charges were. I was charged with and convicted of "Transporting young gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises."

 

To be sure, it's a shaggy dog story. Since you went to an online quasi academic source to define same, I would take this opportunity to point out a few things. As usual, the wikipedi-ites don't quite have it right in my case. You can hardly call a 6 paragraph tale with one paragraph of 3 lines and 2 paragraphs of 2 lines and 1 paragraph consisting of only 1 line a long-winded tale. The only irrelevancy was contained in the opening few sentences. The rest of it was quite relevant to that very absurd but in no way pointless pun on the Mann Act which is referred to as a punch line. I guess you're just a little po'd because you spent the time getting to that absurd pun of a punch line. As for me, I just wanted to make a few people smile in this desert of whining and often misinformation.

 

Well, it's always worth a reply to the voice of experience. Although we're very close to the same age, your experience on the road far exceeds mine. In any case, I'm glad you're not mad at me. That was never my intention nor will it ever be.