Trucking can be like a bad marriage...

It's Friday, there's electricity in the air...everyones happy, I'm pumped up...but there's no one to share it with...

I just left a office setting, that had both male and female employees...they were listening to music, they were all feeding off of each others energy and having a good time...

And then I left, and walked back to my lonely truck...what a contrast...

Fridays use to be fun for me, when I was younger and worked around a mixed bag of people...young and silly and flirty people...we would all joke around, wrestle, play, whatever...make each other laugh...and then hang out later in the evening...

In trucking, your cut off from all of that...

Note: Not always though...6 years ago and back...the party was indeed out here on the road...at the truck stops...and those who say it wasn't...it's because they were 'squares'....even I can remember when it was wild out here...and every night felt like a Friday night at the truck stops...I never participated in the activities (cause I was to goodie tushoos)...but it was fun just being around it...watching others get into stuff...
And that's partly why my love affair has ended with trucking...cause it's just not fun out here anymore...it has changed radically...all the long hairs are gone...the renegades...the party women...all that's gone....thanks to idle air and which to has become a victim of technology....)

People feed off each other...like a football team before a game...there's no one to feed off of out here...
Not unless you like talking about tractor parts...nuts and bolts stuff...



Some guys can talk for hours on end about nuts and bolts and this engine and that engine...I get dizzy listening to it...

Sometimes I just want to talk about legs, butts and feet...(some women have very pretty feet to me)...Like today I told a lady in the pilot she had nice feet...and she smiled...

that's about as much flirting as I get to do out here...complimenting a stranger now and then...

I peek during the day...and by the time I roll back to where I live, it's dark, and I'm exhausted, and don't feel like doing anything...

It would be nice to peek in energy, every day, while working around attractive people...how fun would that be??

Instead I peek while parked next to heavy hairy men with beards...:smt089:smt089

And they look back at me like they secretly want me over for dinner...:smt089:smt089

Oh gosh this enviornments driving me crazy...

I just need to save up a few thousand more dollors...

I cannot and will not allow what's left of my semi-youth, to slip away in this enviornment...no...

Anyways...all hyped up...for nothing...

(get this...there's a guy working at the blue beacon who's driving a brand new dodge charger....ok, what is this man...truck wash attendents that drive nice new cars...and truckers who can't even afford to buy a $20.00 cb radio at a truck stop channel 19 auction...)

What am I doing wrong? No brand new car, no one special to flirt with, out here alone...Oh, what is to become of me...later...

 

Wow...a lady gave me their number....

It's the one I mentioned on here last week...she gave me her number as I left work...hmm...

And she touched my hand...or shook it or something....

I think she 'gets' me...she said 'Your so cute'...

Who me????

Now what do I do?

Call?


But she told me last week she had a boyfriend of 3 years...and I said last week I'm not into prying women away from their lovers or boyfriends...that's just not my style...

Even if we're 'just friends'...that's a slippery slope...

But their not married...so I guess in a way that means she's single...I mean if a guys not committed enough to marry a gal, then why waste her time??

I don't know...we both got issues...me and this lady...and maybe that's why we feel each other...

And now all the other women there are jelious...you know how it is...they all ignore you until you show interest in one...then suddenly you become 'special' to them...

I've avoided women for years, but now find myself being drawn back to them, some...but only ones with special perceptive hearts...

That's hard to find...I'm not into shallowness...I'd rather be alone than have my heart shattered....

And I need a women who won't cheat and one who can actually hold a decent conversation...

It really turns me off when a women can't keep up with me intellectually...

Life is full of wierd curves...



I had a 'God' moment on the drive back...



I basically realized God is in no one....cause if he was...as much love that God showed while on earth...if God was inside of people...people would reach out to you more....

So regardless of what people say...God is not inside of them...

Their own human, self serving, enviornment learned culture comes before God...

Their god is their culture, and what they learned growing up...if they grew up in China...their god would be China...

If indeed God exist...he sure doesn't exist inside the hearts of men...

Then some like U4EA...just seem to have special insight on their own...independent of God...

But yet a full blown Christian, who's suppose to reflect Gods grace, is full of more self serving culturly influenced bias, than someone who doesn't even go to church...

And then they justify their bias with the bible...

And do nothing to promote the love of God...unless you genetically reflect them, or come from the same neck of the woods...

This goes for all peoples...

Everyone is so genetically self serving...

Then some are like 'ghosts' who just seem to walk through all of it...and are not bound by culture time or space....

Anyways...just got in...kinda cold out...long frustrating drive home...
But now that I'm here...will have a few, and relax...or get riled up...one or the other...

 

U4EA...

Wow...I don't even know where to begin...all I can say is I 'concure'...

Like you, I haven't always been a driver...and a part of me, my past, hails from academia...

And as such...it is driven in you to always 'think', ponder, wonder about things...and then your begin to realize and see that very few things are 100% absolute...

I thought I was absolute 10 years ago, and I have evolved so much an various ways...

Evolution and growth, is what I cherish...evolution of the mind...(not the Darwin thing...)(seperate topic)...

Almost like being crew members aboard the Star Ship Enterprise...



People like me and you like to explore...to seek, to go where no man has gone before...and as such, it often requires you to probe or go places within yourself (ourselves) that might make us uncomfortable at times...

And is often why we grow 'bored' with our current enviornment if things aren't moving alone hurridly enough...meaning we like to learn, conquer take notes and move on...

And when we, or at least I, get to a point in my life where I can no longer do that...well...it can produce a variety of outcomes...

That energy will find one way or another to come out, if not through a mundane job...than it will come out somewhere else...

It will come out through ones mind in the form of words, or it will come out through physical art...or both...or body art...or crazy photos...but either way it will come out...

I use to take pilot lessons long ago...



I use to have such a passion for aviation...but the trucking lifestyle seperated me from that...and now that enthusiasm has greatly waned...

The trucking lifestyle seperated me from a lot of things, when I had the energy and passion to do it...

Like you, I have a varied past...people would be shocked...but most don't care to know...it's easier for them to just typecast you as being some 'freak'...some guy who only drives trucks and knows nothing...

People are really intellectually lazy when you think about it...intellectually lazy and dishonest...

If you don't fit their idea of what A B or C should be, then they just totally dismiss you...and by doing so miss out on countless treasures...

And then turn around and claim to believe in God...ye right...

God is big, if indeed God exists (and I believe he does)...than the scope of his majesty and reach goes far beyond anyones culture age style or comfort zone...

But people will take a magnifiscant large God...and shrink him to the size of their own reasoning ability...and as such, the God in them becomes very ineffective...useless...

It's not about staying in your comfort zone...it's about reaching out, exploring and learning about others...and not 'demonizing' other people just cause they don't 'look like you' or 'talk different' or have a different style...

That is definatly not God...rather that's 'self' being reflected...and self is small, very small...

Anyways U4EA...glad ya chimed in again...and I'm glad you understand my style, and how I work out issues through writing in sometimes colorful metaphorical ways...

 

Thanksgiving season is upon us...



Ahh...the smell of fall...the cold crisp cool mornings...

Out with October, in with November...
Cooler air has finally decended onto the SE...

My mind has been 'reset'...all of the tensions and worries of last week are gone...flushed out...
And that's what home times suppose to do for you...reset your mind...so you can start over....
When your at home and sitting still, funny how everything just fades away...my heart slows, my moods level out...life becomes good and quiet again...
But as soon as I jump back into that truck, later today...all that will change...
But why worry about that now...

I'm stuck in this cycle, until I can save up enough funds to get out of it...

Funny how a lot of spouses in marriages calculate it the same way...they continue to put of with their hairy spouse slobbering all over them, all the while secretly planning their escape...saving here, saving there...

All I really want is control of my life and scheduale...that must be reflected in the next job or move I make...

So that will either mean getting own truck, and driving for a broker/freight company that gives me 100% say in when I work and where I go...(I found just such a company)...(But I need my own truck first..)...

Or it will mean buying a Van...and starting my own airport shuttle service...



Where I live, there's a airport, bus station and train station...and always people waiting for a ride...why not capitolize on that...

I would enjoy a job like this...expecially If I'm the one incharge and calling the shots...
I love interacting with people during the day...I talk as much as I write...
I would charge a flat fee, based on length of trip...It would start at $20...and go up in $10 dollar incriments depending on destination...

So for me it's either get a semi truck, or start a shuttle business...I think the shuttle business would be more fun and fulfilling at this stage of my life...

I just want something that's mine, before I go away and die...
I know I'll never be a Bill Gates or anything...but I just want to know that while i was alive...I was able to start my own little business...even if I'm poor while doing it, I don't care...the fact that it was my poor business, would make me smile...

In the trucking enviornment...your often made to feel 'small'...and 'dumb'...by those who control your day...your basically thought of as a person with a GED certificate...your whole life..



Even other drivers generally treat you like your 'dumb'...

And the older you get, the more you find yourself being managed and controled by people who are younger than you, and who have far less lifes experience, yet are in office jobs dictating your every move...

After a while it can get down right humiliating to have a 19 year old in a position, that if you applied for...they would tell you...'Oh, your not qualified'...but they were, cause, they were willing to sleep with someone...

(we will discuss this in detail later...how older people start getting shoved out of the job market)...

So to alleviate all of that...I just want to have something that is my own...live or die by my own sweat...know that I am the boss and executive of my own company...

I'm just not into this applying for a job stuff anymore, and begging for someone else to see value in you...it's almost like pimping yourself..



Oh please please please, won't you hire me??
I'll dance for ya, I'll sing, I'll do whatever you want...
Just please hire me...just ask, and I'll do...
But don't leave me out here in this cold economic enviornment...
Just take me in, please baby...

And that's basically what you have to become to get hired now days...you have to 'pimp' yourself...and it can be humiliating trying to get someone else to see value in 'you'...

People see value in who they want to see value in...sometimes it's sexually driven, sometimes it's racially driven, religiously driven, or intellectually driven, whatever...

All I know is I'm tired of begging people or companies to hire me...being examined and studyied to determine whether I'm 'fit' or not to work there...

Just to get hired on and discover half the people there are less qualified in general to do half the things you can do...

In this field, people never want to acknowledge your past...what you've done, where you've been...they just want to reduce you to rolling labour...

And that becomes very unfulfilling after a while...expecially when you feel you have a heck of a lot more to offer than just dry mundane labour...

But until that time...I will continue to serve my mate...by walking around barefoot, pregnant and dumb...until that time once again comes for me to make my escape...

Trucking indeed can be like a bad (or good) marriage...

 

I really feel I have nothing to look forward to this week...that sucks...

In the past...I can remember always having something fun and exciting to look forward to...to anticipate...there's no such thing in my life right now...again..that sucks..

I don't look forward to seeing anyone...or taking some exciting trip...nothing...I anticipate nothing I'll encounter this week, that will bring me joy...

Instead I foresee driving up and down mundane lonely roads...coughing up money on bills and a fine, given to me by a incompetent cop...

I wish I could tell you what he said to me...



But he gave me or offered me a deal I can't refuse...and I must own up this week...dm it...but in the long run, it'll be for the good...

Anyhow...where was I...

And then I have to look forward to being monitored by electronic logs now...I don't even know how to use the system...they gave me a blackberry phone...but the instruction that came with it, don't tell you how to use the phone as a log key pad...

I don't like being monitored like this...and the guy I work for might start monoriting the truck too...to see where I could save money...

That will drive me crazy...again..I'm human, not a robot...and if I'm cold, I want to be warm...I'm the one out here, not them...and the idea of people trying to tweak my driving style to save a penny here and a penny there, will drive me crazy...and I'll start to see it as an intrusion...

I really am trying to make this work..and really don't want to end up resigning before I'm financially ready too...expecially in the dead of winter...
I'm trying so hard to hang in there...my morals down, I have nothing to look forward to in the week, just mundane lonely driving...same roads, same places...


I really do feel like I'm in shackles right now...circumstancial shackles...
Locked away in a circumstancial jail cell with time running out...I'll be old and withered before long...

then for sure no one will ever want me...
I will have given my best years to dusty Sanford and Son backwood truck stops...

A soul like mine, with all my talents, mental energy and creativity...hidden away from the world, supressed and not utilized the way I should be....

Instead I'm forced to frequent bathrooms where grown people don't know how to flush the toilet...


Ok, the horrors I've seen and smelt inside of these stalls, it'll take me years to erase from my memory...

I'm doomed...plain and simple...I'm doomed...

 

Hi there guy...

People are so easy to read...you can read their personalities like DNA...their frailties....

And maybe that's how I humor myself at times...

Again...God resides in no one...cause God don't run...God is not afraid to confront, or straighten out that which needs it...

And it's not based on genetic preference...

In other words, people pretend to care about a 'blonde haired woman' (at least westerners) cause it appeals to their hormones...and equates into sexual dominance...that's no difference than a Bull in heat...

And most non thinking types, non spiritual types, operate on the same base level as a 'bull in heat'...how they respond or don't respond is totally based on hormones...and nothing else....



But then there's a slightly different class of huminoid...who tend to operate on a more thinking, rational, spiritual base...who tend to see beyond the flesh or genes, and into the rhetorical heart...

Youself being one of those...however upon which level I do not know...

You cannot recognize these induvisuals by gender, color, age, or national origin...you can only identify them by their ability and willingness to interact with everyone...without judgement or condemnation...
(people who struggle with their own identities, are the weakest, and close up first or pass judgement first, in order to protect themselves)(more on that later)

They tend to look for reasons of agreement rather than disagreement...

And they do not...I repeat do not attempt to shrink God down to the size of their own brain and limited understand of the world...(their enviornment)...

Rather they realize their but one piece of a very large enviornment.

Sometimes I look upon man as if a scientist in a lab...looking under a microscope...running different experiments...



It's usually what a hyper intelligent person does when caught or stuck in a less than intellectually stimulating enviornment...

An enviornment where the thought process is stifled...and where your routinely met with a 'Don't ask, just do' mentality....

Kinda like if Michael Jordon were forced to spend his best years as a side line water boy, or if Bill Gates, were only given a job as a best buy floor sales man.....

That kind of potential...bottled up and wasted...will produce wierd odd energy...

Anyhow...I need some rest...

Last night was hard for some reason...kept pulling over to sleep...

 

Ahh, you 'highjacked' nothing...It's nice to know I'm not alone in this Universe...

Time being limited, I won't be able to reply to all you wrote...but much of it doesn't need a reply...the diving science, your past interest in aviation...and hockey being a sport you use to enjoy...

But about baseball, I went to a exibition game earlier in the summer...or spring...and sat right behind the mound....all my life baseball players have looked larger than life to me, as seen through a tv lense...(it was the first pro/semi pro game I ever attended)...a neighbor of mine invited me)...

Anyways...as you know, baseball games are long...you really have to be into that stuff to like it....

I think after the first 15 minutes, the ooo's and the ahh's, went out of me...I was bored and ready to move on...or participate...

When you have a competitive nature...it's hard to watch others compete...your like 'Here, let me show you how it's done'....

These guys were young, and making millions...and most struck out...it seemed like such a easy lifestyle...
And in real life, they don't look 7 ft tall...many look young and highschoolish...

Below...I will post a photo I took while at the game...

One thing I'll say...I never knew how many women, females were into baseball...it was like 50/50....many were just celebraty gazing...oh, and the drinking that goes on at these games...wow...alcohol everywhere...

I guess you have to be drunk to sit there for 3-5 hours and stay enthuised...

Baseballs more fun to play than watch...I use to play it...should of stuck with it..oh well...

Anyways...let me leave this place before a amature backs into my hood...

I'll check in again later...signal allowing...gotta finish dropping this load...

Photos or photo below..of game...

Never mind...will upload later, computer acting slow...

Two other things I will hit on later..

1. Signs of burnout...

2. transitioning into other fields...and the ease or difficulties of that...

And again...thanks for being out there guy...thanks for understanding my at times 'theatrical' delivery of ideas...

And thanks for having the ability to keep it in the proper context...unlike some who are just to insecure, small and frail to get it...

But bless their hearts anyways...I guess...