Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Just as Sue's fangs found thier target on my neck, I exhaled what I thought was my last breath.

Sue recoiled, " Geez ! Barney ! What have you been eating ? That smell is killing me ! What is that ? "

I was embarrassed, " I'm sorry ! I guess it was that garlic. Wait, I have some mints, just give a minute. "

Sue didn't wait and smoked into her bat form. Yep, poof and out the window she flew. I sucked on the mints and rethought my posistion. Hmm! Let's see, if Ann were to die, but not by Sue's hand and then Sue were to bite Ann ? That'd make Ann a Vampie again. Nope that's not good ! Okay, how about this ? What if, I let Sue bite me and then I bite Ann. That'd make Ann a Vampire. Hold it, then we'll all be Vampires. Scratch that ! So, if Ann were bite Sue ? No good ! Hmm ! Well, what if ...

Ann came running up and took a seat in Maxine, " Are you alright Barney ? Has my sister Sue been back ? What's wrong ?"

I popped the top to a cold one, " Man ! This is a real brain twister ! What if we all stood in a cirlcle and all bit each other at the same time ? You know, kind of like an orgy suck fest ? Then you'd be a Vampire again, depending on where you stood, and I'd be ..."

Ann interrupted me, " It's simple Barney ! All we have to do is take care of Sue ! If she's destroyed then everything will be fine ! I'll still be human and so will you ! To be honest, my Vampire family back in Transylvania will be better off. They're not into all that social standing stuff and they're happy just hanging upside down in thier basement. It's always been Sue that wanted to climb the social ladder. She's such a snob !"

I popped another top of brew, " Well excuse me for trying to help ! I guess you got it all figured out and don't need me. I'll tell you this much ! You got some good putang, but I ain't worth going to jail for murder ! No Mam !"

Ann gave me the look, " It's not murder ! You can't kill a Vampire, they"re already dead ! You destroy them and they turn to dust ! There's not even a corpse left behind. I know ! I've seen it ! That poor drunk cousin of mine fell right ontop of a wooden tent stake. What are the odds ? Anyway, he did that ? You know, that spontaneous combustion thang ! Anyway, it's Sue or me ! You need to decide ! If you help me I'll make sure that you get all the sex you want for as long as we live ! Now it's getting late, so I need to go and do my act. I want you there to see it and we can deal with Sue later."

I kissed Ann after blowing on my hand for a garlic odor test. She wiggled towards the big tent. I popped another top and decided to take a quick shower. I still stunk like bat dong and needed a clear mind. What a deal.

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

I was in the shower and half looped when the bat flew in. I had my trusty ice chest filled with cold beer and garlic.

I spoke first, " Listen to me Sue ! Ann doesn't want die and come back as a Vampire. She's been there and done that ! So, why don't you just flap home and give up. She's happy and not bothering anyone. You seem nice enough, so why rock the boat? Let's just leave things like they are."

Sue appeared from the smoke. " Barney ! Your just a weak ignorant human !
I'm the ruler of all and my powers can't be defeated !"

I laughed, " Hah ! You can't even stand up to garlic breath ! Hell, let me run some water here ! Yep ! You can't even cross running water ! How about some Holly Water ? I know, a little daylight or how about a cross ? Let's not forget the ole wooden stake trick ! Yep ! You got more weaknesses that a new born kitten ! "

Sue knew I'd done my homework, " Okay ! So, I'm not perfect, but I got a good deal for you. In return for killing my sister Ann, I'll give you eternal life ! Yep and that's not all ! Me and my twin sister will satisfy your every sexual desire untill the end of time ! You also will become one of the undead and just think of the freedom ! Yep you can turn into and fly just like a bat ! All the blood you can suck and wait untill you see our castle in Transylvania. As an added bonus, if you act now, I'll include this genuine Dracula ring ! It's a priceless heirloom with powers beyond your wildest dreams. I'll also throw in this one time offer of a night with Cher ! Yes ! She is one of us ! Now I know your asking, how can she do this ? Well, they don't call me easy trading Sue for nothing ! I stackem deep and sell them cheap ! So, how about it !"

I weighed my options, " Let's see, become a Vampire ? Well, it does sound good, but I'm not sure. You know, there's some draw backs. Like having to avoid the sunlight, folks trying drive stakes thru your heart, blood is your only meal, your can't go swimming, those castles are always dank and cold, in the middle of no where, I imagine the sex gets old after 300 years. Nope, but hey ! Tell you what, I'll slap ole Ann around a little bit for that ring and some nude photos of Cher ! "

Sue blew up, " That's it ! I'm done fooling with you ! I'll just take care of Ann myself and no thanks to you ! When you see me again, it'll be the last thing you ever see ! "

I took a big bite of Garlic, " Sorry you fell that way ! Come back to visit ! No hard feelings and see you around ! "

Sue flapped away and I finished showering. I got dressed and made my way to the big top. Ann was about to fishish her act. She was a hundred feet high and had that trapeze wound out at top speed. The crowd was silent except for some gasp and an ocasional Eeeekkk ! I took a swig as Ann began her tripple summer sault. The crowd was on thier feet and my heart raced like a derby horse at the finish line. That's when the bat flew out of no where and nosed the trapeze a few inches back. Ann had that panicked look like a bug gets just before impacting a windshield. If she'd only been bucked tooth, she'd of made. Yep, like a sexy ton of bricks and a clip from the roadrunner cartoons. SMASH ! A dusty cloud rose and then slowly thined out revealing a huge crater. Mr Con who was also the ringmaster ran over, as well as half of the carnies. I elbowed my way closer, carefull not to spill my beer. Yep, ole Ann was splattered like a dropped melon from the Empire State building. The band struck up ' Down in Valley, the Valley so deep.'

I"ll never forget those blue eyes, one blew left and blew one right. It was a gruesome sight and my heart ached. I was barely able to pop another top. Mr Con had the roustabouts dig Ann out, as the crowd slowly exited with some claiming it was the best show in Earth ! So, I staggered back to Maxine and popped another one.

I raised my can, " Here's to you Ann ! The second best sex I ever had, but dang close to Sexy Thang ! Dang close ! "

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

I was feeling pretty buzzed and listening to Maxine's tape deck when I spotted Sue limping my way. She had on that Elvira nighty as usual and looked a little worn out. She climbed up the passenger steps and took a seat.

I took another swig, " Well now you did it ! I hope your happy ! I liked your sister Ann and she liked me. We made a good a team and she was alot of fun to be around. Not to mention the sex we had ! "

Sue brushed the dirt off her Elvira dress, " Barney don't you notice something different about me ? "

I belched, " What ? Is your hair different ? I know that's not a new dress!"

Sue pouted, " I did this for you ! Can't you see that I'm human again ? I knew that if I was responsible for Ann's death, that I would lose my powers and not be a Vampire ever again ! Now that Ann is gone and I'm free, we can do whatever we want ! It can be just the two us and we can do as we like. It was what you said to me in the shower. You were right ! I was tired of drinking blood, avoiding the sunshine, having people wanting to run a stake thru my heart, not being able to take a bath in real water. It was all of that and even the sex was getting old ! I won't miss any of that !"

I took a gulp of cold beer, " You just killed your twin sister and act like it's just business as usual ! Doesn't that bother you ? "

Sue shed a tear, " It does now, that I have a heart. When I did it, I was cold blooded. I couldn't have any feelings and remember she wanted to destroy me ! Now that I'm human, I do feel remorse ! Can you forgive me ? That's all I want, is for us to be happy forever. Well, as long as we live. I will miss that part and maybe not being able to fly like a bat."

I grew suspicous, " How do I know that your not a Vampire anymore ! Hell, this might be a trick ! "

Sue opened her mouth wide, " Look no more Fangs ! Can't you see me in that mirror, Vampires don't give off relections ! Look no more blood on my neck or teeth marks. I can eat garlic, see I'm eating it ! Feel me, I'm warm I'm soft, I'm a lady who has womanly wants and desires. Take me Barney ! Take me in your arms ! I'm your's for the having ! We can make love like there's no tomorrow ! I'll even....

Maxine's passenger door jerked open as the wooden stake found it's mark. It was rammed thru Sue's back and came out her chest. I watched as in slow motion, as the mob of Carnies drug Sue by her heels towards the large bonfire. Mr Con opened my driver's door and had me step out.

Mr Con spoke loudly, " Barney ! Forget everything you saw here ! Ann was a Vampire ! We had our reasons to suspect her ! Tonight proved it ! No human on earth could of survived that fall. We took Ann's body and placed it in my tent. I came back and she was gone ! She wasn't human and your lucky we destroyed her before she got her fangs in you !'

I popped a top, " Nope ! You just killed an innocent woman ! She was Ann's identical sister and Ann was human. See, her name was Sue and she was a Vampire ! Well, not when you killed, but when she killed Ann. So, anyway if you'd killed Sue, before she killed Ann, but after Ann had dropped her cousin. Nope I'm getting it wrong ! Okay, you see, Sue was a Vampire and was trying to have Ann killed. You with me ? See Sue couldn't kill Ann, because a Vampire that's responsible for killing a blood relative, can't keep being a Vampire. So, Sue wanted me to kill Ann and Sue was going to bite Ann on her neck. See ! So, I wouldn't kill Ann and that made Sue mad. Now this is the tricky part, so stay with me ! Sue turned into a bat and killed Ann. Now, Ann was human when she died, so there you have it. See, once Sue killed Ann, she wasn't a Vampire anymore. So, no Vampires died or I guess I should say none were destoryed tonight. Nope, just two innocent sex starved pieces of fine grade A, number one, good ole snatch that sure went to waste. You care for a beer ?"

Con scratched his head, " So, if Ann wasn't a Vampire, how did she get up and walk out of my tent ? "

The roustabout came running up, " We found Ann's body or at least this and some bones ! "

I took one look, " That's Ann's outfit ! See those leather thingies, they outlined her suit ! Where was she ?"

The roustabout hung his head, " That dang ole Gorilla got out of her cage again. We found her tracks in Mr Con's tent and they led right back to her cage ! Yep, that old toothless Gorilla done gummed ole Ann up. At least she was dead and didn't feel anything !"

Mr Con made his decision, " Go ahead and let her finish her meal and toss that outfit in the fire over there ! No sense in making a big deal out of this ! Just a misunderstanding ! Right Barney ?"

I had to agree, " Yep ! Nobody in this world would ever believe the truth and that's for sure ! Especially now that Ann is Gorilla droppings and Sue is a pile of ashes. I'll sure miss them. Well, Mr Con if we can settle up now, I'll sleep it off and head out in the morning, if that's alright ? "

Mr Con peeled off five crisp $ 100 dollar bills, " Take this and I'll make sure your filled up before you leave in the morning. Have a good night !"

I put the money in my pocket and crawled into Maxines sleeper. I feel right off into a deep sleep and headed out the next morning with full tanks. Does it bother me now ? Well, what does it matter ? Life Goes On !

The end Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Did I just read the end on that last post of Snazzy's?

Boy, I hope not. We haven't even made it into the 1990s yet.

Usually it is let's take a break but this time it was the end.

 

Nope Joel you Snazzers won't get off that easy. I am having more puter problems, so bare with me. This next adventure is more true than false. Now, I guess some of you are wondering how I come up with this stuff ? Every Snazzy story told has some truth to it. Yep, but I admit that I do embellish some parts and add some flavor to the characters. The tricky part is for ya'll to figure out fact from fiction. That's why I refer to my stories as True Fiction. So, let your imaginations be your guide. I have always enjoyed poking fun at others and myself as well. So, I hope you enjoy them as much as I like to tell them. Now, I'll reboot and get back to Life Goes On. Thanks again, for your support and comments. Your Snazzy.

 

I managed to get a new trailer to pull back to Dallas, Tx, I was still in the South East and was happy to be headed back towards Sexy Thang. We'd talk on the phone as least every other day. I did miss her and at times, since being away a month at a time, I'd get home sick. For you new drivers that's part of being a long haul trucker. Even for the old hands at times it eats at you. It's hard to be a thousand miles from home and see normal folks headed home in rush hour traffic. They have loved ones at home and a family meal to sit down to. You have another hundred miles to roll and are just hoping to find a parking spot. What a deal ! So, I was I40 and West bound. The weather was miserable with heavy winds mixed with rain. My eyes burned from thier constant searching down the highway and following the white stripes. It was after midnight and the best I could do was a pickle park with one spot left to swing into. I pulled the button, psshhht ! Love that sound. I managed to sashay into the restroom and take care of business. I was so tired that as soon as my head hit the pillow the sleepman took me away. Maxine's sleeper was like a mother's womb to me and I felt safe from the outside world.

After a good nights sleep, I awoke feeling a bit run down. Yep, all those days out had taken thier toll on me. I was angry, because Ace Trucking had been a big let down. The miles just weren't there and of course I wasn't the only one complaining. The whole trucking industry was in a slump and times were hard. Every truckstop was filled with trucks just sitting and waiting for thier next load. Since deregulation duties had been taken over by the DOT, it seemed as if anyone and everyone had a big rig. Yep, we were falling all over each other as more Kooks joined the business. The CB had turned into an electrical torture machine. Yep, it was best just to leave her off, unless you wanted to listen to a bunch nuts trying to out scream the other nut. So, I crawled out of the womb and caught up on the latest bathroom stall news. After my morning constitution I climbed back behind the wheel. Maxine was standing tall and purring like a kitten. I flipped the page and filled out the comic book. I was looking good, because I'd been layed over for a couple of days. Yep, Life was So-So ! What a deal. I had done a quick pretrip inspection and felt that all systems were go. The weather had cleared and the sun had made a magnificent entrance. I poured myself a cup of cold go juice, from my day old thermos. I flipped on the CB just to get a taste of what was up. Yep, some fool was all excited about a bear trap being set just ahead. I tried to adjust the squelch, but of course the nuts drowned out my only warning. Yep, a full Bear ambush was just before me. The portable sign had just began to flash a driver's nightmare, ' All Commercial Vehicles Must Exit ' An arrow pointed the way down the exit. There was nothing I could except to pull in. The driver behind me took a run for it. He was chased down and had a Full Grown Bear give him an escort back. I slowly approached and noticed that I was the first victim of the day. The makeshift inspection site was a historical marker that had a parkinglot. The Bears were just setting up and for split second I almost just idled thru undetected. There was a large R.V. parked to my left and orange cones narrowed my path. Sure enough a Bear leaped out and threw up his paw ! What a Deal ! So, what could I do ? I eased on the air pedal and slowed to a stop. I knew this wasn't good, but hey ! Maxine was in fine shape ! My logbook looked good and I was legal ! What could be possibly go wrong ?


Let's break, your Snazzy1.

 

<What could be possibly go wrong ?>


If I may make a guess, I would imagine plenty.

I sure hope you don't have to go to the brig or anything
like that as you have already had that experience.

Talk nice to those bears now, it may save you some hide.

 

The Bear growled, " Hand over your logbook Driver ! "

I did as requested, " Here you go, I guess ya'll are happy the weather cleared off. That was a pretty good rain last night."

The Bear gave me an angery look, " Just what I thought ! Driver pull to the back ! I'm putting you out of service ! "

I stuck my head out the window, " Why ? What's wrong ? What did I do ?"

The Bear pointed his claw in my face, " Just do what I told you ! "

I put Maxine in gear and drove to the rear. I was puzzled and a bit curious, my mind voices were even confused. The Bear waddled over and attmpted to enter Maxine. I had to reach over and unlock the passenger door. The Bear flopped down in her seat, turned facing her sleeper, and immediately stuck his paws under her mattress. Being an excop I knew that the Bear was conducting an illegal search.

I was polite, " What are you searching for ? There's nothing back there except for my clothes and gear. "

The Bear blew smoke, " I got a right to search for contriband ! You Drivers stash your dope under your mattresses and your second log books !"

I was offended, " I don't do drugs ! You won't find a second logbook, because I don't need one. Hell, with that outfit I'm leased onto ? I could log all my driving hours, legal on one page a week ! "

The Bear didn't laugh, but started to enter my sleeper. I wasn't going to allow that, so I stoodup from my driver's seat.

I looked the Bear in his eye, " Unless you have a warrant, I don't allow for folks to just walk into my house ! So, show me a warrant or tell me what your probable cause is. This is America ! Not the Soviet Union ! "

The Bear snapped, " Okay wise guy ! We can do this the hard way ! Step out of the truck and get into the posistion ! "

My mind voices started laughing, " Yep, we better bend over, grab our ankles, and get out the Kay Why Jelly ! "

I ignored my mind voices, but steeped down from Maxine, and leaned my hands on her cab. The Bear crawled out and began to frisk search me. I giggled, because it tickled, and I felt silly. After the Bear finished massaging me, he called for the dogs. Well, an overweight German Sheppard that had a nose so big he couldn't hold his head up. The Bear grunted and lifted the porkly pig dog into Maxine. By this time several other Bears and Drivers had gathered around, I guess it was the only show to see. So, the pig dog disappeared into my sleeper, as the Bear perked up his ears, " You hear that ! She's alerting ! I got my probable cause now ! You got anything to say driver ? "

I folded my arms, " Sounds to me like she found my beef jerky ! "

Pig dog came running out with several of my beef jerky strips hanging out of her mouth. The Bear started to lift pig dog out of Maxine, but pig dog showed her teeth, and backed up. The Bear tried to downplay the fact that his own dog didn't like him. I just stood there taking it all in.

Finally the Bear made his demands, " Driver ! I'll need to see your license, registration, medical card, insurance, DOT ceretification, and everything else ! That includes the paperwork for that trailer !"

I jumped back into Maxine and grabbed my folder, " Here you go ! That trailer is new and so her paperwork is in there too ! Anything else ?"

The Bear gritted his teeth, " Let me see that ! Okay ! Let's do this ! I'll get my portable scales and have you drive up a hub at a time ! "

I grinned, " That sounds good to me ! Just flop em down there and I'll roll right up on it !"

The Bear grunted and dragged the 200 lb scale over, " Okay Driver pull up ! A little more, a little more, Hold it ! "

I stuck my head out and looked down by my front tire, " Looks like I'm right on it ! I always wondered what she weighed pulling an empity trailer ? What does it say ?"

The Bear turned red, " Your empity ! Why didn't you say something ? I'm wasting my time doing this !"

I couldn't reisist, " No your not, let's go ahead and do all 10 hubs ! I'd like to know her empity weight. "

The Bear wasn't through, " Driver Im going to do a class A inspection ! Hit your headlights, now the high beams, left signal, right signal, city horn, air horn, wipers on, and wipers off ! Wait ! OKAY NOW THE BACK ! "

I watched the Bear point and kick his signals thru my mirrors. He'd made a fine cheerleader the way he animated his instructions. Of course there wasn't a violation one ! Just as I thought the fun and games were over the Bear made one more demand. He ordered me to jack Maxine's cab up. See, a cabover truck like Maxine had her engine under her cab. There was no hood to lift and raising her cab was no easy chore. First, I had to secure all of my gear, so it wouldn't go crashing towards the windshield. Second, I had to unfasten two latches and find her jack handle. Third, I had to pump her hydrolic jack for a good five minutes. I wasn't happy as I pumped away. Maxine's cab slowly raised, as she bowed like a peasant before Royality. What a deal ! The weather had turned warm and I was sweating. The Bear stood over me like a overseer about to whip a runaway slave.

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

After I got Maxine's cab raised the Bear put on an apron and some gloves. I wasn't sure if he was going to inspect her or bake a cake. Anyway, he bends over and starts pulling on stuff. The belts, hoses, shocks, wiring, and whatever else he could yank on. I stood proudly by, knowing that Maxine was in top physical condition. I'd just had her serviced and her tires weren't even showing any wear. She had no oil leaks and her motor had just been power washed. Her brakes were practically new and all of them had been adjusted by a ceretified mechanic. Even her oil was still a golden liquid and the grease in her fittings looked as fresh from a new grease gun. Yep, I wasn't worried, but a little put out by the Bears lack of manners. The Bear took his sweet time and I felt like he was angery for not being able to find any violations. Finally he moved towards Maxines sides and thumb fingered each lugnut on every wheel. He also gauged each tire tread with great care. I was waiting for him to do a white glove test. He stood over Maxine's fifth wheel and began tugging on her trailer release latch. About the time I figured he had finished, he rolled out a mechanics sled, (a 4 wheeled skate- board that rolls under a vehicle). Yep, he went rolling around under Maxine and measured each slack adjuster on every brake.

Now I wasn't mad for him doing his job. I felt that a good inspection was alright for the sake of safety. I just didn't care for his rude attitude and the fact he was being too persnickety. Yep, I don't care if it's off the show room floor, if you nitpick you can always find something wrong. Anyway, after an hour of inspecting, the Bear began to write. Boy did he write ! I was still standing there waiting when he approached.

The Bear read from his clipboard, " Well Driver ! I'm putting you out of service for 24 hours and your truck is going to be red tagged ! You'll have to have the repairs made before that truck moves ! You'll also have to post bond on these citations I'm issuing you !"

I thought he was kidding, " Your kidding me ! What in the world have you found wrong ? There's nothing wrong with Maxine, except that she is over 15, and has few miles on her ! "

The Bear never looked up and kept writing, " There's a mechanic on site here and if he does your repairs have him sign this ! If you want to have her towed it will be at your expense. You can't leave here either way untill these bonds are posted !"

I almost fell over, " You better show me something that spells out those so-called violations ! This is silly !"

The Bear handed me the out of service form. It was legal sized pink piece of paper that had X's and checks inside small boxs. Let's see, steering box has over 3" inches of play, air pancake has leaking gasket, and fith wheel is missing a washer. About the time I finished reading the B.S. the Bear handed me four citations. Before signing them I read the small print. Let's see, 3 equipment violations, steering box, air leak, and missing washer. Then the one for not logging for 24 hours ? Do what ? That was utter nonsense ! This is all BS !

I let the Bear have it, " I'm not paying a nickel ! This is crap ! Your full of it! I'll hire me a lawyer ! I'm not signing anything and I want to see whoever is in charge ! "

The Bear gave me an evil grin, " My Lt. is in the R.V, that's our command post. Go tell him that ! "

So I did, as soon as barged in, " Tell you what Lt, I'm not paying a dime ! Ya'll can lock me up ! This is BS ! Ya'll still have my logbook, so you better read it ! I logged legal not more than 10 minutes before being ambushed by you Pirates ! Show me where I haven't logged in 24 hours ! I'll eat that #### book ! What are ya'll trying to pull ? "

The Lt was off guard, " Settle down son ! If we made a mistake, we'll fix it! There's no need to fly off the handle. Let me see here. Okay, that's right, and it looks good there, so maybe, oh I see ! Look here ! "

The Lt. handed me my logbook, " Your kidding ! That's just the wrong date! See ! If you look at the page before this, they have the same date. I just forget today is the 7th, see that ? If I change it from the 6h to the 7th, then that's it ! I'm legal, right ? "

The Lt. wasn't a nice guy. " You presented an official document that is false ! The Officer was right to issue this citation ! If you want a trial, you can post bond, and have a hearing on the 15th of next month ! "

I was speechless (we know better), " Are ya'll that hard up for money ? Man ! No wonder you carry guns ! You ought to put bandannas over your faces ! Man ! I've seen it all now ! What a bunch of pig crap ! "

The Lt. held firm, " That's your options Driver ! Now you want to post those bonds or go to jail ? It doesn't matter to me !"

I turned purple, " How much is it and what about these other tickets ?"

The Lt started ringing up the cash register. Yep ! A stinking cash register right there in the RV. What a deal ! When he told me that each citation was $ 200 a piece, I turned into the Hulk !

I spit blood, " YOU ROTTEN PIGS ! I just pulled a carnival full of conartist, convicts, and low lifes ! But ya'll take the cake ! Man ! This is highway robbery ! What rock did ya'll crawl out from under ! If it wasn't for those badges, I'd stick my foot so far up your rumps you'd crap shoelaces ! What a pack of thieves !"

The Lt. gave me an evil smile, " Well, what are you going to do Driver ?"

I decided to cool down, " Let me talk with that mechanic, but I'm serious! You might just have to lock me up !"

I stormed outside and went hunting for the mechanic. I was serious about going to jail ! What had the world come to ? An honest Driver just trying to make a living ! What a deal !

Let's call it a night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Snazzy has voices. I have visions...

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