Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Well, Snazzmeister I have to say that the last 3 days of reading this entire thread has been the most entertaining/gripping/funny/sad/inspiring and compelling that I have read for a long time. You truly do have a gift for telling a story.
For some reason my minds eye pictures Nicholas Cage playing you in the movie version. Second choice would be the guy off of "My name is Earl". Randy off that same show would be BB. As a matter of fact the way you tell your story is very similar to the narration on "My name is Earl".
Your'e not a striking television writer are you?

 

Sweet! My first Snazzy points! I was sorta waiting for 'the rest of the story' and finding something to do. I just hate falling asleep early and then waking up at midnight. In fact, since this has happened to me a few times in the past couple of weeks, I decided to look it up on that website, Barcus Melby, MD. Believe it or not, they mentioned you! Snazzyitus they call it. Go figure!

 

Let's have a big Snazzy welcome for lobshot and no I'm not a t.v. writer. Now lilillill, who wants to read about some driver knocking the snot out of his dispatcher ? I mean that sometimes these true fiction tales use a literary license. You know, I fudge a bit, add too, or omit a few things. You know, I never let the truth get in the way of a good tale. It's up to you Snazzers to separate the fact from fiction, as Life Goes On.

I sped back to Dallas and still had steam pouring out of ears. Yep, I figured that Mother Ed would fire me. You know, Crook Trucking owed me over a $1,000 dollars that they had deducted from my pay settlements. You know, all them lumper fees, tolls, flats, and such. Yep, them outfits got that deducting part down pretty good. It was the paying back part that they needed to work on. Anyway, I knew that I was on thin ice. You know, if they fired me they'd just my keep money. Oh sure, I could cry to some government agencies, or hire an attorney. Sure, after six months and an act of congress, I might even get my money. But Hey ! All them Crooked outfits are betting that you'll give up. Yep, that's why they pull that crap. Just think, they're paying slave wages, deducting huge amounts, and getting rich. Yep, the poor drivers are being run ragged and cheated at every turn. What a deal ! Anyway, I wasn't in the mood to hear any bull crap. You know, I was ready to stand up for what was mine. So, I turned in my paperwork, handed over the keys, and sashayed into Ed's office. He was on two phones, you know, one in each ear, as I took a seat and stewed. Well, I spotted Crook Jr across the hall.

Yep, there had been a changing of the guard. Old Crook had passed the torch to the fruits of his loin. Ole Sperm Head was the spitting image of his mother. Yep, the little pudgy, pasty, pricked pear, puking poster boy, puffed cheeked, potty trained, primp posturing, pile of puttered pantie waisted, pouting pack of lie telling, platypus looking, porpoise smelling, phony fibbing fathead, was now the President of Crook Trucking. Now, don't get me wrong, I really liked the guy. Yep, he didn't know beans about the trucking industry and he sure didn't know much about anything else. But, he did have one good sense of humor. Yep, he fancied himself as a real mover and shaker. Well, all he'd ever done was move campus, to campus, shaking his pompoms, and partying his way through college. Yep, he had a masters degree in beer chugging and a PHD, that stood for Party Hat Devil. Anyway, I sashayed over introduced myself.

I shook his dishrag, " How are you doing ! I'm Barney Goose and need to talk to you for a minute. "

He sat down behind his desk, " Sure ! Have a seat, I'm Sperm Head and glad to meet you. Barney Goose was it ? Goose, Goose, hmm. "

I threw my folder on his desk, " You owe, or your company, owes me. One thousand, fourteen dollars, and thirteen cents ! I'm a little upset ! You guys are something else ! Now, what do I have to do, to get paid ? "

Sperm Head looked scared, " I remember now ! Your the same Barney Goose that robbed trains, blew up folks, killed woman, children, and all ! "

I grinned, " No that was William Bonnie, played by Clint Eastwood, in the movie The Unforgiven . I'm the one that beat the snot out of Cotton Candy Head, at PST, in Salt Lake City. Now, who is going to pay me ? "

Sperm Head cheesed, " Let me see that. Um huh, yep, carry the four, that looks right, oh yeah, eight hundred miles, five fifty, a good one here, went back, yes, another good trip, opps layed over, got going, ewe lost your co-driver, that looks good, lumper, flat, toll, toll, lumper, flat, whats this, never mind, snot kicking, got going. Oh, I see ! It's just your deductions that your owed. Now the way it works, is like this. You see, we can't pay that until PST forwards it to our account. Once that's done and Snow White passes her pregnancy test..."

I stood up, " Your going to pay me ! I already know that ya'll are planning on firing me ! Just pay me what's owed ! "

Sperm Head giggled, " We're not going to fire you ! I wish that the rest of my drivers would kick some PST butt ! Now sit down and listen to me ! "

I took my seat, " Don't BS me ! "

Sperm Head pitched me his sales pitch, " Look Barney ! I never have liked being leased on with PST. That was my mom and dad's big mistake. Now, this can't leave this room ! I'm in the process of getting our own authority and starting up my own company. It's going to known as TLX and it'll be a subsidiary of Crook Inc. Everything will be up and running by the first of the year. Now, this is going to be a whole new operation ! Barney it means that you and the rest of my drivers are in the right place, at the right time ! I'm lease purchasing, over 200, brand new, T600s and FLDs. They're all going to be equipped with 72", double bunk condos, with ever option available, and everyone of them will have Cat 400 horses. I'm not even going to govern them ! I've already purchased over 400, brand new, 53' foot, air ride trailers, They're being made ready as we speak ! This is big Barney ! "

I smiled, " Well, that sure sounds nice ! Now, what about my money ? "

Sperm Head looked hurt, " Aren't you listening to me ! This is your future, our future, it's..."

I shook my head, " Nope ! I know your lying, because your lips are moving. Now, what about my pay ? "

Sperm Head tried one more time, " What do I have to do ? Mr Goose, I've poured my whole life into this dream ! We'll have our own dispatch system and everything will be computerized. The contractors to expand our terminal will start next week ! I'm hiring the best qualified people that are available. We'll even have our own brokerage firm and have to hire owner operators to keep up. Every truck will be equipped with the latest tele-star, or quail-com communications system. We're going to have an electronic screen mounted on the wall. It will track every load dispatched and it's such a new system that you can't even buy one ! "

I yawned, " So I guess, if you can afford all of that, then my little pay settlement isn't but pocket change to you . So, pay me ! "

Sperm Head had payroll cut me a check for one thousand, fourteen dollars, and thirteen cents. I promised to keep my mouth shut about the new company plans. I mean, I'd been burnt before. Remember Tarmac ? Yep, I was just glad to of gotten my pay and to have a few days off. I threw my gear into my dusty Datsun and headed for my apartment, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Yes Sapphirecat, Snazzitus is better known as Snazzy-our-us and there is no Known cure, As life Goes On.

I unpacked at my apartment and read over my mail. Yep, I had it pretty good, you know. I mean, the apartment was rent free, Mike the Beard paid the electric and phone bills. Yep, my old Datsun was paid for and I didn't even have to pay child support. What a deal ! So, I should of had plenty of money. Well, not really ! You see PST was only running me an average of 2,100 per week. Yep, and Crook Trucking was only paying me a dime per mile. Yep, they'd claimed that I hadn't taken that required driving test. Remember, you had to backup between some cones before being upgraded from student team driver to solo driver ? Anyway, that meant that I was only earning $210 per week. Now sure, if ole Vic had stayed on the truck and we'd run more miles. I'd doubled my pay and been making a whopping $420 per week. Well, do the math ! Let's see, working 70 hours per week, either driving, or fingerprinting loads. No overtime pay, comes to $6 per hour. Now, if I had worked a regular job at $6 per hour, at 40 hours per week. That would of been $240, plus $9 per hour overtime for 30 hours, would of come to $270. So, $240, plus $270= $511 per week. Yep, you see what I'm getting at ? No matter how you cut it, driving doesn't pay that well. Unless, your willing to really run the miles, or hire on with a decent company. Dang soap box !

Anyway, Mike the Beard needed a favor from me. He'd saved a little money up and was wanting to buy a Hardley Motorcycle. Now, I'd bragged to Mike about knowing some of the bikers back in Idiot City. Yep, one of them was a decent older fella and had his own shop. So, I took Mike shopping for his dream bike. Well, Mike got a heck of a deal. You see, that old biker owed me a favor. Yep, I'd let him off the hook when I was working undercover. It wasn't a big deal, but he never forgot it. So, he agreed to build Mike a custom chopper. Yep, that bike was going to be professionally built and a real show stopper. The best part was the price. Yep, for less than $3,000 Mike the Beard was going to get a chopper worth three times that. Now, Mike knew that I had gone out of my way to help him. Yep, he wanted to pay me something for my troubles. Nope ! I mean, I was just helping out a friend. You know, I couldn't afford a chopper, with the peanuts I was making. Besides, I was never around enough to enjoy one anyway. So, after doing my good deed, I went to the Lay Over Club and pulled a two day drunk. Yep, it like Cheers on t.v., you know, everyone knew my name there. The owner Vicki had hired a young waitress and I was smitten. She was so lovely and I was yearning to sexually degrade her.

Her name was Julie and she was a full blooded female from the Youwantme tribe. She had jet black hair that reached past her tight fitting jeans. That reminds me, screw you Victor ! Her smile touched my heart, her black eyes touched my soul, and her mere presence kept me spellbound. What a deal ! Yep, I was in bad shape. I mean, there I was 42 years old and nothing but a dumb old truck driver. Yep, my better days had long since past. My looks had turned gray and my hopes had died, GD, Old Man Time, you know I humped alot ####, and drank alot of beer, oh yea ...I guess thinking back about that chopper brought that on. Anyway, I really was taken by that 20 year old wildcat. Yep, I'd drank a gallon of her tee tee to kiss her beaver. Come on ! This is a family site ! Geez ! Okay, it's late so say nighty night, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

After my three days off, I packed my gear and parked at the Crook terminal. Mother Ed greeted me and man was he all lathered up. Yep, I'd committed a cardinal sin. He set me straight about going over his head. Yep, ole Mother Ed didn't want any of us lowlife drivers ever taking our problems anywhere except to him. Yep, so much for the open door policy. So, Ed stood there on his cellphone and ignored me, as I backed over some orange cones. Yep, I was a solo driver finally. Now, get this ! According to Ed, he didn't have any solo trucks. Yep, I'd have to run as a solo team and that was that.

I gave Ed the look, " Solo Team ? What the hell is that ? "

Ed explained, " I'm short on trucks right now ! If I send you out solo then there won't be a truck for the other solo drivers. "

I scratched my head, " Hey ! If I a have partner, then I'm not running solo. I've completed my required training miles and I just passed your silly upgrade test. I hired in as solo driver and I don't want to run as a team ! "

Ed puffed up like a toad, " Want ! Want has nothing to do with it ! I don't have a solo truck, so I'm teaming you with another solo driver. I'll have a solo truck for you, when you get back. "

I shook my head, " I'm not coming back, because I'm not leaving ! Screw it, I'll just go home. Hell, you can call me when you have a truck for me to drive. In the mean time I'll apply somewhere else. You know, for a trucking company that has trucks to drive ! "

Mother Ed turned red, " So your quitting ? Good ! Make sure you turn in your equipment and leave a forwarding address. We'll mail you your last settlement check in a couple of weeks ! "

I smiled, " I'm all settled up ! Your boss Sperm Head all ready paid me. Yep, ya'll don't owe me a plug nickel and I'm glad you don't. Ya'll are a pack of thieves and I'd never see a penny of it ! "

Ed called my bluff, " We hold back a week and there's noway your all settled up ! Remember too, I'll make sure that no other outfit ever hires you on anywhere ! "

I laughed, " Ed I hand carried in my last trip pack and believe me, we're all even. As far as any job references go, I'll never admit that I ever worked here. Man, I'd hate for anyone to think that I was that stupid ! "

Ed laughed, " Alright you win ! I do have an old Kenworth that you can take, but it's in the shop being serviced. You need to hang around and I'll try to put a rush on it. Now, don't let them other drivers know I'm doing this. They'll want to go solo too and I really am short on trucks. "

Yep, thats' another trick in the book those crooked companies pull.They'll lie through their teeth to have you run team. It's more profitable for them and promising a solo truck is a good ploy to get you to hire on. Yep, once you've invested over a couple of months with them, they've got you over a barrel. I mean, you know if you leave they'll cheat you out of any money owed to you. Then remember too, that by federal law you have to list all the driving jobs you've held in the past ten years. Yep, they'll threaten to blackball you and they'll cheat you, trick you, and screw you. Now, of course, there are some reputable outfits that will do you right. Just make sure you know the difference, as Life Goes On.

Let's break for a three hour elephant wash Snazzers, you Snazzy1.

 

I sat at the terminal until dark, when finally my future home was backed out of the shop. Man, what a piece of crap. She wasn't that old, but worn out as the molars on a obese hippo. Yep, I wasn't all that impressed, as I climbed in her and had a seat on the floor. Yep, her air seat leaked like the screen on a submarine. I stored me gear, hooked on my loaded trailer, and did my pretrip inspection. What a dog ! Anyway, I decided that complaining wasn't going to help. So, I stabbed her in gear and smoked away. No, not her tires, I mean she smoked like an oil fire out both her stacks. Anyway, I set her heater on high and choked from the smell of antifreeze. Yep, her heater was like a fog machine, as the whole cab filled with vapors and a film of oily goo. What a Deal ! She also liked to wiggle while she walked, as we shimmied down the big road. It looked like I was spraying for mosquitoes, as I tried to set her cruise control. Yep, I flipped that switch, as her headlights dimmed, her city horn honked, and my air seat collapsed. Geez, it had started to drizzle, but I was afraid to flip on the wipers. You know, I could just picture her trailer coming loose and passing me in the hammer lane.

Anyway, by the time the big red ball began to rise. No not the sun, I mean the big ball of flames that shot up from under her hood. Yep, I had just about made it to the truckstop and had exited the big road. Matter of fact through the flames, I could see all the big rigs parked and snoozing. Well, I didn't panic, you know. I just yanked on her yellow knob and tugged on that red cylinder doo-hickey. You know, the fire extinguisher that was mounted just behind the drivers seat. Anyway, that sucker was in there, but it wouldn't budge. I mean, I was tugging with all my might, as she took off like a roman candle. Yep, I was trapped inside that cab with a ballistic missile, spewing out a white powdery cloud, that covered everything in it's path. What a deal ! I managed to get her in a headlock and pointed her dangerous end towards my open drivers door. Yep, that's just when the Bear decided to stick his snoot in. The poor old Bear looked like Santa Claus caught up in a hurricane. We managed to apprehend the out of control suspect and stood there, while she spat at us with her last breath. Now, it just about morning rush hour and I had the whole major intersection blocked. Of course, them trucks never break down out the way. They have to clog up the whole works.

Anyway, I raised her hood and took a look see. Yep, her engine was covered in oil and still smoldering. Now, the bear was all worked up about getting her moved. Well, I mean, it's not like pushing a Yugo to the curb. Anyway, I always kept a couple of cans of starting fluid handy. Yep, I turned the key, as the bear sprayed the fluid into her intake breather. Of course it was located on the side of her engine. Well, she'd start and run, but die the minute the spraying stopped. Yep, you guessed it ! Ole Bear was standing on her engine frame and spraying up a storm. I was fighting her wheel, as we took off like a rocket. Yep, I was jamming gears and doing my impression of Richard Petty, as Bear Knevil hung on for his life. I got us across the overpass and swung into the truckstop, as the crowd cheered us on. Yep, them drivers got an eyeful that morning. The poor old Bear looked tarred and feathered, as he leaped down spitting out black oil. I wanted to do victory lap, but thought it best not to ask. You know, the Bear's uniform looked like a painted on black tuxedo. Anyway, without as much, as a take care, or see you around, the bear hoofed away. Well anyway, that was trip that I'll never forget, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

The shop at the truckstop managed to patch up the ruptured duck. You know, they replaced that do-hickey, tightened the thing of my jig, and steam cleaned her cat. What a deal ! Anyway, things rocked along and I did my best. You know, I tried to keep a low profile and just get her done. PST kept me running where ever the snow blizzards blew. Yep, I'm sure it was all the loads that the other drivers had refused. Now, I had noticed that if you ever turned down a load there was hell to pay. Yep, they'd lay your over just short of your detention pay and then find a crappier load. So, I just took what they dished out. I also learned the trick to getting my home time. Yep, I'd request it the day I left out and keep requesting it. After three weeks of badgering, threatening, and being a pain in their butts I'd get home. I'd lust after Julie, drink like a fish, and cut it with Mike the Beard. His chopper was taking shape and looking good. Yep, that old bike builder in Idiot City sure knew his trade. Anyway, back at Crook trucking the main office was under construction. Yep, a second floor was added for the uppity ups and the downstairs was completely remodeled. There was huge room to cage the travel agents in, an added drivers break room that included a color t.v., and even a shower area complete with stalls. Yep, someone was spending money hand over fist.

Anyway, I got better at playing their games, as time slowly passed by. Yep, in January 1995, TLX aka Crook Inc, went into operation and there was a big to do. You know, ribbon cuttings, speeches, ceremonies, baby kissing, butt kissing, back slapping, and such. What a deal ! Well, the bad news was that TLX was operated just like PST. Yep, they'd hire on any lame brain that had a CDL, including ex-cons, dopers, drunkards, perverts, thieves, #######, leopards, lazy lowlifes, and anyone else. Now, I knew that things were bound to get better for me. I just about had my six months in and knew that there were opportunities knocking. You know, even if I just managed to stay the course for six more months. Yep back in 1995, if you had a clean three year CDL with a years experience the outfits took notice. So, I hung in there and took my lumps. Now, Crook Trucking had a seniority system that rewarded the loyal fools who had stuck with them. Yep, they got issued the new trucks, got the best loads, and made the most money. Trainers were at the top of the food chain, followed by senior teams, solo drivers came next, and then student teams got the crumbs. What a deal ! Anyway, I was a little shocked by Mother Ed. Yep, the longer I'd stuck around the friendlier he had gotten. I mean we weren't chums or hung out together. You know what I mean ! Anyway, because TLX was a new company and doing business under a different name, all of the drivers had to fill out new employment applications. I was sitting in the new orientation room, at one of the desk. Yep, TLX was getting pretty Snazzy.

Water Balloons wiggled over and handed me my original application. She advised me to just copy off of it, so I did. I trotted over to Ed's office and he offered me the deal. What a deal !

Ed was behind his desk, " Have a seat Barney ! How's it going, you doing ok, you need anything ? "

I sat in the lush leather chair, " I'm ok ! Man, this is nice ! You can see the whole terminal from here. It sure beats your old office ! "

Mother Ed agreed, " You got that right ! We're on our way and this is just the beginning ! TLX with Sperm Head at the helm is going to put the big boys out of business. We're on the march and the world is ours ! "

I kissed Ed's fanny, " Well, everyone here knows that without you this place wouldn't last a week. Yep, you've done your share ! "

Ed was all business, " Barney I hate to do this, but there isn't much of a choice. I see a problem on your application. "

I gave Ed the look, " Hey wait a minute ! Water Balloons had me do that and it's just like she had it. I never wanted to fudge or make things up. Man, all I've done is do what I was told ! "

Ed whispered, " Look, it's not that big a deal. We're just going change your hire in date. You started here at Crook Trucking back in September and that's not long enough. "

I was confused, " What are you talking about ? "

Ed explained, " We're just going to have you back date it a month. See, that way it'll show that you were employed here while you attended that driving school. That'll give you the six months needed to become a trainer. That's what I need and can't get enough of. "

I was in shock, " A trainer ! You mean having to go out with a student like Victor again ? Your nuts ! Noway ! I'm a solo driver and just need the miles to run. Ed ! Man, I'm no trainer and believe me it won't work ! I feel sorry for them guys, ya'll screw the pants off of them, and it's not right. I only put up with it, because I didn't have any choice ! "

Ed waved the money in my face, " Look Barney ! You'll be getting 20 cents for every mile that truck turns. We don't care if that student even drives and you can use his logbook. I've done some checking and your more qualified to be a trainer than the ones I've got. We just require six months of experience for a trainer. Hell ! You know that's a joke and half the ones out there can't even drive themselves ! So, are you going to help me out and help yourself ? "

I don't know how Mother Ed talked me into it. You know, I really didn't want to be a trainer. I mean, the money was good and alot more than I was able to make running solo. But Hey ! You know, there's alot of responsibility that goes along with it. Anyway, I decided to give it a try and do my best. Hell, if it didn't work out I could always go back as a solo driver. Besides, it might even be fun. You know, I knew how most of the trainers abused their students and I wouldn't do that. Yep, I'd give them a fair deal and even be willing to share my experience. Yep, Trainer Barney, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Hey Snazz! Good Morning!

"The money's still available, ain't it?"

<line from a movie>

 

As i read snazzy's stories--i think of makin some popcorn. Great story -- you really should be a writer. These things sound funny and the sad part is this stuff really happens.