Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Meanwhile, back at the colonel's nature reserve, even ol' Sly-Bow-We shakes his head in disbelief...

​

 

This just gets better and better.....

 

Yep, Ducks is still on the ball and that Lion sure made the right comment. Big Duker is right about Col Wilbur being able to piss off the Pope. Now W5IT, let's see if any curses get put on me, as Life Goes On. Snazzy Points all Around.

One of the things that I liked most about that new Century, was it had a door that separated the cab, from the sleeper. Yep, there wasn't a curtain, but an actual door, that shut and closed. Col Thin On Ice had locked himself in there and I was trying to figure out away to permanently seal it. You know, like they did with the ancient pyramids. The Quail beep interrupted my thoughts and gave me my next load assignment. It was a good run, but I sure didn't like where it delivered at. Anyway, I went ahead and got going, as the door inched open.

Wilbur's lips spoke, " Where are we headed to ? "

I spat, " I'm going to Melon Patch, Florida to pick up a load that delivers in Kunts Point, New York ! I don't know where your going ! "

Col. A Brick Shy, tried to make nice, " Mr Goose, I really am sorry about back there. I was just going to ask for directions and I had a wardrobe malfunction. Now, about those load locks ! "

I'd heard enough, " Just forget it ! So far, you've wrecked my new truck, blew yourself up, and damaged a load ! The best thing for you to do, is to stay back there and out of my way ! Wait a minute ! Is that a bone in your nose ? "

Wilbur started in, " It's the bone of a virgin Toronto Soar As, that has been end stink for a billion years. Chief Who Cut Cheese himself inserted it the night of Phony Baloney ....."

I warned him, " Shut up and shut that door ! One more peep ! No ! If you even as much as clear your throat, I won't be responsible ! "

So, Chief Pain In My Rear disappeared back into his padded cell. I drove like the wind and a few hours later turned down the dirt road. Melon Patch sits in the center of Southern Fla. and is in the middle of nowhere. It actually isn't a city, but just several thousand acres of melon fields. Each co-op plant grows and picks their own melons. About every 20 miles down the dirt road are wooden barns with metal roofs. Each barn stores the melons and have poorly constructed docks, for the rigs to back onto. The laborers were mostly from Jamaica and other foreign places. You know, they're hard workers and work on the cheap. I'd been down there before and knew the setup. Yep, all you had to do was find the correct number, which was painted on the side of the barn. Now, those Jamaicans were a rough bunch and all of them carried razor sharp sickles. You know, curved foot long knives to cut the melon stems with. They'd work in those fields from dawn to dusk and then load trailers half of the night. Yep, there were a sight to see, because of their native attire. No cut off blue jeans, or t-shirts were worn. They went shirtless and wore kilts made of small game skin. Yep, you'd of thought that you were on some tropical island deep in the Pacific. I had to drive a good 60 miles, before my barn number appeared. The Head Native took my paperwork and pointed towards the dock. I slipped him a five dollar bill and winked. Now, I didn't do that just to be nice. From my past experiences, I knew that fin would speed up my loading and guaranty a proper load count. I backed onto the dock and pulled the fart knob.

It was still daylight and the Sunshine State earned it's name. Yep, it had to be pushing 105, as the high humidity steamed over the open fields. At a distance I could see the sun baked pickers toiling away like black ants at a picnic. I knew the trailer loading wouldn't happen until the late evening. So, I crept back into the padded cell and held down the top bunk. Col Fat Slob was sprawled out on the bottom bunk and sawing logs. The Century's temperature controlled a/c had frost on the windows, as I snuggled up with my quilt and entered dreamland.

The sounds of singing natives filled my ears, as I sat up and gathered my senses. I peeped out the side window and discovered a star filled sky complete with a full moon. I slipped on my neatly folded clothes, inserted my size nines into my hushed puppies, and sashayed out. The heat still lingered and pressed against my chilled skin, as I wondered over to bleed the lizard. Yep, there sure weren't any trees to hide behind, but when you got to go, you got to go. So, I went, shook it three times and zipped up. I sashayed back to see how things were going. Well, they weren't ! Nope ! No, happy singing natives tossing any melons back here. Hmmm, maybe they're ? Nope, not back here in the barn. Well, I'll just sashay over there, where that singing is. Yep, I see them all dancing around that bone fire and ...? What's that ? Looks like a pig being roasted on that pole. Hey, that's neat ! Yep, a good old pig roast out here in the middle of nowhere. I wonder if they'll offer me some ?

The Head Native spotted me, " Look ! You seem like a nice guy and we don't have a beef with you. But, your partner was asking for it. "

I wiped the smoke from my eyes, " Yeah ! Tell me about it ! That SOB isn't worth killing ! What did he do this time ? "

The Native counted on his black fingers, " First thing he did was to mock us ! You know, he had on some silly grass skirt, a bunch beads around his neck, a chicken bone taped under his nose. Then he starts making fun of how some of the Jamaicans guys talk. Booggie, Booga, and that sort of crap ! Well, the final straw was that goofy dance he did ! Well, I couldn't stop them, so we'll just let them have their fun. Do you have a problem with that ? "

I raised my hands, " Hey ! He's not my problem and I don't give a #### ! Where is he anyway ? "

The Native pointed, " He's rotating on that pole there ! "

I did a double take, " Oh crap ! I thought that was a pig ! Come on ! He's nuts and ya'll are going to get me in trouble ! "

The Head Native laughed, " They won't hurt him ! We do this all of the time at Florida State. Yep, some of the Fraternity Brothers like to bring the pledges out here and scarring them half to death. He'll have a few blisters and some singed hair, but he'll be alright. Hey ! We have a keg of beer and some buffalo wings over there. Would you care for some ? "

So, we sat around drinking cold ones, eating our fill, and enjoying Col Roasted Pigs misery. Early the next morning I thanked the guys, as they stuffed Col Well Done back in his padded cell. He was still tied to that post and had an apple in his mouth. I pushed in the fart knob and headed out, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Col. Pig on a Spit, what a sight to behold.
Hes lucky those guys didnt stuff his juju beads where the sun dont shine...

 

Or popcorn so they would know when he was "Done".

 

Buckle up PJ and W5, as Life Goes On.

One of the worst areas to be dispatched to was Kunts Point, N.Y. Luckily it was rare for me to be unlucky enough to be dispatched up there. Anyway, I always looked at it as a game. You know, I'd pretend that I was piloting a stealth bomber and stealth in there. Well, since Col Wilbur like to pretend so much, I let him in on my game plan. Wilbur was wearing his General Patton outfit complete with 5 star helmet, chest full of metals, whip stick, black leather knee boots, with 45 caliber ivory handled squirt guns. I pointed to the navigation screen and plotted our attack.

I was honest, " Men ! This is our target ! If we fly in low at 0400 hours and get in undetected, we might survive. It's going to take excellent planning, great skill, and plenty of luck. Any questions ? "

Col Patton, err Wilbur had to ask, " General Goose, this Map Quest screen shows our flight pattern going due West. Wouldn't be better to exit here and circle around ? They wouldn't be expecting a rear attack. "

I thumbed my beard, " No ! That rear gate is for exiting only and there is no escaping that main entrance. The most important thing is to get in and to get out ! Now, as we decent from the elevated freeway and taxi down under this bypass. See, here and here ! This is where we are most likely to have incoming. You know, street walkers, crack heads, homeless bums, and the dreaded hijackers. I'll come in low and hopefully glide in. Once we are at check point A, I'll hand over the paperwork. Now, those guards are always looking for New Bees. You know, they'll try and pull the old line, about there being a $20.00 entrance fee. Well, I'll hand over this ! It's a free pass that gives us unlimited access. Once we're in, I'll back her on the dock and we're home free. Now, let's go ahead and do our preflight inspection. "

So, Wilbur read from the clipboard, as I checked over things. You know, it went something like. Landing gear up, check ! Mud flaps down, check! Bombay doors secure, check ! Anyway, I fired her up and lifted off. There wasn't much air traffic and we kept radio silence. My palms were moist with sweat, as we entered the enemies air space. My eyes searched for any Smoky Fighter Craft, but none appeared. We did run across some flack in the form of a gator recap, that I steered to avoid. Col Wilbur sat in the copilot seat and was on full alert.

I gave her some right rudder, " This is our exit, so keep your eyes peeled and your door locked ! Crap ! ####, red light ! Crack Dealer at 3 o'clock and he's on my running board ! Get off ! Get down ! "

The Crack Head barked his goods, " I got two rocks, for $20 ! Two, for $20! Look at what I got ! Two, for $20 ! "

I flipped on the after burner, " He's hanging on ! Hanging on ! There he goes, I knew he'd get down ! What's that ? You got a Street Walker on your window ! Keep it rolled up ! Don't look at those tits ! She probably has cudies ! I'll lose her, here at the corner ! There she goes ! Is that blood ? "

Col Wilbur checked, " No ! That's lipstick where she licked the glass. I'm alright, but how much further ? "

I pointed, " That's the entrance, just look natural ! "

The Nazi Guard goose trotted over, " Halt ten zee ! $20 Franks to enter zee. Oh ! New Bees ? "

I held up my passport, " Free Pass ! No New Bees ! Old Hands ! "

The Guard spat, " Here ! Docken zee 22 ! "

I placed the cardboard square on the dash and slowly entered the pits of hell. The fenced in compound resembled the concentration camps as seen on the History Channel. Strands of barbed wire lined the 12' fences, search lights scanned down from the gun towers, as I pulled the fart knob.

I handed it over, " Col Wilbur ! This is the secret document that must be hand carried inside. Our contact in there will give you our appointment time. Now, listen to me ! This place is crawling with lumper insurgents and they'll demand a kings ransom to off load our cargo. You'll have to demand that this treaty is honored. See, right here on line 6 ! It states, all loading and unloading, is to be paid for by the Shipper, or his designated receiver ! "

Col Wilbur saluted me, " Sir ! I'll get this message through the enemy lines and demand that our treaty be honored ! If I don't make it, just remember that it was a pleasure serving under you. Your a brave man Barney Goose!"

So, I saluted Col Ding Bat and snickered as he low crawled towards the warehouse. I mean, I knew that this was all make believe and it helped to take the edge off of doing a dangerous job. Yep, Kunts Point was a good place to be robbed, beaten, and hijacked. I never felt comfortable there and always breathed a sigh of relief once I left. Anyway, Col Wilbur low crawled back with some bad news. Yep, our load of melon bombs couldn't be unloaded until after noon. So, we had a good wait ahead of us. I backed up between a couple of Skunks and did what I hated most. Yep, nothing like having your thumb up your butt, with no place to go. Col Wilbur took first watch, as I grabbed 40 winks. Now, I know that your wondering. Why did I even worry about a load of watermelons ? Well, I wasn't ! I was more concerned about my truck. Yep, them low lives out there would actually steal you blind. They'd been know to drain fuel tanks, remove wheels and tires, and even batteries. Hell, a few drivers woke up and discovered their cbs', tvs', and microwaves had been stolen. Yep, they never even heard a thing as those ripoff artist had a field day. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Col Fruitcake is still at it, Eh? Aint it time for the SugarPlum Fairy
to come take him to La-La Land yet?

 

Yep PJW044, Col Fruitcake needed someone to take him away, as Life Goes On.

It was late afternoon before I got backed onto the dock. Col Wilbur had just awoken and was spouting out more tall tales. I'd kind of learned to just tune him and out. You know, like you do your spouse. Anyway, all 44,000 lbs of melons had to be fingerprinted. No ! They didn't have fingers ! I mean that the lumpers had to hand carry them out. It was hard back breaking work that passed by slowly. I decided to go hunt down some grub because Col Fatso had eaten the icebox clean.

I laid the law down, " Wilbur ! I'm going to sashay over to that drivers lounge and raid the vending machines. All I want you to do is wait here in the truck. Don't touch anything ! Don't use the C.B. ! Don't let anyone in the truck ! Just keep an eye on things and I'll be back ! Keep the doors locked ! Do you understand ? "

Wilbur pouted, " I've been stuck in here forever and I need to use the facilities. You can't just keep me in here ! "

I gave Wilbur the look, " It's for your own good ! You go trotting around here in that silly Patton uniform and they'll rip you a new one. Remember what happened back in Melon Patch ? "

So, Wilbur agreed to hold down the fort, as I sashayed away. The drivers lounge was located at the end of the loading docks and it was a mess. Yep, the sheet rock walls had been kicked in, trash filled the floor, along with rat droppings. What a deal ! The coin vending machines had large chains that protected them from being broken into. Now, what the killer was, these machines wouldn't accept money. Oh No ! There was a sign that directed you to the sashay over to the police department. Yes ! Kunts Point had it's own Port Authority Police. So, I sashayed, and sashayed, and sashayed some more. Yep, it was a good half mile sashay and not worth the bother. Yep, a sign there said, ' Closed On Sundays.' What a bunch of crap ! So, I sashayed back, the way I had sashayed. Well, I hadn't sashayed far, when a familiar voice caught my ear.

Wilbur bellowed, " Mr Goose ! Mr Goose ! Come quick ! They're in the truck and trying to steal it ! "

I sashayed full speed, " How did they get in the truck ? Come on and lets get over there ! "

Wilbur began panting, " I can't run anymore ! Go ahead and I'll catch up to you. It's four black guys and one of them had a gun ! "

So, I sashayed like my tail was on fire and made it back to the truck. Lets see, doors all open, broken glass all around, no black guys to be found, and you guessed it. Yep, no microwave, no C.B., no t.v., no Quail Comm, no nothing. Yep, I was screwed ! I climbed in and did a quick inventory. Well, it didn't take me long, because there wasn't much left. So, Wilbur finally came huffing up and gave his account.

I was hopping mad, " What the hell happened ! "

Wilbur started in, " They just broke in on me and told me to get out ! One of them had a gun, so I made a run for it. That's all that I could do ! "

I didn't buy it, " Right here in broad daylight ? Your telling me that..."

Wilbur swore, " That's what happened ! I swear it ! There wasn't anything else that I could do ! "

I pointed, " Why didn't you yell over there and get some help ? "

Wilbur thought about it, " I don't think anyone is there. Those lumpers all went to lunch and I was here by myself. Go ask them ! "

So, I did. Yep, all the lumpers swore that they hadn't seen or heard a thing. They claimed that they were on break and weren't aware of any of it. Now, I knew that something smelled awfully fishy and it wasn't the Kunts Point Fish market. But, there wasn't much that I could do about it. Well, I did call Ed and man was I hot ! "

Ring, ring, " This is Ed ! "

I blew smoke, " It's Barney ! I'm at Kunts Point and guess what ? "

Ed was Ed, " It's Sunday Barney and I'm at home getting ready to..."

I exploded, " Well, excuse me ! Man ! I sure hate bothering you at home, but I figured that you'd want to know ! Your Col Crap For Brains is one hard luck SOB ! I swear it ! He just got jacked-up in broad daylight and ..."

Ed was concerned, " Did they get the load ? "

I saw red, " That's all you care about ! I'm stuck out here with the Idiot from hell and your worried about some stinking watermelons ! "

Ed backed up, " Well, I figured that your alright and ..."

I spoke my mind, " This is it ! I'm sick of being out here, with these nuts and goof balls ! I'll finish this load and head back in ! You just have dispatch get me a Dallas load and I've had it ! "

Ed was Ed, " Now Barney, settle down and listen to me. We know what your going through and what a good job your doing ! Now, just tell me what happened and I'll do whatever you need ! "

So, I spilled my guts to Ed and told him all about it. He seemed to grasp why I was so upset. You know, it wasn't all Ed's fault, but for some reason it was hard for me to swallow. Yep, there I was doing my best to .... Wait ! What was I doing ? I mean, what had happened to put me in such a position ? All I wanted to do was drive for a living. You know, see the open road and make the big bucks. Well, sometimes things get so turned around, that it's hard to see the forest, for the squirrels, err.. trees. You know what I mean, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazy1.

 

I guess I best go back to page 1 and start reading this saga instead of the last 2 pages!! You can't make this s*** up!!! Too funny..

 

It just gets better and better