Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Ed read over my demands and leaned back in his office chair. I sat across his desk and waited.

Ed fingered page 6, " What's this ? Oh, never mind ! I get it now. Alright let me understand this. You want that old KW-600, a guarantee of $1,000 per week minimum, regardless of paid miles, no forced dispatch, one day off at home, for every seven days out, TLX fuel, tire, and maintenance discount, free Tel-Com, and ..... What's this ? "

I strained my eyes, " Oh ! That ? It's about my insurance. You know, health, liability, bobtail, and...."

Ed marked through it, " No ! We can't do that ! Your going to be a leased operator and you know ! That's your responsibility ! Now, we'll furnish the liability, as long, as your under dispatch. "

I protested, " LEASED OPERATOR MY FOOT ! That truck isn't mine, until I pay for it ! Ya'll should ...."

Ed wouldn't budge, " No ! We're not doing anything different ! Barney, your going to be treated, like any other leased operator. The only difference is that $1,000 per week guarantee. Now, we'll have to work something out on that. How about this ? What if we guarantee you a minimum of 2.500 miles per week. If we don't, we'll pay you the difference. That way ... "

I lit up a 100, " As long, as I get that $1,000 per week minimum ! That way ya'll can''t starve me out, or try to... "

Ed coughed and fanned, " You should give those things up ! Now Barney, we're not trying to do anything, but to be fair. Oh, that reminds me ! We need to agree on a fair price. Now, how does $40,000 sound ? "

I blew smoke, " Your kidding me ! For that three year old hunk of junk ! It probably didn't cost that new ! "

Ed fingered his computer, " That KW cost twice that new ! It just had the engine replaced, the clutch, the tires, and last year, it shows a new air compressor, for the ac. #### Barney ! Your getting a good deal ! "

I had to ask, " What are my payments going to be ? "

Ed fingered his calculator and mumbled, " Sales tax, highway tax, dealer prep, inventory make ready, restocking fees, handicap emblem, dealer options, floor mats, window sticker, state inspection, tuna on rye, extra cheese, hold the mayo, and super size it. How does a thousand dollars per week sound ? "

I farted, " Thhhrrrruuuuupppp ! How does that sound ? "

Ed held his nose, " Alright ! How about $250 per week ! Now, that's only a grand per month and ... ####, let me open the window here ! Gees, what did you eat ? The paint is peeling off the walls ! "

I lifted my cheek, " How many months ? "

Ed stuck his nose outside, " 40, No, No, Wait ! 36 months ! That's the best I can do ! "

So, I shook his watery eyes.. err, hand and sashayed over to the shop. Dan had Old Blue all ready to go. Yep, she looked good and I was pretty proud. You know, it wasn't the deal of the century, but it was a fair deal. Of course, I knew that TLX had come out smelling like a rose. Well, except for Ed's office. The only part of the deal that I didn't like was. Yep, you guessed it ! Having to stay leased on for 36 months. Remember ? None of the leased trucks had an early payoff. Yep, I couldn't lease on with any other outfit, or even hire another driver. Well, unless TLX approved it and I knew they wouldn't. See, that's how they kept you leased on and then would find ways to cancel the lease. You know, once you had some equity built up. Well, of course that never happened, because there wasn't any equity to build up. Yep, it was crooked and dishonest, but legal. I guess, if you were stupid enough to agree to it. Well, my ace in the hole was that guaranteed weekly settlement. Yep, a $1,000, was a whole months truck payment, so what did I care. Yep, a nice truck, a bright future, and what could possibly go wrong ? What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Thought you were going to leave us hanging the Snazzy........LOL


You know if it can go wrong it............well you know.......

 

Holy Crapola, Some people never learn......................

 

Yep Mc85 and Pj44, lets see if Barney ever learns, or what can go wrong, as Life Goes On.

I parked in front of the River Queen and had finished packing my gear. Capt Hook spotted me and walked Lobo over, " Hey Barn ! Is that your truck ? "

I petted Lobo, " Hey Boy ! Yeah, we reached an agreement and ..."

Capt Hook eyed Old Blue, " Nice looking tractor ! What's she got in it ? "

I lit up, " They just put a brand new, factory crate, Detroit 360, in her and it's under warranty. Dan put all new rubber, all around and ... "

Hook pointed, " Dang ! Dual smoke stacks, chromed rims, and ..."

I yanked open the door, " Dual air seats, cruise, electric windows, front and back ac, fm cassette, 9 speed Eaton, and just under 400,000 original miles. Let me crank her up ! "

Hook whistled, " Sweeelllll ! She sure sounds good ! What did they end up doing ? I mean, did you get her free and clear ? "

I blew smoke, " No ! They screwed me ! All I got out of the deal was ... Well, a three year lease, at $250 per week and my attorney fees paid. "

Hook shrugged, " That's not bad ! Nope ! You came out alright. Hell Barney, you can earn good with that and run all kinds of miles. Man, if I was still able to, I'd jump in there with you ! "

So, we cut it up and swapped lies for awhile. Yep, old man Hook was one heck of a nice guy. He never brought up that I was behind on my docking fees, utilities bills and bar tab. I guess, he knew my situation and trusted me. You know, to make good on things. Yep, he never even charged me for dog sitting Lobo, or watching over the River Queen. What a guy ! Anyway, it was getting late, so I eased her in gear and set sail. Yep, my maiden voyage and it was a decent run. I bobtailed over and hooked onto a brand new, Strong Tongue, 53 footer. It was loaded light, with US Mail and to be delivered in the Sun Shine State. Yep, Jack's Son Ville bound, without a care in the world. Life was good and what a deal ! Old Blue was a high stepping, good looking, road eating machine. Of course, I took it easier on her, since she was still being broke in. Now, one trick I'd learned over the years was to bed down early. Yep, big rigs are like pack a worms.., err .. pack of germs.., err..., crap ! You know, like a pack of elephants. They run in herds and hit the watering holes, all at the same time. Yep, just as the sunsets, every big rig, on the big road, bellies up to the go juice pumps and.. Well, you know. Yep, I'd nose around the long lines and find a decent spot to park. I mean, why wait in line and have to hunt a place ? Yep, while all them other drivers were idling away and watching the windows being wiped. Well, I was all snugged in and drawing my lines.

Anyway, I stepped back in my dressing room. You know, the condo sleeper and zipped up the curtain. Yep, I'd put on my fresh clean clothes, you know, socks, drawers, and what have you. Then, I'd grab my purse. Well, it was shoulder strapped overnight bag. Yep, I could slip it over my shoulder and sashay on in. Yep, right to the diner and hit the buffet. My bag marked my seat, so others could see, and after I ate, the showers I'd be. Now, the trick was to have a fuel receipt, from a previous fill. You know, from the same truck stop chain. Yep, they'd honor them and save you a few bucks. Now, if I didn't have one. Well, I'd pay the shower cost, but get a receipt. Then, I'd sashay back and do my thing. You know, chip, shower, and shave. Oh, don't ever forget to wear flip flops. You know, shower shoes. Yep, mine slipped in the pocket of that bag. The only other things in there was my razor, shaving cream, toothbrush, toothpaste, Irish spring soap, smell good, and an extra towel. Yep, them truck stop towels were o.k., but usually a bit small. Now, you see where I'm going with this. No lines to wait in, nor dirty clothes to mess with. Then, I'd return the shower key, or card key. You know, like the motels have. Yep, I'd sashay back to my rig and be done for the night.

Yep, I'd sit in the passenger seat and watch the fun. You know, all of them super truckers circling the lot, battling for spots, and cussing over their CBs. What a deal ! Now, there were several reasons I did things that way. One of the main ones, being a safety issue. Yep, back when I was a cop it never failed. Every time the sunrises, or sets, the accident rates increased. Yep, I bet if a study was ever done, on sun in your eyes. Well, it's probably up there, with drunk driving and another thing. I've always had sensitive eyes. You know, I can't stand bright sunlight and sunglasses never helped. Oh, they'd help some, but not near enough. Yep, whether I was driving straight into the sunlight, or it was reflecting off my mirrors. Well, you know what I mean. So, besides saving time, keeping things safe, and avoiding a lot of hassles. Well, there was another benefit. Yep, I was an early riser and if I wanted to. Well, I could of pumped diesel until Elsie came home. Besides, remember that shower receipt ? Yep, I could get a refund, by showing my fuel ticket. What a deal !

Anyway, I slept like a new born and was up before sunlight. I bled the lizard, washed up, and hit the fuel isle. No ! I didn't hit.. Well, you know what I mean ! Anyway, I was over filling up my thermos. No ! Not with diesel, with coffee. Come on Snazzers ! Where was I ? You were going to tell them, about the lot lizard. Remember ? The one that you picked up and .... Yeah, yeah, I remember, but it's awfully late. Hey, why don't we wait and tell them, about her tomorrow. Well, alright ! Hope they don't get mad, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Let's see, put the coffee mug in the cup holder, draw a line there, check my mirrors, push in the knob, love that sound, and here we go. Hmm, I wonder what she's up to ? Well, don't stop ! Hell, I have too ! She's blocking the exit and ... Crap ! Pull the knob, check the mirrors, step out, but be careful.

I sized her up, " What's going on ? "

She looked terrified, " Please help ! He tried to kill me ! "

I gawked around, " Who ? "

She took my arm, " Please, just give me a ride ! I'll pay you ! "

I didn't buy it, " I can't do that ! If you need help, go in there and call the cops. I'll walk you over there and ...."

So, while I was standing there trying to avoid being involved. Well, a beer bottle flew into my elbow. Yep, it shattered and into a thousand pieces except for a large shiver. Now, you know how it is, when something totally unexpected happens ? I mean, it took me a minute to. Well, at least a few seconds, to figure things out. It was like time stood still, as I replayed the event in my mind. I then cut my eyes over in the direction it had come. A shadowy figure lurked in the shadows, " YOU BETTER GET OVER HERE ! "

She wouldn't let go of me, " He's crazy ! He'll kill me ! "

I nudged her behind me, " HEY BUTT HOLE ! YOU GOT A PROBLEM ! "

Butt Hole was all bluff, " This ain't between us ! Send her over here and you can go on your way ! "

I was pissed, " Why don't you come over here and ..."

So, as I was standing my ground. Yep, you guessed it ! CRASH ! Another beer bottle sailed our way. This one shattered a few feet in front of me. Now, if I didn't have to worry about her and it was just me. I probably would of charged the Butt Hole. You know, rushed him and tried to beat the daylights out of him. Anyway, common sense prevailed, as I rushed her towards the cab. Yep, we jumped in Old Blue and I jammed gears. She still had a hold of my right arm and wouldn't let go.

I checked the mirrors, " Who the hell was that ? Is he crazy ? "

Her eyes showed fear, " He has to be ! I don't even know him ! "

I doubted that, " Look ! I'll drop you off at the next truck stop and ..."

She pleaded, " Please ! Don't do that ! If he finds me... "

I was firm, " Well tell me, what this is this all about and maybe..."

So, she took her seat and gave me her version. Yep, she had accepted a ride with the guy and he was a trucker. He'd picked her up a week before and they had put down some miles. Now according to her, he was a speed freak and was shooting up meth. Well, his truck broke down and she was doing some tricks. You know, she was honest. I mean, she admitted to being a Lot Lizard. Anyway she claimed that, he accused her of holding back his share. Yep, he was getting half of her earnings and blah, blah, blah. I swung into the pickle park and parked.

I pointed, " There's a roll of paper towels back in my sleeper. Get it and hand it to me. "

She did, " What's wrong ? "

I lifted my left arm, " I've got to pull this out and it's going to squirt blood all over the place. "

Her eyes grew large, " Oh, Baby ! Your really hurt ! "

I yanked and grunted, " Ough ! #### ! Give me some more towels ! "

She applied pressure, " Oh, Baby ! Your bleeding bad ! You need a doctor and get that stitched up. "

I knew better, " No ! I'll be alright, if it quits bleeding. There a medical kit back there somewhere. Get it and ..."

So, she played nurse and I played patient. Yep, that shiver of glass was a good five inches long and pointy as an arrow. Yep, it had gone bone deep into my my left elbow and it sure smarted. Now, I'll say this ! She wasn't a bad looking gal ! I mean, especially for a Lot Lizard. Let's see, 5'7, 125lbs, slender, short auburn hair, nice teeth, pretty smile, had freckles, and some really sexy legs.

I checked it over, " You did a good job and I think it's quit bleeding. "

She held up the glass, " I can't believe that this was in your arm. Your lucky that it didn't hit you in the head ! "

I disagreed, " No ! If I was lucky it would of missed me ! Look ! I need to head out and get going. If you want a ride to the next truck stop, I can drop you off, or ..."

She begged, " Please ! I don't have anywhere to go and ..."

So, I agreed to it. You know, to let her ride along to Jacksonville. I mean, we'd be there before night fall and.. Well, the truth was, I kind of felt sorry for her. You know, she was young, maybe in her early 20's and ... Alright, alright, maybe my intentions weren't all good. I mean, what driver in his right mind would of kicked her out ? Yeah, ya'll are all goody two shoes and on your high horses. Well, lot tea dah ! Man ! I share my whole life with ya'll and you'd think, I was some pervert. Well, let he who hasn't grinned, chunk the first beer bottle. Yeah, look whose calling the kettle a Goose ! This beats all I've ever seen ! Well, now you've done it ! Yep, you'll have to wait until tomorrow. My elbow hurts and I'm going to bed ! What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

We know what comes next cause we all know that Barney's motto is "you miss one and you're one behind". Or was it "bow legged or no legged"? Maybe " if their old enough to sit at the table, they're old enough to wear a napkin". I see lot lizard, Nurse Nancy porn in our future.

 

Is somebody gonna play Doctor soon...................

 

I'ma thinkin' Jacksonville is just not far enuf away from this wacko! Good luck Barney 'cuz your gona need it...

 

Sorry about not posting last night, but I was to pooped, to poop. Let's see, Duker, Rikdev50s, and Pjw044 are all accounted for, as Life Goes On.

We made good time and I was able to drop the US Mail off early. You know, before it's appointed time. Yep, it was one of them drop and hooks, so I got the BOL signed and grabbed an empty. The next assignment was a live load, but didn't pick up until the next morning. Now, it was just across the highway, so I decided to check and see. You know, maybe they'd load us early and.. Well, you know ! Anyway, it was one of them high security loads. Yep, the place had tall security fences, a guard shack, search lights, and what knots. Yep, the Rent A Pig called the warehouse, who called the office, who called the main office, who called the .. Well, whoever they called and I was screwed. Yep, I could back her on the dock, but couldn't wait there. Yep, they'd call TLX, when she was loaded, and they'd send me a Quail message. What a deal ! So, I dropped the empty at the dock door and bobtailed out the exit. There was a small independent truck stop, just a few exits down and a hot meal sure sounded good. I pulled the yellow knob and she farted a dusty toot. You know, from the graveled parking lot. There were fifty other Big Rigs parked all around and I was backed into the very rear. You know, the last row and mirror to mirror, with the others. Hot Legs had taken forty winks and was still holding down the bottom bunk.

I patted the curtain, " Hey girl ! Are you up ? "

There was a pause, " Where are we ? "

I filled her in, " I dropped that loaded trailer we had and spotted an empty one, just across from there. It won't be loaded until later tonight. They'll send me a message, over the Quail. Are you hungry ? "

Hot Legs opened the curtains, " I'm starved ! Where are we ? "

I pointed, " Big Red's Truck Stop and Family Restaurant ! Clean showers, drivers lounge, motel, and full service garage. Open 24 hours, seven days per week, and service with a smile. What a deal ! "

Hot Legs giggled, " It doesn't say, all of that ! Your a Hoot ! "

So, we sashayed over. No ! She wiggled and I sashayed. The diner was a bit crowded, but a booth opened, so we plopped down. Hot Legs helped the busboy collect the dirty dishes, while I gawked around. You know, checked out the place and looked for .. Well, whatever drivers look around for. We sat across from each other. No ! Not me and the busboy ! Hot Legs and I ! The waitress tossed our menus and poured us a hot cup. Hot Legs ordered the special, with fries, and I the number 5, with a baked potato. There was a metal jukebox mounted on the wall. You know, not a jukebox, but the coin box do hickey. You know, it has that glassed in roll a do hickey, that has the songs all listed. Hot Legs dropped in some coins and pressed the buttons.

She smiled at me, " What are you thinking about ? "

I lit up, " I'm just hoping, that trailer gets loaded and I can get moving. I hate having to wait around and ..."

Hot Legs took my hand, " Your not going to leave me here ! Are you ? "

I blew smoke, " Well, if your wanting a ride to Upper Michigan, that's fine with me, but ..."

She cringed, " Oh my God ! Look at your arm ! It looks awful ! "

I lifted it, " Oh, it's just swollen up a bit and ...."

So, as I was explaining, the waitress nosed in. Yep, she sided with Hot Legs and so did the busboy. Then the drivers all had to give their medical opinions. Yep, gang green, amputation, looked like uncle Ned's leg, when he stepped on that land mine, My cousin lost an arm that way, best thing for that is to suck out the poison, No, let a dog lick it. Then the others voiced their opinions. You know, it ain't nothing but a scratch, I've had worst hangnails, soak it ice. No, heat it with a pad and wrap it good. No, let the air get to it, put it in a sling,and keep it above your head. Wiggle your fingers, eat lots of garlic, keep it dry. No, soak it in saltwater, and blah, blah, blah. Then it was show and tell time. You know, everyone has at least one scar. Yep, knee surgeries, wart removals and back disc surgeries, in one line. The others displayed old gunshots and stab wounds. Hell, even the cook showed up and dropped his drawers. Yep, you guessed it ! A recent hemorrhoid operation, complete with stitches. Well, I'd sure heard and seen enough.

I excused myself, " Well, thanks for all the advice, but I need to get going. "

The Waitress reminded me, " You haven't gotten your order yet ! "

The Cook pulled up his drawers, " It won't be, but a minute ! "

Hot Legs, " Gee, you don't look so good ! "

So, Hot Legs escorted me out to Old Blue and tucked me in. No ! There was no hankie pain-key. I really was feeling bad and even running some fever. Hot Legs agreed to wake me up, if the Quail Bird sang. Yep, just a couple hours of sleep and I'd be like new. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Not lookin' like he's going to be gettin' rid of Hot Legs any time soon... With all that medical advice looks as if Barney needs some arm work.