Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

And now, Boat Mechanic.. I'd love to see you present a resume to a Fortune 500 company..

 

Kenmar the secret to a good resume is to lie like the devil and not get caught. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

My first customer backed a fancy bass boat through the open bay door. No, it was on a trailer and it was the front door. Anyway, I was holding a red shop towel. You know, a small grease rag and tried to look like I knew, what I was doing. The Customer was a middle aged guy, wearing a flowery shirt, shorts and flip-flops. You know, rubber shoes that expose your long toenails and flip, when you flop. He was over weight and had on an expensive Rolex, with a gold chain around his fat neck. Of course he was tanned and down here in Texas, our Decrmbers are like Mays elsewhere.

I cheesed, " How's it going ? "

The customer, " Not to good ! She has something making a racket in her lower end. I've only had her out twice and it's getting worse. "

I pointed, " Let me open the hood and take a look see. "

So, I spotted a couple of round knobs on either side the hood and a thumb latch in the center. Yep, I unscrewed and thumbed the latch. I mean, that sucker flew off there like a missle. Yep, it hit the floor, bounced twice, slid about twenty feet and spun in place.

The Customer, " ####, be carefull ! She's not even broke in yet ! "

I nosed the motor over, " Uh-huh, yeah, that looks ok, uh-huh, yeah, that's right, maybe it's ... No ! Looks good there. Now, does she do that all the time, or ... "

The Customer, " Yeah, and it's getting worse. Like I said, it's in her lower end and it's not ontop. "

I rubbed my chin, " Well, since she's brand new, I wouldn't think it's the main bearings, or ..."

The Customer pointed, " Down there in drive train ! If I leave her in neutral, she sounds fine. It's not in the engine. "

I lit a 100, " Well, hows her transmission fluid and does shift hard or hesitate between gears ? "

He rolled his eyes, " She's not an automatic ! It's in her lower end and most likely somethings come loose. Can't we just start her up and you can hear, what I'm talking about. "

So, that sounded good to me and I had him back her down the ramp. You know, I knew that boat motors needed water and starting them dry could cause problems. Yep, I was bent over the back and had found the throttle cable. Yep, I was reving her up and playing Mr Good Wrench.

I raised my thumb, " Go ahead and put her in gear. "

So, he did and I did. Yep, that baby took off like a shot and I did two summer salts, a back flip and a belly buster. What a deal ! Of course, the customer was caught by complete surprise and steered the thing right back inside the shop. Yep, sparks flew, as the propeller ground into the concrete floor. He made a right onto the gravel road and slid sideways, before stopping right in front of Hook's Bar and Grill. I sashayed, dog paddled, and sloshed my way over. Capt Hook had heard the ruckus and so had half the marina.

The Customer was a little upset, " #### Hook ! Who is that Idiot ? He #### near killed me and look at this ! That's a twelve thousands dollar rig and I haven't got ten hours on her ! "

Hook had to ask, " What happened Barney ? "

I lied, " It's the pigeon gear and it engaged the propeller ! "

Hook caught that, " You mean the pinion gear ? "

The Customer, " Hell, I put her gear and he told me to ! "

I gave the LOOK, " No, I didn't ! I said, come back here ! "

The Customer blinked, " Well, I misunderstood ! I swore, you raised your thumb and said, put her in gear. "

Hook grinned, " Well, it's not that bad. We can get her back to the shop and I'll call you later. Just leave your trailer here and don't worry about it. "

So, the customer drove off minus his trailer and we managed to get the piece of crap back to the shop.

Hook sat me down, " First, it's not a hood ! It's called a bonnet and their made out of fiberglass. Now, see that hose there ? This deal here attaches around there and it keeps the motor flushed with water. These motors aren't like cars. Well, they are sort of. They have batteries, starters, alternators, fuel pumps, and stuff like that. Now, see this here ? That's the lower end and it's what transfers the power to the propeller. It's like a transmission, but more like a power train option on a big rig. You with me ? "

So, I got my first lesson in small engine repair. Well, some of them weren't so small and they come in different types. You know, two stroke, four stroke, six stokes, a dollar. Some are oil gas mixtures, others are fuel injected, there's diesel and speed boats, ski boats, bass boats, life rafts, dead rats and so on. Yep, Ol' Hook knew his trade and took me under his wing. Now to be honest, I enjoyed getting my hands dirty and facing a challange. You know, there's nothing more satisfying than to be a problem solver. Yep Barney Goose, the man, with the golden wings,...err, hands. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Hilarious!

 

Thanks for the Snazzy points- you can give me the 50 back cuz Hubby never did make it home so I was able to keep up on Barney. Hubby is still sitting at Tyson in Ottawa waiting to be loaded, been sitting there since Friday!! Something about 70 other trucks in front of him but he did get loaded this morning thank goodness!

What a picture I got of Barney doing summer salts, back flips and the doggie paddle!!

 

Barney a problem solver??? OH OK it's yur story... LMAO Looks aas if Captn' Hook has his hands or should I say hook full with Barney...

 

Alright Headley here's your 50 back and tell Hubbo that hauling chickens requires the driver to wait. Yep, it takes time to hatch them eggs and let them chicks grow into roasting hens. What a deal ! I see that lilillill and Rikdev are still with us, so away we go with, as Life Goes On.

I plopped down on the toad stool and Capt Hook poured me a cup, " You got an early start. "

I sipped and lit up, " Early ? Hell, I haven't been to bed ! I had three call outs last night and didn't get a wink of sleep. "

Hook nodded, " Yeah, that Lady Rescue can keep you hopping. "

I gave the LOOK, " Captain, I've got two weeks of work backed up over there and between that and the Idiots wanting gas. Then, I have to play road side mechanic all night ! Hell, I just can't do it ! "

Hook shrugged, " We need that Lady Rescue, because it helps pay the bills. The advertising alone is worth it and we get lots of work making those calls. Trust me, it's a good deal ! "

I rolled my eyes, " No ! If I can't get work out of the shop and... Oh Crap ! Here I go again ! Lady Rescue, Goose speaking. How may I help you ? Uh huh, yeah, by the dam, and... yeah, a cabin cruiser, and you think it's out of gas. Well, do me a favor and check the gauge. Alright, I'll hold. ####, Idiot can't even read a gas gauge ! Can you believe this ? "

Hook shushed me, " He'll hear you. "

I didn't care, " I don't give a #### ! Where do these Idiots come from ? Yes, I'm still here and the needle is on E. Well, it sounds like your out of gas and it'll take me about 20 minutes to get out there. Alright, I'll see you then. "

Hook bit his cigar, " Barney, you need to watch that. Our customers come first and repeat business is important. "

So, I mumbled, stomped and sashayed, back to Lady Rescue. She looked like and was an old tugboat that had been painted white. Of course, ' Lady Rescue ' was displayed on her sides and an official looking light bar was mounted on her roof. No ! We didn't rescue folks but made trips out on the lake to get their boats running. Yeah, it was a National franchise and kind of like Tripple A except for boats. The early December morning had a bit of a nip to it and breezed across my windbreaker. The sun was slowly making it over the lake, as I headed due that away towards the #### dam. Now, if Lady Rescue had been my only task it wouldn't of bothered me. Yep, between it and trying to run that shop. Well, it was a bit much. Anyway, I spotted the cruiser and it was dead in the water, right where he said. You know, not far from the dam and .... Hmm, I wonder who she is ? "

She yelled, " That was fast ! How are you going to do this ? "

I pointed and tossed, " Wrap this around that pole and toss it back to me. "

She did, " Don't hurt yourself ! "

I jumped onboard, " I need to check your tank. Do you know where it's at ? "

She handed me the key, " It's back there and you'll need this to unlock it. "

I removed the cap and shined my pen light, " Yeah, she's bone dry and I'll need to stretch my hose over here. Did ya'll run the batteries down trying to start it, or do you know ? "

She shrugged, " My husband was the one who called and I was asleep down below. A couple stopped, just as he got off the phone and he rode in with them. Can I do anything to help ? "

I grumbled, " Just watch that hose and don't trip over it. I'll put enough in to get you back. I have to charge four dollars a gallon and it's a buck cheaper, back at the marina. "

She whipped it out, " My husband gave me this and said, that's all I need. "

I palmed the card, " Yeah, there's no service charge for me coming out, but the fuel will cost you, about twenty bucks. There that should do it ! Do you want to try and start her ? "

She looked shocked, " I don't know how and thought, that you would tow us in. Can you do that ? "

I wiped my mitts with the red grease rag, " No, I'm sorry. We only can tow in the ones that won't start. "

She smiled, " Well, if I can't start her, then tow away ! "

I was honest, " I'd like to tow you in, but I really can't. I have a dozen boats in the shop and I'm by myself. Say, what time will your husband be back ? I mean, can't you just wait for him ? "

She wrapped a scarf around her hair, " He was so pissed, when he left that he might not be back. Can you just give me a ride in and find someone to come get it later ? I'll pay, whatever it cost. "

So, I gave her a ride. Well, of course I made sure everything was ship shape and battened down, before we headed out. Now, I was a little confused. You know, she was friendly, but not on the make. Yep, every other word was about her husband. Yep, acccording to her, he was a senior partner, with Bend, Over, and Cry law firm. They were a high priced outfit in Dallas, that dealt mostly with tax issues of the rich and famous. Well, most of it was coporate law and .. Well, you know. Anyway, we were halfway back to the marina, before introducing ourselves.

She dug in her purse, " You do take Gold Card ? "

I blew smoke, " Yeah, but we can wait until later to settle up. Capt Hook takes care of the billing and I'm just the hired help. "

She offered her hand, " Oh, I'm Missy and is it Barney ? "

I puffed out my chest, " Just like the name tag says ! Barney, my last name is Goose. Barney Goose ! "

She nodded, " I'm so happy that you came out. I'd sure hate to be stuck out there all day. Oh, my last name is Wolf, my maiden name was She, so now I'm Missy She Wolf. Is that the marina ? "

I nodded, " Yeah, that's Hook's Marina. I guess, ya'll are out of the North Marina. Most of the .... Well, it caters to ... Uh, well, to the ... "

Missy giggled, " It's not a crime to have a few things and we're just regular people. My husband likes to put on, about having a little clout, but he's coming down to earth. I'm just your average gal and have been fortunate to be, where I am now. "

So, I tied off on the pier and helped Missy with her overnight bag. She wiggled and I sashayed over to Hooks Place. He was where I'd left him and was pouring the first day's beer.

I made the introductions, " Cap, this is Missy Wolf and here's her paperwork. She'll need someone to bring in her rig. It's over by the dam and all they need to do is putter back in. This is her Rescue card and all she owes is for five gallons of gas. I need to get back to the shop. Missy, it's been nice meeting you and Capt Hook here, will take good care of you. "

So, I sashayed off and that was that; or was it ? What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie Night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

That went too smoothe. Waiting for the other shoe to drop..

 

OOOOOHHHHHH what whoppers I could tell ya >>> but we ain't at the king so I will just say HI.... and wish you well

 

My God in Heaven, this has taken me almost a week of solid sit down time to read, my butt is sore! Snazzy, you are by far the most entertaining individual to read about. We all just sit here and laugh until we're about to pass out! You have a serious fan base up here in the Mile High! So, keep it coming and you guys and gals be safe out there!
---CK---

 

Let's have a Big Snazzy Welcome for Hillbilly Red who seems to quesion some of these true fiction tales. Well, here's 50 Snazzy points, because the Whoppers are free, but the fries cost extra. Colorado-k is new and sure knows how to butter me up and that's worth 150 points. Remember Snazzy points will be good for Preperation H and whatever else eases the pain. I see Kenmar is waiting for a shoe to fall, so let's see what happens, as Life Goes On. What a deal !

I was elbow deep in a Mercury outboard, when Sherry pranced in.

I did a double take, " Whose that with you ? "

Sherry released his hand, " This is Orvile and I have a favor to ask. My daughter is in labor and I need to be there. Can you watch him for me and I'll be back in no time. "

I sighed, " Sherry, I can't ! I've got customers waiting and ... "

Sherry teared up, " Your my last hope and I've tried everyone I know ! It won't take me that long and this will be her second. Their usually easier and quicker than the first. She's all alone and needs me to be there. Her husband is on his way. He works out of town and is picking his mother up. They'll be here in no time and as soon, as she delivers I'll come right back ! "

I glanced down, " How old is he ? "

He held up 5 digits, " I'm five and your a fart face. "

Sherry kissed him on the cheek, " Now you behave and mind Barney. You have my cell number, so call me if you need to. "

So, before I could protest anymore, Sherry pecked me on the lips and pranced out. What a deal ! I sized the kid up and he was about 3' foot tall, give or take a few inches, maybe 50 lbs, had blonde hair and looked a lot like Dennis the Meanest. You know, the funny paper kid. I tried to be nice.

I took his hand, " Do you like soda pop ? Let's go next door and get us a couple. "

He jerked away, " My Mom said, I'm not to go with strangers ! "

I knelt down, " I'm not a stranger, I'm your Uncle Barney and you can call me Barn. Oh, I never got your name. "

The Kid spat, " Where did Grammy go ? "

I cheesed, " She went to be with your mom and their going to bring you a surprise. Do you know what it is ? "

The Kid gave me the prune face, " My mom ate too much and her belly swole up. My dad said, that she might explode. "

I tried tact, " Well, I'm going nest door and you can stay here, but don't wake up that Lake Monster ! He eats little kids and ... "

The Kid, " There's no monster and your a liar ! "

I lit a 100, " Alright, you can stay here, but I'm going to have ice cream. "

The Kid perked up, " I want to go ! "

So, I sashayed and held the little guy's paw over to Hook's Bar. It was a little before noon and the only a handful of locals were there. I was surprised to see Missy still there and she spoke first, " Is this your Grandson ? "

I blew smoke, " No ! This is... ? Well, he's a friend of mines' grandkid and his mother is in labor. What are you still doing here ? "

Missy took a sip, " I decided to lease a slip here, since you and Capt Hook have been so nice. He and his Handyman went to get her. They should be back soon. "

A Barfly was behind the counter, " Can I get you anything Barney ? "

I sat the Kid on a stool, " He wants a scoop of icecream and bring me a Pep See. Oh, do you want chocolate, vannila, strawberry .."

The Kid, " I want panckes, with blueberry syrp ! "

I rolled my eyes, " Go ahead and fix him what he wants and .. Well, can you watch him for a few minutes. I need to ...."

The Barfly, " Sure, no problem ! What's his name ? "

I sashayed and mumbled, " Ask the litte prick. "

So, I high tailed it back to the shop, where two customers were there waiting for me. Luckily I had one ready to go and the other almost finished. It wasn't ten minutes later, when the Kid reappeared.

I had to ask, " How'd you get over here ? "

The Kid, " I finished my pancakes that man was mean to me ! I'm going to tell my daddy and he'll be sorry ! "

Missy wiggled in, " Oh, there you are ! That Mr Barfly was looking all over for you. I went to the ladies room and he was gone. "

I looked down, " Son, you need to mind and .. "

The Kid, " I want my Granny ! "

Missy knelt down, " I bet, you'll like a baby brother, or maybe a baby sister. Ouch ! He just bit me ! "

I gave the LOOK, " You tell her your sorry and ... "

The Kid, " I want my Granny ! "

Missy sucked her wound, " It's alright and .. "

I pointed, " You go sit down over there and tell her your sorry ! "

The Kid, " I don't have too and my dad is going to .... "

I was firm, " If your dad shows up, I'll tell him what you did and... "

Missy picked the brat up, " You just don't need to be bitting people and Crap, he did it again ! "

I lost it, " Here, let me have him. Listen, you little jerk ! I'm getting ready to smack you a good one ! Now, sit down here and keep your trap shut ! "

Missy took up for him, " He just doesn't know better and at that age... "

I gave the LOOK, " Well, he better learn fast, because I won't put up with it and I'll teach him real quick ! "

So, my baby sitting hadn't gotten off to a good start. I mean, I noticed right off that that Kid was... Well, not right in the head ! That, or never taught a #### thing. Yep, all I could do was wait for Granny and try not to ... Well, you know what I mean, as Life Goes On. What a deal !

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.