Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

GET A MOVE ON CAPT. GOOSE! WE'VE GOT FREIGHT TO MOVE. BULLY!

 

In the movie Pulp Fiction one of the characters mentions that he experienced a moment of clarity. That's kind of what happened to me. You know, there I was sitting at Kunts Point with Col Nuttier Than Hell. My newly assigned Century had been dented, scratched, and gutted. So,as I sat there in the sleeper a moment of clarity stuck me. Yep, it was like a bolt of lightening had lit up my inner thoughts. Yep, it was simple really. All Ed and Crook Jr, had done was to use me as their pawn to train the worst of the worst. They kept me strung along by bribing me, threatening me, and blowing smoke up my rear. So, I knew what had to be done and did it.

I sat in the copilots seat, " Here Wilbur ! That's her keys and you need to get us over to Pow Chemical. See here on the Atlas ? Just take the big road West and cut up here to Cat Piss, N.J. It's a preloaded trailer of Hazmat that goes to Atlanta. We're going to pretend that I'm not even here. Yep, your on your own and I want you to handle it."

Wilbur looked stunned, " You want me to drive ? I thought you said..."

I was me, " Oh no, Wilbur ! Your doing a bang up job and sure as hell don't need me looking over your shoulder. I just called Ed and your dad has invested heavily with TLX. Yep, even Crook Jr can't wait for you to finish your training and be apart of the team. "

Wilbur glowed, " I knew it ! I just knew it ! They finally realized what an asset I can be. Back when I saved ..."

I cut Wilbur short, " Now Col Wilbur, we're a little pressed for time. How about telling me about it on the way ? "

So, Wilbur fired her up, popped her clutch, as we headed out. Now, one of the oldest tricks at Kunts Point was the trailer wash scam. I almost fell for it my first trip there. Yep, just as you exited the rear gate a fella would flag you down. He'd be dressed up like a meat inspector. You know, he had on a white smock, with plastic white helmet, an official looking name tag, and carried a clipboard. The old hands knew better than to fall for it. Yep, it didn't make any sense, for food inspectors checking out empty trailers leaving. Oh sure, they might want to have a look see when you arrived, but .. Well, you know what I mean. Anyway, ole Col Pigeon was a con artist's dream.

The Phony Inspector flagged us over, " Driver ! You'll need to swing into that vacant lot and open up your trailer ! "

Col Wilbur looked over at me, " I hope this doesn't take long. Have they ever done this before ? "

I was honest. " Nope ! They've never inspected any of my empty trailers."

Wilbur took the bait, " I'll park over there officer and open her up ! "

So, I bit my tongue and watched as the pigeon plucking began. You know, it wasn't any skin off of my nose and Col Know It All needed a good feather dusting. Yep, I kind of enjoyed seeing a true con artist fleece Col Clueless.

The Inspector ran his con, " Look here, driver ! See that ! Those are melon mites and they've infested the whole inside of your trailer ! I'll have to put you out of service until she is fumigated ! "

Wilbur looked shell shocked, " You mean that I can't leave ? We're headed over to ..."

Inspector Con was good, " Noway ! Those melon mites are known to spread like wild fire ! You'll have to get an EPA approved exterminator out here to deal with them ! Do you know who to call ? "

Col Sucker took the bait, " No sir, I'm not from around here and ..."

Con reeled him in, " I can call one out for you and they can be here in a few minutes. Now, you'll have to settle up with them and agree on a price. I'm not allowed to get involved with any of that. "

Col Baited Breath was hooked, " Man ! I sure appreciate you helping me out and knowing who to call. Will they accept a credit card ? "

Con Artist yanked on the line, " I can't say for sure, but I do know that they'll accept cash. I'll use my cell phone and find out. "

So sure enough, in less than ten minutes an old beat up van pulled up, as Act Two began. The other actor was well rehearsed and dressed for his role. He was wearing an old army poncho, rubber boots, and had on a World War One gas mask. I was really impressed with the old rusty fire extinguisher that he carried. You know, the old hand pump type that no one ever sees anymore. Yep, it was getting good and I had to snicker under my breath, as Col Butt Head got reamed. The actor on cue climbed in and began spraying away.

Col Screw Loose had to ask " Is that stuff toxic ? I mean, how long does it take before I can leave ? "

Gas Mask had all of the answers, " Get back driver ! These fumes can be deadly and see this ! That white residue is what kills those melon mites. You'll need to have your trailer power washed out and have all it removed, before you leave. I've got your bill filled out and it comes to $450 ! "

Col Done For whipped it out, " Just put it on my card and ..."

Gas Mask turned ugly, " I can't take a credit card ! You'll have to pay in cash and that's all that I can accept ! "

Col Pigeon Lips counted his cabbage, " I've only got $212 on me. Barney, how about you ? "

I rolled my eyes, " I'm flat broke and don't have a dime to my name ! "

The Inspector piped in, " Hey Gas Mask, these guys seem alright. How about cutting them a little slack ? "

Gas Mask over acted, " I can't cut that bill any ! Tell you what ! You drivers always have CBs, or something worth ....

I'd heard enough, " Forget it ! Take his $200 and call it even ! "

Con Inspector blinked, " That's what I was thinking ! Come on Gas Mask, I'll owe you one. "

Gas Mask knew the gig was up, " Alright ! I'll take his $200, but I'll probably lose my job. Well, I got to get going. Here's your receipt and I marked it paid in full. "

So, Gas Mask sped away, as Col Screwed & Tattooed shook the Phony Inspectors hand. I just shut the trailer doors and mounted the shotgun seat. Wilbur fired her up and I waited awhile before breaking the bad news.

I lit up, " Say, Wilbur ? Do you think that those guys were on the up and up? I mean, something just didn't feel right ! ?

Col Dim Witt still didn't get it, " That FDA Inspector was a nice guy ! That Exterminator didn't want to cut us any slack, but ...."

I couldn't take it anymore, " Wilbur ! You just got taken for a ride ! That Idiot isn't any more of an Inspector than you are ! The whole thing was a setup and you should of known it ! "

Wilbur ground a gear, " What do you mean ? I saw his ID badge and ..."

I ran it down, " Look ! For five bucks you can get any ID card you want and it'll look real too ! Now, think about it ! What kind of Inspector would be doing inspections in a vacant parking lot ? Especially on an empty trailer and another thing ! Where was his car at ? You know, he was just standing out there all alone by himself ! Then, melon mites ? Melon mites ! Have you ever heard of melon mites ? "

Wilbur was Wilbur, " Sure ! Melon mites are real common down in South America ! Back when ...."

I tried again, " OK ! OK ! Lets say, there is such a thing ! Did you see any ? Did the receiver refuse the load ? Hell no ! That's because there weren't any and even if there was ! What good ..."

Wilbur thought he had me, " Well, answer me this ? How did he know that we hauled watermelons ? See ! He knew ..."

I blew smoke, " You think that maybe he saw some of those broken ones the lumpers left in there ? I bet a blind man could of smelled them ! Then what about he calls and five minutes later his buddy shows up ? Yeah sure, there has be a hundred exterminators just waiting for those melon mite calls. Yep, right in the middle of Ghetto New York ! You were conned and that's all there is to it ! "

Col Wilbur laughed, " I have the receipt right here ! Ed will reimburse me and it's for $450 ! I only paid $200 and...."

I snickered, " Ed won't pay a dime of that ! Are you nuts ! I mean, just to get TLX to pay for a tail light it takes an act of congress. I bet if you call that number, they've never heard of Rucker's Exterminating ! You've been played like a fiddle and that's that ! "

Col No Brains smirked, " Well ! They fooled you too ! So, your just as dumb as I am ! "

I smirked back, " No, I knew the whole time and I'm not the one out $200 bucks ! Wilbur ! Your problem is..... Oh, never mind ! "

So, I left it at that and retreated back to the sleeper. Yep, I kept starring where the microwave once sat, under the long gone color tv, that reminded me of my missing CB, that kept the Quail Comm company, that... Well, you what I mean, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

So... I loaded in Houston this morning and on my way out, I saw an old PST trailer (I could tell by the red stripes). Only, instead of the big PST logo, it said TLX... whatta ya know... some of these truer than fiction tales are more true than fiction. Eh, Snazzy?

Looked like one of those South-of-the-Border trucks pulling it... ya know... complete with a big cow-catcher over the grill and a gold plated Jesus on the hood... oh, and beat to hell! Sounds like your old Century got shipped south and began a new life back in the states some time later. LOL

 

First, let's have a big Snazzy welcome for dollylama, who is going to attempt to read this whole thread. Yep Snazzers, I bet we don't hear from dolly again for at least six months. I see that Big Duker posted a photo of Col Wilbur and Pjw044 is still with us. What a deal, as Life Goes On.


The jolt cut my nap short, as I sat up in the bottom bunk and tried to sense what was going on. Just as I stood attempting to poke a leg into my jeans the second jolt knocked me to the floor. So, I slithered into them from a prone position and managed to crawl out from the sleeper. Col Wilbur was busy grinding gears, as I plopped down in the copilots seat. I immediately spotted the problem and decided to share my views with Col Non Driver.

I spoke calmly, "Hey Wilbur, I wouldn't try pulling up anymore. It sounds like she's scrapping the roof. Where are we ?"

Wilbur hadn't a clue, "I took the exit and turned right, just like it said ! So, I'm going the right way !"

I buttoned up my shirt, "Well, that's good. So, what are you going to do ?"

Wilbur guessed, "Can I put her in low and try to pull up ?"

I shrugged, "I don't know ! Remember, I'm not even here, so don't ask me."

Wilbur ground low gear, "See ! We'll make it ! Just a little more and I'll be clear. Oh crap ! We're stuck !"

I agreed, "Yep, she's wedged in pretty good. Maybe you should put on the flashers and take a look see ?"

So, Col Wilbur pulled out the yellow knob and made his exit. I tried to keep my seat, but I couldn't resist. Yep, Ole Wilbur had tried to go under a 13', 2" bridge, with our 13', 6" rig. What a deal ! I stood there with my arms folded and taking it all in. Let's see, both chromed smoke stacks were folded back, the top of the trailer had a deep gash, and her rear tractor tires looked half flat. Yep, it was a sight to see. Anyway, it wasn't long before the State Trooper pulled up. He had on his bubblegum machine and parked behind the trailer.

The Angry Bear growled, "What's wrong with you ? Can't you read ? You've got traffic backed up for five miles !"

Wilbur bit back, "It isn't my fault ! I was going by the Road Atlas..."

The Bear snapped, " Road Atlas ! That hasn't got a thing to do with it ! That bridge is marked properly and you ignored the height limit ! It's in the middle of rush hour and I'll have to shut down all of this Westbound traffic. Now, how do plan on getting her out of there ?"

Wilbur had a plan, " I'll just unhook and drop the trailer. See, that way the trailer will lower and be able to clear..."

The Bear heard enough, "What good will that do ? Do you even have a CDL? What's wrong with you ? Are you on drugs ? I've got a good mind to just run you in ! What about you ? Do you have any bright ideas ?"

I shook my head, " Nope ! Well maybe, but I'm not sure you'd want to...."

The Bear was all ears, " Look ! It'll take a good two hours for a heavy duty wrecker to get here in this traffic. Now, if you have a way to get things moving. Well, get after it ! "

So, I did. Yep, I had Ole Wilbur help me let some air out of the tires.Then I had the Bear clear the traffic out from behind us. I eased her into reverse and slowly made my way back. I managed to get far enough onto the shoulder, so we weren't blocking any lanes. I set out the safety triangles and left on the emergency flashers.

The Bear was impressed, "You did good ! At least they can get by now. I'm still going to cite your partner for disregarding a traffic control sign and obstructing a public roadway. Is he all there ?"

I grinned, "No, he's a certified nut ! That company I'm with will hire anyone who has a valid CDL. I'm suppose to be his trainer, but you can't train an Idiot! Yep, this is my last time out doing that."

The Bear understood, "Well, I feel for you and your braver than I am. Where are you guys headed off to now ?"

I dropped the bomb, "We're picking up a load at Pow Chemical that delivers in Atlanta."

The Bear cringed, "Your not going to let that nut behind the wheel with something hazards ! If you are, I'm going to evacuate the entire state !"

I laughed, " Well, start evacuating then, because he sure is !"

The Bear laughed, "Oh, I get it ! Your pulling my leg ! Well, thanks for your assistance and I wish you luck !"

So, the Bear handed the Col his driving awards and bid us farewell. We had to wait until the traffic thinned out, before I could back up and get us turned around. Finally, I made it to Pow Chemical and pulled the fart knob. Wilbur had kept a low profile in the sleeper.

I knocked on the sleeper door, " Hey Wilbur, Wilbur, come on out, we're here, Wilbur come out and play."

Wilbur looked scared, " Look, Mr Goose ! I know your upset with me and I can understand why. But, I didn't mean to..."

I cheesed, " Mad ? I'm not upset with you. Hell, that could happen to any of us. Shoot, TLX doesn't care about it, so why should I ? Now, you'll need to call our safety department and report that incident. I took some good pictures of the damage and you've got that accident report. So, everything is just peachy ! We'll just drop this empty trailer here and find our loaded one. Yep, we're doing just fine. "

Col Wilbur smiled, " I guess my dad must of made a phone call. He's pretty good at setting things right. Well, like you said, I'm doing alright. You know, I'm really getting the hang of things. "

So, Col Arrogant A Hole, fell into my trap. Yep, my plan was taking shape and it only needed to be fine tuned. The only sticking point left for me to figure out, was how to survive. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

In Brooklyn NY bridges are posted as 12'6" and a 13'6" will fit under. It really sucks because a driver does not know what the real height is. Everytime I go under one of those bridges I get another gray hair. I go to Kunts Point and NYC about twice a month, so I have a nice collection of gray. What's the real deal on the $20 entrance fee at ####'s Pt. Please help a driver save $20. Sandlapper

 

Yep lilillill, some of these tales are truer than fiction and I read somewhere that PST was bought out by one of the other major carriers. To be honest, I'm happy PST isn't around anymore. They'd of made these crooked outfits look reputable. Glad to see your counting the white lines again and stay safe out there. Sandlapper, if memory serves me, I'm thinking that back then the free pass was purchased by the company. You know, something like for an annual fee of $100, gave you unlimited access. I remember there being a sticker on the windshield and a little card we carried. They may not offer that anymore since 911, but it sure wouldn't hurt to ask. Great hearing from the both of you, as Life Goes On.

I dropped the empty trailer and wired a red tag onto the service air line. Yep, Col Crash had peeled back a good half foot of expensive metal roof. Anyway, I spotted our hazmat load and backed under her.

I rolled her legs up, " See this ? That's your paperwork, so go ahead and do your pretrip. "

Col Wilbur had to ask, " Why are those signs on there ? Explosive ? What do those numbers mean ? Is that suppose to be a mushroom cloud ? "

I pulled my jeans out of my crack, " Oh that ? Those are just placards to let folks know your hauling some hazardous material. Now, all you need to remember is to be careful ! Yep, if you top this out... Well, just don't go under any low bridges ! Oh, you can't go off route and don't go into any tunnels. Oh, one of us has to stay with the truck at all times. What else ? Oh, you can only park in designated areas. What else ? "

Wilbur turned pale, " Wait a minute ! This sounds like it's dangerous and I'm not sure we should take it. Maybe we should call Ed ! "

I rolled my eyes, " Call Ed ? What for ? We both have hazmat endorsements and TLX is legal to haul this stuff. Yep, we're good to go, unless your afraid to do it. "

Wilbur was Wilbur, " Afraid ? Hell ! This can't be anymore dangerous than the time I ...."

I cut him short, " Just tell me on the way ! "

So, Col Full Of It, filled the cab with more bull hockey, as he ground the gears. I tuned him out and retreated back to the sleeper. I slit the bunk mattress with my utility knife. You know, just enough to slip my arms and legs through. My motorcycle helmet fit me perfectly, as did my heavy rubber gloves. The steel toed shoes would protect my feet and the cotton in my ears should keep my eardrums from bursting. Yep, I was ready, but it was the waiting around that got to me. I finally decided to join the soon to be departed and tried to take my seat. Of course my mattress wouldn't fold right, so I just kind of leaned over the shotgun seat. Col Fibber was still jaw jacking and it took him a minute to notice me.

Col Wilbur gave me the look, " What are you wearing ? "

I tried to act normal, " Oh, this old thing ? It's my mattress and it's easier to wear it like this. You know, I can plop down now and sleep anywhere. Yep, it's comfortable too. "

Wilbur bought it, " Hey that is a good idea ! But, what's with the helmet and those gloves ? "

I wiggled my fingers, " These are nice ! Their heavy duty and keep my hands young looking. This helmet has a fold down tinted screen. See ! Yep, that keeps my eyes shielded from the gamma rays. "

Wilbur tried to be nice, " Mr Goose ! Please don't take this the wrong way, but you look a little silly. It makes you look like Sponge Bob ! "

I laughed, " Wilbur, your a Hooooo.....Watch Out ! "

So, Wilbur fought the wheel, as we slid sideways down the Interstate. The first one we hit just bounced off and slid back. The second one was the humdinger ! Yep, it kind of lifted us up and wedged itself under the front axle. I braced myself and did the old duck and cover. You remember, like back in grade school, during the cold war. Anyway, we ended up facing the way we had come from. Now, the trailer was in front of us and tilted kind of on it's side, but still standing. I leaped out and landed on my back. Yep, just like a turtle, I couldn't get up to save my life. The raindrops slowly covered my face shield, making it difficult to see out. I could hear the sirens approaching and that's when it hit me. Yep, I thought of everything except, what mother always told me. Well, maybe the explosion would hide the fact, that I wasn't wearing clean underwear. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

See since I am originally from Long island N.Y. up until 3 years ago, I can tell you the story about New York Bridges. Oh I gues it happened Just before I got into trucking.
See the city of new york is in charge of them signs. Now what happens is that trucks were hitting the bridges. The owners would say hey the sign says 13' 6 or 14' what have you. Well the dummy's would pave the roads over the exsisting black top, and yep you guess it. The road took a new high. Now The owners would say hey your sign is wrong.

So the city of new York said #### and from now on subtract a foot to that sign. Now the question is why you getting them grey hairs

Well ready hold on to your air seat. No one knows how many times they repaved the roads since I was going over them roads, and when they re did them signs. (note MA Monsters years in trucking
)
When I was hauling gasoline there, I didn't have to worry about the bridges, cause I was going to Brooklyn, and back out on the Island.

Now hope I made you feel better about them bridges. I would get that gree-cian formular stuff for you hair to fill in the color. Cause that mayor Bloomberg isn't going to do anything about them signs

God Bless

 

I pretty much look for other trucks going under the bridge before I do. If I dont see another truck I pull under the bridge to the CB antenna and then get out and look. The fact that the signs are not accurate completely undermines my respect for them. It is what it is though. It's just one of those things that you can talk about after you have experienced it. I do like the challenge of driving through the boroughs but I dont like the tolls. I could retire comfortably with a couple hours worth of GWB tolls. I dont really worry about the gray's I worked hard to get them.

 

Snazzy, got to page 17 of these threads!! Am quite fascinated by the stories, and am quite proud of myself getting this far already with my 6 year old granddaughter running around! She'll be gone after tommorrow, and I WILL become current on this saga before I leave for driver training school in NC in 2 weeks!! Carry on, dolly....

 

Dolly, Its a great read, I was glued to my laptop for 3 days straight when I discovered Snazzy's truer than life tales. It gets better the further you go.