Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

YEP, HOUSTON DURING RUSH HOUR IS LOOKING REAL GOOD ABOUT NOW.

 

Back in Dallas, Ed and Crook Jr were right on top of things. Yep, they were in Ed's office huddled over the speaker phone and playing guess that tune.

Ed spoke first, " It sounds kind of like a train, or ..? "

Junior jumped in, " No ! That's not a train ! It sounds like a blender, or maybe a shredder ? That's it ! They put Barney in a shredder ! "

Ed agreed, " Your right ! Like in that movie, Fargo ! Yeah ! Their shredding up his remains and ..."

Junior hushed Ed, " Wait ! Hear that ? That's a woman's voice ! She's singing, but that's not English, it's Spanish ! This is weird ! Some lady is shredding up Barney and singing at the same time. Man ! "

Ed recapped, " Like I told you earlier ! I was talking to Barney and he said, that someone was at the door. Then it sounded like a scuffle and then it went quiet. It was a little while later when that noise started up. You think that we should call the cops ? "

Junior thought about, " No ! Barney can handle himself ! Have you tried calling that motel ? "

Ed was honest, " I called down there and they said, that Barney checked out. Maybe, he's on his way to the truck and will call us. "

So, the two Einsteins decided to sit on their butts and didn't do anything. Nope, they didn't report the truck stolen, or that I was missing. All they did was listen until my cell phone batteries went dead. Yep, the motel maid never spotted it under the bed. That's where it had landed when the door was forced open. Yep, right next to two dust bunnies and a lost penny, my cell phone was taking it all in.

Meanwhile, back at the barn in Laredo, Hector the gorilla and I did a walk around. The trailer was already locked up tight, so I just did a quick pretrip inspection and loaded up my gear. The old Freight Shaker wasn't in bad shape and looked pretty decent. She was hooked up to a newer TLX trailer. You know, a 53' footer, dry van, with large TLX lettering all around. Of course, I didn't know what Ed, or Junior were up to. I mean, as far as I knew, they probably did report the rig as stolen. But, what did I know ? Yep, I was just a lonely driver with an ape as my guide. Now, Hector the ape wasn't all that bad. I mean, he was just following orders and didn't seem to be a psychotic nut case. I pushed in the knob and slowly pulled out into the Texas heat. Hector sat shotgun, holding his snub nosed .38 and sweating like a pig.

Hector spoke first, " All you have to do, is get us there, without getting caught. Alex even gave me your cut and I'll let you have it, as soon as we're unloaded. Just don't do anything stupid ! "

I knew better, " Sure ! Ya'll are going to let me go and spill my guts about all of this ? Come on ! I'm not that stupid ! "

Hector swore, " It's the truth ! If Alex wanted you dead, he'd already killed you. Your boss Calvin is who screwed this up and I bet he remembers, from now on. A deal ! Is a deal ! "

So, I steered the rig down the graveled road and studied my options. Let's see, I could try the old jump and run. You know, leap from my seat and try to out run the ape's bullets. Or, maybe just drive normal and hope that we make it. You know, not getting stopped by some nosy bear, or being pulled in at a chicken coop. Ooops, what about those roving check points ? Man, and if the rig was reported stolen ? Yep, every cop in the state would be looking for us. Hmm ! I couldn't call for help and my laptop wasn't an option. Well, maybe I could man handle the ape. Yep sure, all he had was a gun, a knife, and was twice my size. Well I bet, if I was to give him the ole Barney one, two. You know, float like a bee, and sting like a butterfly.

Hector interrupted my thoughts, " Your not thinking about doing something stupid are you ? "

I lied, " No ! I was just thinking about all of them senior eat ease back there. I bet, some of them are just looking for some action. Yep, they'd probably do about anything to be riding up here. Man ! All crunched up back there like sardines and it's got to be hot. Yep, we could pick out a couple of them tender, young, sweet, sexy gals, and have us a good time. Hell ! There might even be some virgins back there ! "

Hector rubbed his privates, " Man ! You think so ? I did see one of them that sure looked fine. She even smiled at me ! "

So, I planted the seed of temptation and hoped that it would grow. Yep, a naked, unarmed, unsuspecting, limp peckered, all spent gorilla, would be easier to handle. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

All right. The old fluid removal method. Hope he picks a good hot one. Can't wait. Barney verses man with no lead left in pencil.

 

No lead in his pencil ? That's a good one Big Duker, as Life Goes On.

I hung a left on the blacktop and kept my eyes open for any signs of trouble. You know, bears, border patrol agents, and what knots. Hector the Ape sat in deep thought and kept combing back his slicked hair.

I had to ask, " Do you want me to hit IH 35, or take US 59 ? "

Hector pointed, " Keep going straight and there's a turn off up ahead. We'll hold up there, until after dark and then take 59. Say ! This is a nice rig and it sure rides nice. How long have you been driving ? "

I double clutched, " I started driving in the oilfields back in the early 70's. Yep, I've been doing this for awhile. How about you ? Have you ever driven one of these ? "

Hector sulked, " My parents were crop pickers and worked the fields all over the states. They raised 10 of us doing that and never made enough to even feed us. I use to watch those big rigs come and go. Hell, I dreamed about doing that, but nothing ever changes ! You Americans are so greedy and lazy that without us your whole country would starve. "

I agreed, " Your right Hector and it's a shame that it's like that. But hey, somethings are getting better. So, were you born here ? "

Hector changed the subject, " Hey ! That's enough about me ! You need to worry about getting us there and remember, don't be getting any bright ideas ! "

So, I drove and kept my mouth shut. You know, I figured to let time tell me what to do. Well, just as the sun was setting, Hector pointed out a small rest area for me to pull into. I pulled the fart knob and gander around checking things out. It was one of those spots that just had a couple of cement picnic tables, with litter barrels, and barely room for the rig. There wasn't a soul around and the only sound was the diesel cat's roar.

Hector pointed his snub nose, " Get out on this side and don't try anything funny. "

I promised, " Hey ! Your the boss and whatever you say goes ! "

So, we sashayed back. Well you know, I sashayed and he shuffled back to the trailer. He handed me the key, so I unlocked the padlock, and swung open one door. A hundred frightened eyes stared down, as Hector the Ape rattled off his demands. Yep, I didn't understand a word of it, but they sure did. Yep, a young shapely girl, wearing not much, was handed down. Once she was at eye level, I did a double take. Man ! She was awfully young and half scared to death. Anyway, Hector had me relock things back and then return to the cab. I sat behind the wheel, as Hector shoved his victim into the sleeper. He then plopped down in the copilot's seat and yanked off his size 14" inch boots.

The Ape set down the rules, " I'm going to bust her cherry ! If you want sloppy seconds.."

I protested, " Are you nuts ? That girl cant be 12 years old ! Man ! You better think about.."

The Ape got testy, " Hey Man ! What's your problem ? She's old enough and what's the difference ? She'll be married by the time she's 13 ! "

I rolled my eyes, " That's different and you know it ! Now, it's one thing to be smuggling in these folks, but I draw the line here ! "

The Ape pointed his snub nose, " Don't push your luck with me ! I'm doing you a favor ! Now, what's it going to be ? "

I tried bluffing, " You can't shoot me ! If you do, whose going to drive ? "

Hector Ape thought about it, " Alright ! You don't want to drive ? We'll see about that ! Come on ! Let's go for a little walk ! "

So, Ole no boots, sock wearing, hairy Hector Ape, took me for a walk. Yep, this sure wasn't looking good, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Lets see---what would my hero MAXWELL SMART do in this case...........
.....hummmmmmmmmmmmmm ?????????????????

 

Yep pjw044, I remember Maxwell Smart and that agent 99 was sure a knock out. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Hector nudged me in the back with the business end of his .38, as we made our way. I did the one hand salute towards the Western sky to shield my eyes from the sinking red ball. Yep, it was a magnificent sight to see and I hoped it wouldn't be my last. Hector directed me back past the cement tables and into a dried out creek bed. The gully hid us from view and limited my chances for escape. Yep, my only choice was to run straight ahead, or be an easy target trying to scale up the sides. Of course, one other option was to try the old spin and grab. You know, swing around and catch the Ape off guard. Yep, he wasn't but a couple of steps behind me. So, I glanced over my right shoulder and BOOM ! The blast lifted me up off the ground, knocking me off my feet and left me stunned. I'd always heard that a person shot dead would never hear the shot. Yep, a bullet travels faster than sound, so that meant I wasn't dead yet. I tried to move, but a high pitched tone rang thru my ears and my body was numb. What a deal ! At a far distance there were muffled voices echoing words that didn't make any sense. Yep, it took me a minute to pull myself together and shake off the cobwebs. The small cool pebbles sank between my fingers, as I pushed up sitting in shock and awe. The bushes were closing in on me and it was like a scene from the Wizard of Oz.

The Bush spoke, " Are you alright ! "

I answered, " WHAT ? "

The Bush spoke louder, " ARE YOU ALRIGHT ? "

I was confused, " DO I NEED A LIGHT ? "

The Bush screamed, " YOU'LL BE JUST FINE ! "

I yelled back, " YEAH ! A GLASS OF WINE SOUNDS GOOD ! "

So, after an hour of being poked and prodded, I was released by the pair of medics and interviewed. Yep, I got my ringing ears full of the latest news about what was going. There was a full sized Greyhound bus parked next to my rig and it was like a spacecraft inside. You know, video screens covering the walls, microphones everywhere, radars bleeping, micros waving, and do-dads all over. The Big Cheese in charge was dressed in camouflaged fatigues and was all business.

Big Cheese began, " I'm agent Big Cheese and you must be Barney Goose. First, let me commend you on how well you handled yourself. I see here that you once were a police officer. That's good ! Now, I guess your wondering what's been going on here ? "

I pulled the cotton out, " YEAH ! A BEER WOULD BE NICE ! "

Big Cheese continued, " We arrested one of your TLX drivers, let's see. His name is Calvin Crud ! Anyway, he came clean and we got enough to get a federal wire tap on that motel. That led us to the ring leader Alex and his associates. We've arrested Alex, along with that motel manager, and his coyote Jose. You know ! If we hadn't been here and fired those stun grenades. Well, you know ! Anyway, everything worked out just fine and dandy. Now, Hector the Gorilla can join them and their facing more years than they can handle. What's wrong ? "

I was honest, " My ears just popped ! Oh ! How did ya'll know where we were at and why didn't you arrest them sooner ? "

Agent Big Cheese explained, " Well ! To be honest about it, we didn't know at first who all was involved. You understand ! We also had planned to wait until you arrived in Houston, but we had to act sooner. You know, he was going to kill you and we couldn't let that happen. Oh, we had that truck under satellite surveillance every since it was parked in that barn. "

I had to ask, " If he was going to kill me and I'm sure that he was. Well, who was going to drive to Houston ? "

Big Cheese gave me the look, " I guess, one of the illegals ? There were a couple of them back there with Texas CDL's ! We're going to try and find out who issued them. But hey ! They give the intrastate test in Spanish and all it takes is a fake green card ! "

I shook my head, " Hell ! They didn't even need me then ! All of that for nothing and what for ? "

Agent Cheese disagreed, " For nothing ? I don't think it was over nothing ! They charged $1,000 per head and that comes to over sixty grand ! Then those companies that hire them. They save millions not having to pay a decent wage, or taxes. Yep, it's a money making deal, but their luck runs out sooner, or later. Yep, they only needed you to drive, because your white and that bettered their chances of not being stopped. "

I stood up to leave, " Well ! If I'm free to go, I'd like to get headed out. "

Cheese shook my hand, " You can sign for that rig and we'll notify you, if we need you for court. Oh ! Someone is here to see you ! "

So, I signed for the rig and met with my visitors. Yep, it was the young girl and her mother, whose words I didn't understand. But hey ! Sometimes hugs and eyes speak louder than words, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

That was a wonderful story. It is great that you followed your heart. It's good to hear that you really enjoy what you do. If you don't like your job than you will never be happy in life. It's good that you really enjoy what you do. Keep up the good work. I know truck drivers are very hard workers.

 

Yup--just like ol' Maxwell Smart planned....

 

First a REALLY, REALLY, BIG, SNAZZY WELCOME, for TruckerGirl76. Now, none of you male Snazzers need to check out her profile, which includes a very, very, very, nice picture. Yep, some driver named Mark is one lucky dog, as Life Goes On.

I pulled the fart knob and sashayed into Ed's office. I had updated him over my cell phone, before retuning to Dallas. Yep, the Border Agents had recovered it from the motel and after a good charging it worked just fine. Crook Jr spotted me and followed me in. Ed was on two phones and fingering his keyboard at the same time.

Jr spoke first, " Hey Barney, Ed told me about what happened. I'm glad that you made it back and I have another problem that needs looking at. "

I took a seat, " What is it this time ? No ! Let me guess ! Let me see, some driver is doing something illegal ? No ! That can't be it. Maybe...."

Jr interrupted me, " This is serious Barney ! I've got a driver that was put out of service up near Boston. I need you to fly out there and see what you can do. How soon can you leave ? "

I gave Jr the look, " Leave ? I just got back and need sometime off. I mean, isn't there someone else that can handle it ? "

Jr slapped my back, " Your my main man, Barney ! Now, this won't take you long, just fly up there and take care of it. "

So, I did. Well, after I called a taxi to drive me to the airport. Yep, my company car was still parked there. Anyway, I got boarded and flew nonstop to Bean Town. The flight ran into some turbulence halfway there, but by then I really didn't care. Yep, I'd guzzled down at least ten high balls and wasn't feeling any plane.., err pain. There was a swank Hotel right at the airport, so I checked in and made myself at home. Yep, it had one of those mini bars filled with assorted spirits. Yep, Life Was Good ! Hiccup ! Well, after a few more drinks I decided to check things out. You know, I fired up my laptop and fingered some keys. Yep, the TLX rig showed up on the GPS screen, as being parked, about an hours drive North of Logan. I also pulled up the driver's personnel file. Let's see, his name was Dexter and he had been employed at TLX for about eight months. He showed one minor backing mishap and two equipment violations. There were no infractions for missed loads, nor any untimely deliveries. Yep, overall ole Dexter didn't appear to be a screwup. At least by TLX standards. Junior had given me a phone number to call, so I dialed it.

Ring, ring, " Hello ? "

I was all business, " Dexter ? This is Barney Goose and I'm with TLX ! I was sent up here to ..."

Dexter jumped right in, " Ed said, that you'd call me. Where are you at ? "

I took a swig, " I'm here at the Login, err Log Inn, err Law Grin, Logan air part, err port. Crap ! Logan airport ! Hiccup ! Where are you at ? "

Dexter fessed up, " I'm right off IH 95, at exit 45, in room 12, at the motel here. The truck is about 20 miles from me, on the reservation. "

I had to ask, " Do what ? A reservation ? Who made a reservation ? "

Dexter came clean, " That's what I got in trouble for ! I was off the truck route and got stopped by the tribal police. They put me out of service and said, that I have to pay for the damage. "

I caught that, " What damage ? "

Dexter paused, " The bridge they claimed that I went over. It's not damaged, but they want $5,000, to give me back the truck. "

So, I fully understood everything and informed Dexter to stay put. Yep, I was two sheets to the wind and really didn't care. You know, he wasn't going anywhere and I sure wasn't in any hurry. Yep, it could all wait until in the morning and that would give me time. You know, time to guzzle down a few more and study on the matter. I zoomed in on the Giggle Map and got an aerial view. Well, it was the old style software that allowed you to see still photos of the area. Anyway, it gave me an idea of what I was looking at. No ! It wasn't in real time, so no truck was in the picture. Well, you know what I mean. Anyway, I drank until pink Elsie showed up and called it a night. The bed spun me to sleep and at the crack of 10 am, I was on my way. Yep, I rented a sedan and drove North on the 95, to the 45 exit. I parked and sashayed over to room #12, where Dexter was waiting. We then followed the Giggle directions, given by my laptop, that showed us the way. You know, turn right, go left, up this hill, down that way, over here, over there, and your here. Yep, we were as lost as the Donner Party and about as desperate. Yep, a pretty good snow began to fall and it caught me off guard. I mean, it was a 80 degrees in Dallas, when I left, and below freezing up there. Anyway, we finally found a turnoff that Dexter recognized. It was a small two lane that kept getting smaller and wound thru a dense forest.

I gave Dexter the look, " How the hell, did you end up out here ? Man ! This is in the middle of nowhere ! "

Dexter defended himself, " I got loaded at that shipper and was trying to get back to the main road. It was dark by then and I got lost. The next thing that I knew. Hold it ! That's it, over there ! "

I agreed, " That's it alright ! How do I get over there ? "

Dexter pointed, " If you keep going, there's a bridge that you take. That's it over there ! See it ? "

I saw it, " You drove over that ? No wonder they're pissed off ! You never should had crossed over that ! Man ! "

So, I gingerly idled over the crappy old bridge. It must of been built by the Pill Grams back during the witch hunting days. It moaned and groaned, as our four wheeler rolled across. Once we made the other side, I breathed a sigh of relief and got out to bleed my lizard. It was trying to hide in the barn, so my cold fingers pried it out. Yep, I was standing there with my pecker hanging out, when the tribal police swung in. He was in an old hard top Jeep that had markings on the doors. I head nodded over a greeting and shook my dong twice. The Jeep windows were fogged over with icy dew, making it difficult for me to see in. The window slowly rolled down and man was I surprised.

I tried to act natural, " Hey ! How's it going ? "

The officer gave me the look, " You need to watch that ! I could arrest you for indecent exposure ! "

I blushed, " I'm sorry ! I sure didn't expect to see a lady out here. We're here about that TLX truck and ..."

Officer Wiggles was in the know, " I figured you were ! I'm Officer Wiggles and your driver needs to post that bond, before that truck goes anywhere. He knows that ! So, did you post that bond ? "

Dexter had joined us, " That's why he's here ! "

I went into detail, " No ! I'm not here to post any bonds. I'm Barney Goose and my boss is Crook Jr. He's the owner of TLX and sent me here to ..."

Officer Wiggles wouldn't budge, " I'm going to explain this one more time ! Now, both of you need to get this ! That truck and trailer are going to stay right where it's at ! You, or someone from TLX will have to post a $5,000 bond to get it back ! Do you understand me ! "

I tried reasoning with her, " Now, wait a minute ! Ya'll can't seize that rig, without due process. Dexter here tells me, that he hasn't even been before a judge ! Now, can't we ..."

Wiggles flared up, " Oh ! Your a lawyer ? Don't tell me what the law is ! Your on Indian land and we're a separate nation ! "

I backed up, " I'm sorry ! I didn't mean to tell you your business. It's just that I don't understand, how crossing that old wooden bridge could cost any $5,000 ! I mean, the whole thing is about to collapse and should of been replaced a hundred years ago ! "

Well, arguing Officer Wiggles was like trying to pull hen's teeth. She just wouldn't listen to reason and the longer I tried, the harder it snowed. So, finally she agreed to take us to her leader. Yep, we followed her deeper into the snow covered forest and hoped for a peaceful conclusion. Now, don't get me wrong ! Ole Officer Wiggles could eat buffalo crackers off my bear skinned rug anytime. Yep, she was a looker, about 5'5", 120, early 20's, long jet black hair, soft silky golden skin, deep dark passionate eyes, and the roundest butt, that I'd ever wanted to French kiss sideways. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

HOPE BARNEY IS PACKING A BIG GUN. GONNA NEED IT TO GET THAT RIG BACK FROM THIS GAL. LOOKS JUST LIKE MASSACHUSETTS IN THE WINTER DOESN'T IT.