Hey, timing is everything. This thread was callin' my name, Snazz...
And now, a word from our sponsor... (huh?)
A woman wanted to suprise her husband so she bought a pair of crotchless panties. When her husband got home from work, he found his wife spread eagle on the floor with the panties on. "You want some of this?" she asked.
The husband replied "Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!"
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So you're the one who started all this stick it to em' and hire new ones. I better go find you a bigger bottle of Vaseline. Got a feeling those drivers and Barney are going to need a big ol' handful before this is over.
That was a good one Ducks and worth 50 Snazzy points, as Life Goes On.
I looked out my office window and could see the rows of tractors parked. Yep, it had only taken a couple of weeks for the drivers to throw in their logbooks. Big Man was holding on line two, so I let him hold awhile before picking up, " Barney Goose here ! "
Big Man spat, " What the hell is going on Barney ? "
I acted dumb, " What do you mean ? "
Big Man growled, " I'm talking about the GPS board ! Hell, half our rigs are showing parked at the terminals and most of the others are idling at the truck stops. I bet, there's not 400 rigs on the road right now ! "
I picked my nose, " So ? "
Big Man paused, " So ! So ! Is that all you got to say ? "
I inspected the bugger, " Well, I mean, so what ? "
Big Man went postal, " So what ! Did you just say so what ? "
I rolled it between my fingers, " Hello ? Hello ? Are you there ? "
Big Man went postal, " I'M HERE ! DON'T YOU HANG UP ON ME ! "
So, I flicked the bugger and hung up. Yep, I sashayed out and jumped into the Benz. It was a warm day and the wind felt good in my face. You know, I had the top down and made good time. Darline was surprised to see me, " What are you doing home so early ? "
I gave her a hug, " Well, I might as well tell you ! If Ed and the Crooks don't gain control soon, I might not have a job ! "
Darline kissed my cheek, " Are you hungry ? "
Ring, ring, " I better get that ! Hello ? Yeah Ed ! Ya'll did ? When ? So, we're back in business ? Great ! Alright ! Yeah ! Tell Junior hi ! Alright ! "
Darline had to ask, " What did he say ? "
So, just as I was about to answer her. KABOOM ! Yep, the door of the River Queen splintered and the room filed with smoke. Several Ninjas swarmed in and had me pinned to the ground. Well, actually the blast had knocked me down and they just covered me. You know, weapons drawn, shotguns, machine guns, riot gear, dogs snapping, men yelling, woman screaming. Well, Darline was frantic and out of control.
I had to ask, " What the hell is going on ? "
Captain Ranger pointed his Colt, " I should just blow your head off ! "
Darline fought her way over, " He hasn't done anything ! "
I agreed, " What did I do ? What did I do ? "
Ranger put the bracelets on me, " Barney Goose ! Your under arrest for attempted Capital Murder ! Now, get him out of here, before I forget that I'm a cop ! "
So, the Ninjas, or swat team, or whoever, drug me by my ankles and away we go. Yep, I kind of felt like a chicken's wishbone. You know, the way they were pulling on me and everything. Anyway, I was stuffed in the back of caged unit and read my rights. The ride to the station was a long one. Yep, a good 50 miles, that took every bit of ten minutes. Well, I guess that they were in a hurry. Anyway, I was printed, mugged, and put in a lineup. Of course, I couldn't see the witness, but sure heard him, " That's the guy and I'll never forget those beady eyes ! " What a deal, as Life Goes On.
Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.
Yep, PJw044 tar and feathers, as Life Goes On.
My cell was a 8' X 8', with metal bunk bed, steel commode, without toilet lid, a bright light enclosed inside a metal screen, that hung from the 10' ceiling. What a deal ! The cops had taken my clothing and left me wearing my fruit of the loins. Well, that and my ankle high odor eater socks. Luckily I didn't have a room mate and there was a wall phone in the cell. Nope ! It didn't work and even if it had. Well, I didn't have a quarter. The Fat Slob waddled over and jingled the keys, " GET AGAINST THE WALL ! "
I palmed the bricks, " I need to ..."
Fat Slob turned the key, " You need to shut up ! Give me your left arm, now your right one. Keep your face against the wall ! Come with me ! "
So, Fat Slob grasped my arm and lead me before the honorable Toothless Hag. Yep, she was sitting in a school desk and wearing a black robe. No ! Not a Justice's robe ! It looked like a Downey bathrobe and the desk. Well, it was your regular sixth grader type, complete with a fold down top. Now, I was still handcuffed, behind my back and wearing my briefs. So, I tried to cross my legs to keep the boys in place.
Toothless Hag began to read, " Barney Goose ! Your in the custody of the Poe Dunk Police Department and being held on the charge of attempted Capital Murder. I set your bail at $ 1,000,000, plus $ 149.00 dollars court cost. You have the right to remain silent and if you give up that right, anything you say maybe held against you. You have the right to an attorney and have him present during any questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, the court will appoint you one, for $149.00, plus tax. Do you understand your rights ? "
I nodded, " Yes, I do ! "
Toothless slid the paper in front of me, " You'll need to sign here. "
I rolled my eyes, " I can't ! Well, unless I dip my dong in some ink and.."
Hag barked, " Officer Slob ! Remove those handcuffs ! "
So, Slob did and I signed my John Hand Kock. Yep, I was then lead back to the interview room and seated at the kitchen table. Yep, it was a break room, complete with refrigerator, microwave, and kitchen sink. Officer Slob leaned against the counter and gave me the evil eye, as Chief Tobacco Stain waltzed in. He reminded me, of that guy that did the old Dodge commercials on tv. You know, stout, middle aged, beer gut, drill Sgt's hat, and wearing cowboy boots. He took the seat across from me and chewed off a chunk. You know, of chewing tobacco. I sat silent and tried to look dignified. Of course, that's hard to do when your half naked and have to pee. Anyway, there was a moment of silence before he spoke, " Boy! Your in a heap of trouble ! "
I was me, " I"M IN TROUBLE ? LISTEN TO ME ! I'm going to sue ya'll and before this is over. Your going to wish that..."
He cut me short, " Son ! I'm Chief Tobacco Stain and that's Officer Slob. I'm in charge of this investigation, so you might as well confess ! "
I lied, " Well, if I can have a cigarette, I'll tell you all I know ! "
Slob lit one up and stuck it between my lips, " There now tell us..."
I inhaled, " Oh that's good ! Now ! What do you want me to..."
Chief Stain pounded the table, " Quit playing games ! We know you shot him and we have a witness ! "
I blew smoke, " Shot who ? "
Slob jumped in, " Your X's husband ! "
I smiled, " Someone shot Ostrich Neck ? Good deal ! Man ! This is great ! I've been waiting for someone to do that ! Is he dead ? Please tell me that he is ! "
Stain spit, " His name is Guitar Man ! Your x-wife told us all about the threats you've made and a witness described you to a tee ! He even identified your picture ! "
I had to ask, " He's not the same witness that picked me out of that lineup is he ? "
Chief Stain looked puzzled, " Why ? "
I held class, " You see ! If ya'll showed him a picture of me and then had him pick me out of a lineup. Well, ya'll just lost your witness ID. "
Officer Slob disagreed, " How do figure that ? We know that your an x-cop and your not going to ..."
I shrugged, " Alright ! Don't take my word for it ! But, anytime you taint an eyewitness identification, by having a lineup, after showing the suspect's photo. Well, the court will throw it out. "
Chief Stain tried to bluff me, " We have all the evidence we need ! You had means, opportunity, and a motive ! We just can't believe that you'd stoop so low ! Guitar Man was one of our own and you shot him down like a dog. You make me sick ! "
I caught that, " One of your own ? Ostrich Neck isn't a cop ! The last I heard, he was working for an attorney, as a law clerk. "
Officer Slob updated me, " Ostrich, err Guitar Man is our city law clerk. He works for Slithers, Crawls, and Slimes law firm. They assigned him to our traffic court to represent the State. "
I rolled my eyes, " THE STATE ! In this little hick town ? I bet, all he did was shuffles papers and con folks into paying speeding tickets ! "
Chief Stain threatened me, " Well, according to the law ! He was an officer of the court and that's makes this a Capital Offense ! "
I concurred, " Yeah ! If he's dead, or dies it is. But, he must still be kicking, or it wouldn't be Attempted Capital Murder. Of course, there is no such thing, as Attempted Capital Murder. You see, the Capital part is only an element of the offense. I mean, ya'll never heard of Capital Aggravated Assault, or Capital Shoplifting. Capital, just aggravates the offense to allow the death penalty. I'd guess, ya'll have a good case of Attempted Murder, or maybe a Aggravated Assault with a Deadly weapon. Yep, that'd be good for 40 years and...."
Chief Stain confessed, " Look ! We're not big city cops and this is the first major case we've ever handled. Oh, we had that killing a few years back, but the husband committed suicide, before we could charge him. You know, for killing his wife. But, we got you good and ...."
I'd heard enough, " Ya'll don't have crap ! All ya'll can do is hold me for 48 hours and after that ! Well, I'll be free and ..."
Officer Slob jerked me up, " Don't be so sure about that ! Captain Ranger and his men are searching your place right now. He'll find what evidence we need and you'll get yours ! "
So, I was returned to my cell and left all alone. Now, I could of demanded to call an attorney and raised a stink. But hey ! I was really thinking of suing the pants off of them and ..... Well, you know what I mean and besides that. I'd be free in less than 48 hours. Yep, this was one time that I was really innocent, as Life Goes On.
Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.
Well Snazzy, After a few months break (being gone in the desert) I am finally back and have finally caught up with ya...........Once you start, it reads like a good novel.........except those couple of juicy pages that read more like a good Hustler......LOL (now if we only had pictures) Anyway now that I have caught up with ya, you gotta start writing faster.......LOL
I still think you should find a good publisher and all of us here could give you great reviews..............Big Duker Thanks this.
I tell you brother, what story this has been so far, and boy would the pictures be a help ? Don't think so, my mind is a steel trap and thoose pictures could never match what I see. And It would apear that a pblishr wold be in order...
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