Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Ducks, best to save those Snazzy points. If Scarecrow turns these post into a book, I bet they'll be worth at least a nickel off, the 50 cent retail price. Raindancer, I never liked to write tickets. The big reason was simply the State and Cities used it as a way to raise revenue. Then the insurance companies used it as an excuse to raise rates. I hate cash register justice. Hangman, your not alone about beng happy Andy was there. I replayed that scene in mind over the years. No good outcome. I'd been taught in the MP's and in the reserve academy to never fire a warning shot. Shoot to kill and live with your decision. I'd hate to be willing to kill someone over something stupid. But, as Life Goes On. Well, I don't want to spoil anything.

I won't spend alot of time about the politics of any small town. Mayberry wasn't any different. I honestly believe that 10% of our population love anyone that carries a badge. They can do no wrong and are heros. The other 10% wouldn't spit on a cop if he was on fire. The other 80%. Well, it just depends on the circumstances and who their talking to at the given moment. I never realized how much being a cop influenced folks. Ive been hugged and I've been almost killed. Even family and friends tend to act different around you. I was the same old guy, I'd like to believe that. But, who knows. For good or bad, just pin a badge on and you'll see.

After working about six months in Mayberry the city elections came up. The Mayor and her husband were the largest land owners. They owned the city water supply. She was a difficult person to deal with and had unseated a very popular working man in the previous election. He owned the city trash service. Seems everyone had an opinion of who was the best cadidate. Since I wasn't a resident I couldn't vote. To be honest it really didn't matter to me. My boss was Andy and I figured just to stay loyal to him. He after all was willing to take me under his wing and took a chance hiring me. I'll always be gratefull for that. The Mayor never treated me with anything but respect. She did have a tendancy to rub people the wrong way. But, hey I didn't have to work there. I could of left anytime I wanted. " Would you like fries with that order?"

The election was a nightmare. The working stiff got enough votes to be Mayor pro-teim. It was like he was vice president. The city council was divided in half. Yep, poor Andy. Seems he couldn't please anyone. I felt sorry for him. The Mayor knew that to get State grants the city had to show need for the funds. So, she was sharp and went on a spending spree. Yep, Mayberry went in debt to for more money that it had. Her ties to the Senator paid off. Mayberry went from rags to riches over night. We sold the patrol car at auction. We bought two used DPS trooper cars from the State. Yep, two Snazzy, fully equiped, police intercepter's that would go 140 mph. They had all the whistles and bells. Super sonic radar, prisoner cage for the back seat, cup holder, even the newest radios. I could talk to the Governer himself. Hotdog. Whoopee. Even got a couple of shotgun racks with the guns included. Great balls of fire !

Now, the thing wrong with any State grants is they are earmarked. You can't spend the money for what's needed. You have to spend the funds for what you don't need. Now, I'm not suggesting that Mayberry didn't need a couple of decent cop cars. But hey. Lets get real here. Two cars that would go at warp speed ? We didn't even have a jail or our own dispatcher. We had to rely on the Sheriff's department. Can you imagine this ? A County Mounty pulls up in his crappy wore out squad car. I'm sitting in a space ship. Yep, it didn't help our relations any. Then the bad news. We had to start a reserve department. Andy held an advanced police officer's ceretificate. He was quailified to teach reserve police courses. So, every hick in a 50 mile radius came a calling. Yep, all the locals who wouldn't of been seen dead in old Flipper. Now,shoot,they lined up like ants at a picnic. A couple of the applicants were just average Joe's wanting to get a taste of law enforcement. Some actually wanted to contribute back to the city. These weren't paid posistions. They had to purchase their uniforms and equipment. The school was free.

I went by the old security company asking if any of the guards there were interested in using their reserve training. One of the fellas was. So, he drove out and I gave him the five dollar tour. While we sat chewing the fat in the Enterprize, I got an ear full. Seems the security company was going belly up. The owner was under indictment for fraud. They had gone public and cooked the books. My x-boss who had been the general manager had been fleeced out of life's savings. The owner had skipped the country with millions of stolen investors money. Geez, I had my doubts about somethings when I had worked there. But, man. Anyway, I offerred my friend a helping hand. If he'd sign up for the Mayberry reserves. I'd do my best to get him hired on full time. I knew the city was going to hire a couple of officers. I'm going to reffer to my friend as Slick. You'll see why later. That's only if you stay tuned.

Lets break, your Snazzy.

 

Still on your six Snaz, This is worse then a bad habit, I am sitting here looking at a pile of paperwork but enjoying ever word Snaz, you have a gift of telling a story. Keep it rollin.... Catch you later

 

Okay Hangman, Hang in there, Here we go with Life Goes On.

Andy graduated his reserve class. There were a dozen graduates but only six Mayberry reserve officers. The other half were officers from other small cities, that just attended for their required state training. Their cities had paid for their schooling. It was just before Christmas 1980. I had been working at the department for a little over six months. Alot had happend since my first day. The Grant money required that one reserve officer hold at least the rank of Sgt. The man Andy picked was perfect. He was the oldest and in my opinion the best qualified. He was easy going and I felt he was in it to give back to the community. The other 5 were too young. All of them still lived at home. A couple worked on their Family's farms. One was a full time college student. The other two were unemployed and had no plans for the future. Andy promoted me to Sgt. I think he felt I would of been offended if a reserve officer out ranked me. They wore the same Mayberry uniform, but their sleve patch and badge had reserve officer printed on them.

One day I was approached by one of the reserves. It was rumored that Andy was leaving. I assured him that Andy hadn't even suggested any such thing to me. I soon found out that rumors and back stabbing go hand and dagger. I had made an off the wall comment that came back to bite me. Andy was a good police officer and a fine Chief. He did seem at times to be a bit flip-it. There were a couple of times that he just didn't seem to care.
I guess an example would be, I wasn't allowed to bother Andy at home. I figured he wanted me to handle things in my own way. More than once my closest backup from the county was at least 30 minutes away. I had a few incidents that really called for an assist.

One paticular call kind of chapped my butt. I had stopped a suspected drunk driver. He was a real jerk. He was, as most, bigger than me. Of course I was bigger than Andy, but when your knee deep in alligator crap. A 9 year girl with a lolly-pop looks good. That's if she knows how to swing that lolly-pop to beanie the bad guy. Anyway, the guy flat refused to be arrested. I tried my nice approach and then a few stern warnings. Nope, it was going to be physical. So, I radioed for assist. The S.O. didn't have an available unit. They called Andy who informed them to have me call him. Well, we didn't have moble phones in 1980. I guess I could of told the suspect, " Wait here, I'll be right back. I'm going to get help. Just give a minute."

So, I just mustard up my inner strength and reapproached the suspect. He bowed up and I handed him my nightstick. He looked puzzled.
" We're going to have a clean fight. No biting, hair pulling, or kicking below the belt. The last one standing wins. Any questions ?
He paused, " So, your giving me this and I can use it ?
I nodded, " Sure, and I'll use this ! "

I drew my 38. He dropped the stick and I cuffed him. It still upset me to be all alone. I later learned that Andy and the Mayor were at war. Andy had wanted to add two more regular officers to the department. The Mayor was shrewed. She had appointed a Police Commisioner, (her nephew who was a nice guy, but who cares). Anyway, she blew half the grant money by using it on city ordinance. Actually it was a planning commison. A group of old ladies that wrote zoning laws for the future " Beverly Hills, Texas. " Andy had decided to work his 40 hour week and close shop. He didn't care if the town blew away. I understood later how Andy felt. But, between you and I. If a cop I hated needed assistance. Well, you know.

I drove home on Christmas Eve night. Andy had gone on vacation and left me in charge. The reserves rode as 2 man units. Their reserve Sgt. was allowed to patrol alone, but he usually had a reserve partner. I was happy to be able to spend time at home with my wife. We'd let the kids open their gifts from us and a have a quiet night to ourselves. I wasn't but 3 exits from my house. The little car ahead of me swerved to miss a dog running across the Innerstate. It was about 9 pm and the traffic was awful. It all happend in slow motion. The car hit the guard rail, rolled acroos the traffic lanes, and landed upside down in the median. I saw the driver being ejected and land square in the middle of the freeway. I stopped just in front of her and put on my 4 way flashers. The traffic never slowed. I darted and knelt next to her. She was about 20 years old, very attractive, and dying. Her head was split open and her blonde hair was now red. I held her hand. I couldn't believe she was still alive. She softly cried, " Help me, help me. "

Finally another motorist stopped. I had him fetch a blanket from my trunk. We laid it down next to her and gently rolled her onto it. We then lifted the blanket she was on and carried her to the shoulder. I ordered another motorist to call for the local police and rescue. The girl died in my arms. There was nothing anyone could have done. I wanted to cry. I wanted to shout to the passing cars, " We've got a dead girl here, doesn't anyone care ? "
I held up pretty good. I asssisted the locals direct traffic and work the accident. I did a little sniffling as picked up presents strown across the road. As the ambulance left I headed home. My wife saw my bloody shirt and screamed. I fell in her arms cried for half an hour. My little girls all began wailing. Yep, that was a Christmas Eve I'll never forget.

Good night, Snaze.

 

Anyone out there ? Anyone ? Life Goes On. I think.

The comment I made about Andy, was made to a reserve officer the day they worn sworn in. Andy had changed his uniform a little bit. Well, it was still Mayberry style but had some add-ons. The collar brass was gold with the word CHIEF and just under that. Five large gold STARS *****. Yep he looked like General Patton. What was even worse ? He had on a pair of knee high, black leather, motorclycle boots. To complete the outfit, a pair of mirror lensed sunglasses and a white motorcycle helmet. He goose trotted outside and climbed onboard his batmoble. Yes, a brand new Kawasaki 1000, police bike. It was fully equiped with lights, siren, and radio. As he raced away I muttered, " Gee, I hope he doesn't have to stop. His feet won't reach the ground."

Things rocked along. My strong suite or I guess what I was best known for, was to just stumble across stuff. I don't know why. It just seemed to come natural. I'd stop a speeder and end up with drugs charges. An expired tag and find an unlawfull weapon. A guy once asked me for directions and ended up arrested for auto theft. I stopped to help a broken down motorist and ended up arresting him. Yep, he had over a pound of marijuana and $ 10,000 in cash, stuffed in an ice-chest. Crazy stuff. I enjoyed my job. I did hate seeing some of the folks face such harsh punishments. I tried to convinence myself that the courts handed out the penalties. All I did was catch them.

One of the worse crimes that can happen to anyone is to be burglarized. I had it happen to me twice in my life. Both times before becoming a cop. You feel violated and never feel comfortable in your own home. It's terrible. Well, some professional burglar came to Mayberry. He was hitting during the times that stay at home mom's were there. Yep, half the time the ladies were home taking a nap, doing their laundry, or watching the soap operas. He'd usually just walk in an unloocked door. Stealth his was to the unoccupied area and rumage for valuables. He'd leave the same way and the poor resident normally didn't know what happend. Well, untill they went to put on their jewelry, turn on the t.v., or wear the fur hubby had bought her. So, high alert. All Mayberry units flooded the residental areas. General Patton on his batmoble, Barney (me) in the Enterprize, and even reserves in their private clunkers. Of course as soon as we stepped up patrols the dirty dingus would take a vacation untill the heat cooled down.

This guy even started stealing trailers. He'd back up, hook up, and be gone. Many of the times the trailers had farm equipment or in one case a race car onboard. Again, no witnesses, no clues, nothing. So, the city offered a $500 reward. The city council had Andy on the carpet. Heads were going to roll. Something had to be done. Yes, Gotham city, eer.., Mayberry needed a hero to save the day. Andy was so worried about his own house he had an alarm installed and chained down the batmoble. I came to work one day and saw the comotion. My first thought was Andy had killed the dirty dingus. Yep, Andy must have caught him red handed. Must have shot him in the act. Good ole Andy. The ambulance was wheeling the masked maroter away. A local news crew filmed out front of Andy's house. The alarm was still ringing. A helicopter flew above. A crowd had gathered. I parked and ran up to the stretcher. The attendants paused and one of them lifted the oxygen mask. Andy spoke softly, " My feet were on the ground, my feet were..."

The attendants were laughing so hard they almost dropped him. They placed Andy in the back and sped away.The Mayor approached me as I stood dumb founded.
She informed me, " Your now the acting Chief. As soon as Andy can return he'll resume the office."
I had to ask, " What happend ? "
The Mayor giggled, " Andy took off but forgot to unchain the rear wheel from his porch. He flipped over the handle bars and ended up in the street."

Lets break, ya'lls Snazzy1

 

Don't worry Snazzy, even if we aren't egging you on we are riveted on your every word. I know what you mean about being burglarized. Happened to me once. Only they didn't steal anything, just moved things around in a creepy way to let us know that they were watching us. Very creepy. So much for the watchdogs. It was a long, long time before I felt comfortable being in that house alone.

 

Thanks, Bullhaulerswife and Leannamarie, I thought I'd done run everyone off. So, on with life.

Andy wasn't in the hospital long, but he had to bed rest for around two weeks. I felt sorry for him. He'd done a sure dumb thang, but haven't we all. The reserves showed their support for Andy by boycotting the department. Somehow the Evil Knivel stunt got blamed on the Mayor. Something about the city's insurance wouldn't pay for Andy's injuries or damages. The Mayor had nothing to do with the cities insurancy company. Andy filed on his own policy. Well, his motorcycle insurance covered the damage to the cycle. He had to file on his homeowners insurance to get his medical bills paid. I hate insurance companies. In the mean time the city budget was up for review. Andy hadn't even started on it. The Mayor wanted the department's annual budget request on her desk by days end. I was knee deep in paper files and going cross-eyed. I didn't know a budget from a horn-toad. So, I sat there picking my nose and daydreaming. I finally decided to take a spin around the city just to clear my head.

I got in the Enterprise and gave the old Mayberry Two is in service call. I tooled down main street. It was a lovely day and I had the windows down. I cruised past the rest area, hung a right down first street, made a left on which-u-may-call-it, and cruised down thang-of-my-jig. I spotted one of our fine citizens. She was standing in her yard waiving at me with a cuestick. I waived back and smiled. I hadn't gone far when a light went off in my head. I wonder why she had that cuestick ? No pool halls in Mayberry. Bet they have a pool table. I went down to the cudesack and headed back the way I'd come. Same lady waiving the cuestick and screaming, " I'll kill you ! Get the hell away from me ! "

I noticed the white male backing away from our fine citizen. He had been blocked from my view due to the car in driveway. He was holding his gun and carrying a bedspread. Kind of looked like an armed Santa Claus. He dropped the rolled up, make shift bag. He then ran across the drive and leaped into his getaway pick-up. The lady yelled at me, " He just robbed my house !"

Never fear for Barney is here. Yep, I simply waited for the pick-up to head out. He headed straight for the Interstate. I was code three, " S.O., Hot Pursuit ! Headed North bound on the Interstate. Subject is signal 32 (armed), wanted for signal 36 (armed robbery), GET ME SOME HELP ! "
The S.O. dispatcher knew it was me calling. Everytime I get excited it sounds like I've inhalled 100 lbs of helium. The suspect stopped. I almost rear ended him. Now why the hell did he stop ?

He jumped from behind the wheel and pointed his gun at me. I fell to my right and reached for the door handle. I then pulled myself across the seat and knelt behind the passesnger door. It was a stand off. He'd raise his head to take a peak. I'd ####ed my 38 and was sighting in for a head shot. All of a sudden he threw his gun at me. It bounced off my windshield and landed on the hood. Then he laid spread eagle on the pavement. I hadn't said a word to him. I quickly cuffed him and searched for more weapons. Satisfied there were none, I placed him in the caged backseat.

It's late, stay tuned for tomorrows exciting episode. Good night folks, the Snazzy1.

 

###### Snaz if you ain't the luckiest /unlucky person I every saw. Been on the road had to come and catch up. It was worth it.

 

Snazzy, I don't know how you sustain the suspense so well. Keep it up!
I hate insurance too -- nothing more than a legalized protection racket IMHO.

 

Hey Snazzy, we're waiting.........................................

All you have to do now is copy/paste this onto your word or works and you'll have your book by the time you're done