Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Raindancer, well put, I am the luckiest unlucky person around. Nyegere, your right about the insurance racket. I depise them. Attitude, copy and paste, word or works, Hell I can't even type. muchless spell. Nope, no book here. Now, as promised, Life Goes On.

Ten minutes after capturing Dirty Dingus the Interstate was a buz. Kind of like the filming of the movie, " Sugar Land Express ". At least 100 cop cars lined up. All the officers wanted to see him in person, " The Dirty Dingus. " Of course they also wanted to shake the hand of the man who captured the Dirty Dingus. So, like a captured rockwiler at a postmens' convention the Dirty Dingus got a 200 angry eyeball glare. I in turn got 100 slaps on my back. Yep, life was good. We, ( me and 100 other cops) transported the Dirty Dingus to the county jail. During the inventory of D.D.'s stolen pickup it became clear. Ole D.D. had been a busy thief. He'd burglarized at least a dozen homes the day he was caught. All the tv's, steros, vcr's, jewelry, fur cats, err fur coats, guns, cash, kitchen sinks, ladies under wear, mens socks, and whatever else, was left in the pickup. It was impounded (towed) to Mayberrys impound storage facility ( Andy's garage behind his house).

Dirty Dingus was a nice enough guy. Very calm, soft spoken, easy going. He told his story to me and two Texas Rangers. Yep, I was rubbing elbows with Texas finest, the legendary Rangers, white 10 gallon hats, western wear, genuine armadillo boots, and 357 chrome plated pistols. Yee-Haw !

His story was sad. He'd been drafted and got hooked on drugs in Vietnam. Got a dishonorable discharge. Couldn't find a job, so began dealing in drugs to support his habit. He soon discovered that many of his customers stole for a living. So, he decided to try burglary. Yep, he was good at it and claimed to have committed over a 1,000. That's what had interested the Rangers. They had a task force working the Dirty Dingus caper. It seems that Mayberry was just easy pickens on Dingus's way home. He'd hit every small town in a 100 mile radius. Dingus swore he'd shot it out with me but his stolen 25 had jammed. He stuck his chest out and claimed he'd let the woman alone, because he couldn't hurt a lady. The Rangers turned off the recording and asked me to fetch a round of coffee. I stood with my notepad and wrote down, 1 balck, 1 sugar and cream, a coke for Dingus, and what-ever I cared for.

Out in the hall I ran into Andy. He was in his Genaral Patton getup. I told him where Dingus was and what an important mission I was on. Andy pointed his crutches and took off towards the Dingus room. I douple checked my order and fed the coins in. I didn't have a serving tray so I used my Barney hat. I entered the Dingus room to find the Sheriff, a couple of his high ranking deputies, the Rangers, Andy, the Pope, six other Police Chiefs, a couple of Indian Chiefs, and Henry Lee Lucas. So, I kept the refreshments flowing and put on my waitress outfit. It was hard days work. I did get a couple of tips and ole Henry pinched me.

After the interrogation there was the group picture taken. Dirty Dingus stood center, Chiefs to his left, Rangers to his right. I swept up and empitied the trash. Those pigs ! Anyway, I drove the Enterprize back to Mayberry and spent the night inventoring the stolen property. Andy and the Rangers went out on a 3 day binge celebrating. Those men ! Waited up all night, not even a phone call. The Mayor came by the next morning and chewed me out. Seems I really screwed up not submitting the department's budget. I raced over and finished it. I had been up 24 hours straight and got called out on a suicide. Yep, some idiot had eatten his pistol.

Lets break, Snazets and Snazers. The Snazzy1.

 

The ranch house sat next to the county line. It was in the city limits but just barely. I'd gladly given the call to the Sheriff's department. Of course, I swung up the drive code 3, ran up to the front door, and naturally it was locked. I pondered, umm. Should I ring the bell ? Heck, if it's a suicide I bet he doesn't answer. Ha, ha,ha,ha, he,he. Shutup mind, this is serious. Okay, maybe it's a prank call ? Nope, I bet whoever called is in shock. Yep, that's it. Somebody came home and discovered the deceased. They called it in and just can't bring themselves to the door. That's it. I'll go ahead and ring the bell. Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, Avon calling. Get serious !

The door slowly opened. I was a bit taken back. A slinkey, thirty something, red haired, knockout, wearing a pink baby-doll nighty, and high heels.
I stuttered," Mam ? Did you report a signal ? I mean call in that somebody suicided ? Ehh. Report a dead person ?
Her sexy voice replied, " Oh your here about my husband. Come in."
I followed her bouncing buttocks back to the master bedroom.
She introduced him, " That's him there. "

I looked. Yep, must be him. Gun in his cold hand and brains on the pillow. I went ahead and felt for a pulse. Nope, deader than hell. Dang, kind of stiff and ice cold. I wonder ? My thoughts were interrupted by the ambulance crew storming in. Before I could say, don't disturb anything. The deceased was on the carpet and getting the much un-needed c.p.r. The 400 lb attendant did her best. I could hear ribs breaking and see blood spraying across the room. After a minute the attendant asked her partner to assist. He gave it his best, but I had to help. The 400 lb whale, was hard to help to her feet. She pronounced the decease dead. I didn't argue. The attendants started to lift the body. I requested they wait outside. After all, I had a crime scene to investigate. The whale got huffy and tossed me her card. I was to call them when I finished. They lit out.

I turned to Babydoll and requested a pair of kitchen gloves. She gave me a dumb blonde look. I figured she wasn't a real red head. Anyway, I followed her round cheeks to the kitchen. I got my needed crime scene tools and we returned to the deceased. I slipped on the gloves and examined the 32. The magazine had 6 live rounds. The spent casing on the bed accounted for all 7 bullets. I placed the 32, spent shell, 6 live rounds, and magazine into the paper bag. I did a closer exam of the victim, checking for any other wounds. None were found, so I turned my attention to Babydoll. She was seated in front of a vanity mirror and watching my every move by reflection.

" So Mrs. Babydoll, if you will, just tell me what happend ."
I tried not to look at her nipples. She batted her eyelashes at me. I thought they might take flight. She pulled a hankey and pressed it against her dry eyes.
"Well, not much to tell. My husband and I weren't close. He lived back here and I never bothered him. I awoke a little before 9 am. I got in my hot tub. I just love being nude and hot. Don't you ? Anyway, I wanted to come back here and let the tight wad see what he's been missing. So, I threw this on and there he was."
The smell of perfume shot up my nose as Babydoll squeezed the bulb. I had tried to stay attentive during her pack of lies.

"Well, Mrs. Babydoll. I'm a little confused. You said you never bothered him. Why would you come back here today ? I mean, you have to admit, this is a little strange ? Your husband's dead and your the only person here. I might as well tell you. There's a problem."

Babydoll, for the first time had a look of concern. She almost dropped the red bottle of toenail polish she was holding. She quickly recovered and flipped her shapely leg up. " Problem ? What problem ?

I didn't stare at her yams but those melons looked good. Too good, bet they were filled with, whatever they fill them with.

" The problem is striffling. See, when a gun is fired, hot gases, along with the projectile are released. The bullet makes the hole, but the hot gases cause small dark dots around the entry wound. See, your husband has none. That means he wasn't holding that gun within arms length. Can you explain that ? "

Babydoll began filing her nails. She appeared to be searching her empity head for an explanation. " That's something you'll have to ask my Dad about. He's a medical examiner in California. Is that all that's bothering you ? Why don't we have a drink ? I make a mean Texas Tea. We could go out by the pool. I haven't even tried on my bikini this year. I bet, I'll barely fit in it. "

I decided to go in for the kill, " Look Babydoll. We've got a dead man here. That was your huband ! Lets quit playing games. As cold as he is and the fact regimortis is already setting in. He's been dead a good 8 hours. Just admit it, ya'll had fight. He went to bed and you shot him."

Babydoll stood up and raised her arms above her head. She then started doing jumping jacks. I watched closely as all of her body parts jiggled and jived. She was barefoot and almost naked, as all those parts fought for freedom. She stopped and started twisting slowly in place. Her eyes looked deeply into mine.

" Say, you said my husband died about 8 hours ago. Now, I wasn't even here then. See, I work as a dancer at the Nude ####. That's why I have to stay in shape. I left the club around midnight, with three of the customers. We went to a hotel and partied untill 5 am. I didn't get home till around 6 this morning. You ask them guys. Two of claimed to be Texas Rangers. But, they looked a little old to be baseball players. But, the short cute one, he said, he's the ploice Chief in Houston,Texas. Poor little guy was on crutches. Said something about he was wounded in a shootout with some guy named Dirty Dingus.

I thanked Babydoll for her time and called the Whale. The body was picked up and I went home and slept for 24 hours. The next day I completed my report. Case closed, suicide by handgun. That was the last time I ever tried to trick a confession, from anyone using the facts learned from Barnaby Jones.

Goodnight, Snazy1

 

Andy called me in the office one day. He was fully recovered. Well, not on crutches anymore, but still short. He'd sold the batmoble and handed the keys to city hall over. Yep, he was leaving. I sat down and listened.

Andy, " Barney I just took the Chief's posistion over in Oz, Texas. Now, I want you to stay here as Chief. The city I''ll be working for is a paradise. They have a tax base, city manager, over 25,000 residence, at least 30 sworn in police officers, and I'll be making twice my salary. They have their own jail, dispatch, and the city pays all medical. It's a dream come true. Those Rangers I met knew the Chief there who was retiring. I'd love to take you with me, but it's 100 miles South of here. The rent ain't cheap either. My wife and I found a good deal on a condo down there, it's a good deal. Anyway, I met with the Mayor earlier. That woman is nuts ! She tries to run everything. You can't do anything unless her or that idiot nephew of hers. Well you know. So, the city council meets tomorrow. The Mayor will swear you in. I just can't tell you how much you've done for me and the city. They know it and I know it."

Andy paused and looked out in the hall for flies on the wall. He shut the door and sat behind his desk. I continued sitting, still in shock. Andy took a deep breath before continuing, " Two things, Barney. First, your not going to be lucky all your life. You take too many chances. This is just a job. It's not worth getting killed over. Now, I know you, and I'm the same way. If comes down to being killed on duty. Well so be it ! But, for what ? There's not a bad guy out there worth getting killed over. Sure, if he's shooting from a tower or holding hostages in the bank. I'd be the first one to risk it all. That's what wearing the badge is all about. But, listen to me, getting killed by some idiot over a bag of dope or stolen property ? That's plain stupid. Let the idiot go. You can catch him later. They all get caught sooner or later. Just don't push it, ease up, and be smart. You know the city carries a $25,000 life insurance policy on us ? The State matches that amount if you are killed in the line of duty. Then the feds throw in another $ 50,000. The state also allows your dependants to attend any college, tuition free for life. So, your widow and kids will be taken care of financially. But, what about them ? You've got a beautiful wife and those girls are as sweet as I've ever seen. Yep, something you should think about. But, don't take my advice. Go ahead and get yourself killed! "

I was soaking in Andy's words like a sponge. I knew what he was saying was true. I had taken way too many chances. But, hey. I could do that. I had an uncany ability to read a suspect. I don't know if it was because I grew as a runt. You know, always being picked on. Or, maybe it was those mean streets I grew up in. I knew part of it was my military training. I just knew that as long as I wore that badge, I'd never back down. No matter what. Never, ever, never !

As Andy stood and shook my hand. I had to ask, " You said, there were two things ? "

Andy gave me a bear hug, lifting me up off the floor. He laughed, " Always make sure you feet reach the ground ! "

Goodnight, from the Snazzy 1.

 

At 7 pm, I entered the chamber. The Queen rose from her throne, as I knelt before her. The city council stood in silence. The sacrid golden badge of Chief was placed ontop my head. The council applauded and the court jester juggled. I arose as Sir Chief, better known (as N-word) with a badge. Yep, a bad guys worse nightmare and a citizens best friend. A chicken in every pot, a free get out of jail card for the loyal ones, a man for the people, a man's man, and most of all a real patsy. I gave a short speech that lasted till the cows came home.

It's lonely at the top. Out of the original six reserve officers only two had lasted. The others had resigned. All of them assured me it was nothing personal just no future in being a reserve officer. I couldn't blame them. The city was broke again. We had all we needed but no funds. So, what to do ? Well, I put on my thinking cap. I never believed in cash register justice. Raising funds through the city traffic court just wasn't an option. So, how about a legit way to make the city money ? Okay. I went to a large construction site just across the Interstate. It wasn't in the city limits but it was within the county. Texas law gave full police power to munipal officers and reserves in their county. So, I approached the contruction supervisor.

" Howdy, I'm Chief Barney from Mayberry. I noticed that you don't have any security out here. Now, that's okay. I guess them other sites that got hit were just unlucky. I offerred them security and they felt like they didn't need it. Of course after those losses.. Say, we can have a patrolman here from dusk till dawn. Yep, in full uniform and I'll even furnish a fully loaded squad car. Matter of fact we can even cover weekends. You know, anytime your site nots being worked. I bet it'll pay for itself. Just think no more ripp offs, no chance of vandalisim, and we guarntee no arson. Now, you might ask how much is this going to cost me ? Not a dime my fair friend, not a dime. You run this by your insurance carrier. They'll tell you it's a good deal and even cut those high policy rates. Yep, and if you act today there's a bonus. Tell me I'm nuts my friend. Yep, todays special is a flat rate. No overtime ever. Holiday pay, a thing of the past. Call me crazy! I don't care what the other guys offer. We won't be under bid. All you need to do is sign on the dotted line. "

The contruction supervisor spit a big wad of tobbaco, scratched his privates and signed on the dotted line. I shook his hand and made my escape. The contract he signed was one from my old security days. I had retyped it to read that Mayberry P.D. would be paid a flat rate of $10.00 per hour. The city was not responsible for any losses real or imagined. The small print alllowed for penalities if the contract ended before the building was occupied. Now I'll that I needed was enough officers to work the site.

Lets break, Snazzy1.

 

I was only making about $ 6.00 per hour as Chief. The city didn't pay any overtime. Back in 1980 cities were allowed to use what was refferred to as comp. time. You were compensated by earning time off. Say you worked a 50 hour week. Well, you'd get 15 hours comp. time. That would add up quick. So, say in a months time you'd have 60 hours on the books, kind of like vaction time. The cities didn't like comp.time to build up. If you quit or got fired they'd have to show on the books that you were paid. So, they'd have to let the books reflect you were compensated. All it meant was even though you didn't get paid a nickel, they had to wait till the comp. time was used up. A silly law that has changed since then. Anyway, when Andy left the city had to wait 160 hours to hire a replacement. Well, if they'd had the money to pay someone, it wouldn't of been a problem. So, I was it,no Andy, just Barney, me, by myself, alone.

The reserve Sgt. was a life saver. He owned his own cabinet shop in town. He had 3 or 4 employees, that needed little supervision. So, he'd work the dayshift from 7am till 3pm and I'd work 3pm till midnight. Now, this is strange, by Texas law back then cops weren't limited to the number of hours they worked. If you were a truck driver the 70 hour rule applied. But, carry a gun and no limits. Yep, you could work 100 hours a week. Don't want no sleepy drivers but a cop could be sleep-walking and that was fine. Scarry isn't it. Anyway, I worked 6 days a week. Saturday was my comp. day so I added about 12 hours to the books. In a month that was 48 hours vacation time. The Mayor agreed to it and I didn't mind. After all I was Chief, the big fish, the lion of the jungle, bull of the woods, and so on.

Another thing that was wierd. Cities couldn't pay reserve officers.The state law enforcement commision didn't want cities to staff it's departments with them. I could see why. The cities would just use paid reserves and not get fully trained officers. But, there was, as always a loop hole. I could pay the reserves for off duty security work. So, the two reserves were hired to work the construction site. They split the 100 hours per week, each working about 50 hours each. One was unemployed and needed the money. The other was on college break and happy to help out. I paid them $5 per hour and that beat the $ 3 per hour minimum wage back then. The city earned the other $ 5 per hour, minus the gas used ideling at the site. I assigned them Mayberry unit # 2 and the reserve Sgt. and I shared unit # 1. The Sheriff's dept. still patrolled after midnight. The city slowly got out of the red ink and we were back in black. Life was good.

Remember Slick ? My friend at the now defunct security company ? Well, he shows up one day. I'd not heard from him and he'd never filled out a reserve application. He was all excited and let me know he was ready to come to work full time. All I needed to do was have the city pay for his full commision school and start him out at what I was making. I had to keep from laughing. I told him that I was looking to hire two full time officers but they needed to be fully licensed. The city just didn't have the funds to pay any salaries plus for the 160 hours basic peace officer's course. I did offer to put him on as a reserve. After all I had sponsored him through his reserve school. I also told him that I could work him at the costruction site.

Slick was likeable, he was friend. We'd been in some tight situations at the security company. I didn't doubt his abilities. He was older than me by a good 10 years. That made him an old fart of 38. Slick bragged alot about his past. Yep, that's the one thing that did bother me. He claimed to hold a master's degree in business, was in the past a college proffessor, and had been given a medical discharge from the airforce. Strange, I always thought. Such a smart guy had to stoop to being a security guard. Then there was that clicky-heeled, gum smacking he did. Kind of arrogant and too slick. I just figured he'd gone through a tough divorce. I'd been through that. Yep, he just needed some time to settle down. He was trying to be a shaker and a mover. You know, trying to make up for lost time.

Slick didn't like my offer. He kept insisting that I could pull some strings and get him on the department. I finally came clean. " Look Slick, I want to help you. But, see I've got 3 reserves officers that have worked here pretty much for free. They've put alot into this. Hell, there's a Sgt. out there now that puts in almost as much time as I do. He doesn't even get paid and it cost him to work here as a reserve. That man would be an excellent full time officer. He's turned me down because he doesn't like the Mayor. Hell, if that woman ever rides her broom out of here. Well, you get my drift. Another thing, those two other reserves have just one problem. Their too young. Now, they won't be forever, it's just they don't have the street smarts. I can't turn them lose on their own. I let them patrol as a two man unit, but hell even then, I worry myself sick. Now, how would it look ? I hire you in and pay for your schooling. Shoot, I'd lose the whole lot. Then where would I be ? Tell you what. I spoke with a Fort Worth Sgt. one night, not long ago. He gave me an application for a city that's hiring. He knows the Chief there real well. Matter of fact their starting a reserve department. From what he said their going to pay for everything. Uniforms, guns, the whole deal. Then if you work there six months they'll pay for your full time school and hire you on full time. Now Slick, listen to me. That city has money and the best part is you live not 10 miles from there. You wouldn't have to drive 40 miles out here. It's a good deal for you. I've even thought about applying out there. It' a suburb of Fort Worth and has all kinds of crime. You know, out here it's wierd. There's not alot of crime, just a few nasty idiots and an occasional convict that needs his bell rung. "

After my speech I gave Slick the application to the other city. He clicked his hells, smacked his gums, and left. I wished him well and even promised to be a good reference. I liked Slick and even today, still think he's a good guy in some ways. But, I'll let ya'll be the judge.

Okay, that's all for tonight, if anyone is still interested. Your, Snazzy1.

 

Ok Snazzy, you're not awake yet lol. Hope you have a good weekend!

 

I told you before Snazzy, we are all waiting on pins and needles for the story to continue. We are all nuts for your adventures.

 

Don't stop now! I'm still waiting to hear how/whether you got into trucking. You really have us on the hook here!

 

Okay, Attitude, Lennamarie, and Nyegere, at least some of you are left. Hope the others still stop in. I thought maybe these post weren't being posted. Yep, figured I was just posting and reading them myself. By the way, we'll be leaving Mayberry soon and in a short 5 years be trucking. Yep, only another 50 post and we'll be trucking. Down the road, whiteline fever, pedal to the metal, you know.. I'm going to post this and come back fresh. My puter is acting up again. Lets see how this works. Snazzy1.

 

Snaz
home again. coffee ready for in the morning so you better be up early. Funny, You chief of police after your history with cops. Thanks for not trying to bail the city out the unimagnative way they do now. Say at this time are you still with that crazy witch or did she slip out and I missed it.
You would have been better off (not neccessarrily safer) with hot pants at least you knew the score. No suprises there. Either way I'm sure you'll get scre#$%. lol