Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Okay, I see Raindancer made it. Still missing Baack, Bullhaulerswife, and we need Ducks. I bet she's drunk in Vegas off them Snazzy points. Let's see, yep, about 20 missing in action. Guess they'll just lurk along with 200 guest that haven't bothered to register. Dancer, I can't give any secrets away, if I did there wouldn't be any point of these true life stories. Well, I was a cop and did work somewhere. Let's see what happens as Life Goes On. Missing Scarecrow too. Oh well.

In a street fight there is only one rule " Fight To Win". Now, I believe that exiperience is just a word that means " I Won't Do That Again ". Well, it started off just as an average traffic stop. You know, just a 15 mph over the limit, no big deal.
" Mam, I'm Chief Barney with the Mayberry police department. I'll need to see your license and proof of insurance".
Now, this where the speeder hands you their stuff and you finish your well rehersed speech. Simple, easy, no problem, right ? Wrong !
She bagan, " Why did you stop me ?
I replied, " Mam, I'll explain as soon as I see your license and insurance.
She spat, " I'm not showing you anything ! I haven't done anything wrong !
I smiled, " Well, untill I see you license and insurance, I'm not saying why I stopped you ! "
She threw her license at me and it sailed over my shoulder. I marched over and picked it up. I noticed she had turned a bright red and her knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel so tight.
I began again, " Mam, the reason I stopped you is there is a posted limit on this highway. I locked your speed in on radar indicating your speed at 55 mph in that 40 mph posted zone. Is there a reason for your speeding ? "
She answered, " Your full of crap ! I wasn't speeding and you know it ! "
I answered, " Is this your correct address, on your license ? "

My right hand, pointy finger, highlighted the address on her license being held up in my left hand. She refused to answer or look my way.
" Okay, Mam. I'll be right back, " I spoke politely and walked back to the Enterprize. " Mayberry One, want's and warrants, on Texas D.L. # 066666, also 10-28, 29, adam, king, nora, 616. Have this vehice stopped at the city limit, state highway, North bound, no assist needed at this time. "

As I awaited for the records check, I bagan to write. I had only gotten as far her name. She exited her car and stood next to my closed driver's door. I turned my head towards her and spoke.
" Mam, you'll need to return to your vehicle. I'll be right back with you. "
She screamed, " I've got a right to hear what your saying about me on that radio ! "
I yelled back, " If you don't step back to your car ! You'll be listening from the backseat of this unit ! "
She dared me, " So make me tough guy ! "

I exited and took hold of her wrist. The traffic was flying by us, so I decided to pull her to the shoulder. At least we wouldn't get ran over. It was on a Friday about 6 pm. Cars zoomed by as I tried to man handle this 90 lb female. She was a fighter. Man, I had on smooth bottomed soles. I'd pull her about 4' feet and she drag me back 5' feet. She was wearing clod hoppers with 3" inch heels. When push came to shove, she had better traction. So, there I go, being drug down the state highway. It was like having a tiger by the tail. I finally decided to end the tug of war. I got her in my famous Full Nelson. Yep, my hands behind her kneck, and my forearms under her armpits. All I had to do was push downward. She countered with the clod hoppers to my shins. Ouch ! We fell and rolled, I grabbed an ankle, she kicked me in the face. I twisted her ankle, she did a summer salt and flipped me head over heels. She was sitting on face, I kneed her in the back, she tried the old thumbs in my eyeballs. I had enough, I twisted and grabbed a tit, she countered with hand full of testicles.

Man, I had sweated so bad I couldn't see. She somehow got me in a figure four leg lock. I grabbed hold of the car's bumper and pulled myself to the ropes. I heard the bell ring. The referee stood holding her hand up, I was too weak to stand. The trooper slid his knight stick between her legs, lifted her straight up, and body slammed her. His knee held her down by the back of her neck, I crawled over and cuffed her.
The state troopper asked, " Think we need an ambulance ? "
I replied, " No, I think I'm okay."

I was skint from adams-apple, to a-hole, my uniform was in shreds. Roadrash and blood stains covered me. My pride was in worse shape. The humility of it all. Yep, whooped by a 90 lb little lady. She spat from the caged unit. I taunted her with my nightstick, pressing it against the window. She snapped and growled, I flinched. I transported her to the Sheriff's offfice and booked her in for obstructing traffic, aggravated assault on a police officer, and possession of a controlled substance (cocaine). She made bail and left before I finished my report.

Now this is where experience comes in play. Had I to do it all over again, I'd of simply stepped from my vehicle and walked to the shoulder. She would of followed me, not a doubt in my mind. I could of finished writting her ticket and then if she refused to sign it, called for backup. No fuss, no muss. Yep, Won't Ever Do That Again.

The Snazzy1.

 

Snazzy, Just wanted to say I'm still here along with most everybody else. I've been in and out a lot lately moving some loads, just haven't had any time to post.

 

Welcome Snazzy, My introduction to trucking came about kinda the same way my Dad had his own truck and drove OTR when I was a kid and I loved sitting in the truck pretending to drive, when I was about 5 was the first time I ever sat on his laps to steer. You couldn't wipe the smile from my face, matter fact I have that same smile just thinking about that day.

Thanks for the memory.

 

Good ole Twocycle, glad your still kicking, don't be a stranger, we didn't know what happend to you. Vulcan, thanks for the welcome and right back at you. Now for a little more of Life Goes On.

I got an early surprise and was pleased with it. Somehow the State Law Enforcement Commission awarded me my Basic Peace Officer's License a wee-bit early. It was to take a full year but I got mine a few months early. Hard to believe I'd only been employed at Mayberry for 8 months. Alot had happend and somehow I had ended up Chief. I decided to test the waters and find a large good paying department. I learned that a big city in South Texas was hiring. Yep, they even had a recruiter come to the metroplex. I went to a Ramada Inn for the job fair. The recruiter spoke to the group in the Speaker's room. Yep, white table cloth and complete with handouts. You know, a kind of business type affair. Me and the other want to be's were shown an hours video of state of the art recruiting. A film after my heart, real cops doing real cop stuff. It paid well and had great benefits. I was sold, so I filled out the 20 pager (no 12 pages for this outfit) and waited.

I continued my duties in Mayberry and some time passed. Finally I recieved my golden invitation in the mail. My wife was on vacation and my parents babysat the kids. We drove drove there and I rented a hotel room with a view of the ocean. Now, mind you, this was all at my expense. I had enough comp. time built up, so at least it didn't cost me pay. We were down there for 3 days. I took an eight hour written exam, spoke with a shrink, ran an obstacle course, took a physical, and even a polygraph test. Yep, these big boys didn't mess around. I got a tour of the academy and a chance to see the raw recruits. Poor guys and girls being drilled like marine boots. The last day was the dreaded review board. This time I was prepared and bit back. I wanted the job but not bad enough to be brow-beaten. Anyway, I thought it looked good. I'd finished within the top 20 of the 100 or so applicants. We drove home and I waited.

My wife didn't want to move to the South Texas coast, something to do with hurricanes. Myself, I'd moved to Hatties for a real police job. To be honest I was sick of being a joke. A small town Chief is just that. He or she serves to please the Mayor and City council. It's alot more politics than police work. I dare say, I spent more time balancing the books than fighting crime. Of course I had expected that. I mean, there wasn't much crime to fight. Oh sure, those hundreds of traffic stops produced some good felony arrest. But, the city just didn't have many business to rob, no banks to hold up, not even a bar to fight in. Now what fun is that ? Yep, the real world was passing me by. Me and Elsie had discussed it. She was a fat white cow with balck spots. She'd stand next to my patrol car for hours as I ran radar. I'd bring carrots to feed her, she'd tell her problems and I her's. Yep, miss ole Elsie, everytime I eat a steak I think of her.

Lets break here, Snazzers and Snazettes. The Snazy1.

 

Missing Scarecrow too.

I'm here now. I've been crazy busy between movin' and work. Just got my internet hooked up here a couple days ago, but had to go back to work right after Larry the Cable Guy left. I didn't realize I'd been gone so long, but I had to read about 6 pages to get caught up.

As usual, great stories my friend. I'd love to put these all together in a book for ya, for a nominal share of the sales profits of course

 

Okay Scarecrow get busy pasting, copying, editing, binding, and publishing. I'll continue clicking the keys and sniffing the glue. Yep, A fine team and what a deal. We need Ducks for photos and she works for Snazzy points. Ducks, Ducks, here Ducky. Shoot no Ducks ! Life Goes On.

I pulled up and parked in front of the city hall. It was spring of 1981 and a beautiful day. I had a stero installed in Mayberry 1 and waited for the song to finish. It was Smiling Faces, by some group, " Smiling faces, smiling faces, sometimes, they don't tell the truth, smiling faces, smiling faces, beware of smiling faces...".

The Mayor's nephew, (the police commisioner,) (gag,), was waiting for me. We entered my office. I sat behind my desk and he stood pacing.

He bagan, " Now, Barney it's none of my business and you can tell me that ! I know that my Aunt is a little hard to please. You know how she is. But I just did what she said. It's not what it looks like. Sure it's taken a little longer than I expected. Heck in a couple of months, it's like said. It'll be better, I'm thinking if we pull out now, we'd be losers for sure. You know how those investments go. One day your down, the next week. Well, you know how that works. I guess, I'm just asking for some more time. There's no need for the fed's. Heck, you know me ! I'm not saying that some of the money might be a little hard to account for. Now, who hasn't spent a little of their investment funds ? I got a good deal on that Corvette. Heck, I can sale it at a profit. The city's not going to lose a penny. So, is it too late ? "

I took a swig from my Dr. Pepper and let the bubbles tickle my nose hairs. I shuffled some papers in front of me. I then pondered before asking, " Gee, you got me ! So, you uh, think uh, maybe ? I ? Well, uh. What feds ? "

The nephew, " You know, that agent, you called. He's been here. Like I said there's no need to blow all this up. It's just a few hundred dollars. It's not like anythings wrong. Heck, you can just tell him, you found it. I can get my Aunt to put the money back. She's got enough in the bank to do that. I just didn't want to bother her. It's better we just handle it. If you'd come to me in the first place. I know you were just doing your job. I'd of done the samething. Heck, anyone would have. But, now that you know the money wasn't stolen, we can just let time take it's course. Like we planned to in the first place. We'll have that $ 10k plus the interest. Those investments are sound. Sure they took a hit, but they all do. So, what do you say ? "

I took another swig, " What $10,000 ?

The nephew, " That's right you weren't here. You remember that guy ? The one that had all that cash in his ice-chest. Well, that car he was driving was stolen. Remember ? Anyway, the district attorney called here. You were out of town and so I went down there. They gave me the cash, it was still in the ice-chest. They didn't give me the marijuana back, he-he, haw-haw. So, since they couldn't pin the dope on the guy. Something about he claimed the ice-chest wasn't his and he didn't know where it came from. Anyway, so they worked a deal. He pled guilty to stealing the pickup and got like 25 years. I think 20 years of that was for his parole violation. Anyhow, the owner of the pickup flat denied knowing anything about nothing. So, after 90 days the property belongs to the city. I just signed for it, that's all ! "

Have to break, puter is clattering. Be righy back I hope. Snazzy.

 

As the nephew was winding down, I got a mental image of what all had happend. Geez, I'd been out there risking my life and the nephew had been swindling the city out of $ 10,000 bucks. What a deal.

The nephew excused himself for a potty break. I was still churning all the events over in my mind. Several options popped up. Okay, I could arrest the nephew for theft. That way I wouldn't have my neck in a noose. I could play along and let the money be returned to the city. I could...

I was interrupted with my thoughts. An older gentleman wearing a suit, tie, and foster grants entered my office. I stood and offerred my hand. The agent shook it and took a seat. A loud roar of spinning tires could be heard coming from the parkinglot. The agent unfolded his badge case, my eyes got full of F.B.I.

The Agent, " Hate to bother you, Chief. First, let me applogize, I hate doing this. It's just a formality, you know, cover my butt type deal. Anyway, seems you arrested a woman a few weeks ago. Let's see, a Miss Wildcat, that you got for some drugs and resisting arrest. You remember that ? Anyhow, she's filed a civil rights violation against you. Now, before we get started, I need to read you your rights. "

Great I thought. The whole time the agent spoke, I had an urge to draw my 357 and blow my brains out. What the hell ! Man, heres a deal, I bust a dope fiend, and I'm the one being investigated. Not to mention the ole six fingered nephew, now probably speeding to Mexico. Great, what else can happen. I just don't believe this.

The Agent, " All I need is a statement from you. I've done some background work. Seems this coke-head has filed these type complaints before. You know her family has some money. You might look into a lawsuit for those injuries you got. "

The agent tossed the pictures on my desk. I recognized myself immedately. Yep, those were taken the same day of the arrest. Geez, I was a mess. As I thumbed through the photos, the agent plopped down some more. It looked like Miss Wildcat was posing for Playboy. I could see a few bruises around her left nipple and on her round butt. Heck, cleaned up she didn't look half bad. As the agent waited for my typed statement, I ran one of those what if questions by him.

Barney, " Say, now this is just a question I have. What if a city official took some money ? Let's say around $ 10,000 dollars. They didn't turn the money in, and I'm just curious. You know, would that be a federal case ? I mean, just because their city officials and it's city funds ? I'm just nosey, you know, would the F.B.I. be the ones to investigate ? I'm just asking because I'd like to get an idea of what ya'll do. Really nothing going on here. You, know, what if ? Say, you know, just a what if ? "

The Agent, " Good question, I'd say it depends. Now, if this is tax money or say, department funds. I guess we'd look into it. But, say it's found money. Okay, I worked a case like that not long ago. An employee of a city found a briefcase full of cash. The city required that all property found on city time be turned in. Of course this gal was a dogcatcher. She took the money home and didn't turn it in. The city found out and wanted her arrested. We got called in on the case. Now, if that money had been on city property or the city could of shown they were the rightful owners. "

The agent was interrupted by the nephew. He stormed in and dumped the whole $10,000 in cash on my desk. The agent's mouth dropped open and his eyes bulged. The nephew started in.

Nephew, " That's every dime of it ! Not a nickel short ! My aunt will swear that she's the city Mayor and approved for me to invest it. Ya'll ain't got nothing on me ! You just try to lock me up ! My lawyer will defend me and I'll end up owning this town ! "

With that said, he made his exit, followed by the squeeling of tires in the parkinglot. The Agent gave me a strange look as I quickly scooped the cash into my desk drawer.

Barney, " Here's your typed statement. If there's anythng else you need just give me a shout. It' been nice meeting you. Hope this hasn't put you out too much. I'm really sorrry about all of this. Ill be more careful in the future. I don't want to bother you anymore. Jusy drop in anytime. "

The agent stood slowly and with that same confused look headed out the door. I grabbed the cash and counted it. Yep, it was all there. I filled out a property sheet and called the city treasurer. She came by and I had her sign for the it. She made out a deposit slip and I followed her to the big city bank.

What a mess, goodnight. The Snazzzy1.

 

Wow man! This life of yours has had it all, it seems....drugs, sex, love, extortion....and there's still 25+ years to go! Snazzy, you're a gold mine!

 

Yes Scarecow, As Life Goes On, I can see what a wasted life it was. Poor me, and all those reading this. Ducks ? Quack, quack, ducks ?

I sat watching the evenning news as our secreat service stood around like deers in the headlights, as ole trickle down was gunned down. The Hinkey, Henkly only was allowed to empity his Saturday night special before the deers subdued him. Of course Reagan only had a flesh wound that entered his left lung and dang near killed him. The bystanders weren' any luckier. Yep, wish I'd had those years of training and experience the deers had.

I was on patrol and passed by the city hall. Slick was parked and waiting for me. He got in the Enterprise and we went patrolling. Yep, to hear him tell it, he'd found a gold-mine. That city I had furnished his application to put him on as a Reserve Officer. That didn't surprise me since they had sent me a letter of reference on him. I had praised Slick so much I figured they'd make him Grand-poo-pa. Anyway, accorrding to Slick the city was rolling in doe and hiring state ceretified Officers, for full time employment. They had a city tax base, city manager, 15 sworn officers, their own jail, dispatch, fleet of patrol cars, furnished uniforms, handguns, and even sent their officers to advanced training schools. I was impressed to say the least. Slick went on about how likable the Chief was there. He was retired from Fort Worth and a real old school cop. A cop's-cop, down to earth, easy going, but tough, salt of the earth, a family man, dog lover, walked on water, spoke to the birds, could catch bullets in his mouth, faster than a speeding train. Yes, a real super chief, what a guy.

As Slick continued his sales pitch my ears perked up. Yep, good old Slick had gotten me hired on there. He handed me the 12 pager and smacked his gums,
" Just fill this out Barney, it's a done deal for you. That Chief listens to me. You know, he's already approved me for the academy. I've only worked there as a Reserve for two months. It's 'Fantastic !' You can't find a better department. I promise you, this is the best thang for both of us. Heck, who would of ever thought a couple of security guards would get such an opportunity ? Now, you did me a favor and I haven't forgotten. You sponsored me through reserve school and your the one who got me on the reserves there. I don't forget things like that ! So what do you say ? "

I was in shock to say the least. I mean, this sounded too good to be true. Sure, it wasn't a big department and I wouldn't be Chief. But hey. It was a suburb of Fort Worth and had a need for a police department. They had money, there was a chance for promotion, the pay was better, I could do some real police work, it sure couldn't hurt my career, it would look good on my resume, and what the heck, I was sick of Mayberry.

Barney, " Tell you what Slick, I'll fill this out and turn it in. If they offer me a job, I'll sure consider it, but I'll have to think about it. I'm still waiting to hear from that big city. It's been over three months since I applied there. Let me find out what's up with them. Like I say, I'll probably be willing to go to work where your at. I need to run this by my wife and I can't just leave Mayberry without some notice. They've been good to here and to be honest I feel a bit obligated. Let me just test the waters. I'll turn the application in and then we'll take it from there. Who knows ? Heck, they might run me out the door and not want to hire me. "

Slick went for the sales close, " Man, Barney after all you've done for this city ? What did they do ? Put some relative in as a police commisioner to ride herd over you. Then that Mayor ? Shoot, some Mayor ! You kept this department together. I 've told the Chief all about you and he wants you. He wouldn't of given me that application for you. He'll hire you, trust me, and if that big city calls you can go there. This is a career booster ! Trust me, when I ran my own business I looked for men like you."

I thanked Slick and dropped him off at his car. I then went and parked next to Elsie. She listend and ate the carrots I'd brought. Decision, decisions.

Lets break, Snazzy1.

 

Hey, Snazz -- I'm back! Had some gorgeous weather here and posted only intermittently over the weekend. Spent as much time as possible outside sucking up the cooler temps and nice breeze.

In fact, ran across one of your old friends yesterday. Elsie says she misses ya'... wants to know you're gonna come visit again...

​