Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Hey!! You cant die yet!! theres still about 15 years or so to go. Who is going to tell the rest of your story if you kill yourself halfway thru the story?

 

Easy, Fred. He meant he died of laughter cuz he knew everyone would freak right there if he ended the post like that. That sneaky Snazzy...

 

Now, Fastfred who's telling these lies ? I can die if I want to. But, thanks for being concerned and staying tuned. Let's see what happens as Life Goes On, Life Ain't Alway's Snazzy, or Whatever Ya'll Call This.

My funeral was a much bigger to do than I would of ever expected. Yep, I was watching from the open casket. Let's see, the honor guard of Idiots marched in. All five were wearing police dress blues complete with golden badges that had black tape across them. Lt Warts led the group and he carried the City of Idiots flag mounted on the 5' foot pole. The other four Idiots in dress blues marched behind him and carried their m-16s at shoulder arms. My Wifey was seated on the front pew and her face was half veiled in black net lace. It matched her black dress and black high heels. If her dress had been a couple of inches higher I could of gotten a good squirl shot. Geez ! I figured to bring that up when we got home. Capt Crap Pants was seated next to my Wifey and held her hand. Sexy Thang was the only one crying and was wearing her panties only. Ruff ! The rest of the mourners were eatting popcorn and sipping on Big Gulps. I wanted to get up in leave as Chief E.T. took the podium and began his eulogy. As slow as he talked we'd be here for eternity.

Chief E.T. cleared his throat, " We're here......to.......honor.....Baaarneeey. He waaaaas.......a.............goooood......maaaaan......! "

I have to speed this part up. blah , blah, blah, and then .

Chief E.T. blew his nose, " Yes, he's left us now. But, he leaves behind a loving family. We all know what a great father and husband Barney was. His whole life was dedicated to them. But, we all know that Barney had two loves. ( I rolled over in the box ). Yes, Barney loved being a cop more than life. His dedication and sacrafice is the ultimate price that any man can give. He was truely one of our Idiot's finest. Now, I've said about all I can. I've used words like leaving behind, sacrafice, and ultimate price. That brings me to this. "

Chief Barney presented my widow the freshly typed paper. My Wifey was to tearful to read it.

Capt Crap Pants stood and slipped on his reading glasses, " This is from our City of Idiots attorney's office and has been duely filed with our state court. We the City of Idiots hereby and so forth serve this upon the sole and final estate of Barney. Hereby and futher referred to as the party of this action. Twelve thousand, eight hundred, and thirt six dollars, to be paid to the City of Idiots for the replacement of one 1989, Crown Victory, with police package, and other optional equipment. "

" Blackie's voice boomed loud, " You better snap to, you got cars to haul ! "

My eyes slowly opened as I became focussed. Yep, I'd been in a coma for two days. Blackie, Mrs Black # 1, Wifey, Chief E.T., Capt Crap, Sgt Huey, Sgt Pope, and few others were in my room. I had hoses and tubes hooked to me and was still in a confused state. The Doctor rushed in and all my guest were escorted out.

Let's break here Snazzy ones, your Snazzy1.

 

Yep, ain't no pulling the wool, eerrr straw, over Scarecrow's eyes.

The doctor filled me in on my condition. I hadn't been shot at all. It seems that when I rear ended Desperado's stolen pickup, I had broken a small bone in my ankle. Then when I had leaped from the Chief's car I futher injured it, causing it to fracture, thus the bleeding. Then when the medic gave me that intravenous drip of saline solution. Well, he gave me the wrong one. It was suppose to keep me hydrated and prevent shock. Nope, it was for stroke victims and my system shut down. What a deal ! Anyway, I only spent four days in the hospital and was back home. I was prescribed about five different pain pills and my right foot flopped like a flapper. Yep, it was like a duck's webbed foot. Now, it didn't hurt, but my ankle was sore as heck ! I had small cast that went from the heel of my foot, up to just below my knee. I was on medical leave and my Wifey took a weeks vacation to care for me.

Ole Desperado was in alot better shape physically than I was. Yep, his only injuries were some cuts and bruises from being drug out of the pickup. Out of over 30 rounds fired (five being mine) not one had hit him. It seems that the Silverado pickup had a steele guard inside the doors to protect from side impacts. Yep, my .38 shot pattern was perfect in the driver's door. Anyone of my rounds would of most likely been fatal if they had penitrated. An autopsy of the door revealed all 5 slugs were inbedded in that steele. What a deal ! Was I mad ? No ! I never wanted to kill anybody. It was just a game we played with the bad guys. The victim was a retired school teacher from Florida and was visiting her son in Fort Worth. The Desperado had stolen the pickup and was attempting a burglary at the son's home. Anyway, he had broken in not knowing the woman was there. So, he decided to tie her up and take her for a one way ride. He'd pawned the stolen goods and was about to dispose of her. Well, he had gotten hungrey and decided on the double cheese with fries. That's when she made her great escape. I just happend to be there and was happy she was alright. Desperado never was convicted for his Texas crimes. He commited sucide inside an Oklahoma jail several months later. He was wanted there for murder before he even came to Texas. Of his 30 years on earth he'd spent at least 10 years serving hard prison time. Yep, I think of him alot. Especially when the weather changes and my ankle really smarts.

Let's break, your Snazzy1.

 

I was off work for about one month and that month changed my life forever. It was during my Wifey's time off to care for me, that I realized how little she cared. Yep, she'd make sure I had something to warm up for my dinner and that my sheets were clean. Then she'd lite out and not return untll the bars closed. I was pretty mad and more upset than I should of been. I guess what had angered me the most was her using our daughters as pawns to cover her cheating. Of course I'd used my job as an excuse and tried to reason things out. Some things happen in life for no good reason. From the very first time I'd ever stepped out of our marriage, I had certain rules. The number # 1 rule was that no woman I ever cheated with was worth my marriage. If that bimbo would cheat with a married man, she sure wouldn't hesitate to cheat in her own marriage. I had never lied to any of the women and even warned them that I wasn't ever going to divorce my wife. I figured if they were looking for a husband that should of stopped them dead in thier tracks. Plus I never allowed myself to become too emotionally involved. Yep, Sexy Thang was just a live blow up doll in my mind. Oh sure I cared about her, but I didn't love her. I didn't mingle with her friends or take her out on dates. We just used each other and that, was that. She never made any demands of me, nor did she get jealous of my wife.

Women are different than men for the most part. I hate sterotyping, but I do believe that woman can't keep sex apart from love. Of course the lot lizards, fender lizards, crackheads, and some topless dancers are exceptions. So, I tried to rationalize, an unrational situation ? Yep, I went nuts ! I decided to confirm my suspiciouns. You remember that song about Ruby ? Yep, that one about the veteran that knew his wife was taking her love to town ? He was crippled and if he could he'd put her in the ground ! Well, I wasn't looking to put anyone in the ground. But, I was looking to fight for what was mine ! Nobody was going to take my Wifey after 20 years of hell !

So, I got off my death bed. Well, okay I hobbled off the coach and set my beer down. My daughters had been staying over with some friends, so my Wifey could spend more time taking care of me. Yeah, sure ! Anyway, it was the same old song different verse. She was suppose to go check on our girls and then meet with some of her friends. Something to do about an upcoming cheerleading camp. Anyway, as soon as her perfumed butt hit the door I put my plan into action. I grabbed my two aluminum crutches and rushed to my car. It was an M.G. midget convertible that I had been restoring. I cranked her up and drove straight over to where my daughters were staying. Nope, no Wifey ! I sat there for a good half an hour and finally decided to go to plan # 2. I went to the closest bar and got drunk ! Yep, I'd show that woman who was boss. Just drink myself to death and then where would she be ? Yep, I'll show her ! Hiccup !

Let's break, Snazzy1.

 

The club I was in, was the nearest one to my home. I didn't like drinking there for two reasons. First, it was within the city limits of Idiot City which put me violation of police department policy. Yep, that was good for a weeks suspension, like I cared ! Secondly, it was too high-brow for my taste. I liked saw dust floors, jukeboxs, and cold beer. This place was new and cattered to Yuppies. Yuck ! A bunch of suburban pukes that cared more about their appearances than being social. A whole bar full of phonies and want to be seen types. I sat at the bar and swigged down a few. It was a Saturday night and the club filled up. I just kept to myself and stewed. There was one of those full wall mirrors that reflected the backgound view. I'd glance in it every other swig in case some Idiot Officer decided to make a bar check. It was around 9 pm when the band took the stage. They stunk ! But hey, I didn't say a word. Nope, I just sat and sipped. I decided to go to the little boy's room and mounted my crutches. Those slick waxed floors made the long journey interesting. I wasn't all that drunk, at least not near as crocked as I'd liked.

The band took a break and some type of old disco music filled the air. I washed my hands and started back to the bar. I no sooner had exited the restroom when I spotted my Wifey. Yep, her and the lead guitarist of that awful sounding band. That's when it hit me. Yep, I remember her telling me that her boss at work played in a band. He sometimes had played the clubs in Idiot City and she wondered if I knew him. That stupid fool ! If he was poking my ole lady he best be on guard ! I kept in shadows and watched. Wifey was twirlling and spinning and ole guitarman was playing my Wifey like a 12 string getfiddle !

They hugged and smooched as they walked hand in hand to thier table. I slowly made my way back to the bar and took my last gulp. I was as red as a firecracker and ready to explode. Ole Wifey had guitarman lift her to her high rised stool. These stools were custom made and when seated you were perched a good 5' above the floor. I guess what made the maddest was how Wifey was dressed. She'd left wearing jeans and boots. Now she was in that short purple dress that always had been my favorite. Old guitarman stood about 6' tall, was skinny, maybe a 150 lbs, a little younger than my 37 years, and had an Ostrich Neck, and goofey smile. Yep, I was ready to wring someone's neck. So, I point my crutches and head over. Wifey was taken by surprise as I placed my aluminum right arm ontop of her table. Ole Ostrich Neck didn't have a clue.

I was firm, but tried to not sound hateful, " We need to talk ! "
Wifey was lost for words, " O "
Ostrich Neck stood and stuck out his hand, " How's it going ? "
I poked ole Ostrich Neck in his chest with my left aluminum arm, " You ! You, best take a walk ! I need to speak to my WIFE ! "

Ostrich Neck ran like a little girl and never looked back. I stared at my wife and I'm sure the hurt on my face showed. She looked down and avoided my eyes.

I held my temper, " Look ! We need to get out of here ! I don't know what you think your doing.....
Wifey exploded, " I'm not doing anything ! Just leave me be ! That's the rudest thing you've ever done ! "

I guess there's things in life that one never forgets. It plays in my mind in slow motion everytime I think back to it.

"RUDE ! RUDE ! I'LL SHOW YOU RUDE ! ", I don't remember poking her with that crutch. I do, and will always remember, that slow motion tumble. Yep, straight back, with her legs straight in air, over her head, and that dress opened up like an umbrella in a hurricane. The beaver grinned as it followed gravity behind the table. The thud was music to my ears !

I slowly turned and shuffled for the door. I was hoping someone, anyone, would of tried to stop me. I've never been that angry in my life. I've always been happy that no one was hurt. Well, Wifey did have a bruised rump and I''m sure her pride was a bit shaken. But, Life Goes On.

Let's break. Your Snazzy1.

 

I am so sorry to hear this chapter of the story. I know that you certainly weren't an angel at this part of your life, but I can imagine how you felt at that moment.

 

Yes, Bullhaulerswife there is no escaping the Snazze. You must read on and there is no time for vacations. Your getting sleepy, sleepy, read on ! Now, Leannamarie, I'm shocked that you actually feel my pain. I figured I'd lose all the female readers by now and all the males in the next few episodes. Maybe I'm right about being wrong ? I guess what I mean is Life Goes On.

I took it like a man and went home. Yep, when she gets here we'll have it out ! I thought about going back. Nope ! Best to just sit tight and wait. I poured the beer down the drain ! I sat and watched the clock tick, tick, tick, tick, and crap ! No Wifey ! So, around 4 am I collapsed on the kitchen floor. Let's see, I was in a fetal posistion and I'm sure if I'd had a piece of pickleloaf hanging out of my mouth, I'd looked alot like the kid on the floor of the grocery store. I sure felt like I had been cut in half with a shotgun blast. Night turned to day and still no Wifey ! I was going crazy. I wanted to call Sexy Thang, but I couldn't. You know how your mind makes deals with itself ? If I don't call her, well everything will be okay ! Crap ! I really had gone nuts. So, I drug myself over to Blackie's bar. The usual low lives were all there. I fit right in and ordered a picture of golden brew. The jukebox sang ' Your Cheating Heart '. Crap, just what I needed to hear. So, I tried calling home. The phone answered, but slammed down the second I spoke. So, I raced home in the M.G. and slid up in the drive. Wifey's LTD was half filled with our daughters stuff and her's.

I hobbled in on my crutches making extra sure my face showed immense pain. Wifey was darting room to room, handing my oldest girl the selected items. I stood motionless and silent. Wifey pushed past me and grabbed another armfull of my misery.

Finally she spoke, " Here take this out and wait in the car. "

My daugher gave me that disgusted look, that she'd learned from guess who, and brushed past me.

I finally found my voice, " Look ! We need to talk ! This is crazy ! Lets sit down and discuss it. I'm sorry that I hit you last night. It's just that I love so much ! I can't believe this is happening. Just think for a minute, before things go too far. Don't tell me, you don't love me. "

My voice cracked and the tears began to flow. Wifey ignored me as she headed for the kitchen. I followed her and sat down at the table. She slammed a couple drawers and ripped open the icebox.

Wifey had her head burried in the box, " You love me ! That's why you tried to kill me ? That's funny ! Your lucky Guitarman didn't whip your butt ! He'd shown you a thang or two ! "

I leaped up, " That Ostrich Neck, piece of crap ! I'll kill him with bare hands !
Girl ! You better wake up ! This ain't no joke ! I will ! I could of smoked him last night if I wanted to ! Not a jury in this world of blamed me ! Man ! Some balls he's got ! I guess, I'll just have to prove it ! Is that what you want ? "

Wifey pulled her head out of the box, " Real tough guy ! A man treats me some respect and you have to kill him ! Go ahead ! You think he doesn't know about you ! He knows ! He might carry a gun too ! You ever think about that ? Some men aren't afraid of you ! Sure your hot snot and a big man with that monkey suit on. But, without that badge your nothing ! He's not afraid of you ! "

I decided to show a little anger and flipped over the table, " Look ! See how easy that was ! That could be ole Ostrich Neck laying right there ! See ! "

I slapped my wrist and pow, pow, pow, and pow ! Yep, I killed my dinning table deader than hell. Amongest the splinters and gunsmoke, Wifey froze like a statue.

I raised the gun to my head, " I can't live like this ! I mean it ! You and those girls are my life ! We can work this out ! Please ! "

My daughter rushed in and I realized things had too far. I threw the gun down and fell to my knees. I couldn't speak, I just balled over and cried. Wifey was out the door and gone.

Life Goes On, Snazzy.

 

Going crazy was easy for me and I did a fine job of it. I knew that I needed to just get away. So, I still wasn't physically fit to drive any long distances. Sgt Party at the S.O. had an extradition from Detroit back to Tarrant County. So, we flew up there and rented a car. After arriving we discovered that there was some paperwork foul-up. So, we decided to drive over the Windsor bridge and spent a couple of days with our Canadian neighbors.

Detroit looked like a bombed out city and I still can't believe the shape it was in. I actually spoke with an Officer there driving a patrol car that was missing the driver's door. It had been damaged and there was no money to fix it. What a deal ! Anyway, Windsor was a beautiful city and sits just South of Detroit. Yes, South of Detroit ! Look, if you don't believe me. So, Sgt Party and I went to a local club. It was a nice place and was filled with fine funny talking folks. Of course we probably sounded strange to them. Anyway, after about 10 shots of free Windsor, I updated him on my situation. I knew that Sgt Party was an expert when it came to women.

Sgt Party sucked on a lemon and threw back a shot, " Well, it sounds like a classic case of grudge puss ! Yep, she's not serious about breaking up with you ! That's why she met that Ostrach Neck close to home. See, she wanted you to catch her. Now, here's what you need to do. You have win her back ! Yep, suck eggs and act the part. You know, act like your willing to change. Send her some flowers and a love letter. Fix that house up while she's gone. Pick out some paint colors that you know are her favorite. Paint all the walls in every room. Go buy yourself some nice clothes and look sharp. Let her see what she'll be giving up ! Now, as far as ole Ostrech goes, just leave him alone. He's just chasing it and maybe he got lucky. So what ! He's not going to move her in ! Hell, I bet he's married ! As soon as he sees what's going on he'll move on. Your taking all this too serious ! It's just a bump in the road. Trust me, Iv'e married six times and I know ! "

I gulped down a beer chaser, " Okay ! So, I'm suppose to let Ostrech drill my Wifey and I'm going to be playing house painter ? Seems a little one sided to me ! How about I just kill Ostrech Neck and fingerpaint my bedroom with his blood ? I could hang his gonads up on the ceiling fan ! "

Sgt Party placed his elbows ontop of the bar and placed his fingers across his forehead, " Your nuts ! What if you do that ? Think your Wifey will come running home ? Hell, she's already scared to death of you ! That shooting up your house could of gotten you arrested ! Why she didn't call that in is a mystery to me ! Either she's scared death or maybe she knows if she cost your job ? Well anyway, do what you want ! I'm just telling you what I'd do in your situation. "

A couple of attractive Canandian Moosettes heard that we from the Republic of Texas. They joined us and what night. I really don't remember all the details, but when Sgt Party and I left Canada we got special treatment. Yep, an escort by the Canadian Mounted Police. Well, they weren't on horseback, but as big as they were. Well, you get the picture.

I went straight to work when I got back. The paint looked good and I even remodeled our master bedroom bath. Yep, life sucked ! I never knew how lonely that house could be. Wifey never even called me. She had snuck over while I had been gone and removed everything. Well, except my stuff and the furniture. So, I went to my last Doctor's appointment and got a medical release. I tried to return to work, but my heart wasn't in it. It had broken into a thousand pieces and I was just a clown in a monkey suit. What a deal ! I finally called Sexy Thang and she was aware of it all. Yep, her posistion at the local 8-12 kept her a breast of all the Idiot gossip. Of course the part about me killing a guy and fleeing to Canada wasn't true.

We decided to take a road trip on Blackie's dime. I called and Mrs Black had a run to California hauling some new cars. I did some figuring and if me and Sexy Thang were to leave the minute she got work. Well, we could just make the trip in time and return without missing any hours from our regular jobs.


Let's break, your Snazzy1.