Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Say WHAT?

END ? Snazzy Stories

Are YOU kiddin........'NEVER'.

As long as there's a 'Snazz' there will be STORIES!

LOTS of 'em. Some 'Happy', some sad, but always entertaining!

I'm just waiting for him to tour!

I'm think mountains, sleepin under the stars, Campfire Snazz Stories

We'll call it 'SNAZZ FEST'.

Watcha think Snazz ? ? ?

 

Yes Attitude, a wonderful ending full of honey, rose petals, and fluffy clouds. A happier man will never exisit, I think I'll go and slash my wrist. AfterShock, we still have about 18 years left, as Life Goes On !

It started out with just a small viobration. You know, like a low tire. I eased Maxine into a rest area and got out to inspect her. That's when life bit me in the buns. Yep, her passenger front wheel was leaning outward. My first thought was that some lugnuts must have fallen off. Nope, they were all there and tight. So, I crawled under her to get a better view. Hmm, that looks like a stinkbug or maybe some sort of beatle, glad I didn't lay on it. So, that's the thang-of-my-jig and there's the what-ya-may-call-it ! Hmm, yep, a stinkbug alright, smell that ? So, the picos looks like it's rubbing against the do-dad. Not good ! Let's see, maybe if use this stick ? Yep, if I can flip it back over there. There it goes ! Man, dang ole bugs ! Okay, that's better. Where was I ? Hmm ? Yep, I'll ease her back on the service road and find a shop to take a look at her.

So, every so slowly, I inched my way back towards that sign off the freeway. Yep, there she is, I'll just take this dirt road. Hmm, it can't be much futher ? Thirty miles later I pulled up to the barn, as the chickens and goats ran for thier lives. I pulled the button and climbed down. The owner came out and greeted me. He looked alot like W.C. Fields and was wearing a pair of overalls. The straw in his mouth did his talking.

The Straw, " Well fella, looks like ya got a problem ! "

I hate it when people state the obvious, " Yep, it just happend a few miles back. Think you can take a look at her ? "

The Straw, " I just called my mechanic and he's on his way. Come on in and sit a spell. Where you out of ?

I wiped the dog crap off my shoe, " I'm out of Idiot City and headed to Waco. I picked those cars up in L.A. and need to keep running just as soon as I can ! So, ya'll do frontend repair ? "

The Straw, " We do it all ! Engines, brakes, a.c. repair, flats, batteries, the works ! So, you own that Mack or just drive her ? "

We entered the barn office, " I own and drive her. She's got got a few miles on her, but I guess we all do."

The Straw sat behind his desk. Well, it was a t.v. tray with a calcuator ontop and a ripped up bucket seat, from a Ford Mustang with wooden legs. I pulled up a chair. Well, an empity bucket that once held some sort of grease or something.

The Straw, " I'll need you to sign this work order. It's just gives us the go ahead to check her out. He'll be here soon and I'll have him get right on it."

I signed the work order, " So, do I need to pull her in here ? "

The Straw, " Nope ! He'll check her out and see what's wrong. Looks to me like a broken leaf spring. Those can be expensive, how you planning to pay?"

I hesitated, " Expensive ? How much are we talking about ? "

The Straw, " It depends on what the parts will run and how much shop time we're looking at. Let's see ? "

The calculator clicked away as The Straw's fingers typed. I heard a car pull up and the mechanic entered, wearing grease covered overalls and puffing on the stinky cigar. Of course he stunk worse that it did. He reminded me of the old cartoon character Brutus from Popeye.

The Cigar, " What have we got ? "

The Straw, " It's that Mack out front ! Check it out and let me know ! "

The Cigar disappeared outside as The Staw continued typing away. I didn't know whether to go outside or stay seated. So, I kept my seat. The Straw dangled the white paper tape and put on his glasses.

The Straw, " Well, let's wait and see what he says. Do you have a credit card or a local bank ? "

I stood and pulled my jeans out of my crack, " I've got some cash on me and I bank there in Idiot City. How much are we talking about ? "

The Straw, " Let's wait and see what he says ! Heck, there's no sense in guessing. We'll just have to wait and see. "

I knew that these guys were a bit shady, but I figured to just play along. Yep, I'd let him give me an estament and at least know what needed to be fixed. Then I could limp into town and get her done. So, I sat and waited.

Lets break for some pizza, your Snazzy1.

 

Hey Snazzy, I thought i could hear "dueling banjos" in the back of that barn. :smt017

 

A Snazz Fest ? Sounds good to me, Shandera. We can charge Snazzy points for admission and invite ole Willie Nelson. Yep Fastfred, banjos and you should of been there. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

The Cigar gave his report to the Straw, as both men ignored me. Straw started writting down the parts list.

The Straw licked the end of his pencil, " Carry the 7, add 12, sixteen minus thirty, and that comes to mumble, mumble, plus tax. So, your looking at around $ 600.00 for parts. "

I had to ask, " How about the labor and everything ? You know, the whole ball of wax ? "

The Straw, " Well, we get $40 per hour shop rate and that sure beats what those fancy truckstops charge ! Tell you what, you said this is a rush job and need to get rolling ? I can call the parts house and them Kingpins will be here, first thang in the morning ! Ole Cigar can have them old ones out by this evening. Right Cigar ? "

I caught that, " Kingpins ? I thought you said leaf springs ?

Cigar smoke blew, " It ain't them springs ! Who told you that ! Them Kingpins are plume wore thru and getting ready to fall out ! I don't how you drove her like that ! Your lucky you made it here ! "

The Straw concurred, " Now, ole Cigar climbed under her and he knows his business. Yep, if he says Kingpins, you can take that to the bank ! While we're talking about banks. Have you decided how your going to pay ? I'll need a deposit for them parts. Let's say $ 900.00 up front and you can pay the balance when we're done. ?

I caught that, " $900.00 ? What happend to $600.00 ? "

The Straw, " Well if you don't want them new steer tires, I can take them off. I'd sure put new ones on, if it were me ! Cigar said thier plum out of round ! "

Cigar had me follow him outside and showed me the colly flowered edges of my front tires. Yep, they sure were showing alot of uneven wear. So, my mind decided to save a buck. I lied and told them that I had two new tires back in Idiot City. So, they agreed to accept the $500.00 cash I had on me and to get right on it. The Straw got on the phone and ordered the parts. Cigar had me drop the trailer full of new sports cars next to the barn. I then parked Maxine inside the barn and The Cigar went to work.

The Straw got into his pickup. " Okay, I'll see you boys in the morning. Cigar make sure you lock up when you leave and show Barney there where he can bed down at."

Cigar was fighting with the house jack that he was using to lift Maxine. It was an old screw type that he'd put wooden blocks under. I decided to help and ended up doing the work, as Cigar supervised me. We, I mean, I finally got her done as Cigar took a swig off his pint of spirits. He then fetched a large 4 way lug wrench and had me hold one end. He jumped up and down on the other end and the lugnuts broke loose. He then sat down and took another snort. So, I went ahead and tilted Maxine's cab forward and heard all my stuff crash towards her windshield. Cigar broke loose some bolts and then armed himself with a sledge hammer. Yep, this was all new to me. What a deal ! So, after an hour of hammering, cussing, and snorting, ole Cigar gave up.

Cigar threw down the hammer, " She wants to play rough ! I'll rip her pins out with my bare teeth ! Come on ##### ! Make my day ! "

I tried to calm the domestic dispute, " Say, Cigar you think maybe if we soaked her in some W.C. 30, that might help ? "

Cigar ignored me as he lit the torch and flames shot out. It reminded me of the Marines on the History Channel. You know, flame thrower and all. Anyway after I put the fire out and got Cigar settled down. He realized that it was just second degree burns, over 60 percent of his body,and no need for an ambulance. I was beginning to have second thoughts about my choice of repair shops, when I heard the pin drop. I was relieved to see one of the kingpins on the floor and not a gernade pin. So, Cigar made himself a toast and took another swig. I did a jig, but not in celebration, that dang pin was hotter than hell !

Lets break my right cheek is throbbing. Snazzy1.

 

Cigar showed me to my sleeping quarters, which was in the loft of the barn. As soon as he left I lowered Maxcine's cab and slept in her sleeper. No way was I going bed down on that urine stained mattress that smelled of chicken feces. So, at the crack of 8 am, The Straw waddled in and made enough noise to wake the dead (me). Anyway, I crawled out of the sleeper and walked to the outhouse. Yep, OUTHOUSE ! So, I do my morning constitution and wipe with Sear's catalogue, pages 143 and 145 (page 144 was missing.) So, I go back inside and The Straw is behind his desk, well t.v. tray.

I had to ask, " Say Straw, them parts come in yet ? "

Straw flapped his sports page, " Hell man, it's early yet ! Did Cigar get them old pins out ? "

I didn't want to complain, " He got one of them out and said he'd be here early. I'd like get this over with as soon as possible. Where is he ? "

Straw never looked up, " He'll be here directly. How late did he stay ? "

I tried to think, " I guess sometime around 9 or a little after ? "

The Straw grabbed the pencil from behind his ear, " It was later than that ! My house sets right behind here and I heard him leaving after I went to bed, so it was at least, 11 pm ! "

As The Straw spoke, Cigar stumbled in and looked as drunk as a skunk. He rolled up his overall's pant leg.

It was show and tell, " Look at that ! Dang old welding sparks, liked to have got me ! Yep, look here at the other leg ! See ! Man, I don't think I can work today ! So, Straw how about a little pay advance and let me have off ! "

The Straw looked concerned, " Well, it don't look that bad. Let me run up to the house and get some butter to put on it. We need get this man rolling, so go ahead pull that other pin. Now be careful using that torch ! Remember when you caught the place on fire ? We don't need that again ! "

Straw made his way to the exit as the goats followed him. Cigar sat behind the t.v. tray and looked at the sport's page. I tried not act upset.

I pointed to the phone on the floor, " Hey, Cigar think I can use that ? I need to call my office and tell them what's up. "

Cigar never looked up, " That phone is for local calls only ! Straw won't let no one make no long distance calls from here. Best just wait anyhow, so you know what that final bill is going to be. You never know about these things untill you get it all apart. "

I tried to explain, " This isn't about the bill. I need to let my company know that I'm out of service. That's a secure load I'm hauling and I have to call in anytime I'm held up. It's a free 800 number and you can dial it. "

Cigar picked up the funny papers, " Nope ! If ain't local then you can't call it and that's a rule. See that sign there on the wall. It says. Well, it use to be up there and it said, " you can't use the phone, perod ! "

A white pickup pulled in and another hillbilly inbreed joined in.

He threw the box down, " Gots them there parts for you Cigar ! Heck, your lucky we had them in stock. So, where's The Straw at ? "

Cigar tossed the funnies down, " Here I'll sign for em. When Straw ain't here I'm in charge ! Now where do I make my mark ? "

The hillbilly pointed and Cigar made his x. The hillbilly left the yellow copy and exited. Cigar threw his feet back on the t.v. tray and puffed a smoke circle towards the ceiling. Now I knew how upper management works. Geez! The Straw drove back up and carried in the miracle drug. I watched as Dr. Straw applied the butter on the two hairy calves. Then rubbed some on Cigar's legs. I went outside and couldn't help from laughing. What a deal ! So, finally Cigar begins where he left off. More cussing, hammering, and then the flame thrower. The second pin fell to it's firey death and I didn't pick that one up ! So, the parts get ripped from the box and Cigar stands there admiring them.

I waited long enough, " Anything wrong Cigar ? "

He held up one part, " This ain't right ! See that there doesn't look right. Let me check. Yep, see that old one that came out is different. Hey Straw come look at this ! "

The Straw put on his glasses, " Nope that's not it ! You'll need to find a number off that axle and see what it shows. "

I had to ask, " That's not the right parts ? "

The Straw shoved the part in my face, " See the difference ! That's not going to work ! Someones changed that axle out before. I called in them parts by the year and model. Yep, someone done switched that boeger out and that's why they don't match ! "

Cigar handed Straw the piece of paper, " That's what's on the axle and I bet someone changed that thang out before ! Dang, shadetree mechanics ! Best, they left stuff alone. You didn't do it did ya ? "

I was hurt by being accused, " Nope ! I've never worked on her ! Maybe, the man I bought her from had it changed out ? So, what now ? "

The Straw spat, " Well, no parts, no fix ! I'll have to call these numbers in and hope they have it. Otherwise ? Well, you tell me ! "

I stood there as The Straw and Ciger marched to the t.v. tray. A few minutes passed before the bad news was delivered. Yep, the right parts were in Dallas and it'd be tomorrow before they could arrive by Bluehound Bus lines. Great !

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

I was smelling a rat but looks like you got a colony of them!

 

Yep Attitude and it get worse as, Life Goes On.

The parts didn't arrive untill two days later, because of the weekend. In the mean time I started looking like the guy on Monty Python. You know, the one that runs around with a beard. He looks like he just escaped from a deserted Island. His clothes are all ragged and he's nutty as a bedbug. Yep, I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. That's where the captive victim becomes delusional and believes his captures are his friends. Yep, me and Cigar even went fishing. I jumped up and down barefoot on the bank as my cane pole caught a snapping turtle. We had a hoedown that night in the barn with all the local hillbillies. I strummed the washboard, Cigar blew tempo with the gallon jug of moonshine, as Straw picked on his banjo. The boiled turtle was served up with extra servings of opossum pie. Life was good ! After the locals left, I bedded down on my yellow mattress in the loft. Early the next morning I gave the, ' Hoot Signal. ' Yep, city folk were headed up the dirt road. Straw met Blackie out front, as I climbed down the wooden ladder. Blackie's Peterbuilt idled in the background.

Balckie took one look at me, " Barney ? What the hell is going on ? Are you okay ? What happend to you ? "

I stood behind The Straw and let him do my talking, " Howdy stranger ! Ole Barney's fine, he's just held up with us untill his truck is fixed. Say ! That's a fine looken machine there you drive. We got a special on inframe overall's, errr overhauls. Yep, we can tear her down and have her running like new in no time ! "

Blackie was Blackie, " Listen you backwoods Idiot ! That is a new machine and if you as much as look at her, I'll tear you a new one ! Barney ! You better tell me what's going on ! "

I didn't trust City Folk Blackie, " How'd you find me is what I want to know!"

Blackie's temper raised, " I tracked down your fuel card and knew you had fueled back in Fort Worth ! So, I called the Mack dealers and there's just one within 100 miles of here. They said some kingpins were ordered the day you disappeared. Now what the hell is going on ? "

I started to come to my senses. " They ordered the wrong ones and I've been kept locked in that barn. I need to get going ! Why I am wearing these overalls and this straw hat ? "

Blackie took me to the side. " Here's your settlement checks and I'll swap trailers with you. I'll make them delivers and pickup that load of collector cars. You take my empity and get another load from that collector and we'll talk back in L.A. Now get your truck going and get a move on. We got cars to haul ! "

Blackie dropped and hooked, before speeding away. Cigar hammered in the Kingpins as I settled up with The Straw.

I looked over the bill, " So, this number on bottom is your phone number I should call ? "

The Straw grinned, " Nope ! That's what you owe me. It's all there and you should be happy. Yep, that's a fair price ! It's lucky you found us. Yep, it'd be twice that at a dealer ! "

I protested, " Wait a minute ! I didn't pay that much when I bought her. This can't be right ! A thousand dollars in parts ? How can it be over $3,000 for labor ? What's this entertainment fee, room and board, fishing guide crap ?"

The Straw explained, " Looke here ! You've had my bay tied up for near a dang week ! I had a man injured on the job ! That butter ain't free ! You slept in my shop and got all the snapping turtle and posseum pie you could eat. That pole cane and bait rents out by the hour ! Cigar showed you the best fishing hole in these parts. There were restocking fees for the wrong parts and don't forget the reshipping fees ! There was a storage fee for your trailer and fancy sports cars. Do I need go over the rest ? "

I stood firm, " I ain't paying ! That's way too much ! "

Straw's cousins arrived. Yep, the county Sheriff and county judge. What a deal ! So, after court in the barn, I was held down why my settlement checks were taken and cashed. Yep, I drove out pennyless and determined. But, hey I had my health and had learned a good lesson. As Life Goes On.

Your Snazzy1.

 

I hooked up to Blackie's empity trailer and beelined it to the collector. He was happy to see me and informed me that Blackie had already picked up a load. He helped me load up with 7 more muscle cars and signed my paperwork. I set sail for L.A. and drove like the wind. I noticed that Maxine was still viobrating, but I figured it was those out of round tires. The ones that I didn't let The Straw replace. Anyway, as soon as I reached the BAT yard in L.A. I unloaded. I then had Juan replace her steer tires as I walked my paperwork over to the offfice. I checked into my motel room, jumped into the shower, and took a much needed nap. The next morning I loaded up with new sports cars and headed East. Yep, I had this back to back stuff down to a science. I made a round trip without incident and found myself back where I started. Juan had some bad news that his sister interrupted to me. Yep, Juan had done a p.m. (preventative maintenance) on Maxcine and discovered that her new steer tires were worn out. Yep, just a little over 3,000 miles and both steer tires were bald as eagles. What a deal ! So, I had Juan throw another new set on and decided to get Blackie's advice.

Blackie met me over at the BAT motel bar after he'd looked over Maxcine. He gave me a phone number of a shop back in Fort Worth. He swore that this shop was the best of the best. All they did was frontend repair and lazer alignment. Yep, I'd need to call for an appointment and they'd fix ole Maxcine up like new. So, I took Blackie's advice and drove slowly East on the big road. I arrived at the truck hospital over an hour early of my appointed time. I dropped the loaded trailer in back of the new facility. I bobtailed Maxcine to the front entrance. A blue smocked Intern had me sign the medical release. I was handed a copy and directed to the waiting room. I patted Maxcine on her door and made my way inside. My new rubber soled snickers sang out, thier squeaky mice squeals, across the shiny tile floor. The head nurse was seated at the nurse's station. She logged me in and gave me my number printed on the palstic square. I then squeaked my way back to sit with the other concerned family members. It was a small waiting room and had the usual folks there all trying to ignore each other. You know, like you family Doctor's waiting room. The couple with the wife holding her little poodle. An old hand snoring behind his newspaper. A pacer in front of the wall phones, talking on his cell phone. A husky female driver wearing a Hardly Shirt and giving sneers to all. I decided to try and fit in, so I took a seat and grabbed a magazine.

The large bass fish on the cover said it all. His mouth was wide open and a hook thru his lip. Kind of reminded me of myself at Straw's garage. Yep, old Straw with a rod and reel and me on the hook. I flipped thru a few more pages and decided a cup of go juice was in order. I squeaked over to the coffee urine and of course it was empity. So, I paused in front of the vending machines and plucked in some coins. The plastic cup dropped and filled with extra light, with extra sweet. I took a swig and of course it tasted like chicken noodle soup. So, I noticed the twinkes, mars bars, pop corn, peanuts, chips, and such. I slid in a dollar bill and it slid right back out. So, I did the old rub the bill across my jeans to straighten her out. I stuck her back in the tray and she it ate it. I pressed B-12 and Tom's Peanuts did a half gainer, double twist roll, from his curly diving platform. He landed and I rated his dive at a 7. He could of had a higher score, but that belly landing had cost him points.

I dang near pulled my front teeth out trying to rip open Uncle Tom. I tried the thumbnail tear and that didn't work. So, pulled out the big guns and stabbed ole Uncle Tom right in his guts. The peanuts spilled into my palm and the blood flowed. Yep, I'd gone a little too deep and my pocket knife had wounded me. The peanut salt stung like fire ants as I did the old hand flap and then sucked out the venom. I glanced around to make sure none of my fellow number holders had witnessed my stupidity. I squeaked back over to my plastic red colored seat. You know, the ones that don't have cushions and make your butt sweat. So, I sat and waited. I just sat there waiting. You now, I waited and waited some more. Yep I waited.

Lets break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

My number was finally called and the head nurse buzzed the door for my entrance into the operating room. I squeaked my way in and observed the patients being tended to by their teams of Doctors. Many of the ladies were lifted high overhead on their surgical tables. Maxine was on a gurney that allowed her Surgeon to step into a pit under her. I stood silent and watched as the Surgeon removed his hands from deep within her innards. Her legs were in stirrups and an assistant surgeon handed down another medical tool. The Surgeon wiped away the beads of sweat from his brow. He never looked up at me and I felt helpless. It seemed like time stood still as the Surgeon finally stepped up out of the pit. He removed his surgical gloves and tossed them in the hazardest waste barrel. A motion of his hand sent his assistant pushing the mediacl cart to the next patient. The Surgeon still refused to look at me as he stepped in front of the aluminum sink. He poked the wall mounted canister of the antiseptic soap and rinsed the black blood down the drain. I cleared my throat, so to signal my presence.

The Surgeon picked up Maxine's chart and began writing down his diagnosises. I waited calmly as the Surgeon set the clipboard down and finally acknowledged my prescence.

The Surgeon spoke softly, " Are you her father ? "

I stood proud, " Yes sir Doc, she's all I have ! "

The Surgeon turned red, " So, your the one who took her to that abortion clinic ? Don't lie to me ! I've seen too much of this ! "

I hung my head, " I didn't have a choice Doc, we were stranded in Hillbilly country ! They seemed normal at first. I didn't know they were Quacks ! "

The Surgeon, " Quacks ! Quacks ! Hell man ! Those were Butchers ! Let me show what a torch and coathanger does ! "

The Surgeon took me by the arm and lead into the pit.

He shined the surgical light, " Look at at those scars ! Her axle spine is warped and see those small cracks ! She was tortured ! This wasn't an accident ! This was Shark attack ! You did this to her ! Take a good look! She'll never bare a trailer again ! Are you proud of yourself ! "

My voice cracked, " Isn't there anything you can do to save her Doc ? "

The Surgeon exploded, " I'm a master Surgeon, not a miracle worker ! She's a goner ! She's not even safe to drive ! It's best to call a hearse and have her towed to a final resting place. She's 15 years old and could of lasted alot longer ! You Driver's make me sick ! "

I begged. " How about an axle transplant ? Couldn't you try that ? "

The Surgeon saw the hurt in my eyes, " Son, those transplants are risky and to be honest it's too costly. Even if I were able to, her heart has too many miles already. No son, it's best to let her go. I'm sorry. "

I shook the Doc's hand and settled up with the head nurse. Tears ran down my cheeks as I rehooked to the trailer. I knew Maxine would take this last load and wouldn't let me down. I hugged her steering wheel and whispered to her, " I'm sorry. So sorry. I love you. Please forgive me. "

Goodnight Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Oh no! Now I'm running for my tissues! This is the worst yet...............