Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

I was afeared something like that would happen. Darn it anyway Snaz.

I just go inspected today and got several violations but the gal was okay and let me go about my business with just warnings. I had a placard blow off the back of the trailer, a mudflap was missing, one light wasn't working, and the annual inspection records were not in the truck and trailer. Sure was nice of her to let me slide but the boss will have to get all that fixed up tomorrow.

Looking forward to the next chapter.

 

Yep as usual Ducks was there taking pictures, as far as my mind voices, that doesn't worry near as much as Joel hanging onto every word of this stuff. So, a hundred Snazzy point to you both, as Life Goes On.

I found the Mechanic picking his nose and eating a sandwich out in the parkinglot.

I tried to be nice, " That's my Mack over there and those Bears have put her out of service. They're saying she has too much play in her steering box, that her front brakes have an air leak in her pancake, and that she is missing a washer on her 5th wheel slide. I know that's all BS, because that front axle, steering box, front brakes, and everything else was just rebuilt ! Now, how much are you going to charge me, to get me out of here?"

The Mechanic walked over and looked at Maxine, " That steering box is fine and I can't find an air leak. Now, that 5th wheel slide is missing a washer, but I have one in my tool box. Look ! These cops are just trying to raise some money. Let me adjust that steering box and I can change that dust cover gasket on the pancake. I'll have to charge you $75 for a service call, because I'll have to get that gasket from the Mack House. I get $100 per hour labor and have a minimum of 1 hour. That gasket is about $5, but I won't charge you for that washer. So, all total around $180 and I can get you rolling around noon."

I was suspicious, " This isn't my first barbecue ! If your even thinking about padding that bill or finding something else wrong. WELL DON"T ! "

The Mechanic slapped me on the back, " Driver I know what your saying. Man, some of these so called mechanics are as bad as those cops ! I'll treat you fair and I stand behind my work !"

I agreed and did some mental math. Let's see, 4 tickets at $200 each, plus $180, plus tax. Geez ! That's almost a $1,000 bucks ! #### ripoff BS ! What a bunch of thieves. Low life, six fingered, thiefing rats, what a deal ! As I was mumbling to myself an Old Driver walked up.

He introduced himself, " Howdy, I'm Bandit ! You know, like the movie. Anyway, I've seen this whole thang unfold. You want some free advice?"

I laughed, " There's something free around here ?"

Bandit grinned, " Look ! Here's what you do ! Just pay them fines and don't post no bonds. Them tickets ain't but $110 dollars each and that'll save you some money ! Another thang, don't argue with them Bears. They know that they're ripping you off ! Just play along and be nice to them. I know that's a hard thing to do, but it might help a little. It's all about money ! Believe me I know ! I've been doing this for over 40 years."

I hung on every word, " Your right ! That Bear didn't mention anything about just paying the fines. It says that right here, on the back of the ticket."

Bandit laughed, " Yep ! It's all about the money ! Here's something else you can do. Make a deal with them ! Tell em you'll plead guilty to 3 of those, if they dismiss one. See, if you plead guilty they know you can't appeal. That's money in thier pokets for sure. You know even if you fought this, some crooked judge would just find you guilty. If you was to hire a lawyer, they're bigger crooks than the judges and cops put together ! "

I had to ask, " What did they get you for ?"

Bandit blew his nose, " I had flat on my trailer and knew they'd pull me in. It's no big deal, because I carry a spare wheel and tire under that faltbed trailer of mine. I'll pay that Mechanic $50 bucks and he'll put that in his pocket. I don't get no receipt that way, but that sure beats paying him $200 bucks ! Hell, he'll sign that out of service order and I'll be out here ! That's another thing, I just thought of. Have them dismiss that logbook ticket. See, that way nothing goes on your driving record. Them equipment violations aren't moving violations."

I was impressed, " Man you know stuff ! Why didn't they pull you in for a class A inspection ? No offense, but your old Mormon looks 10 years older than my Maxine."

Bandit looked around, " Tell you what, that Mechanic is going to be a while. Why don't you pay them tickets and we can bobtail over to that truckstop and get a bite."

I was confused, " If they red tagged you, how can we get over there?"

Bandit shook his head, " They red tagged my trailer ! I can unhook and bobtail where I want to. You got enough to pay them tickets ?"

I pulled out my wallet, " Let's see, I have $ 431.00 on me. Geez ! I'll have to get a check cashed to pay that Mechanic."

Bandit whispered, " Go pay them fines and I'll unhook. I'm going to have to edumacate you on how to survive out here on the road. Remember to be nice to them Bears and make them that offer !"

I did as Bandit suggested. Yep, instead of $800, I paid $330, and got the logbook violation dropped. Ole Bandit knew a plenty and I was willing to buy him lunch for that education. So, I climbed into that Mormon and Bandit chauffeured me to the greasy spoon for the lesson of my life.

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Don't be knockin Joel Snazz......Shockey reads 'em to me everynight.

Yeap

Ask Ducks and KJ they were out there around the fire listenin too.

 

Bandit parked his Mormon in the bobtail section. We were too early for the lunch rush and too late for the breakfast buffet. We sat at a booth and our waitress poured in some 30 weight go juice. Bandit ordered a bowl of chili and I decided on the chicken fried steak. I had the waitress put both meals on my ticket. Bandit and I exchanged life stories and then got to the good part. Yep, Life On The Road, by Bandit. Yep, he knew it all and then some.


Bandit salted his chili, " So, here's the deal Barney ! Any fool can learn how to steer those rigs down the highway ! Hell, I bet a Chimp could be trained to do it. The hard part is to do it and make yourself some money ! Times are hard right now. That's why them Bears are hungrey ! Hell, the States, the Cities, and everything else runs on money ! Now here you are losing what little you make, because you don't know how to play the game. Do you ?"

I had to admit that I didn't, " I guess not. You know, I just never figured that Bears would be so quick to cheat a Driver like me. I run legal for the most part and try to follow the rules."

Bandit laughed at me, " That's your problem ! You think that being honest and working hard is going to get you by ? Hell No ! I'm an Outlaw and #### proud of it ! I bet, I work harder than you do, and I bet, I make twice your money ! This is just a game and you better wake up. Them Bears don't care who pays those fines. They'd just as well write up thier own mothers ! I use to be like you. Just like you ! Yep, all wet behind the ears and getting bent over at every turn. Now, you just keep on Trucken and be a good honest Joe ! I bet you'll be off the road in less than a year. You'll lose that Maxine and be on foot ! I guarntee it, unless you listen to me."

I spoke with my mouth full, " Man, it is pretty bad right now. If something doesn't give, I might have to get off the road. "

Bandit nodded with agreement, " See ! That's what I'm talking about ! A good man and a good Driver, losing his shirt, because he won't play the game. That's all this is ! I bet you drive 10 hours and take the rest off, waiting for your book to catch up. Bet you never haul over weight or by pass a scale ! Yep, your playing the game to lose ! I don't care what you do, if you play by thier rules your already done for ! Now, you take my advice or leave it, but at least hear me out"

I was all ears, " I'm all ears, go ahead. "

Bandit looked around for flies on the wall, " Okay ! First, you have to play to win ! When you get back, tell that dispatcher of your's, that you'll kick back a little something. Yep, it doesn't have to be alot, say a nickel a mile for all the miles you run, over 2,300. If he's been in this business for anytime at all, he'll start running you in the ground ! Man, those dispatchers like to eat too. They'll scratch your back if you scratch thiers."

I had quit eating, " I was wondering about that. My ole dispatcher Blow Hard has hinted to me a couple of time about scratching each others backs. I thought he might be gay. "

Bandit spewed his tea like a whale, " That's a good one Barney ! Your a Hoot, you know it ! Anyway, where was I ? Oh ! Okay, next thing is to never turn down a load ! I mean never ! If you can hook onto it ? Go with it ! I don't care if she's a thousand pounds over weight, her wheels are falling off, and that #### thing is stuffed with illeal aliens ! Show em you can do it ! I mean get with it ! I'll show you how to drive 20 hours a day and make it look legal ! I've got some secret weapons, that I want to show you out in my truck. If your ready let's go."

I paid the meal ticket and stopped by the fuel desk, Ole Blow Hard had approved a $ 300 cash advance. So, I went to see what secret weapons an Oultlaw kept in his arsenal. What a deal !

Good night Snazzers, your Snazz1.

 

God help us-Snazzy is going to the DARK SIDE!

 

Shandera, I wasn't knocking Joel, and hope he knows that. I was knocking these crazy, but true fiction tales. Joel a thousand pardens, your one of the few who have stuck around. I do see that Big Duker has stopped by and yep I'm going to be on the Dark Side, as Life Goes On.

Bandit had his Mormon purring when I came out of the truckstop. It was a little after 11 am and the lunch truckers were just beginning to swing in. Bandit chatted on his CB with a couple of drivers before starting class.

I sat in the shotgun seat and and picked my teeth, " I guess you know a lot of folks out here ! "

Bandit hung up his mike, " Yep ! I know a few folks alright, and I bet that I can go anywhere and they know me ! That's something you need to do ! Watch what the other Driver's are doing. Learn from them, if they're doing it right, or don't do it if they're messing it up. Never let your guard down ! Look here, this book can be bought at alot of the truckstops. It has every Bear scale shown and if you look in the back. Yep, it even list the chicken coupes phone numbers. That's good info to have ! Say your a little over weight or maybe you got a trailer that's in bad shape ? Yep, call them up, see if they're open, or when they close. I've even snitched off drug drug runners. Of course the poor slob I snitched off was as legal as a Judge. But, while them Bears are swarming all over him, I just toot thru. Keep that CB on and listen to what's up. I know, that it's mostly nut's, but hey, even a nut might save you a ticket. "

I agreed, " Yep, your right Bandit ! I've been driving with blinders on. I guess it does pay to keep an eye out. I'll sure get me that Road Atlas with the scales listed. What else ? "

Bandit handed me his fire extinguisher, " See that ! It shows empity, but look here. Yep, I just twist here and she's full. So, a Bear stops me and he sees that. Guess what ? Yep, he's all proud of himself for finding a violaton. I let him think that and try to butter him up. I bet half the time them Bears let me go for speeding and write that extinguisher up. Now, if he's a real badge heavy jerk and wants to write both ? Hell, I twist it and show him he's an Idiot. Here's something else ! See that ? Yep, it unscrews at the bottom. That's where I keep my extra logbook. Dang ole Bears will be searching high and low for an extra book. Dang fools don't ever even look at that extinguisher, because your required to have one. Here's something else ! Keep all your fuel tickets, toll tickets, and anything else that has a time on it. See, them Bears can't order you to show any of that, but if you leave it plain site ? Yep, they'll match them time and dates up with your logbook. So, carry one of these U.S. Postal envelopes that's big enough to hold all of that stuff. See, I carry all my dated and timed stuff in there. It even has the postage paid and has my company's address. Yep, that ole Bear starts to snoop too much and I'll lick thet thang shut. They have to get a Federal Warrant to open that ! They' ll ask you to open it and sometimes they're not even nice. But hey, I don't have to show them crap ! See, what I'm saying ?

I had to pee, " Be right back, Bandit ! "

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazz1.

 

Yep Snaz, I know you weren't knockin me even though I deserve it at times. I do like all those snazzy points though and yes I sure am enjoying these tall tales, I mean true stories.

 

Oh now I was only yokin with ya Snazz........

 

I really didn't have to pee, but something was itching me to death. I went to the Men's room and washed up. I didn't know what it was, because I itched all over. I decided that as soon as I could, I'd shower and change clothes. I returned to Bandit's Mormon and confessed.

I was still scratching, " Dang Bandit ! I don't know what I got into, but I'm as itchy as a dog with fleas. "

Bandit laughed, " Oh geez, I'm sorry. I for got to vacum up that powder."

I had to ask, as I continued to scratch, " What powder ? "

Bandit gave me a senister grin, " Well, I call it powdered snow for my little friends. Look up on the dash there, you'll see em ! "

I freaked out, " What in the hell ! You knew and let me sit here ? Are you nuts ? I'm getting out of here and I'll walk back, before I'll ever set foot in this piece of crap. Thanks alot, Butthole ! "

Bandit grabbed my arm and laughed, " Got ya ! Man, I was wondering how long it was going to take you to notice. Them Bears usually catch that right off. Of course they're being paid to look for stuff and I bet most of them have run across it before. "

I gave Bandit the crazy look, " You infest yourself with Crabs to get out of paying fines ? You are nuts ! "

Bandit was still laughing, " They're dead ! Let me show you this. See, that little bottle asprin is full of them. I order them thru the mail from an outfit down in Mexico. Thier exterminators and sale them thangs as gags. I get a half dozen bottles for less than ten bucks. "

I didn't buy it, " If they're dead then why am I itching ? "

Bandit explained, " That's the itching powder, I get it at a joke shop. It's in this sugar shaker here. See, I sprinkle just a little bit of it on that passenger seat. Then I'll lay a few of them dead crabs on the dash and some ontop of my mattress. Yep, them ole Bears climb in here just a searching away. Bingo, a minute later they're high tailing it out of here and don't want nothing to do with me or this truck."

I kept scratching, " How long does this stuff itch ? "

Bandit handed me a bottle of pills, " Take a couple of these and put some of this creme on. You'll need to shower and change clothes too. That powder comes off with soap and water. Don't forget to laundry them clothes or you'll be itching all over again. "

I took the pills and spread some of the creme on, " So this really works ? I mean the Bears really fall for it ? "

Bandit was confident, " Barney ! It's never failed ! Look what you did ! Hell, you ain't going to take a look see if them Crabs are dead or not ! Them Bears are the same way. I've had them run off and cussing me at the same time. Yep, it's gotten me out of some real jams. Now I'll tell you what. I'll give you a bottle of them and some of that itching powder. You'll need to buy some of them pills and creme, but they sale over the counter. Here's the deal though ! This has to be kept a secret ! Too many drivers start doing this and the gig is up. I only use this when I have to. Today that Bear didn't even climb up in here. If he had, he wouldn't stayed long enough to say howdy. "

I had to ask, " Aren't you afraid they'll take you out of service and have you and your truck deliced ? I mean, it seems to me that they wouldn't want you tooling down the road. "

Bandit had all the answers, " First thang ! Your right, that's what they're trained to do, but listen up ! Say your that Bear ! Now are going to be tied up with some Crab invested driver ? Hell No ! Shoot by federal law if they detain you for a medical reaason, they have to allow you to thier facilities. Now, are you going to let some Crab invested driver inside your chicken coupe to sit on your pot ? Hell No ! Second thang, is they'd have to call out an exterminator. Can you imagine some he-man, badge heavy, kick butt, take no prisoner, Bear doing that ? Hell No ! They'd rather you get down the big road and a thousand miles away ! Just think most of them are family men. Can you see them explaining to their wives that some driver gave them crabs ? That's a hoot ! "

My minded digested all the newly discovered information, as Bandit drove us back to the Bear den. It was so corny, but yet so true. I'd been a cop and knew that Crabs were more feared than bullets. Yep, and all that other stuff was true too. Secret hidding places in a fire extinguisher, road atlas with phone numbers, and all the rest. Yep, old Bandit was an outlaw alright and maybe he was right. I'd played by the rules and had seen where that had gotten me. So, Barney the Outlaw Trucker ? Maybe as Life Goes On."


Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

#### Snazzy-you got me itching just thinking about it!