Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

I see Bullhaulerswife is still with us, what a deal, as Life Goes On.

Okay, sometimes these true fiction stories might be a little hard to swallow, but believe it, or not. This part is based on some true facts. Now, I'll let ya'll decide the facts from the fiction.

Elmer had gotten back from his cruise and we had a surprise party at the Hide Away Club. Yep, let's see. Sal, Big Owl, myself, and about 30 other associates were welcoming back our fearless leader. What a deal ! So, Elmer was as drunk as a skunk and we weren't far behind him. Elmer loved to barbecue, so we had pitched in and bought him a huge barbecue pit. No ! It was actually a huge trailer that had a barbecue grill the size of a Buick. We had it backed into the parking lot close to the front door. Elmer was as happy as a tick on a dog's ear. Yep, he was flipping burgers, brushing sauce over the wings, and poking the steaks, all at the same time. Anyway, I was sitting at the bar with Sal. The front door was propped open and the sunshine beamed in. The day slowly turned into night, as the party continued. I guess it was a little after midnight when Betty called me. She had locked herself out of her car and needed me to assist her. So, I drove over to the Palm Club in Elmer's Cadillac and gave her the keys to my old Chevy. Yep, I let her drive it home. See that way, she could drive herself back to work the next day, with her spare keys. You know !

Anyway, as I was driving back to the Hide Away I heard the sirens. Yep, something big must of happened. So, I drove towards the commotion. There were flashing lights all over and the state highway was blocked. Yep ! It had my attention. So, I parked across the highway and got updated by some bystanders. It seemed that an 18 wheeler had been delivering gasoline at the local Gas Mart. The driver claimed that someone had pushed in the yellow knob and released the brakes. He swore that he was inside the store and didn't even see the rig roll away. Anyway, the truck rolled across the parking lot, jumped the curb, hung a right, and gained speed. Then it veered left and smashed right into.. You guessed it ! Alice's bar ! What a deal ! I stood in disbelief ! Geez ! Anyway, unlike the movies, the rig didn't explode. Luckily the bar had just closed and only Alice, along with a couple of her die hard customers were still inside. They got a few cuts and scratches from the flying glass. But, they escaped without anything major. The fire and rescue did a fine job. They pumped in enough water to float the Titanic. Yep, the club was a total loss and it took the a huge wrecker to dislodge the beast.

Anyway, I staggered back to the Cadillac and headed towards the Hide Away. There really wasn't any traffic, because this all happened on a week night. So, just as pulled into the parking lot, Sal and all the others came pouring out.

Sal was the first to congratulate me, " My Man ! Your a Hoot ! Look at this guy ! Ain't he something ! "

Elmer got me in a bear hug, " That's my Hoot ! Ole Barney ! Barney the HOOT ! What a HOOT ! "

Big Owl even slapped me on the back, " Man ! I didn't think you had it in you. Your alright in my book ! "

I hadn't even had time to soak it all in, when Alice's old New Yorker swung up. She tossed a bundle of wrapped bills across the hood of Elmer's Cadlilac. What a deal !

She had her say, " Well ! You Win ! You SOB ! My club is in ruins ! Are you happy ! I never dreamed that you'd stoop to this. We've known each for forever ! That's it ! We're even and if you send that excop after me again, I'll blow his head off ! "

Elmer grinned, " Well ! He's right here Alice ! Barney ! You got anything to say to her ? "

Alice turned pale white, " You stay away from me ! I've paid up and Elmer has his money ! "

I didn't have time to explain how sorry I was. Yep, ole Alice's New Yorker slung gravel and fishtailed out of there like a Shelby GT, Elmer led our dust covered butts back inside. Yep, I was hero and a stand up guy. What a deal ! As, Life Goes On.

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Heck Snazzy, that's like playing golf. I'd rather be lucky than good! HeeHee Snazzy your a hoot!
Your a made man on The Truckers Report! :smt066:smt067

 

Geno got me in a bear hug, " That's my Hoot ! Ole Barney ! Barney the HOOT ! What a HOOT ! "


Snazzy, I would ruined my shorts if a dead guy gave me a bear hug

 

Thanks for the heads up Fastfred, I went back and edited that boo-boo. Big Duker, yep I'm a made Hoot, err.., made man here. Bull's wife dream on, Snazzy points for all, as Life Goes On.

So, things rocked along for awhile and seemed to be going fairly well. That's until everything fell apart. Yep, it was around June 1992, that the walls came tumbling down and the Fiddler wanted his pay. I had made my last collection for the day and was headed back to the Palm Club. I was still driving Elmer's Cadillac, because he'd bought himself another new one. What a deal ! Anyway, I noticed that I was being followed by an unmarked unit. I could spot one of those a mile away. So, I did the ole Barney flip-a-rue. Yep, we were at a stop light and I waited for my opening. Zoom ! Yep, I gunned it and sped off, leaving my tail behind. Well of course, I no sooner lost him when a local yocal met me head on. Yep, he was just cruising down the road running his radar and got his eyes full. I was running about 75, in a 40mph zone. Well, he spun around and the chase was on. I managed to slip off onto a side street and pulled in behind an old tire store. You know, old tires stacked everywhere 50' tall. Anyway, I sat there for awhile waiting for the heat to cool down. Well, them locals just kept circling. Yep, I figured they'd spot me sooner, or later. So, I opened the trunk and stashed a few things. Let's see, about $30,000 in cash, my Colt Python, and my collection note book. Yep, I figured if they got me, all they'd have is a speeding charge and maybe evading arrest. Well, we've been there before haven't we, remember El Paso ?

It had turned dusk and I could hear loud music, so I followed my ears. Yep, there was a ##### tonk just a block away. So, I sashayed in and joined the festivities. What a deal ! Anyway, I decided to just sit and sip. You know, them coppers would have to give up sooner, or later. Well, I got pretty ripped and wasn't feeling a lot of pain. That's when the locals came in. Yep, ole Barney was poo-faced and trapped like a rat. So, I just sat there like a drunk bump on a rolling log. Well, the coppers started asking the bartender a hundred questions. So, she pointed me out of the crowd and I was escorted outside. Well, to make a long story...,who am I kidding ! Anyway, one thing I learned was, that if you ever ditch a car, and don't want to be tied to it. Don't get caught with the keys in your pocket ! Yep, I was arrested for, get this ! DWI ! Crap ! Geez ! Then to top that off ! Auto Theft ! What the hell ? Yep ! Elmer's Cadillac, the one I'd been driving for six months, had been reported stolen. Of course that's not all ! Well, that's all I can stomach, for right now. Geez !

I was booked in at the local cop shop and run through the DWI mill. Yep, ole Barney knew not to take the breath test and I refused to answer any questions. So, my bond was set at, get this ! NO BOND ! Yep, I had a federal investigation hold on me. What a deal ! So, I decided it was best not to make any phone calls. You see, the cops can listen in, record, trace, and use all phone conversations. I can hear ya'll now ! No ! I'm not saying that they can use that in court ! I'm saying they'll use that information to assist them in their investigation. They won't even put that in their reports. Yep, they do that ! Trust me ! Anyway, I was in a cell with a excon that I knew me from my cop days. What a deal ! I was happy that he didn't hold any grudges. Yep, I'd arrested him several years back for burglary of a coin operated machine. That wasn't a felony back then, but he was on parole. Yep, he'd gone back to the joint and had just gotten out. But, he was headed back again. Yep ! He'd been caught red handed breaking into another vending machine. So, we cut it up and kicked back. He was impressed when I dropped a few names, but I was careful not to say too much. You know ! Loose lips sink ships and all.

The following day we were chained together and transported to the county lockup. I was stripped of my suit and tie, and given a set of white coveralls. Yep, I looked like a house painter with a big ' P ' on my back, for prisoner. Now, from all the times I'd booked in folks during my cop days. I knew that being an excop meant that I'd be in segregation. It's called protective custody, so that the general population won't target you for revenge. Well, guess what ? Yep ! They classified me as fair game and put in a pod with 50 inmates that were known to be violent offenders. What a deal ! Yep, ole Barney is in for one hell of a hard time, as Life Stinks !

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Now I'm worried Snazz. Don't drop the soap!!!

 

Nope Big Duker, no soap dropping thank goodness,as Life Goes On.

I felt like I was starring in a Tarzan movie, because I was the only white face in the jungle. Yep, me and my 49 brothers all stood eye balling each other. What a deal ! So, I broke out with the old spiritual of 'We Shall Overcome'. Of course half of the brothers joined in, as the other half rolled on the floor laughing. The pod was just a large concrete room that was about 50' wide and 100' long. It was designed to hold, maybe 30 inmates. Of course the jail was over crowded, so there were 25 double bunk beds. You know, one lower and a top bunk. They were lined up against the walls and you were issued your very own milk crate. Yep ! One of those dark blue plastic square boxes that you put your belongings into. You know, your soap, towel, toothpaste, plastic razor, shaving cream, writing materials, candy bars, cigarettes, book of matches (no Bic lighters), and other assorted items. So, I walked * never sashay in jail * ! Anyway, the only bunk was a top one, right in the center of the room. I took my two issued white sheets and made my bunk. I slipped on the pillow case, which was like tossing a marsh mellow inside a trash bag, and ... Geez ! Yep, some Dirty Dingus done swiped my milk crate. So, I stood ontop of one of the metal picnic tables.

I tried to sound firm, but polite, " Hey Fellas ! Someone must of accidentally got my crate confused with theirs. I know they all like alike, you know, the crates, not ya'll. Anyway, can ya'll check to see ? Mine had ..."

Toot, gave me the look, " Pops ? Aren't you the one who worked at Geno's Pawn and Wager ? "

I was shocked, " Oh, you know me ? "

Toot smiled, " You don't remember me. I use to hock those guns and you use to joke to me about it ? Remember ? "

It hit me, " Toot my man ! How are you doing ! Long time no see. How's it going ? "

Toot didn't play around, because he didn't have to. See, he was 6' 6", 220 lbs of rippling muscle mass, about 30 years old, and meaner than a junkyard dog ! Yep, good ole Toot. So, he fetched my stolen crate, from the Dirty Dingus, and we cut it up. Toot had grown up in prison and was headed back again. Yep, he and some of his dogs had robbed a poker game. No, no one that I knew. Anyway, somehow someone got wounded and ole Toot was awaiting trial for aggravated robbery. The state had filled a three strike count. So, ole toot was looking to do 25 years straight. Poor Toot ! Anyway, I'll never know how I'd of survived that hell hole without him. Toot had to educate me on proper jail edify. Yep, what to do and not to do. Of course, I had to learn the lingo and walk the walk. So, Toot offered me a job. See, he ran the whole cell block, so I was made his chief bookie and loan officer. Back then they issued you script, also known as commissary notes. It was worthless jail money that was only good to purchase snacks, smokes, playing cards, dominoes, and other crap off of the high dollar commissary cart. Yep, they'd roll a huge cart of crap to the cell pod every other day. If you had the script, you could buy the high priced crap. Yep, they charged a fortune and really stiffed the poor inmates. So what ? Well, most of them guys were just down and out. I mean it ! They weren't real bad fellas, for the most part. Well ! Anyway, why kick a man when he's down. To me, just being in jail is the punishment, and your sure don't need to aggravate the situation. But, who am I ? Just inmate # 449941741, as Life Goes On.

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

I was in the county jail for 3 days, before I was taken before judge Jar Head. Yep, ole Jar Head wasn't happy with me, as I stood before him. My attorney, ole Shark stood next to me.

Jar Head gaveled, " State of Texas v Barney Goose. How does your client wish to plea ? "

Shark gave me the look, " Your honor I request to be removed as the attorney of record. My client has failed to compensate me for my fees ! "

Jar Head turned red, " Mr. Goose are you prepared to hire another attorney, or pay Mr Shark ? "

I was pissed, " Nope ! I guess you'll have to appoint me one. I'm not paying this shyster here another dime ! He's done absolutely nothing, but keep that 1st DWI hanging over my head ! "

Jar Head blew a fuse, " Attorney Shark is one of the best criminal attorneys in this state ! Now apologize to him ! "

I gave the Shark the look, " Screw you ! "

Judge Jar Head threw the book at me, " I'm sorry attorney Shark, your services were appreciated, and I'm allowing you to withdraw, as the attorney of record. Now, Mr Goose I see here that you have a sizable bank account and an impressive income. You're not indigent and will be required to hire your own council ! I also see here that your facing additional charges in felony court ! So, I'm raising your bond accordingly, since I feel that your now a flight risk. Let's see ! Ok, I'm raising your 1st DWI bond from $500 to $5,000. I'm also setting a bond of $25,000 for 2nd offense DWI. You can post your bail and you will be notified of your next appearance. Next case ! "

I was whisked away and placed back into my cell. What a deal ! I wasn't there long and was whisked back into a different court room. Yep, it was a felony state district court and this time I stood before the honorable Judge Half Witt. Yep, she was a real winner ! I knew her from my undercover days and had testified in her court before. She knew me, so I figured that I'd get a fair shake. Nope !

Half Witt gaveled, " State v Goose ! Mr Goose your charged with auto theft over $20,000. That is a second degree felony. How do you wish to plea ? "

I smiled. " Hi Judge ! You might not remember me..."

Judge Half Witt wasn't interested, " This is a court proceeding ! It's disappointing for the court to see you here under these circumstances. How do you plea ! "

I was caught off guard, " Not guilty, I guess. "

Judge Half Witt stuck it to me, " Your Bond is set at $25,000 ! You can make your bail and will be notified of your next court date ! Oh ! Wait a minute ! I see here that your pending arraignment on federal charges. Well ! I find that your a flight risk and double that amount. So, make that $50,000 and subject to pretrial release. "

I stood speechless, of course my mind voices kicked in. Dang ole Half Witt Judge ! What the hell ! Geez ! Man ! They better watch out ! This is silly ! A couple of misdemeanor DWI's and a bogus auto theft charge. What the hell is all this about federal charges ? Well, we'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Barney Goose, as Life Goes On.

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

This isn't going well at all, Snazzy. I think I'm gonna cry...

​

 

I guess ya'll are wondering why I didn't make bail. Well, really there were a few reasons. First, was that federal investigation hold that they had on me. Yep, even if I had made the $80,000 worth of state bonds, I wasn't going anywhere. Secondly, I was pretty sure that Elmer was pulling all the strings that he could to get me released. Third and lastly, it would of looked awful strange, for a guy with my income to come up with $16,000 to pay a bondsman. You see, they charge about 10% of the bond amount up to around $20,000. Then they raise that to about 20%, for amounts over $20,00, to say $100,000. Yep, it's a sliding scale ripoff and by the time a fella makes a half million dollar bail bond. Yep, he's paying around 50%. What a deal !

After about a week I was going stir crazy. Yep, I don't do time very well. I missed everything. You know, like my freedom, my privacy, quiet times to reflect, fast food, friends to talk with, and most of all. Yep, taking care of business. No ! Not just the gangster stuff. I mean, like taking care of Ken and Kim, keeping Amelia rolling, and balancing my check book. I guess, I've always been kind of a get her done type person. For me, to just sit and wait was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Anyway, in jail there's just not a lot to do. Good ole Toot tried to cheer me up. We ran a pretty decent bookmaking operation and there was always inmates needing high interest loans. Yep, it was on a lot smaller scale, but it did help pass some of the time. Now, Toot.. Okay ! Toot got his name, because he was one of the best trumpet players you would ever hear. Yep, he'd learned to play in prison and he actually had played professionally. He even had a record deal and if he'd stayed straight. Well, you know what I mean. So, time slowly passed and finally the feds came a calling. I'd been in the county lockup for a little over a month. Agent Hard Nose was a real crime busting legend in his own mind. What a deal !

Agent hard Nose was around 50 years old, tall, thin, dressed well, and didn't waste anytime. He had me waiting in a small interview room. You know, it had the ole two way mirror and a small table, with two chairs facing each other. Anyway, he sashayed in. Yes ! He was a sashayer !

Hard Nose took a seat and opened his file, " So, we finally meet. How are you doing Barney ? "

I folded my arms, " Just fine ! I guess l need a lawyer, before ..."

Hard Nose turned red, " A lawyer ! Mister you need to wake up and smell the coffee ! You just sit and listen up ! Now, let's see ! Barney Goose, aka Barney the Hoot, a bookmaker, bag man, collector, excop, and soon to be convicted felon. Known associates, the late Geno aka Gee Nose, the late Johnny the Walk aka John the Deceased, Sid aka The Retired One, Sal aka Tar Head, Big Owl aka Round Eyes, and Elmer aka The New Boss. So, have I got your attention ? "

I yawned, " Not really ! I mean, so what ? I lease a bar from Elmer and I use to work at Geno's pawnshop. So, I know them ! Big deal ! "

Hard Nose tried to scare me, " You ever hear of RICO ! That stands for Racketeering Influence and Corrupt Organization Act. That's good for a twenty year sentence. All I have to prove is that you helped ..."

I'd heard enough, " Prove what ? That I lease a bar and worked for Geno's pawnshop. Hell ! Geno is dead ! If you had anything on me, I'd be before a federal magistrate, before I could spit ! Come on ! Your fishing and you know it. Let's be straight with each other. "

Hard Nose tried to be nice, " Yeah ! Your an excop alright and from what I hear, a pretty good one. Now Barney ! I'll shoot straight with you. All we need is a little information from you. You play your cards right and your home free. I have to know one thing. Did you take your Oath of Silence ? You know, that Omerta thing, or whatever ya'll call it. "

I laughed, " Oath ? What are you talking about ? I just worked at that pawnshop and that's all. Well, besides leasing that bar. Really your wasting your time with me. "

Hard Nose didn't buy it, " Okay, you want to play hardball ! Explain this !"

I looked at it, " Looks like a pistol and some money. Oh, and a note book."

Hard Nose went in for the kill, " Well explain how that was found in that stolen car you were driving ! I want to hear this ! I guess you didn't think we'd find that stuff stashed in that hidden compartment. "

I made my point, " Well ! First of all, I don't know anything about any stolen car. That Cadillac isn't stolen ! Elmer showed me the papers on it. If there was anything in there hidden, I sure didn't know about it ! "

Hard Nose shook his head, " You just tripped up Mister ! So, you admit that Elmer loaned you that car ? "

I backed up, " No ! It's a company car ! I don't remember who loaned it to me. But hey, the registration was in the console. I'm sure you found that. Hell, Elmer's not going to file any auto theft charges on me. "

Hard Nose dropped his bomb, " That Cadillac's legal owner is the one that is filing the charges. Ole Elmer screwed up ! He got that car by using extortion and you know it ! Your both are going to be charged under the RICO Act. Now, do you get the picture ? "

I didn't buy it, " Nope ! As far as I know, that car was Elmer's. Unless you can prove differently ! As far, as any extortion goes ? I don't even know where the car came from ! Now, that's a fact ! "

Well, Hard Nose chose not to believe me. So, I was charged under RICO and my bail was set at $150,000. What a deal ! So, now my total bond amounts added up to $230,000. Not all that much if you say it fast. Anyway, the only good part was that I was reclassified as a federal inmate. Yep, the county jail housed them, for something like an extra $200 per day. Yep, the ole Sheriff loved his federal prisoners. So, I got moved upstairs and man what a difference, as Life Goes On.

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.