Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Make arrangements with? Or make arrangements for...

 

Yep, Big Duker and Ducks, this part of my life is a mess and Wifey isn't out of the picture yet. Shine, keep your shirt on I'm making, eer, telling these true fiction tales as quick as I can, as Life Goes On. Snazzy points for all.

After Dr Nut Cracker drained about a gallon of blood from me, I was escorted to the fishbowl. Yep, it was a hospital ward that had a nurse's station in the center. The fishbowls were glassed in rooms that had a hospital bed with the patients being displayed. Yep, I was laying flat on my back and from between my feet I could see the nurses. Yep, and they could see me. What a deal ! So, I laid there and wiggled my toes from under the covers. The nurses were all busy eating, gossiping, playing cards, and ignoring all of us fishes. What a deal ! So, I swam out of my bed and yanked on the sliding glass door. Yep, it was locked and wouldn't give an inch. So, I banged on the glass. Nope, they just talked over my banging and ignored me. Hmm ! Ok, I'll press on that buzzer that is clipped on the sheet. #### ! The nurse reached over and flipped a switch. Yep, the little red light quit flashing and she never even looked my way. So, I took the bedpan and oops. SMASH ! Yep, glass flew everywhere, as the nurses ran for their lives. Yep ! The monster had broken free, as alarms sounded, lights flashed, and pandemonium ruled. The monster (me) sashayed over the glass and out the exit. Yep, I was hell bent on my mission and nothing, nor no one was going to stop me.


I felt like Frankenstein as I shoved open the heavy wooden door. I made my way back and took up my position. Yep ! I pitied any human that came within one hundred feet of me.

A faint voice echoed across the tile floor, " Mr Goose, are you in here ? "

I coiled up like a reptile, " Yeah ! What do you want ? "

The voice quivered, " Are you alright ? "

I gritted my teeth, " Leave me alone ! "

The voice enlightened me, " It's Dr Nut Cracker ! Can I come in ? "

I grunted, " Keep away from me ! I'll come out, when I'm good and ready !

Nut Cracker had to ask, " Are you hurt ? Did that glass cut you ? "

I doubled over in pain, " No ! I'm okay ! Just leave me alone ! "

Cracker persisted, " I can't do that ! Now ! Come out of there and we'll discuss this ! "

I grunted, " If you know what's good for you, you'll stay away from me ! "

Cracker threatened me, " If you don't come out right now I'll send security in ! Don't make me do that ! "

I rumbled , " You better not ! Believe me it won't be pretty ! "

Dr Nut Cracker turned sweet, " Barney, just walk over here to me. No one wants to hurt you. Everything will be just fine. Let's just talk this out ! "

I wiped the sweat from my brow, " Please ! Just give me a minute ! "

Dr Cracker wouldn't wait and gave the order, " Go get him men ! "

The white uniformed attendants rushed towards me. I felt the rumble and braced myself. The stall door yanked open, just as too many divers dove into the pool. Yep ! That was one hell of a dump ! The poor attendants held their noses and retreated. I felt a burning sensation coming from bobo, as my stomach breathed a sigh of relief. I wiped, flushed, and sashayed over to the sink. Man ! What a guy has to do, just to take a crap, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

The padded cell was about a 10' X 10', with a 12' ceiling. It had those moving type pads covering the walls. A single bulb lit the room and it was covered with a wire guard. The door had a small slit that allowed the attendants to slip in my food tray. What a deal ! There was no furniture, so I just made myself at home on the floor. Yep, I was in solitary confinement, for breaking that glass sliding door. Time stood still and I lost all since of it. After a month, well at least two days, I was put in a straight jacket and met with the three member panel. They were sitting behind a large table facing me and several thick books were stacked on top. I recognized Dr Nut Cracker and ole Pale Face, but the center seat was occupied by a face new to me. He was an elderly man, sporting a neatly trimmed beard, and wearing coke bottle glasses. The attendant fastened some leg irons on my ankles that were bolted to the floor. He then exited as the inquisition began.

Nut Cracker broke the ice, " Nice to see you Barney. This is Professor Oz and you've met councilor Pale Face. Now, we're here to decide which course of treatment will best benefit you. Do you have any input ? "

I squirmed in my jacket, " INPUT ! INPUT ! I'd like to INPUT my foot up your stinking butts. Ya'll are lucky that I can't get my hands on you ! This is the craziest thing that I've ever seen. What the hell is wrong with ya'll ? "

Pale Face piped up, " Now, Barney ! That attitude isn't helping. Let's review the facts. You were ordered here by the court and our task is to help set up a treatment plan that will benefit you. We've concluded that your suffering from acute alcoholism and severe mental anguish. Is the panel in agreement ? "

Prof Oz thumbed through my folder, " I concur ! However, I do have a few questions. Mr Goose ! My concern is, perhaps your problems are more severe than what is obvious. Do you ever hear voices ? "

I went blind with anger and spat, " Sure I do ! So what ? "

Pale Face jumped in, " That's remarkable Prof Oz ! We're honored to have you on our staff. Now Barney, do these voices tell you to do things ? "

My face turned red as a tomato, " You know they do ! "

Nut Cracker scribbled in her notes, " Are they speaking to you now ? "

My head exploded, " They #### sure are ! "

All three chimed in, " What are they saying ? "

I gave them the look, " Are ya'll nuts ? Man ! You ignorant morons ! Hell, there's nothing wrong with my hearing. "

Prof Oz's head deflated like a punctured balloon, " You Idiot ! Not our voices! We're asking about any voices that you might hear, but other people can't ! "

I thought about it, " Oh, I see now. Like when I 'm listening to my car radio and I can hear it, but no one else does. "

Nut Cracker slapped her forehead, " Are you ignorant ? The question is very simple ! Do you hear inner voices ? "

I thought about it, " Like when someone whispers to me ? "

Pale Face threw his pencil down, " You stupid, stupid, man ! We're referring to voices inside your head ! "

I had to ask, " You mean like little lips floating around and saying stuff ? "

All three panelist began to riot, as the table was flipped, and I was attacked. What a deal ! Yep, talk about folks needing anger management. Man ! The attendant had to restrain the sane ones and set me loose. Anyway, I was returned to my padded cell and the sane ones were let out the door. You know, my mind voices never really speak to me. Well, not out loud anyway. They speak, but it's like thoughts that cross my mind. So, if you really have lips floating around and they're speaking to you. Well, what do I know. I'm just a mental patient in the nut house, as Life Goes On.

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

I am still with ya Snazzy.
Finally got caught up on the story.
Had some company from Georgia a couple of weeks ago. Sure wish I could be with her over the holidays. Maybe next year she will be relocated to the Great Northwest.

Keep making up (scuse me telling) those great stories.

 

Snazzy, just wanted to say Hello,you are a truly gifted man, I'm on page 33,started reading this mourning, done nothing but read this all day, Im now losing my ability to focus on this puter screen, dangit!

 

Good to see you Joellyroll and hope that Georgia peach will be with you soon. Yep, behind every good man is a good woman. Take my exwifey. Please ! Someone take her, as Life Goes On.

I shuffled from my padded cell and made it to the meeting room. The Nuts were sitting in a circle and doing what they were programed to do. I took a seat as slobber dripped down my chin. Yep ! They had me on 200 milligrams of Thorazine to help control my anger and anxiety. What a deal ! The meetings were always the same. Yep, if you've been to one, you've been to everyone of them since ole Bill W wrote his book. Now, if your in recovery and those 12 steps mean anything to you. Well, go read that stupid book and leave me the hell alone ! Yep ! That LSD dropping, drunk, womanizing, full of crap, con, has ruined more lives than alcohol and drugs. Well, let's just say that AA isn't my cup of tea. Anyway, our group of Nuts were a mixed can of assorted. Yep, there were young Nuts, old Nuts, male Nuts, female Nuts, all sizes and shape. So, I just sat there and took it all in.

The speaking Nut stood, " Hi ! I'm Cashew and I'm an addict ! "

The seated Nuts all chimed in, " Hi ! Cashew ! "

Cashew told her story, " Blah, blah, blah, beaten, blah, blah, ran away, blah, he turned me on, blah, blah, arrested, blah ,blah, sold herself, blah, pregnant, blah, adoption, blah, blah, hit bottom, blah, blah, Higher Power, blah, blah, blah, saved my life, blah, blah, and blah ! "

The Nuts all clapped as Walnut stood, " Hi ! I'm Walnut and I'm an addict ! "

The seated Nuts all chimed in, " Hi ! Walnut ! "

Walnut told his story, " Blah, only son, blah, blah, good family, blah, rich, blah, blah, graduated college, blah, car wreck, blah, pain pills, blah, lost job, blah, blah, arrested, blah, blah, hit bottom, blah, Higher Power. "

Pecan stood, " Hi I'm Pecan and I'm an addict. "

The Nuts chimed in, " Hi ! Pecan ! "

Pecan told his sad tale, " Blah, blah, blah, arrested, Higher Power, saved my life. One day at a time, keep on keeping on, blah, blah and blah ! "

I stood, " Hi ! I'm Barney and I'm in the wrong group ! Ya'll are drug addicts and I'm not ! They claim that I'm an alcoholic. So, I sure wish ya'll luck and can you point me to the Beer Nuts ? "

The head councilor of our group was an older woman who had some sort of neck injury. Yep, every time she spoke her head bobbed up and down like a low riders back window dogie. Her name was Head Nut and she made me her priority. Yep ! Lucky me ! So, she explained that alcohol was just my drug of choice. Yep ! All those years that I'd drank, I should of been shooting up heron, or snorting cocaine. What a deal ! According to her there was no difference. Now, I'm sure that she meant well. Matter of fact, there might be some truth to what she was getting at. But ! Every doper knows that drunks are just juice heads that don't have any will power. Yep ! Now, drunks will tell you that dope heads are pieces of crap that need to be locked up. Ya'll know ! Dopers and druggies hate each others guts ! Now, how that slipped by a hospital staff that treated folks. Well, I found out later, but I'll tell you now. This whole treatment set up was a con. It was an insurance scam that bilked millions of dollars. Yep ! It even made national news when the feds busted them. I'm not lying about this and some of you may remember it.

Anyway, their program started you out as a gown, then you graduated to to pajamas, and then you worked your way up to regular clothing. What a deal ! The trick was to kiss butt and agree with all the bull droppings that were hurled at you. Remember in the movie ' Kool Hand Luke '? Ole Paul Newman finally fell to his knees and swore that he wouldn't back talk, or sas back anymore ? Well, that's what happened to me. Yep ! They broke me and I gave in. I could quote the entire Bill W book backwards and even added a couple of steps to the program. That's how I escaped. Yep ! I'd had enough, so after a month I drove off in the Nut Mobile. Yep ! Ole Barney was unarmed and not dangerous. Yep, a Nut had flown the cuckoo's nest, as Life Goes On.

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Dang Luke, why did you have to say 50 eggs? couldn't you have said 35 or 30?
I'm shakin it boss man, I'm shakin it!

 

First a big Snazzy welcome to AllLab who has gone blind reading this truer than fiction crap. Snazzy points will be good for seeing eye cats and I do believe that I'm gifted. Of course, so did the state of Texas, as Life Goes On. Oh, I noticed that Big Duker remembers one of my favorite movies. It's a shame that they don't make them like that anymore. Well, Snazzy points to all and thanks for staying tuned.

So, I guess ya'll are wondering why I escaped from the funny farm ? Well, after I was released from the padded cell. They moved me into a semi private room with the Hair Puller. Yep ! That boy was nuttier than mad skunk high from sniffing glue. He'd done plucked every hair clean off his body and decided that my hair needed to go. So, I was sitting there on my bed and writing my life story. Yep, one of the requirements before you made step three (clothes wearer) was to write your life story. See, if your busy doing that, then there's less time to question the staff about the crazy crap. Anyway, ole Hair Puller reaches over and snatches a handful of my arm hair. NO ! I'm not a gorilla ! Now don't take your four fingers and try to yank out some arm hair. Hurts like hell doesn't it ? Told you not to do it. Anyway, he yanked out a handful and I just reacted. You know, I just got up and gave him a shove. Well, them waxed hospital floors and those slick soled slippers he was wearing did the rest. Yep, he sailed clear across the room and right out our second story window. He looked like turtle out of his shell being tossed into the Grand Canyon. So, I sashayed over and had a look see. Yep, his chicken plucked body done landed right on top of them neatly trimmed hedges. Of course, I immediately ran to the nurses station and reported it.

I was out of breath, " Nurse ! Nurse ! Hair Puller just jumped out of our window. I think he's dead ! "

Nurse Nancy didn't buy it, " Don't be silly ! Those windows don't even open, so quit making things up ! "

I was shocked, " I'm not ! He really did ! Come look ! He jumped right through the glass ! "

Nurse Nancy tossed her pen down and marched back with me. She stuck her head out that broken window and fainted. Yep ! All 250 lbs of her leaned towards the quick exit. So, I tried to grab her and oops ! Anyway, two down and this wasn't over. Yep ! I sashayed back to the nurses station and tried again.

I was in shock, " Excuse me Nurse Martha ! Your not going to believe this, but Hair Puller just jumped out our window. "

Nurse Martha gave me the look, " Sure Barney ! Now, I'm busy and don't have time for this ! "

I shrugged, " Alright ! I reported it to you ! That's all I can do ! "

Nurse Martha hissed, " Go find Nurse Nancy and report it to her ! "

I hung my head, " That's the part that I didn't think you'd believe ! "

Nurse Martha had to ask, " Believe what ? "

I hesitated, " Well ! You see, Hair Puller jumped out the window and I came and got Nurse Nancy. Anyway, she stuck her head out the window and fainted. So now, both of them are. Well ? I guess ? You know ! "

Martha jumped out of her chair, " This better not be a joke ! Show me what your problem is ! "

So, we marched back to my room and Nurse Martha stuck her head out the window. Well, no she didn't faint. She got all bug eyed and thought that I was trying to shove her out. Anyway, as she tumbled out trying keep away from me, I just gave up. What a deal ! So, now you know why I escaped, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

I returned to the nurses station but there were no nurses left.What a deal!
So, I noticed that Nurse Martha had left the sliding glass window open. You know, the one that kept the nuts separated, from the staff. Anyway, I slithered through and stuck a piece of tape over the buzzer button. Then I sashayed over to the exit and made my way down the stairwell. I ended up in the basement garage and the nut mobile was begging me to take her for a joy ride. Yep ! Her keys were in the ignition and the her garage door opener was on the dash. So, I drove out and hung a left. My mind voices were all worked up and talking at the same time. Yep ! That's when it hit me. There I was, a mentally instable Texan, with a history of drunk driving, and down on his luck. So, I drove myself straight to the party headquarters and demanded they nominate me for President of the United States. What a deal ! Well, that didn't work for me and I was recaptured. Now, the only good thing out of all of this was that no one was seriously injured. Yep, other then some bumps, scratches, and bruised egos. It seems that all three had landed in the shrubs, which had broken their fall. Ole, Hair Puller was actually pulling leaves off the bushes when they netted him. So, I was back in my padded cell and no worse for wear.

It seems that the hospital didn't want my escape known. You see, since I was already a certified nut, filing criminal charges would of been a waste of time. What could a jury do ? Find me nuts ? Anyway, it seems that I had over stayed my visit. No ! It wasn't because the hospital had given up on me. Nope ! They'd of kept me locked in there until Elsie came home. Yep ! Ole Wifey was the one for me to thank, for having gone through all of this. Yep ! You see, when she had become half legal owner of Amelia it gave her access to my health insurance. Well, it provided a thirty day coverage for substance abuse rehabilitation. So, when PO Hitler had interviewed her and discovered that. Well ! It seems that PO Hitler was getting a kickback from the Nut House, for each probationer it admitted. Yep ! You see, that Nut House got $1,000 per day, from my insurance company, for a total of thirty thousand dollars. Of course, as soon as the coverage ended. Well, you see what I'm saying. So, Judge Half Witt agreed with PO Hitler, that based on the Nut House findings. Yep ! I was a danger to myself and others. So, she ordered me sent to a State Hospital, for further evaluation. What a deal !

Now, back then the State of Texas, Mental Health and Retardation outfit worked with the courts to handle nuts like me. But, they didn't have the funds necessary. So, they discovered that I was a veteran. Yep ! They filed a medical claim with the V.A. Now, this is the kicker ! All of this was still over a couple of pending DWI's and an auto theft charge. I hadn't been convicted of anything. So, I was given another choice. I could refuse any further treatment and sit in jail until trial, or enter into the V.A. program for substance abuse. I know what your thinking ! Wouldn't jail of been better than another Nut House ? Your right and that's what I chose, but there was a problem. The county jail refused to accept me. Yep, the Sheriff was fed up having to house nuts. So, I was stuck in the middle. Now, I had a place to stay. Yep, they had me in another padded cell located in a small State facility, just West of Fort Worth. To be honest, I was sick of eating pancakes. Yep ! That's all that would slide under my door. So, I agreed to the V.A. treatment. I mean it had to be better than where I was at. Didn't it? We'll find out, as The Stomach Turns. err.. as, Life Goes On.

Let's break Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Snazz dangit! 12:30am just got caught up,think any stores are still open?
forgot to get stockin stuffers, crap! Quite the experience, I thank You!