Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Snazz that was also like being a pickpocket on that one......
So let me guess...James must be Head Dispatcher somewhere..??

 

Thanks for the thumbs up Duker and Pj ole James probably wasn't even dispatch material, as Life Goes On.

I unloaded my Datsun at my apartment and began to unpack. Gees, the place was starting to look like that old Biker Compound back in Idiot City. Yep, Mike the Beard had four bunk beds in the bedroom and a couple of them setup in the living room. There were empty beer bottles everywhere and lots of grease stains on the carpet. I sat on the couch and had to pull a kick starter out of my bo-bo. What a deal ! I fingered the answering machine to see if any of the 115 messages had my name on them. I wasn't happy because I didn't have any, but I was real upset with what I heard. Well, that was that ! Yep, it was about time me and Beard had a sit down. I called his cell phone and got his voice mail.

Please leave your message after the beep, " BEEP ! Hey Mike ! It's Barney ! You need to meet me at the Layover Club when you get off ! I'll be there waiting for you ! Don't bring any of your crew ! We need to get something straightened out ! So, come alone and I'll see you there. I wonder ... does this beep again ? Anyway, I'll be there.. be waiting for you.. Hello ? I bet this thing isn't working... So, if you get this.. ####, hate talking to.. Mike, if you get this let me know.. Well, I'll see you there ! If you get this.. "

I slammed the phone down and stripped down to take a shower. Yep, there were motorcycle parts soaking in some chemicals inside the tub. Crap ! So, I jumped in and degreased. No I didn't ! I repacked and headed for the Bed and Bug. Yep, there I was paying for a room, while I had a nice apartment occupied by who knows what. What a deal ! I crapped, showered, and shaved, before heading for the club. Julie was behind the bar, as I sashayed in. She gave me hug and poured me a cold one.

I took a gulp, " So ! What's been going on ? "

Julie leaned on the bar, " Not much. Did you just get in ? "

I lit up, " Yeah ! Man, that student that I had was a trip. He sure got under my skin ! Gees ! Another one like him and I'll be in a padded cell ! "

Julie held my hand, " You look awful ! Are you feeling alright ? "

I blew smoke, " I bet that I haven't had a good nights sleep since..."

Joe slapped me on the back, " There you are ! Did you just get in ? "

I took another gulp, " Yeah ! So, what's being going on ? "

Joe took a gulp, " Not much. Where's you buddy at ? "

I rolled my eyes, " He's suppose to meet me here. I had to leave him one of those voice mails ! Gees ! I hate them #### things ! "

So, we all bad mouthed the voice mail devils and enjoyed each others company. The club began to fill with thirsty drivers, as the beer flowed and the jukebox sang. Joe and I claimed our regular table when his wife made her entrance. Julie waited our table and her wiggly butt kept my eyes full. It was almost last call, as Mike made his entrance.

Mike was holding his helmet, " Say ! How's it going ? Did you just get in ?"

I took a gulp, " It took you long enough ! We need to talk ! "

The Beard grinned, " Hey Julie ! Joe ! Miss Joe ! How are ya'll doing. "

I stood up, " Let's go outside and talk ! "

The Beard put his helmet on the table, " Julie can I get a beer or am I too late? Let me buy us a round ! "

Julie wiggled away, " I'll be right back ! "

I pulled on the leather jacket, " Come on ! We need to talk ! "

The Beard followed me outside, " What's up ? "

I spat, " One of your crew is dealing out of my apartment ! I'm not putting up with it ! You better clean house or I will ! That's BS ! "

Mike thumbed his beard, " Your wrong ! None of my ..."

I pointed my drunk finger, " Go listen to the answering machine ! That SOB has an hours worth of dope dealing messages. #### ! Mike I wasn't born yesterday ! You better..."

Mike backed up, " Whose on it ? Which one ? "

I shook my head, " I don't know who it is ? Whoever is calling is just placing orders. You know ! It doesn't record whoever is ..."

Mike's eyes narrowed, " I'll take care of it ! I have a good idea who it is and I'll stomp him a new ..."

I raised my hands, " Hey ! Do what you need to do ! Now, one more thang and you don't have to do it right away. Mike ! There's too many guys living there ! You need to thin the herd. I mean, it wasn't too bad with a you and a couple of..."

Mike counted on his fingers, " First of all, I'm paying the electric ! I'm the one that put up that phone deposit and pays the bill each month ! I got with the manager and she's letting us park our bikes.."

I lit up, " I don't care what she says ! That's my apartment and I don't want a bunch of druggies over there ! Mike ! We're like brothers and I know that ...:

Mike grabbed the back of my neck, " Bar, Bar, the Barney Man ! Let's go back in our beer is getting warm ! "

So, we did and drank up. Mike was the first to leave, followed by Joe and wife. I stayed behind and helped Julie close up. We ended up in bed. No! Not all of us ! Just me and Julie, at the Bed and Bug. Springs bounced, Julie screamed, and I moaned. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

YAHOOO!!! Finally a normal night.........??????
Keep it comin snazz..

 

Buckle up Pj here we go, as Life Goes On.

Ed was waiting for me, as I sashayed into his office.

Ed was Ed, " Have a seat Barn. Did you enjoy your days off ? Good ! Now, you have to understand that it's ok with the student. I explained that we tried to make different arrangements. Anyway, do you have any questions ? "

I gave Ed the look, " What are you talking about ? Don't tell me ! Let's see, Nut case ? Drug abuser ? Ex-con ? Black Panther ? No speaky de Engish ? Which is it ? "

Ed grinned, " All she has on her record are a few of shoplifting convictions. That's all ! She's off her probation and finished at the top of her class ! "

My eyebrows raised, " She ? Wait a minute ! I thought that all the females trained with ...."

Ed jumped in, " I don't have any left ! Both of the ones we had quit ! Well, one quit and the other one is still recovering from that accident. Remember that student that rolled her rig on IH 80 ? She was the trainer on that. Oh, that reminds me, I need to call ..."

I protested , " Ed ! I don't know about this ! You know, I'm single and all, but my girlfriend might not understand. "

Ed waved his arm, " You don't have to marry her ! Just train her and keep your pecker to yourself ! Now, she's in the break room, go ahead and get with her. I'll see you when you get back. "

So, I trotted down the stairs and sashayed over to the break room. Now, you know how you sometimes want to get the skinny on things. You know, you want to get an idea of what's up, so you cheat a little. Well, that's what I did. Yep, I peeked inside to get a gander of the little lady. I mean after all, we'd be soul mates together for awhile. Now picture this ! Ya'll remember in the movie Jaws where Chief Brody was chucking chum. You know, he was tossing dead fish bait over to attract the shark. That's when he got the shock of his life and backed into the cabin. He had that panicked look on his face and uttered those famous words.

I slowly backed into Ed's office, " I think we'll need a bigger truck ! "

Ed doubled over laughing, " #### Barney ! She's a little on the plump side, that's all ! Now get going ! "

I held my ground, " What's she going to do ? Ride in the trailer ! Gees ! She has to be 600 lbs ! She won't fit in there ! What did you do ? Buy her at the stock show ? I've seen smaller Brahma Bulls ! "

Ed had tears in his eyes, " Stop it ! Your killing me ! She might hear you and come charging up here ! "

I busted out laughing, " Hell ! I need a cattle hauler ! She was sitting down on the table and her cheeks were hanging off both ends of it ! "

Ed wiped his tears, " Get a grip Barney ! Look on the bright side, you'll have plenty of shade in the summer and good cover for the winter ! "

So, Ed and I swapped fat jokes until Elsie got offended. I finally managed to get a grip and tried again.

I bit my tongue, " How are ya'll doing, I mean how are you doing ? "

The table creaked, " I'm fine ! You must be Barney. I'm Sue and that's my stuff over there. Did Ed tell you that I don't mind training with a fella ? "

I shook her hoof, " Sue ? I knew a Sue that was a Carney. You know, she was a trapeze artist, on the high wire. Well, let's get your gear loaded and check with dispatch. "

So, I sashayed, as Sue waddled across the graveled parking lot. I had Sue do a pretrip, as I checked with dispatch, did number 1 and shot Ed the finger. I was pleasantly surprised, Sue did an excellent job inspecting the truck and managed to squeeze inside. Dan the shop foreman spotted me and came running over.

Dan was concerned, " Hey Barney ! I'm sorry ! She checked out fine earlier and it must of started leaking out here. Let's raise the hood and I'll check her out ! "

I pulled the hood straps, " Dang Dan ! I didn't notice that earlier. I'm glad that you spotted it. What is it, the airbag ? "

Dan leaned over the tire, " No ! That looks alright and the shock isn't broken. Let me check under here. Nope ! I don't know ? Wait a minute ! It's leaning the other way now. See that ? "

I stepped back, " #### thing is sitting like a lowrider and look at those tires! I've never seen one do that. Oh man ! Watch out she's leaning like she might fall over. "

The ground shook, " What are ya'll looking at ? "

It hit me, " Do me a favor Sue and climb back in there. We're just checking something out. "

So, the mystery was solved. Dan covered his face with his grease rag to hide his laughter. I mounted the shotgun seat and sat a foot taller than Sue. I tried not to snicker, as Sue steered us away. Yep, the poor truck moaned and groaned down the big road. Her air seat bottomed out, as Sue jammed gears and let her rock. Now, I'll say this ! Ole Sue was a heck of a driver. She aced every hole, timed those rpm's just right, and held a mean wheel. I was impressed and let Sue know that she was the only student that had done things right. Yep, she had done a thorough pretrip, drew her lines in the comic book just right, and had remembered to buckle up. Yep, maybe finally I'd gotten a student that was trainable. You know, one that had the basics down and wasn't a hard case. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

And Awaaayyy weeee goooo..................saddle up boys, its gunna be a ruff ride..:smt061

 

Good night Snazz. Hope you're dreaming of Julie-not Sue.

 

Dang Big Duker that's Sue alright ! So as Pj put it, away we go, as Life Goes On.

Sue parked between the pumps and I climbed down. Sue fueled, while I wiped the windows and did a quick walk around. Since Sue had driven so well, I let her park the rig. She backed in like a pro. and pulled the yellow knob. We made our way into the Greasy Spoon and it was crowded as a Strip Joint on Saturday night. I spotted a couple of toad stools in front of the counter.

I nose nodded towards them , " I guess it's that or nothing. "

Sue plopped down, " Where are you going to sit ? "

I lied, " I like standing up while I eat. "

Yep, ole Sue had one butt cheek on each stool. I tried to ignore all of the snickering, as I fingered the menu. The waitress poured the 40 weight and pulled out her order pad.

Sue went first, " I'll have the number 6, 8, 12 with fries, and a diet coke."

I covered my face with the menu, " Snicker, snicker, snicker, I'll have the special, medium well, fries, and an ice tea. "

Sue had to ask, " Well ! How did I do ? "

I was honest, " You did real good ! Ed said, that you graduated at the top of your class. So, tell me about yourself. "

Sue was wound up, " I grew up in South, Texas and have two older brothers. My dad was a long hauler and taught me how to drive. I got married my senior year and my husband joined the army. We moved to Waco a couple of years ago and that's where we live now. My husband is on disability and I worked in fast food. I got injured on the job and ended up on welfare. So, they paid for the CDL school and I graduated at the top of my class. What about you ? "

I salted my special, " I'm was married for over 20 years and have been divorced awhile now. I've got three daughters that live with their mom and two of them are twins. You know, not identical, the other kind. Anyway, I started driving rigs back in the 70's and ended up training for TLX. "

Sue licked her plate, " Ed said, that you use to be a cop. "

I took a sip of tea, " Yeah ! We all make mistakes ! So, how did your husband end up being disabled ? "

Sue whispered, " He's not and I really didn't slip down at work. He gets his Veterans benefits and I tried to sue that fast food joint. They settled out of court and I didn't get much. I learned my lesson ! Next time I' know what to do. "

I gave Sue the look, " I hope your not thinking about suing TLX. They'd rather pay a lawyer a million bucks, than to settle a $1,000 claim. "

Sue licked her second plate, "The best way is to sue a fortune 500 company. That's the mistake that I made, those little franchise places don't have any money. "

I changed the subject, " I guess that I need to give you my standard speech. I'm God on that truck ! What I say goes ! If you have a problem with that, just keep it to yourself ! I'll explain why I do things, but won't argue about it ! You have to earn the right to use the radio, CB, and cruise control. You can also lose those rights. Now, I know that your a female and if something comes up that requires special consideration. Well, just let me know. "

Sue licked her last plate, " Just treat me like one of the guys ! I don't want any special treatment ! "

So, I paid the meal ticket and we set sail. I held the wheel, as Sue tried to crush the bottom bunk. What a deal ! Now, I really didn't care for what Sue had bragged about. You know, I had a few things in my past, but I never really plotted to rip anyone off. Of course who was I to mount a high horse and look down my snoot ? Yep, I figured that Sue may have been trying to impress me. You know, I had let my appearance slip a little. I'd grown a beard and started wearing biker attire. You know, I hung out with Mike the Beard and wanted to fit in. Besides that, Julie seemed to be attracted to my bad boy image. Yep, I figured that Sue was talking tough to gain favor with me. Now, one thing that I had found out, was how others are so quick to pass judgment. Yep, when I sashayed into a Shipper's office they took notice. They probably figured that I was some meth smoking, bike riding, tough guy, looking to rumble. Of course, we all know that I was just trying to find myself. No ! I wasn't lost ! I knew where I was at and never had forgotten where I'd been. Well, you know what I mean, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers,your Snazzy1.

 

So the plot thickens -- Sue wavin the RED FLAG(of i want sumthin fer nuthin) and good ol' Snazz is gonna git caught in the middle.... or is he???

 

Yep Pj, something for nothing, as Life Goes On.

We delivered our load in Atlanta and ended up at one of those paper mills. You know where they stuff your trailer with those 1,000 lb rolls stacked on top of each other. Yep, they always load more than the law allows and you have to slide your rear axles back to satisfy the bridge law. You know, you distribute the weight, so your legal on each axle. Anyway, I explained to Sue, as she followed me around like a pet elephant. What a deal !

I yanked on the lever, " See this ! Now Sue, remember to spray some of that WD-40. That helps to free things up and slide the rear axle. Now when I point you need pull up real slow and when I make a fist you'll need to stop. You got that ? "

So, Sue climbed behind the wheel and I could see her fat rosy jowls flapping in the West Coast mirror. What a deal !

I pointed, " Slow ! Slow ! A little more ! Hold it ! "

Sue stuck her fat head out of the window, " Is that it ? "

I lowered my fist, " That got it ! Come on back here and I'll show you. "

Sue waddled back, " Oh, I see ! So we're legal now ? "

I continued my lecture, " When we head for the exit, there's a scale we use to weigh each axle. I know from experience which hole we need by looking at that BOL. We should be right on the money ! See, they show 46 rolls, at 1,000 lbs each, that makes it 46,000 lbs. We're a little under 34,000 empty and that includes fuel. That's why we didn't fill all the way up. Remember that diesel fuel weighs about 7 lbs per gallon ! Yep, with them dual 140 gallon tanks, that adds up. Lets go get on the scale and see if we're close. "

So, Sue wheeled us over to the small scale house. Yep, it was one of them old setups that you had to weigh each axle on and serve yourself.

I barked my orders, " Sue ! I'm going inside that little shack and you'll need to watch that light pole. When I switch it to green you'll need to pull up real slow. When I flip it to red you'll need to stop. I can read the scale inside and find out how we're doing. Now, if you over shoot that scale, I'll start blinking that red light on and off. That means for you to back up and try again. I'll make sure that no one pulls up behind you. You got all of that and understand ? "

So, Sue nodded her cow head, as I sashayed inside the small wooden shack. That old scale was like a Doctor's office scale. You know, it had those huge weights that hung from a long metal bar. By sliding the weights you could balance the beam and scale your weight. No ! Not your weight ! The axle weights ! Anyway, I flipped on the green light, as Sue slowly drove forward. The second the front axle centered on top of the metal platform I flipped on the red light. Sue hit the air brakes and I played nurse. Yep, I slid over one weight, then another, and another. Hmm ! I counted on my fingers and tapped the bar. Hmm ! I scratched my head and thumbed my beard. I decided to weigh the next axle. Yep, I flipped on the green light and Sue pulled up until I flipped on the red. I slid a couple of more weights over. Yep, that showed just under 17,000 lbs. So, I flipped on the lights and slid the weights. What a deal ! I wrote down my findings and rejoined Sue.

I sat in the shotgun seat, " Look here Sue ! According to that scale we're a little over on our steer axle and right at 80,000 lbs. I don't understand this, because that's never happened before. "

Sue looked over my scribbling, " Well ! If we're under 80,000 we're legal, aren't we ? "

I lectured some more, " No ! Your only allowed 12,000 lbs on the steers and 17,000 on each tandem axle. You know, your drive and trailer axles that have dual wheels. If you multiply 17,000, by four, that comes out to 68,000. Then add on 12,000, for your steer axle and it all adds up to 80,000 lbs. The bears love to write over weight tickets and they really watch for overweight axles. It's a racket and makes then big bucks. "

Sue had to ask, " What are you going to do ? Have them take off a roll ? "

I laughed, " They won't do that ! They'll unload us and give the load to another truck. I'm trying to figure out why we're so heavy on the steer axle. I've never had this problem before. Tell you what ! There's a Cat scale at the truckstop and it's before that Chicken Coupe. We can scale there and chances are this scale here is off a bit. "

So, I took the reins and we set sail. A few miles later I stopped on the Cat and spoke into the speaker. Sue had to excuse herself and waddled over to the ladies room.

The speaker spoke, " Company name, truck number, trailer number, and is this your first weigh ? "

I screamed, " TLX, truck 512, trailer T-188, and it's my first weigh ! "

The speaker, " Come to the fuel desk, for your weight ticket. "

So, I sashayed in and paid the clerk. Yep, just what I thought ! That old scale had been off a plenty. Yep, we was as legal as eagle-beagles sitting on the Supreme Court porch. What a deal ! So, I filled my thermos with go juice and waited for Sue. She waddled out carrying half of the snack bar goodies and plopped down in the copilot's seat.

I waved the scale ticket, " Look here ! That old scale was off a good 400 lbs and we're looking good now ! "

Sue ripped open a bag of Doe-feet-toes, " Crunch, crunch, crunch. These are good ! They didn't have any my Yummy Bears ! "

So, I pushed in the yellow knob and headed into the wind. We only went an exit down before I swung onto the Bears trap. The red light lit up as the speaker spoke.

The speaker, " Driver ! Pull around back and bring in your paperwork ! "

I cheesed, " Will do ! Over and out ! "

Sue crunched some more, " Why is he having us pull in ? "

I grinned, " He's probably bored or maybe he wants some of your chips. "

So, I parked around back and sashayed in carrying the dreaded paperwork. The Bear was all business and clawed over every bit of it.

The Bear growled, " Driver ! Your 400 lbs over on your steers ! "

I protested, " Look at this ! That's a certified Caterpillar Scale Ticket ! I weighed just an exit back from here ! There must be something wrong with your scale ! "

The Bear paused, " Go ahead and pull back around ! I'll reweigh you to make sure, but I'll to go by my scale ! "

So, I swung back around, as Sue sucked down her jumbo sized five gallon diet Coke. What a deal ! I parked and resashayed back in and it was day-job-fool all over again.

The Bear wouldn't budge, " Your 400 lbs over ! You'll have to do something, but sliding them axles ain't going to cut it ! How much fuel do you have on?

I rolled my flapping eyes, " They're not even half full ! I've pulled a plenty of these paper loads ! What the hell is going on ? "

Sue shook the candy machine, " This #### vending machine took my money and didn't give me my Yummy Bears ! "

The Bear lit up, " Driver ! Why don't you leave your partner here and try it again. "

So, I tried one more time and sure enough the mystery was solved. Yep, ole Yummy Bear eaten, tiny two-ton, fat headed, cow looking, pig faced, finger licken, seat breaking, mattress crushing, con artist Sue. What a deal ! So, the Bear. No ! Not the Yummy Bear ! The State Bear handed me back my paperwork and had a good laugh. I set sail, but knew this was going to be a long trip. Yep, there had to be a dozen bear traps, between there and where we were headed. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

roflmao!!!!

wiping the tears from my eyes even!

thanks snazzy! haven't laughed that hard in a while