Hi, I'm Snazzy and I'm Trucker

Yep Big Duker and Pjw044, maybe some meds for me and a butt kicking for the Col, by Eugene. I see that Sassytrucker posted a picture of Col Wilbur. Snazzy points all around, as Life Goes On.

I drove as far as Miss-I-Sippie before calling it a night. Col Flapping Jowls was still pilling on the manure and trying my patience. A bright June moon hung above, as lightening bugs danced in the air. Due of the late hour, I was only able to park facing the the rear section of the truckstop. It was a tight fit, but I managed to back her in between two sleeping big rigs.

I pulled out the yellow knob, " We'll shut down here for the night and get an early start. Go ahead and show yourself off duty and we'll get us a bite to eat "

Col Wilbur drew a line, " Mr Goose, I was wondering. How do I get a cash advance using this Com-Check Card ? "

I had to ask, " Cash advance ? I thought that you owned Fort Knocks ! "

Col Excuses explained, " I'm writing my autobiography and wish to experience things, as a normal student would. People tend to treat me different when they know who I am. You can understand that ! "

I rolled my eyes, " Sure ! Now, let me tell you this. I always pay for the meals and your no exception. It's just something I do, since TLX only starts students out at a nickel per mile. "

Col Wilbur pushed his luck, " Sure you do ! Now, if it just the same, I'll pay my own way. You know, the way you were treating me, I figured that you might be different. "

I had to ask, " What's that suppose to mean ? "

Col Crap Head had to say it, " Well, trying to buy favor with me. "

I went postal, " Let me tell you something ! I'm on to you ! Your so full of crap that eyes should be brown ! You might have fooled Ed and got Crook Jr halfway believing your BS, but not me ! So, if your so smart and know it all, well you figure it out ! Do us both a favor, just shut-up and don't talk to me ! "

Col Wilbur knew he had screwed up, " Your right Mr Goose, I was out of line. It's really a pleasure to meet someone like you. I'm so use to being brown nosed and sucked up to, that ..."

I'd heard enough, " Just take that fuel card, over to the fuel desk, and ..... Oh forget it ! Just follow me ! "

So, I sashayed, as the Col, bow-legged it over to the fuel desk. Yep, he still had on his Yosemite Sam outfit and several drivers snickered out loud. I couldn't blame them any, because Col Wilbur was a sight to see. He was a good 6' tall, heavy set, around 250 lbs of mostly flab, had freckled rosy cheeks, a handlebar mustache, and white hair. He claimed to be in his early 50's, so back then he'd been about 7 years my senior. I knew that he had bleached his hair, because of his reddish arm hairs. Anyway, it really didn't matter to me. You know, I just wanted to get that fool off of my truck and to be done with him. After our meal we went to bed down and I had to bite my tongue. Yep, ole Col Brag It, who had claimed to have climbed Mount Everest, couldn't even mount the top bunk. No! I wasn't being nice ! The truth is, that I didn't want Col Tub of Lard to be hanging over me. So, I took the top bunk and called it a night.

Early the next morning, after taking care of business, we were prepared to head out. I really didn't want to let Col Wilbur take the wheel, but there wasn't much of a choice. You know, it was better to deal with it then, than to end up in Miami, with ole Col Knot Head fighting the traffic. I buckled into the copilots seat and played trainer.

I warned him, " Now, Wilbur ! You did a fine job on that pretrip inspection. Make sure to adjust those mirrors and get them so you can see out. Get that seat the way you like it and buckle up. Alright now, remember we're squeezed in here a little tight. Make sure that you clear both of these guys and don't cut it too sharp. Can you see out alright ? "

Wilbur pushed in the fart knob, " I can see out just fine ! Ooopps ! "

I spoke calmly, " That's alright ! Go ahead and restart her and ease out on that clutch. There you go ! Now, go ahead and cut her, a little more, that's it. Hold it, hold it ! Hit the brake ! The brake ! #### ! "

Wilbur kept going, " What's wrong ? We're alright ! "

I gave him the look, " Pull over ! Pull over and stop ! You ###### Idiot ! You hit the #### building ! "

Wilbur pulled the fart knob, " No I didn't ! I wasn't even close ! "

I climbed down, " Look at that ! Look at it ! You scrapped the whole fender and look at that bumper ! #### ! "

Wilbur stood next to me, " I didn't do that ! That must already been there ! "

I pointed and sashayed, " Come on ! I'll show you what you did ! See that ? Do you see that wall ? That red paint there is what you did ! Look ! That silver mark is where the bumper scraped against it ! Do you see it ? "

Col Wilbur adjusted his ten gallon hat, " Well, I know what happened. When you told me to brake, I pushed in on that clutch brake, and it didn't stop me. Yeah, that's why she died earlier ! Your clutch brake isn't working and I bet it needs adjusting ! "

I rolled my twitching eyes, " The clutch brake ? The clutch brake ! What the hell are you talking about ? "

Wilbur was happy to educate me, " When you push that clutch all the way in, it engages the brakes. It's referred to as a clutch brake and when their new like this, the factory sometimes fails to adjust them. I had the same problem back when I was ...."

I blew a gasket, " You Idiot ! You don't even know what a clutch brake is ! It has nothing to do with the brakes ! It's inside the bell housing and it just slows down the clutch rpms, so it matches the axle rpms ! It has nothing to do with stopping the truck. Gees ! Your an Idiot ! A stupid ###### Idiot ! "

Wilbur looked on the bright side, " I bet we can compound out those scratches. When I was at NASA ...."

So, I sashayed away, as Col Non Driver stood there and lied to himself. Yep, I didn't want to hear another word out of him. I was so mad that words can't begin to ..... Oooopppps, I think this is the big one ! Yep, just thinking back to that God Awful Day ! A day that will live in infamy ! The day that warped my faith in mankind and forever changed me. I knew from that minute on that I could kill a man with my bare hands. Yes, I had to use all of my will and inner strength, so as not to rip Col Lucky To Be Alive a new one. I took deep breaths and tried to contain my rage. I don't remember dialing the number, but I must had.

Ring, ring, " This is Ed ! "

I spoke in tongue, " Ur Idoit he he uh truck building smashed new all whole side gone kill him will ca'tne go on ! "

Ed was Ed, " Barney ! Get a grip ! You said that Wilbur hit the side of a 76 and you think that he might be dead ? "

I got a grip, " No ! The Idiots still alive for now ! He just tore up my brand new truck and I'm getting ready to kill him ! "

Ed laughed, " Don't kill him yet ! His Dad is flying out here and it looks good. Crook Jr says, that the old man is really interested in investing with us. How bad is the truck damaged ? "

I lit up a 100, " He scraped the whole drivers side fender and pushed the chrome bumper in a good couple of inches ! That Idiot is a real nut case ! "

Ed calmed me down, " Well, just take some pictures of the damage and call it into our safety department. Now, don't let this get to you ! We have this happen all of the time, so go ahead and make your delivery. We'll talk at you later, see ya bye ! "

So, I took some photos of the poor abused victim and had Col Nutso call our safety department. The truckstop manager wasn't interested in making a police report, since his wall wasn't damaged. Anyway, other than my nice new virgin Century being raped and my outlook on life being changed forever. Well, you know, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

"I wanna, I wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill, KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL,...""

(Arlo Guthrie... from "Alice's Restaurant")
​

 

Yep Ducks, Alice's restaurant brings back memories. I guess my favorite part was when the blind judge was looking over the photographs. What a deal, as Life Goes On.

I sent Col Wilbur to his room and drove all day. We entered the Miami City Limits, just as the sun was setting. Of course my GPS directions were less than helpful and I somehow ended up in Little Havana. Col Wilbur plopped down in the side chair and got my attention.

I had to ask, " What the hell do you have on ? "

Col Wilbur explained, " Back when I was a flight instructor with the Blue Angels I designed this. This flight suit has air pockets in it, that keeps a pilots blood flowing, and from draining to his lower extremities. "

I rolled my eyes, " Well, why are you wearing it ? You know, it makes you like Snoopy the cartoon dog ! "

Wilbur adjusted his goggles, " Sure it does ! That's how it got the code name Red Barron Beagle ! Yep, this flight suit can withstand over two thousand G's and is flame resistant. I flamed out over Iran, back when they had taken our U.S. hostages. Well, the flames were so hot they melted away the entire can-of-pee. Yep, I ditched her in the Gulf of Her Ear and pulled this rip cord. This canister can inflate the suit and make it into a float able raft. Yep, a team of Navy Seals ...."

I had heard enough, " Wilbur, shut up and listen to me ! The GPS directions aren't right and we're in a pretty rough neighborhood. That's one reason why I wanted to get an earlier start. Look in this Road Atlas and see if you can find out where we are at. I don't want to stop, because we're sitting ducks and that trailer is full of beer. That's all we need, to be hijacked now and left on foot. Man, look at all of those gang members over there ! Wait, don't get out ! Wilbur ! Wilbur ! "

Nope ! I was too late, as Col Loony Tunes opened the passenger door and approached the thirty gang members. They were all gathered up in front of a Latino Bar and high as kites. The La Bamba music shook the rig, as I pulled out the yellow knob. The bar sat right at an intersection and a red light flashed in all four directions. My hope was to sashay over and get Wilbur back in the truck. Well, before I could even open my door the gang spotted their prey. So, I threw her in gear, pushed in the knob and raced away. Now, this is the part where you think I'm going to say, 'No I Didn't' Well, yes I did ! Yep, I wasn't going to risk my life to save that Idiot. You know, why should I ? He's the one who put himself in that position and I didn't have anything to do with it. So, I had only driven about half of a block, when a bright flash lit up my mirrors. At the same instant, I heard what sounded to be a shotgun blast. Yep, at least half of the gang ran past me like I was sitting still. I couldn't help, but to circle the block and take a look see. You know, at least I'd be able to direct the cops over to the homicide scene and help recover Wilbur's body.

The street was deadly quiet, the music had stopped, and you could hear a pen drop. The bar was blacked out and not a soul was stirring, as I slowly drove in search of .... Wait ! What's that ? Yes, Wilbur was slumped over the curb and laying face down. I tried to spot an address number, so I'd be able to report my findings. You know, when I got to a safe area. Well, #### it to hell, ole Wilbur was still kicking. So, I pulled the fart knob and gawked around. Yep, after I was certain for my safety, I sashayed over. Wilbur was in bad shape and in shock. I could see where that shotgun blast had ripped into that Snoopy Suit and caught Wilbur in his chest area. It was blackened and torn with ragged edges. Pieces of small rubber were still floating in the air, as I helped Wilbur to his feet.

I spoke calmly, " You'll be OK ! Come on and I'll help you back to the truck. Easy, easy, there you go. Climb up there and here, that's it ! Just lay down and I'll get us out of here. "

So, Wilbur held down the bottom bunk, as I raced back towards the way we had come. I spotted the freeway entrance and gained speed. Yep, there was a hospital exit sign that I remembered passing. So, I swung the big rig into the hospital entrance and blew the air-horn. Several attendants rushed over pushing a gurney and loaded Col Fat Head onto it. I followed behind the mad dash and stood by the emergency room door. Doctors, nurses, a Priest, the cleaning lady, two midgets, and a lawyer rushed past me. I paced the hallway and tried to stay focused, as the Police Officer approached me.

The Officer was all business, " Can you tell me what happened ? "

I was honest, " He's a student driver and I'm his trainer. I got turned around and lost over in Little Havana. I tried to stop him ! He got out and some gang member shot him ! There had to be 200 of them and I barely got away myself ! I'm lucky to be alive ! "

The Officer patted me on the back, " You did what you could ! The Doctors here can work miracles and your buddy will be just fine ! "

The Officer's radio spoke up, " All units ! All sectors, signal 12, 19, 36, and a 42 ! Red Alert ! Reports of a suicide bomber in Little Havana ! All units use caution and respond code 3 ! "

The Officer ran for the exit, " I have to answer that ! Good luck ! "

The Doctor approached me, " You'll need to take your friend over to County and have him admitted there. There's nothing more we can do for him. "

I was stunned, " There's nothing more that you can do ? "

The Doctor explained, " We don't handle nut cases ! That guy is a lunatic and needs to be in a rubber room. Does he blow himself up very often ? "

I rolled my twitching eyes, " He wasn't shot ? "

The Doctor laughed, " No ! He said, something about his thumb got caught in his Snoopy Suit ? A ripcord and an air canister ? He's nuts ! Well, I'll send him back out here. We've got some gang members coming in and you know how that goes. Well, have a good one ! "

So, I loaded Col Fornicate Me Running back into my new, but damaged. Well, you know what I mean, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

So its Col. Screwball now, is it?
Call the boys in the white coats and take him to Bellvue looney bin...

 

Oh man that is one of the best chapters yet Snazz. ROFLMAO

 

Wait, wait! Don't I recollect...?

That Ed. He's such a sweetheart. I can tell that you're his favorite and most BESTEST trainer, Snazzy! Yep, nothing but the best for Barney Goose!

 

Lost the first post... thanks Flying J.

Ten days out on the road and it's taken me a while to catch up. I think the Snazzy stories are better though when you can read 'em ten at a time.

BTW, Snazzy... I think the truck I've been driving for the last ten days might have the sleeper from Tyrone's old KW. It smelled like a chain-smoking dead grizzly bear had been living in here when I picked her up. Febreze is a wonderful thing!

 

Yep Pjw044, Col Screwball wasn't done with me yet. I'm glad that Big Duker is still enjoying these truer than fiction tales. Yep Ducks, Ed was a better liar than I ever was. Snazzers be sure to keep up with lilillill's thread, I snuck over and enjoyed his account of getting back his CDL. Stay safe out there lilillill and keep us updated on your travels. Snazzy points all around, as Life Goes On.

I finally made it to our delivery point and pulled out the yellow knob. The Col had taken refuge back in the sleeper and kept a low profile. I sashayed over with my paperwork and was assigned a dock door. It was still dark, but the lot was well lit and the big rigs were busy doing what big rigs do. Col Ding Bat met me by the drivers door.

I did a double take, " What the hell have you got on ? "

Col Nut Case explained, " This is the native dress of the Pig Me tribe. They presented me this and appointed me as their White Father, for ridding them of Sly-Bow-We. He was the largest man eating lion that ever terrorized the Congo. He was eating at least 39 Pig Me's a week and I snared him using dental floss. He's in my nature reserve now ! "

My eyes twitched, " Do us both a favor ! Get back in the sleeper and don't come out. You look ridiculous ! "

Col La La updated me, " Oh, I already opened the trailer doors and she's ready to roll. You want me to back her on that dock ? "

I gave him the look, " No ! You just get back in the sleeper and stay there. Don't touch anything ! Don't look at anything ! Don't do anything ! "

So, Col Pig Crap disappeared back into his padded cell. I was really starting to get worried about him. Yep, with that grass skirt, beads around his neck, and Burger Queen crown he sure looked nuts. Anyway, I pushed in the knob and backed her on back. I barely tapped it when all the crashing noise echoed a familiar sound. Yep, beer bottles smashing onto concrete, case, after case, after case. I sashayed back into the warehouse and couldn't believe it.

The Eye, " I saw the whole thing ! When you bumped that dock those top cases just started tumbling down ! Where are your load locks at ? "

I waded through the beer suds, " Look ! They were just laying loose here and weren't even braced against the trailer walls. See that ! Their set all the way in ! No wonder ! Now, this was a preloaded trailer and ........"

The Eye cut me short, " Driver ! That doesn't matter ! You should of seen that they weren't secured, when you opened those trailer doors ! "

It hit me, " I didn't open the doors ! "

Col Witch Doctor piped in, " Man, Mr Goose that's a mess ! "

I spun around, " Who said that you could get out of the truck ? Get back in there and don't come out ! "

Col Num Nuts lit my fuse, " Don't blame this on me ! I had nothing to do with it ! "

I exploded, " You fricken Idiot ! You took those load locks down ! Why ? Tell me why ! Don't lie to me ! Just tell me ! Why ? "

Col No Idea explained, " Well ! How are they suppose to unload with those metal bars in their way ? I just took them loose and propped them up. "

I couldn't believe it, " You stupid Idiot ! You don't ever take those down ! They keep the load secure and the warehouse .... "

The Eye had to ask, " Are you alright ? "

I raised the load lock, " I'm going to kill him ! Get back ! I'm going to kill him and don't try to stop me ! "

Wilbur backed up, " Wait ! Wait ! Ouch ! I got a piece of glass in my foot. This isn't fair ! Wait a minute ! "

So, I charged after Col Running Scared, as he did the bloody foot dance over the shattered beer bottles . I pointed the spear dead center and charged full speed. The Col was like a elephant being hunted for his ivory, as he disappeared into the darkened warehouse. I tracked his bloody foot prints and strained to spot his hiding place. I mean, it wasn't like I was going to let him get away. Well, the Eye. You know, the warehouse guy who had seen the whole thing. He and several of his coworkers decided to save Wilbur's life. Yep, they managed to calm me down and disarm me. I tried to explain, that it would of been a justifiable homicide. So, we made a deal. Yep, in return for my not killing Col Lucky To Be Alive, they didn't report the damaged goods. It was a fair deal, because I knew that there would be better opportunities. Yep, no sense in rushing things, as Life Goes On.

Nightie night Snazzers, your Snazzy1.

 

Better watch it Snazzy, Col. Running Scared will get the "Witch Doctor" to put a curse on ya. (Well another one anyway )

 

I KNOW THAT COL WITCH DOCTOR IS GOING TO PUT THE CURSE ON YOU. PROBABLY HAS ONE OF THOSE DOLLS YOU STICK PINS AND NEEDLES IN. I GOT YOU SOME HELP TO FIGHT THE CRAZY SOB.
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