Recommend a company for a company driver with these parameters?

I realize this is going to read like an entitled dating profile from a really hot twenty year old girl, but whatever. Dare to dream. Here goes. There will probably even be some contradictions. Oh well. Also as a caveat, I'm not a "new driver" just been out of the industry for three years.

*No NYC, No northeast (none of this "we don't go to NYC" but then they end up wasting your time in New Jersey BS)

*Ideally no East Coast (but as long as it's just an in&out type thing I can compromise. Just don't want to be cruising up and down I-95 or anything like that or fighting over parking spots at 3:30 in the afternoon at truckstops in North Carolina or something).

*Don't mind the border with MX (would even be willing to run loads into MX if there even are any such companies that do that)

*Prefer not to deal with the Canadian border (See I said "prefer" so it's not a dealbreaker. Wouldn't even mind running a few hundred miles up into the great white north, it's just that you never know if they're going to waste your time at that border for multiple hours, throw away your cold cuts from your fridge or this or that. I once worked for a company that wanted me to drop & hook at a yard half a mile on the other side of the Canadian border. To me, that's not worth it. Potentially sitting at the border for hours just to drive half a mile into the country.

*No Atlanta

*No Austin, TX (I don't like the I-35 corridor in TX)

*No forced dispatch (ideally choose your own loads from a list)

*No Los Angeles & environs

*No Denver (No offence. It's not Denver it's just that annoying route on I-70 through the Eisenhower in winter)

*No Hazmat (too much of a PITA to jump through the hoops to keep renewing it)

*Company that has their own shops and competent maintenance staff.

*Breakdown pay, layover pay, detention pay

*Penalizes hardcore any driver that drops a trailer with a problem for the next driver to deal with.

*Company has a great DOT score.

*No incompetent/lazy dispatchers

*No driver-facing cameras

*No brokers pestering me non-stop while driving (see the above point about dispatchers).

*Dry Van or conestoga flatbed; no-touch tank (the priority here being the minimal amount of tasks fiddling with the trailer/freight.)

*Would consider dedicated route(s).

*Automatic Trucks

*No slip-seating

*No fingerprinting freight.

*Diesel APU (let's you idle the truck. No opti-idle or fuel bonus BS when sitting out in Palm Desert in August or other such BS like when the temperature can't decide whether or not it's going to freeze and you have to keep fiddling with the ignition or gas pedal to keep warm).

*No bonuses or other such carrots

*Minimum 2500W pure sine wave inverter.

*Cat Scale app and encouragement to use it for any load.

*Refrigerator factory installed in cab.

*CB radio in the truck

*Double bunk sleeper.

*OK to take wife as passenger long-term from Day One.

*At least 10 PC miles allowed

*A more lenient e-log that lets you crawl through the truck stop at low-speed without kicking you onto the on-duty (driving) category.

*2500 - 3000+ miles per week @ 45cpm minimum

*Ideally just the flatter/drier parts of the western USA and the great plains

*Prefer dealing with rural stops vs. cities.

*No assigned routes. Similarly no mandatory fuel stops (I'm willing to compromise on these points though - See! I'm not so unreasonable! Besides, "assigned routes" is usually flexible if you can make a strong enough case to the dispatcher).

*At least one terminal in the southwest

*Transponders to avoid weigh stations and pay all tolls automatically. (I forgot the names of those transponders)

*Hires a TN resident or at least doesn't care where your CDL is based out of. (Don't really want to run TN often).

*Don't care if you've been out of trucking for three years. Doesn't hire rookie drivers.

*Since I've been out of trucking for three years doesn't make me do a refresher and no trainer requirement. Although if they could tick all of these boxes I would probably be OK with that.

*Terminals outfitted properly with ample shower and laundry facilities

*An above-average generous hometime

*Company-paid health insurance for driver and spouse (or at least the spouse can be added for a minimal cost. None of this $200+ per week to add a spouse BS.)

*Don't care about other benefits

Anyway, those are the only things that come to mind at the moment. I'll update if I think of something else.
OK, trolls. Have at it. "Geeze the list of demands from drivers these days!" I think some people have the wrong mentality that you should just accept whatever's available, thinking that companies will reject you because you're too picky, but I think the industry wastes more time and money not matching drivers expectations with company options, thus contributing to the reality of the revolving door industry. I suspect recruiters might be too blame for at least some of this.