my lament

As i travel these long, dark roads, with only the ghosts of the past to accompany me, I see the past, present, and future, in a light no one else can see. Things i've done, both good and bad, sit on my back like a weight i can't move.
i can hear the turbo, smell the diesel, feel the rumble of the horses pulling my load to its next destination. I think of the people i've loved, the people i've hated, the people i've lost. i remember the nights i hated myself, the days i loved another, the days and weeks i spent regretting, missing, despising.
the night whispers to me, telling me how bad i am, was, and will be. how much my family needs me, how i should be there, not thousands of miles away. how i should be seeing my family grow, kissing my little girl goodnight, sleeping in the arms of my wife.
i hope she will forgive me, for missing the things i've missed and will miss. for not being there to kiss the pain away, to see her grow, to hold her when she's had a bad dream, to forgive her whe she does wrong, to praise her for doing right.
i hope her mother will forgive me, for the empty bed, the restless nights, the worry. for making her wonder when she'll see me next, when we'll be together again, when she'll next be able to hold me.
i feel like a villian, hurting others who have done nothing to me. but i see no other way. for the paradox of my life is, if i want them to have the things they want, i have to withhold the thing they want most.
the memories i miss are replaced by the memories i have. some good, mostly bad. the headligts shine on memory lane, and i am taken back to times i wish i could forget. see, i've done some things that have really hurt, things for which forgiveness has not been, nor could possibly be received. but all i can do is offer empty apologies, knowing it will never be the same.