Trucking can be like a bad marriage...

Long ago, I use to attend church a lot....
Didn't feel right if I didn't go...and like most church goers, my life evolved around the church...bible studies ect ect...

Looking back...I think over all I was a happier person....
But, back then, I was happier about a lot of things...and just happen to be going to church during that time period...

i was happier about school, life, the future, everything...
So I can't say the happiness I felt back then was solely do to church, or a more stronger, daily, fellowship with God....

One thing church did, or attending so often, and never straying, is it kept my mind 'simple'....as such I was happier...

Cause I just had to believe what the bible said...everything was measured against what the bible said...

I was going to heaven, to live forever, and life was good and simple...

I just wish my mind were like most and I could of stopped there, been content with that....

Not only that, but there were other things occuring, in addition to life changes...

You know, when your only in one community your whole life, it's easy to attend the same church for 10-20-30 years, there's firmiluarity...

But when you start moving around to different regions, where folks are different, have different ideas about you, different customs ect ect...it can wane your enthusiasm about church...

And the older you get, you start seeing more the political side of church structures...which you don't see when your young, cause when your young your just a 'cute youngster' with much potential....

Regardless of all that...I can't sit here and make excuses for not going to church anymore...

But then it gets even more complicated than that...when you introduce 'doctorine'....one doctorine vs another....

I know this is going to sound odd...and many will claim it's already the case...

But i wish there was a church for 'sinners'....

A church that accepted you as is, where you are currently in your faith or walk, trials and tribulations...

A church specifically catored to folks like that...

With most churches, even truck stop churches, you go, your seated, told how loveing god is, then told how if you don't re-commit your life to god right there at that moment how your doomed to hll...and might be your last chance...and to at least give money...

And then service is over...your released, and on your own again to deal with life issues....

No phone calls, no check ups no nothing....so for a whole week your just out there alone...none of your personal issues are addressed...

Not sure what i'm trying to say...just rambling I suppose...

Reflecting....comparing the past to the future...

 

Islam has never really appealed to me...



And maybe that's simply because I was raised in the West...
Maybe if I were raised in the East, I'd feel differently...

But that scares me...the idea that it's just that randomn...

How could the God of the bible, only love me, and those of us Born in the West...but if we were born in the East, we would not know him, and him not us...

I mean which of us can pick and choose where we're born? and under what influences...

The bible emphasizes how God knew all of us before we were born...well if that's the case...and your 'innocent' before your born...why are people born under such drastically different circumstances?

How does one unborn soul, that god knows, deserve to be born in Pakistan, and another unborn soul, placed into the womb of a woman who happens to be Bill Gates wife?

Why the disparangy?

Yet another unborn soul placed in fathom ravaged Ethiopia in the 80's...where the baby lives a few months, years, than starves...

Why would God deliberatly throw away a soul like that, if indeed he places them, or knows you before your born?

What kind of gesture is that?

Does God not like some people before they've even materialized?

I don't know....but it's thoughts like this that made it harder and harder to listen to conviently packaged stories or tales or biases, from within the church...

And then to bring up such stuff, rather than people just answering it, the cleverly imply how 'Satan comes in in wolves clothing'...as a way of shutting you up...and making it seem just because you want answers, you must be a Satanic spy....

My basic core belief in God has never wained...the New Testiment belief...



The whole story or account of salvation through faith in Jesus, and the idea that he came down, was persicuted, (as prophesized), happen to be nailed to a Roman cross, and then rose from the dead 3 days later...

That is the core of New testimant Christanity right there...

For if Jesus, or the Messiah never rose, there would be no basis for anything else...

It makes no sense if the God you worship is dead in the ground like everyone else...

So it's important to believe that Jesus did indeed rise from the dead, that he, as God, over came the power of death...



Without that belief, there is nothing...and Jesus is reduced to no more than a orater of the day...

It's belief that God has over come death, that inspires many...and is what gives many hope, when man can't....

And I have to remind myself of this from time to time, cause sadly, others won't...most Christains want you to be perfect 'now' or they won't even talk to you...

And every persons ideal of 'perfect' varies...it varies based on ethnicity, color, nationality, class, clothing you wear, hair style, car you drive ect ect...

So, as a result, I have to tell myself what others will not...
And maybe that's evidence that God does exists, cause he speaks to me, through me, and tells me about his love, when no one else will...

I don't know...but I do feel a bit better...

(which means Satan will attack soon)*note

And please remember that note...cause it's the same pattern over and over...
Whenever you start realizing certain things, expecially as they relate to your own salvation...the Devil is never far away...gets jelious, and will do his best to trip you up...me up...



Not Satan himself, but he does have, and deploys a whole legion of fallen commrads...other fallen angels who have tooken on 'dark' natures...and there only real job is to seperate man from God...

To seperate man from Gods love...by introducing all sorts of counterfit substitutions, that will leave you feeling empty, unfulfilled and alone, in the end...

And it's true, for in the end, what can man offer you?...a coffin?

That's about it...man can offer you a selection of nice coffines...but man cannot keep you from dying, nor can man revive you once your clinically pronounced dead...

I think my problems begin when I started taking my eyes off of 'god'...and started focusing on the 'sins' of man instead, mans flaws, mans faults...and maybe used that as an excuse to not go to church anymore...

And lets face it, for those who have been emotionally scarred in church, it don't feel good, cause that's the last place you expect it from...pettiness...and is often the device we use against ourselves, and Satan possibly exploits, to begin the seperation...

I know if I focus on man, and his, our, short comings, than I could never go back to church...cause I'd be to busy judgeing...

Anyways...will wrap this post up here, and continue or wrap in up with one more....never thought I'd go the spiritual route this night or morning...depending on what time zone your in...

 

Just got back from one...and where I live, as well as other areas with simuluar demigraphics...convient stores can be like death traps at night...

For they attract preditors, which lurk around their edges, much the same way water holes in Africa attract lions, who wait on unsuspecting prey to pounce upon...



Around here, as in other similuar areas, when you venture out to a corner store at night, your chances of coming back begin to deminish, the later it gets...
If you go, like say after 11:00 pm...you increase your odds of being the target of assault and battery and or robbery...or worst yet, homicide by at least 30%....

And to go after 12:00 am in the morning, well your really asken for it...

There's a lot of desperate people out there, without values...
It's one thing to be desperate, it's another to be desperate with values, or heck, you could even have values, but in the end I guess it's a matter of personal survival...

And then add drugs to the equation...a lot of people will hold you up at convient stores not cause they're starving...but cause they have an addiction...
So at any given time, you get a good mix of potential preditors who could be waiting on you...

I went down to such a place tonight, after I wrote last post...
And as soon as I got there, sure enough I hear a 'hey bro'...

Well because that place has been the place of violence in the past, shootings ect ect...I've learned when someone says 'Hey bro' from the outter perimeter...you just keep walking....go inside, and access the situation....

And that's what I did....
I mean don't act scared or nervious, rather just keep walking like you didn't hear nothing...

Anyways...long story short...came back out, they call me again..still from outter perimeter...mentioned how they lived around near where I did...and asked for some change...

I ended up giving them a small amount...less than $2.00...just loose change...

But I had too...

if you understand the streets, than you'll realize I had too...

If you understand how people phrase things, then you'll realize I had too...

Do not humiliate those on the down low, who know someone who knows someone else who's up to know good...cause if you do, it will come back to haunt you...

People on the streets are not dumb...where do you think cops and detectives get all their information from...people on the streets know stuff...
They have like whole portfolios written on you...know everything about you, you style, habits, your attitude ect ect...

It's their job to know...it's their survival to know...

And they can use that to their advantage should the time come...
So it doesn't pay to 'diss' people in the hood, expecially if they live in your vacinity...cause it will come back to haunt you...

Not saying you have to be friends with them either...but it's always nice to have a loose 'friendly' understanding...at least be cordual...and let them know your not a threat, a sell out, a nark, whatever...it will keep you safe...and as such won't watch you if or when things do go bad...

I wanted to leave you with a video to describe how to survive in the hood...but out of respect for the last two posts...I won't...

But that's the thing about me life, and most others...we don't exactly live in ideal enviornments...things can change in a heart beat...and that's just keeping it real...

It's scary at times...unless your drunk...then you don't care...

Some of you all live in such nice safe n-hoods...and have no idea about certain things...

Your cozy in your homes way out in the country or burbs...
And the only glimpse you get of the 'danger zone' is while in your trucks during a delivery...and you almost have a nervious break down...

But at least you get to leave...some of us do not...

 

On of my goals over the next few months is to make my need to come here and 'sop' over how trucking is, was, a bad marriage for me, oblivious...

In a few months I don't want my life to be based on my former marriage...I want it to center around my new marriage to life and opportunity...

And in order to do that I must, and am, taking steps to construct a whole new foundation...a whole new social foundation, spiritual foundation, finincial foundation....

I have to start completely over...like rebuilding a car...

What do you do when you rebuild a car?
You totally strip it down, and start completly over, new parts and everything...



The process can seem ugly at first, and even disheartning as you strip auto down to basics...
You look at half completed project like 'What have I done?'

The doubt begins to set in...and you begin to wonder how your going to reassemble car, yourself, your life....

And that's why it's important to never loose vision of where your trying to go, and what your trying to achieve...
Cause if you stay the course, a newer, better, more shinier, more efficient version of yourself will emerge....

Another thing I want to add to my life is athletics...i really want to take up boxing as a hobby....there's nothing better to help you give up bad habits like getting your butt kicked in the ring...



After getting your butt kicked a few times in the ring, I garuntee, in order to save face next time, all bad habits will cease...as in drinking, smoking, not working out, anything that takes away your competitive edge...

And that's what I need right now...I need a reason to not only get back into shape, but to stay in shape...it becomes like an addictive drug within it'self...

I remember long ago I was a workout freak...so I remember how it was...but I was in such a different place phycologically...
I want to get back to that place...for my own benifit...

I need new people in my life, new inspiration and a new future...

It's either that or perish....

It won't be easy...not at all...but as long as I know I'm working towards something better...it'll be worth it down the line...

Anyways...good day....back in a bit...

 

Since I doubt anyone else will answer or respond to this question...

I may as well...

My response is not a 'right' or 'wrong' response...for I'm not that wise to give absolutes....

But from what I've experienced....there are many muslims, some I've known in the past...5%'s whatever...who have no problem at all believing that all Christians, or any one else who isn't a muslim, are 'infadels' and doomed to their version of 'hell'....lost...

That's why they, or some, have no issue with suicide bombers, killing and destroying whom or whatever...it's spurned on by that belief that we don't matter anyways, since we don't submit to Allah....

Inlight of that...I have no problem with some Christians truly believing that 'Jesus' is the way, the path, to salvation'....

For although they may believe that, at least their not blowing people up, to propogate it...and maybe that's do to our constition...but even in Europe their not doing it...

In the past they did though, before the reformation age....

But I don't really have an issue with someone believing that Christanity, or the whole cross gospel, is the only and true path...

As long as they don't resort to violence to push that view...

Again, that is not a right or wrong answer...I just figured you deserved some kind of response...

And since no one else stood up...I decided to...

You deserve a response...right or wrong...you asked a question...and as a result it should be answered or responded to...

 

Well U4EA...and Rocks...right now I envy both of you...cause right now the only religion I'm getting is a loud dose of 'bam boom' music religion....



Oh I just want to cry....



It's like a loud block party or something...and I can't concintrate....

Everytime I try to formulate a thought it's over ran by bam boom bam boom....

And yelling and everything...I just hope to heaven no altercations break out at this event before it's over...

Anyways...let me see if I can find some ear plugs...

 

Well it's about time for me to call it a night...went out and purchased 4 movies though...

1. White noise part 2...horror

2. Terminator 3...sci/fi

3. Hankcock...a Will Smith action hero movie...

4. Starting over...an older movie from 1979 starring Burt Renolds...just
felt like going back to something more simple...

Anyways...four movies...and I think I'll start with the scary one...'white noise 2'...I saw the first one...and it was ok...

Anyways...movie time...goodnight...